Reefer Madness - Delay Tactics

[x-penance.livejournal.com]

Backdated to last night. While those who can 'pass' go off with The Decoy, the remaining New Mutants stay behind to try and slow down the two men coming for the crop.



"Been to the woods before?"

"Hate them. A tree killed my mother."

That ended conversation for another four miles, as the plain black sedan cleared through the entrance into the national park. There was nothing that was not plain about the car, the men in the front seats, and the simple black suits they wore. It was only by looking carefully that one could see the signs of things not entirely right; the roll of plastic sheeting on the floor of the backseat, the custom tailoring on not particularly high quality suits in order to lie properly over a shoulder holster, the scars on the hands of the man that gripped the steering wheel.

Any experienced eye could tell you that these were Hard Men, and they only revealed that fact to the uninitiated by sudden and blinding violence when needed. It was as routine a job as you could imagine; drive a couple of hours through the twisting innerpark roads to reach the campsite of the hippies contracted by their boss to pick up a load of weed so potent that the Beatles could have only written 'He He He He' whilst fucked up on it, and bring it back. Failing that, return with a collection of eyeballs following the brutal beating, knifing and finally gasoline drenched fiery execution of the hippies should they have decided to commit suicide by reneging on the deal.

Their names were Mr. Hitch and Mr. Neary. It really didn't matter much, since both men were largely refered to as 'ohgoddon'tkillmedon'tnotthethumbsarrrrggghhh!'. Nicknames are fun.

***

At the camp, giggling teenagers waved goodbye cheerily to their fellows as the Decoy's battered vehicle pulled away. "Bye! Byebyebye!" carolled Yvette, who somewhere along the way had removed her socks and gloves and had rolled up the sleeves and legs of her bodysuit. Bouncing on her toes a little, she looked up at Roger. "So! What are we doing now? We are playing the game, yes?"

"Yeah, it's a game, exactly." Roger put on his best Teach Your Children Well face as he smiled down at the softer than usual girl. "It's sort of like a race, but backwards, right? All we have to do is keep the black car--" because they always drove a black car "--from getting up to the cabin. Points will be awarded for creativity and for coincidentiality--remember, the point is for them to have no idea that you ninjas are doing anything." At least nothing they can pin on us, he thought. "Any questions?"

Angel glanced up from where she'd been intently studying the nearest tree. "I can't feel my lips, is that normal - oh, wait, no, there they are! No more questions from me!"

The purple-haired girl glanced at Yvette; sockless, gloveless- showing more skin than Catseye thought she'd ever seen on the red-skinned girl. She heartily approved, having ditched her own stupid, tight, constricting clothes ages ago. "Why can't Catseye just be BigCat and attack the car and eat the bad guys? Catseye is hunnnnnnnngry!" she whined. She'd been constantly hungry since she got to the cabin. "And Catseye is not a ninja, she is a mutant girl who can be a cat."

The amount of skin being shown made Klara uncomfortable, but she kept her mouth shut about that. After all, it wasn't her place to judge people who seemed to be otherwise good people. Not without getting to know them. At least no one expected her to be wearing anything revealing.

"What is a ninja?" Klara questioned, confused. Since her arrival just the other day, slang had confused her. But at the moment, her head felt positively...fuzzy. She didn't think her confusion was only due to the slang. "And could I not just tie their car up in large vines?"

She could sympathize with Catseye's hunger. She was feeling hungry herself. Klara was glad that she'd remembered to bring seeds with her for their trip, having no idea precisely how long a controlled burn would take. She was also hesitant to impose on the school's hospitality more than necessary, despite how kind everyone had been.

Taking out an apple seed from her pocket, she held it in her hand and concentrated. It grew, much larger than an ordinary apple. In fact, it was roughly the size of a watermelon, if watermelons were circular shaped rather than oval shaped. Klara couldn't help herself. Looking at the apple for a moment, she giggled.

"Will this help your hunger, Catseye?" she asked.

Catseye made a face. "Catseye needs meat," she whined, "not apples. Give to Yvette, she loves apples, and she is the apple ninja. A ninja is... Yvette, what is a ninja?" the catgirl asked, easily distracted from their impending task. "Catseye does not know either, except that they are SneakyBad."

"Ooh, apples!" Yvette bounded over. "A ninja is the Japanese assassin person," she informed Catseye and Klara, mesmerised by the giant fruit. "They wear the black pyjamas and climb up the walls, yes?"

Suddenly a loud thump is heard ringing through a set of nearby trees. A large wolf had been jumping from tree to tree, but had missed the last branch and fell to the ground. It didn't seem to stop him long though as he quickly rolled over onto his back, and he seemed to rumble with laughter. But after only a few seconds, his nose began to twitch, he quickly rolled over onto his four paws and began to sprint towards the group again. His voice was a low growl, almost drowning out with each step. "Food! Food! Food! Food!" As he ran, the wolf changed to the gangly Nick Gleason, but didn't slow down until he skidded to a halt just in front of Yvette.

Catseye looked down her nose at Nick and started to move towards the road. "Catseye is going to be a ninja now. If Klara and Yvette can make the car stop with trees Catseye can eat the car's tires. Catseye will be waiting where the road turns."

