Log: Charles and Sam (Backdated)

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Sam goes to see the Professor, as requested. He is suspended from teaching.


After his talk with Scott, Sam headed directly for the Professor's
office. He knew that Xavier kept track of the mansion's happenings and
he would likely be expected. The eldest Guthrie also felt that, if
there was anyone who would understand what was happening, this might
be the man. He knocked, his emotions a swirl of dread, shame, and
excitement. Surely Charles wouldn't call him crazy, would he?

#Please come in, Samuel.# In a startling departure from the usual at
moments like this, there was no tea in evidence anywhere in Charles's
office. The Professor was seated in his chair, behind his desk. He
looked weary, which was quite possibly the consequence of nearly two
days in Cerebro searching for Nathan, but the faint sadness in his
eyes as he watched Sam step into his office came from a different
source entirely.

"Please, close the door behind you and sit down," he said aloud,
indicating the chair on the other side of the desk with an incline of
his head. "I've cleared my schedule for the time being, so we should
have ample time to talk."

"I'm sorry that you had to do that... and have to talk to me... and
for what I did." Sam had decided that he would apologize once and in
earnest. After that it would simply be redundant. The Professor would
know he truly was sorry. He followed his instructions, shutting the
door and sitting across the desk.

"While I appreciate the apology in the spirit that it was given,
Samuel," Charles went on, voice quiet and very level - and grave, "I
fear that it cannot be sufficient to resolve the situation. Before we
discuss that, however, I need to fully understand what happened."

"I don't think I'm good at explaining it. Everyone thinks I'm crazy
and I think I might be a bit frayed around the edges because I haven't
slept in a while but I certainly don't feel crazy." Sam had heard that
crazy people didn't think they were crazy, however. The Professor
would know that better than he would.

"Sleep deprivation can have some very unfortunate effects," Charles
murmured, but his gaze stayed very steady on Sam. "I am willing to be
patient, Samuel. I also suspect that you might find it easier to
explain your behavior to your friends and teammates if you have a
better understanding of it yourself."

"I don't think they're feeling particularly understanding or
forgiving. I did hurt Kyle, after all." Sam was feeling more and more
tired, the short naps weren't quite doing it anymore. "I was just so
angry... I've never been that angry before. Everyone was calling me
crazy because I was tired of how people were talking to me and looking
at me. Or how I was seeing myself... probably both. Been like that
since I came back and since Jay got hurt."

Charles steepled his fingers. "How do you feel they see you?" he asked simply.

"Not everyone... but lots of folks see me like I ain't strong. I
should be seen as their peer but they see me like me not killing ain't
a choice but because I don't have the strength. It got me thinking
about it when Jay came back and he had his urges. I just wanted to
tell him that he could control it but I began wondering if it was
something I was controlling or something I didn't have in the first
place... or something I lost when I went back to the farm and stopped
being a fighter." Sam sighed and rested is face in his hands. "Kyle
just happened upon me at the worst moment he ever could have and I
didn't mean to hurt him. He was just being a good friend."

Charles's forehead creased as he listened to Sam's recital. "I would
like to understand why you see a relationship between how your peers
regard you and your willingness to employ lethal force," he said
slowly.

"Well, not all of them. But I've been told as much, that a lot of
people see me as something of a joke. I believe it because I see it in
how people talk down to me and look at me like I'm not someone to be
taken seriously." Sam tried to think of exactly how to explain
something that didn't happen with words. "I ain't heard anyone that
was ever a resident here call you a boy. Or Scott, except for maybe
Logan. No other teacher here gets that, I don't think. But I get it."
All his examples were from when he went to the brownstone and he knew
it. Nothing else was fresh on his mind and he didn't want to carry
those grudges with him.

"The idea of me dating Morgan was a joke to people, cause I'm weak and
she ain't, I can only assume. It was compared to the idea of you
dating her." Sam didn't mean any disrespect to the Professor by that
but certainly if there was someone here that wasn't going to date a
resident, it was him. "I hope that explained it a bit."

Charles's frown had only grown as Sam spoke. "Samuel, this seems to be
a very... extreme reaction to dismissive comments. I'm not minimizing
how they've affected you." A faint, sad smile tugged briefly at his
lips. "It has been a very long time since I was a young man, but I do
recall what it was like. Still, such comments are always relative, and
informed by individual perspective. You choose how much credit
to give those perspectives. Your problem seems to be that you've
chosen to give them too much."

"Maybe but I couldn't rightly tell my brother I'm trying to understand
what's happening if I'm not absolutely sure I could even say that. I
needed to be sure that it was in me and I didn't mean to have anyone
with me when I went looking for that." Sam didn't mean it as an excuse
but he felt it was important people knew he didn't have any intention
to hurt Kyle.

"You also seem to have conflated your brother's situation and your own
in a very unfortunate way," Charles said. "Sam, do you truly believe
that you cannot help Jay through his recovery without exploring the
darker corners of your own psyche?"

"Do you think I could?" Sam simply didn't understand the idea that he
didn't have to understand his brother. Walking a mile in someone's
shoes was a very usual Southern adage. "I can't imagine anyone saying
that they choose not to give into that if they're not even sure it's
there."

