xp_logs | Shiro and Jean-Paul - Backdated to Friday morning

Upon hearing about the near-disaster in the Danger Room, Jean-Paul goes to try and talk Shiro out of his usual self-flagellation.

Shiro had spent much of the past day in a trance. Still remanded to the isolation room, there was nothing to do but meditate and retreat into himself to identify, isolate, and expunge the errors and pollution that marred his soul. Unfortunately, he wasn't having much luck, as he could not clear his mind from the strife he'd brought onto himself and onto Jay. The room was mostly dark, save some dim overhead light and the fully illuminated rising sun motif on his glove, casting him in an eerie soft red glow.

It was not a pleasant association for Jean-Paul to see Shiro within one of the rooms that he had been confined to not so long ago. Perhaps it was even the same one; it was hard to tell from the outside. That his friend was alone in the dark was not exactly a comfort either, given what he had heard of the incident...and especially not taken in conjunction with that other loss of control that he recalled so well. Jean-Paul stopped at the observation wall, raising his hand to activate the inlaid speaker panel.

"Shiro?"

At first the voice barely registered, an annoyed facial twitch the only indication that Shiro even heard it. After a few seconds the concerned tone of the speaker's voice reached him and drew him out of his reverie. "Jean-Paul," Shiro replied, eyes still shut. "Hello."

"I heard what happened. Not why."

Shiro frowned but didn't move out of his meditative position. "If you are also here to harangue me then you can leave. Cyclops has already performed that duty quite well."

"Yes, because that is my usual approach with you when I am concerned. I find that it works so well, too." Jean-Paul sighed. "After all that has happened recently, did you expect me not to show up?"

"I suppose not. You are always too generous with me." Shiro smirked and finally opened his eyes. He staggered to his feet like a drunkard and shambled over to the door to open it for Jean-Paul. "Do not worry, I am not carcinogenic now. I apologize for the sauna."

Jean-Paul frowned as he took in Shiro's gait. "If it is all safe, come out and see me. I am still not fond of these little white rooms. We can go find Leyu, let her see that you are really all right."

Shiro hesitated, but stepped out of the room, keeping his distance from Jean-Paul. "I would rather she not see me like this," he said dismally. "I would rather you not see me like this, either, for that matter."

"I think we have seen each other in some fairly miserable conditions," Jean-Paul pointed out. "At least this time you look like yourself and I am not trying to hurt anyone, hm? Walk with me. At least as far as the kitchen. Your legs are acting as if they've forgotten what they're here for."

"I . . . would rather not. I do not think it wise to venture too far." And Shiro didn't want to run into Scott or Sam or anyone else liable to completely lose it at the sight of him. Not just for his own piece of mind, but he wasn't sure he could guarantee their safety, either. Jean-Paul was at enough risk as it was.

For a moment, Jean-Paul thought to argue, but decided against it. Meditation or not, pushing Shiro hard was likely not the best course of action right now, not if he wanted him to open up. "As you like." Jean-Paul took a seat against the wall, motioned for Shiro to join him. "Talk to me, Shiro."

Shiro slumped down opposite Jean-Paul. "I blew up Jay," came the frank but dismayed response. "We were running a scenario and he just . . . It was like something took him over. He attacked me with his wings and I lost control. He will survive, I am told but . . . a lesser man would have been killed."

Jean-Paul managed not to sigh. Was everyone determined to completely lose their minds this summer? The thought was a depressing one. If nothing else, it meant that he could not afford to.

"It was not supposed to be a sparring session, I take it?"

"It probably should not have been a session at all. The scenario was one that Dominion had programmed for him, to give him an outlet after what had happened to him. I ended up making myself the focus of that outlet." Shiro ran a hand wearily over his face. "I failed, Jean-Paul. Again."

"What have you failed at, Shiro?" Jean-Paul kept his voice carefully neutral, not dismissive. An honest question.

"I have no job," Shiro replied, counting off with his fingers, "I have almost been removed from the X-Men, control over my powers is slipping, I have lost two relationships in one week . . . Everything is a mess and every time I try to think about how to fix it, it is like there is this monster in my head that makes it impossible to think. I cannot concentrate, I cannot relax, I cannot do anything."

"What you are going to do is drive yourself crazy. Do you remember what I told you? You cannot define a negative, and that is what you do when you list yourself by your failures only. It cannot help you, only make you miserable." Jean-Paul regarded him steadily. "If you can see nothing good in your life right now, start with the small things that you can control. Apologize to Jay for blowing him up, if nothing else." The other man hesitated. "I assume the one relationship is Kali. Jay is the other?"

"Yes." It wasn't as hard to admit as he'd thought it would be. And given the secrecy in which he'd shrouded both relationships, it was almost a relief to finally be truthful. Almost. "And he would be a fool to accept any apology."

"You do not have any control over what Jay decides to do or not when it comes down to that. Maybe he will throw an apology back at your feet. Maybe he will accept it. But you will have tried to make it right. That is all you can do sometimes." Goodness, he sounded like someone who had been dealing with control issues of his own lately. "You are an intense young man without much in you inclined to bow, Shiro. I do not want to see any important parts of you break off in the next high wind."

"It is not enough," Shiro maintained. "It cannot possibly be enough. I almost killed him. Would have, had he no healing factor. My punishment must be just for what I have done. You must understand." That came out like a plea.

Jean-Paul raised one eyebrow. "And so what are you planning? To ask him to use you as target practice again? I do not see your sense of justice demanding less and, frankly, I do not see it doing you or Jay any good."

Shiro banged his head against the metal wall behind him frustratedly. The sound echoed down the empty hall. He wanted to scream. "I have to do something."

A moment later, Jean-Paul was sitting beside him, fingers in his hair to hold Shiro's head still. "Might I again suggest actually talking to Jay to figure out where you stand? And if you attempt to hurt yourself again, Shiro Yoshida, I am tossing you back into that isolation room and sitting on you until you come to your senses." He supposed he could have been more menacing, but threats to Shiro's dignity seemed to carry more weight than those to his body.

"Why are you so kind to me, Jean-Paul?" Shiro asked tiredly, his voice shaky with exhaustion and self-pity. "Cyclops made it a simple endeavor to be angry and hate myself. You allow me no such luxury."

"Because you are my friend. Because you have already had your scolding from someone who is better at it and more entitled to give one than I am. Because I was not there when you could have used a confidant." Another light, affectionate tug of Shiro's hair before the older man let his hand drop. "And because sitting here and hating yourself is the easy part, the safe thing. There is a lot less risk to kicking yourself and assuming the worst than going out and confirming it...or worse, finding out that people do not hate you and trying to figure out how in the world that can be."

"And now you are just repeating to me what you were told after your ordeal. Asshole." Shiro pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. "Maybe you are right, at least about Jay. I hope."