Log: Jay and Sam

[x-cannonball.livejournal.com]

Jay catches Sam at the infirmary and is generally displeased with recent events.

Sam had talked to Scott, the Professor, and now he found himself back in the medical bay. He'd been able to nap for a few minutes every now and then but the lack of sleep was still stacking up. It had been over three days by now and his eyes burned. He was more concerned with Kyle than any of that, however. He knew people would be coming in and he knew he'd have to explain what had happened. He wasn't looking forward to that at all.

Jay rounded the corner and spotted his brother, the one person he'd been searching for. "Okay, what the fuck? Everyone's talkin' about you being some psycho. What are you doing?" he asked, the youngest berating the oldest.

"I'm not crazy, Jay." Sam rested his face in a hand and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I just haven't slept in a while and I came across Kyle at about the worst time ever. I hurt him and I'm already very, very sorry about it."

"Yeah, word gets around," he dropped in a chair next to Sam, keeping his voice low. He didn't know the details, only that Kyle was in medbay because of Sam. "Ah don't care that you're sorry, only why. What'd Kyle do huh?"

"He didn't do anything wrong. I was just really angry and I was trying to get him to leave me alone. I didn't mean to hit him as hard is I did. I don't tend to hit people... it was hard to judge." Sam spoke low as well, out of exhaustion and weariness. He would be reliving this over and over for the foreseeable future as people asked about it.

"What you so mad bout then huh? Cause Ah know Kyle does some stupid stuff but he ain't that stupid. That's somethin' Ah'd expect from Forge, pushin' buttons and stuff."

"Kyle didn't do anything wrong. He just came in when I wasn't willing to have someone around. I didn't handle it like I should have." Sam slid down more in his chair, trying to relax more if he could manage it.

"Sam," Jay ducked his head down, trying to catch his brother's eye. "Wha'dya so mad about?" He hoped it wasn't Morgan like it was rumored, but then, if it was, he'd understand it.

"I was mad with how people were talking to me and looking at me. Like I wasn't strong. Like I didn't choose to be nice and polite but like I didn't have the strength to be anything else. I just wanted to know that wasn't the case, then they could keep their opinions and I'd just know better." Sam looked back to Jay as they spoke.

Jay shook his head. "Why do you care what they think? They don't know you and whatever they do know, they not gonna ask questions to clear things up. Shoutin' at a buildin' in the middle of the night makes you look crazy and Kyle, well, jez. that just set it in stone, didn't it?"

"I'm not crazy. I'm also not caught up in what they think. I wanted to know and now I do. That's the end of it. I don't expect anyone to take their time to try to understand." Sam was very tired of this conversation and he was ready to cut it off.

"Then why are you mad? Don't tell me you're still on about that choice stuff." Jay didn't understand and he didn't think he would ever but still, trying to understand the most stable of the Guthries never was easy. He and Sam never saw eye to eye but he hoped there was something there he could get. At least be there for his brother in his complete melt down.

"Not on about anything Jay. I plan on going back to my books and being as quiet and polite as possible." Trying to explain praise and blame as he saw it to anyone when it was framed like this seemed useless to Sam. Everyone seemed to be pretty certain on their thoughts one way or the other and soul searching through such a sensitive topic in public certainly wasn't going to turn out well.

"Oh Christ Sam, why you always gotta be this way?" Jay stood up and wanted to smack his brother across the head. "Like everytime Ah try n' get a fuckin' answer from you. You just switch off, all smiles n' smooth shit over. Ah get a little sick of it."

"I get tired of trying not to tell you all the stupid things I do to try to understand your life more so I can keep trying and failing at being a good brother. Looks like neither of us have the relationship we want and there's nothing I can do about that." Sam was far too worn down to fight about this one right now. "I was in the danger room trying to figure out if I have it in me to kill... so I knew I was choosing to be nice... so I could rightly say you still have that choice too. The alternative was that I was too weak to try to kill the guy that tried to kill you and then what kind of big brother would I be? I wouldn't be setting the example, I'd just be a wimp."

"When did you stop watchin' movies Sam?" Jay asked, tucking his leg under him and dropped back down into the chair. "The ones where the hero doesn't kill cause he can but because he can't. Seriously. Who hit you on the head cause you don't need to understand me. Stop thinkin' you're so weak. Them kids look up to you a lot and then you go do somethin' like this. You're suppose to be the rock for the rest of us." He sighed, brushing a hand through his hair in frustration.

"I think this is something I had to understand so that I could be strong like I want to be. And I'm probably never going to stop trying to understand you, Jay. Maybe that's what makes me like I am and I shouldn't stop." Sam began thinking aloud as much as having a conversation. "If people look up to me and trust me then maybe they should be able to forgive me too."

"Kyle'll forgive you cause he don't hold grudges that long." Unless you called him an animal. Then he got really irritate but Jay didn't think Sam would sink that low. "Is this like some midlife early crisis? Cause Ah thought they didn't hit til you was fifty?"

Sam laughed softly at that, the first time he had in days. "Maybe I'm only making it to Fifty-Six."