"Sam," and Charles's voice was firm, almost harsh, or as close to it
as the professor ever got. "I can assure you that the capability to do
harm to another, to take the life of another person, exists in all of
us. Without exception. For some of us, it's closer to the surface than
with others, but it is always there. The capacity for violence
is a fundamental part of us, bound up in the very origins of our
species."

"I'd like to be as sure about that as you are. Now all I'm sure about
is that it's in me." Sam could honestly tell himself he didn't care if
people didn't take him seriously. He took himself more seriously, he
knew that he had fight in him and he knew that he needed to keep it
deep down like he had before. People might not take his abilities
seriously but he did now that he saw how far he could push them.

"And do you consider this something praiseworthy?" Charles asked, his
tone more neutral than it had been.

"Being able to control it is and not being able to isn't... and I
think that's why I'm here. Maybe I'm finding out something I should
have known too late and I need to spend some time becoming who I was
again... or I'm still that person... and I'm supposed to be showing
that. I'm not quite sure on all that yet but it'll certainly be much
less dramatic." Sam nodded, in his mind questions about all the
implications of what he was finding out still raged. It remanded him
that no one was ever done learning.

Charles just watched him for a long moment, taking it all in. Then:
"Samuel, I would be more pleased to hear that you feel you've reached
some sort of resolution on this issue if I was convinced that you had
resolved it in a way conducive to your well-being. Or that you clearly
understood the realization you feel you've reached. In any case, your
behavior in this situation has been unacceptable."

"I don't figure I understand it well enough to put into words yet
because It's still pretty recent. I don't feel bad though... like I'm
not well." Sam followed that with a shrug. He didn't have any better
way of explaining at the moment. It had only been a day and he hadn't
had a chance to be alone or sleep on the subject yet. "But I
understand that I hurt Kyle and that something ought to be done about
that."

Charles actually leaned forward in his chair. "What you did to Kyle is
the most serious consequence of this," he said, and the
not-quite-harsh edge was back to his voice, "but it was far from the
only one. You brought a gun into the school, Samuel. You created a
Danger Room program for the purposes of playing out some sort of...
experimental fantasy I find extremely troubling from a
psychological standpoint. You've allowed yourself to become obsessed
with the opinions of others and allowed that obsession to drive you to
create a rupture in your relationships here. And even if your need to
help your brother was where this began, the way in which you've chosen
to pursue it has put you into a position where many of us can only see
you as the one needing help."

"I'd like to do what you think is necessary so that everyone can see
more. I know people don't agree with what I did and I knew they
wouldn't when I did that. I think maybe... that shows a bit that I'm
not as focused on what people think... as people think..." Sam knew
the phrasing was awkward. "But I don't imagine myself to have any more
access to truth than anyone else and I couldn't rightly say I knew
they were wrong. Now I can."

"I would like to understand why you created that particular scenario
to explore this issue," Charles said after a moment. "Why did you not
recreate a mission, instead? Why not a situation where you were
actually forced to decide what levels of force to use?"

"Because I wasn't trying to justify anything. If I had to kill to save
someone then I think that'd be right. I also think anyone could get
enough revenge in them to really want to kill. I wanted to see about
making the choice knowing full well what I was deciding..." Sam sighed
and thought for a second. "I think if, even you, absolutely had to
choose between me living or Sabertooth living... well I hope you'd
choose me. That's ain't a choice on killing though; that's just a
choice on who's living. I knew I could make that choice."

"I feel we're going to need to explore just why you believed the
ability to murder someone was an aspect of your personality you
truly felt it necessary to explore," Charles said with a sigh, rubbing
slightly at his temples. "The questions you have about boundaries and
moral choices are worthwhile ones, Samuel, but you've shown a
regrettable lack of judgment in your methods of pursuing answers. I am
particularly concerned with your apparent difficulties in managing
your anger in this situation. You are a highly trained young man with
a potentially very dangerous mutant ability - you cannot afford
to be anything but in control of your actions."

"The only explanation I suppose I have is that I figured to be in
control I'd have to know where the end of it was. I didn't think it
was something I could learn from anyone else." Sam couldn't think of
anything else to say on the topic and he didn't think the Professor
felt like talking about it much more. He knew everyone was going to be
angry for quite some time and he accepted that he had made a very
serious mistake.

"Another very dangerous assumption," was Charles's grim-sounding reply
to that. "As I said, we are going to need to spend more time talking
about this. Until I am convinced that you've developed more healthy
methods of coping with your anger and have fully understood what
underlying issues created this situation, I cannot having you serving
as a member of the teaching staff of this institution."

"I understand." Sam assented to the Professor's decision. He didn't
know what else to do at the moment. He didn't have any more reasons
and he trusted the judgment, even if he didn't feel particularly out
of control anymore. Maybe it was because he was so tired.

"You and I will have regular counseling sessions from this point
onward. How those sessions progress will affect whether or not you
receive a teaching assignment for the fall, as well as your status
with the team. Is that understood?"

Sam nodded. "I understand."