Jay & Scott

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

Jay goes to Scott about joining the team. Again. Scott is not keen on the idea.

The last time he did this, he wasn't sure. But now, as he sat down
with Scott for a second time in his office, he was equally unsure as
the last time. The only thing he was sure of was that eyebrow would
raise or the face of shock would present itself and humiliate him
more. All the more reason to say forget it and walk out. But
he stayed and would do it. At least Garrison made it sound like it was
a choice rather than an order, though he couldn't help but feel that
the Canadian had a good grab on him command wise.

Brushing his hand through his hair, he sat up and pulled on the
hollows of his cheeks - a new habit that had come from somewhere but
he couldnt' exactly pin point where. "Ah wanna join the team."
Wanna being the very loose term of I need.

Scott's eyes narrowed down to slits. If anyone had looked very
carefully, they would have noticed that the eyelid covering the
prosthetic eye didn't lower quite as far as the other, but it was
still a very impressively narrowed-eyed look he was directing at Jay.
"This is a very interesting week to bring that up," he said, his tone
neutral, with no suggestion as to how he wanted Jay to respond. He
wanted to hear the response, unfiltered.

"Ah know," he said without buckling under the stare. "Ah ain't team
material, Ah know that. Especially since Shiro n' Ah got into it. But
it ain't like that," he said, gesturing helplessly. It didn't feel
like that. But it also didn't help him the way Scott was looking at
him. The man hadn't been keen on Jay joining the team before, what
would change his mind now?

"If you don't feel like you can do it, then what is it like?" Scott
asked, sounding genuinely curious for a moment, before he remembered
he was supposed to be angry at Jay still and went back to a more
restrained version of the glower.

"What?" Jay asked, confused. He didn't understand the question. "Ah
feel like Ah can do it. Ah mean, Ah can be apart of the team, right?
Is that what yer askin'?" He felt stupid because he didn't get it,
easily confused and knowing his heart wasn't really into joining the
team but didn't want to confess that outloud. Infact, he stuffed that
churn down into the depth of his thoughts, hopin that it wouldn't be
given away in his expression.

"You just said you weren't team material," Scott said, frowning. "If
that's not what you meant, what did you mean by that?"

"You acted like Ah wasn't material for it before. Remember when you
gave me all that stuff to read? Ah think you knew Ah wouldn't join
cause Ah wasn't--" What Jay? What were you going to say? You
weren't a killer? You weren't like them? It was a weird moment to
get what Sam had been thinking but now he got it. The false pretenses
of the way people saw him and how he saw himself were vastly different
and he shifted under Scott's glowering frown. "Ah meant that you'd be
worried Ah'd hurt one of mah teammates instead of actually protectin'
em. Maybe hurtin' someone else that Ah ain't suppose to."

"I think you need to not draw conclusions based on your interpretation
of what's going on in my head," was all Scott said at first, not quite
curtly. "As for being concerned over your self-control - well, you
haven't precisely given me reason not to be, this week?" He
shrugged. "Then again, I seem to be having those concerns about a
lot of people lately. I'm beginning to think it's becoming
standard operating procedure around here."

"This week," Jay echoed. "Not any other time, not since Ah've been
back. And it was better it happened in the Danger room cause Shiro
blew to shit, so at least no one got hurt. or Ah mean, no one that
couldn't heal, yanno?" So the room's safeties weren't on but he left
that part out. "Garrison's already locked me outta mah programs, so Ah
can't train without him up in the control room. He put them codes in
and anyways, Ah wouldn't do it again." He hadn't thought anything bad
would happen but then, he hadn't really thought about it, had he?

"The question you need to be asking yourself, Jay, is whether this is
something you really think is right for you, when you are clearly
having control issues already," Scott said. "Because control is
something you have to have, as a member of the team. I have
absolutely no compunction against benching anyone who proves to be a
danger to other members of the team." Ask your brother, he
almost said, but didn't.

"Ah have control," he said with conviction. "Ah just need to
use it. Hangin' round here, pretendin' to be somethin' Ah ain't isn't
workin'. Red X sorta benched me already, though they did it in a
roundabout way. Ah'm communications now cause Ah scare the people Ah'm
tryin' to help. So bench me if you don't think Ah have control but at
least lemmie show you that Ah can get it, that Ah have it through
trainin' sessions. Things with Shiro got outta hand but Ah wasn't the
one that threw the first punch." He seemed sure of that, even though
he couldn't really recall who had done it first.

"Joining the X-Men isn't something you want to do to prove a point,"
Scott said. He was being hard on Jay, but given recent events, he
thought he was justified. "Give me a better reason."

"Ah ain't the bad guy," Jay said pointedly. "Look at me. Ah ain't on
the floor, cryin' the blues about gettin' knocked down. Ah ain't holed
up in mah room, blamin' everyone else for mah problems. Ah'm doin'
somethin' about it. Being pro active cause there's a whole lotta shit
that happened n' Ah want somethin' positive to come outta it. Ah still
see Jack Leary twice a week, do danger room sessions with Garrison n'
Ah'm more than what that Blaquesmith made me. Ah ain't his weapon or
nobody else's. Ah feel like Ah need to be somethin', like an Archangel."

Dear God, he's already coming up with a codename. Scott sighed,
though, as he rubbed at the scars on the side of his face. "Look," he
finally said, "the simple truth is, we wouldn't ever deny you the
chance to try. I won't lie to you - I was not pleased about
what happened with Shiro, and it makes me wary. But I try not to let
previous impressions dictate my judgement."

"So don't put me on the team, but at least let me train like one of
'em. Then if you wanna talk more down the road, then we'll talk. Ah
know you don't trust mah reactions, but Ah ain't what you think Ah
am... or what you thought Ah was either."

"... did I not just tell you to stop assuming you knew what I
thinking?" Scott asked, more than a little aggravated by the attitude.
"To be perfectly honest, Jay, if your reactions aren't
trustworthy, we'll find out soon enough, and in a mostly safe and
controlled environment - that's part of the point of the trainee
program. If that's the case, then the question becomes how to
train them so that they are." Or whether they can be trained.

"Then what do you think of me?" Jay challenged. "Ah ain't stupid
Scott. Everyone thinks Ah'm dangerous - Ah get that. But give me some
honesty here. Not this bullshit diplomatic leadership speech." He
didn't mean to be so disrespectful and once it was out, clearly he
knew he was flapping his gums too much, as Jeb liked to say. "Ah wanna
walk into this knowin' what you think. Cause Ah ain't gonna respect
anyone if they don't tell me to mah face."

Scott nearly laughed. The smile he gave Jay was tight. "I think you
need to accept that I actually mean the bullshit diplomatic
leadership speech, first of all. Secondly, I think there are worse
reasons to give the X-Men a try than yours. As for the rest of it... I
reserve judgement. But it's going to take some actions to match the
words before I see what happened in the Danger Room as a singular
incident."

"Fine," Jay said and his acceptance of the situation was strained. The
tension between them was strung tight as a bow and Jay pulled on his
cheeks again before standing up, knowing when he was being politely
dismissed. "So that's a yes?"


"Well, you've already done the reading. I'll ask you to see Charles,
again, and to get a complete physical from one of the doctors, but
yes. That would be a yes." Scott flicked the touchpad on his laptop to
bring it out of sleep mode. "I'll get your accesses set up."

"Thanks," Jay replied though it lacked the smile that he normally had plastered across his face. Briefly he stopped at the door, opening it and caught a brief flicker of Scott watching him leave in his peripheral vision. There was something wrong with that stare but he couldn't quite pick out what as he closed the door behind him.