Her mouth full of apple, Yvette tried to say something, swallowed, and tried again. "Angel and I can be using the trees to block the road, yes," she agreed happily. "And Klara and Mr. Naked Tree Man can be making something grow across the road too, since I am sure Mr. Naked Tree Man has the seeds, yes?" She beamed at her own cleverness. "And Dori can ask the squirrels to help!" Once Dori had stopped stuffing her face with every piece of food nearby, that was. "Hooray, we have the plan!"

"And we have the ninjas," Roger said with a smile, looking around at the group. "From each according to his abilities, right? Okay, ninjas. Let's see what you can do."






The Naked Tree Guy had slowly stripped down to just a pair of shorts as the day had worn on. He was currently crouched beside the road with Klara. "We need to block the road. They're not going to hike in when they have to cart all our gear back out again. Can you grow something big to cover the road? Blackberries or pumpkin vines or something?" He sighed mournfully. "It's heavy, doing this, and it's bad for your soul to put this sort of energy out into the universe but desperate times... We don't have a choice."

Mr. Naked Tree Guy's nudity was making Klara somewhat uncomfortable, but he seemed to at least be a decent human being aside from his immodesty. They were using non-violent tactics to stop bad people. She could appreciate that.

"If you have pumpkin seeds, I can make vines," she said, nodding. "Vines and big pumpkins and all kinds of things."

In theory, she might have been able to make an apple big enough to block the road, but giant pumpkins would look more believable. In her old community, she once remembered admiring an enormous pumpkin that had required several men to move it because it had been so big and heavy. Several pumpkins that big or even bigger might be of use. And if she grew them big enough, they might also be a distraction.

Her head still felt fuzzy. She would have to rely on the Naked Tree Guy's judgment as far as how big she should grow the pumpkins.

"I am ready whenever you are," she announced.

"I'll run up the camp and see what we've got. I think we have pumpkin seeds from my vegie patch," the Naked Tree Guy said. "Pumpkins are very good - we can feed people later and put some good energy back into the universe to replace the bad vibes we're putting out now."


***

"Huh. Didn't know they grew like that."

"Like what?"

"On the ground. I always imagined pumpkins like some kind of weird bush or something."

"Grew up in the city, Mister Neary?"

"Pittsburgh. Nothing grows in Pittsburgh. They paint the parks green to make them look right. True fact."

"This is what interests me, you know." Mister Hitch stepped out of the car, looking at the now blocked road. "That your first observation is not that the roadway is blocked by pumpkins. Or the fact that several of these pumpkins appear to be five foot high or so. But that they grew in a fashion you never conceived of. That's very interesting."

"Well, we deal with things in our own way, Mister Hitch." He cocked his head at the back trunk. "Got the axes, saws and spades in case we need to negotiate with the hippies. Want I should get them?"

"Clearly." Mister Hitch pulled out his phone and pressed the speed dial as Mister Neary began to unload the back. It would be at least several hours to carve a path. "Yes sir. We seem to have reached a bit of an impass with the vegetation. We'll be a few hours late to our meeting. No sir, it's not our supplier's doing, at least I don't imagine it can be. No sir, no really trouble. Just a minor delay, and the rest is easy as--" He watched Mister Neary cave in a giant pumpkin with a wood axe. "-- easy as pie, sir."





A giant wolf was quickly running through the trees, trying his best to keep up with the black car as it labored down the road. The wind running through his fur was very nice, and for a second he let his tongue hang out of the side of his mouth. It was an amazing feeling, if only he had some food. Especially some Funions. Mmmmm, Funions. Wait, what the hell was he supposed to be doing? Oh yeah! The boy spotted the back tire of the car and slowly began to inch closer to the road, hoping that his companion on the other side was starting to have a similar idea. Or at least had some snack food.

Catseye tracked the car from the opposite side of the road, knowing she didn't really have to herd it towards the bend in the path where she told Yvette and Klara she would be waiting to bite the tires when they managed to stop the car. Hunting cars was a little silly, but fun. She just hoped BigCat wouldn't forget not to eat the people in the car. BigCat was hungry. And not thinking the way BigCat normally thought. BigCat was thinking a little like a human, which had started to happen since she'd encountered the feral cats in the city, but mostly BigCat's brain was fuzzy. BigCat was starting to shy away from noises and shapes in the woods, which was definitely odd.

Nick continued to bear down on the car, dodging tree after tree. In this form, the smoke that had clouded his human brain so much was somehow helping him maintain control of his wolf form. It made his brain more human. Or maybe his human brain more wolf like. Anyway, as he got closer to the car, he remembered the whole 'Be a Ninja' speech from earlier. The boy spread out his legs, getting closer to the ground as he slinked forward. But he looked more like While E. Coyote sneaking up on the Road Runner than a ninja at this point.

If BigCat could giggle, it would be giggling now as Catseye watched Nick slinking up to the car. She was doing much the same thing, except of course when she did it, it looked dangerous and stealthy.

With one last glance at the passengers in the vehicle and making sure they weren't paying attention the the villain of the Red Ridding Hood books next to them, Nick let himself fall down onto the road behind the car. He kept his head down, and his shoulders stressed as he picked up his speed to move closer and closer to the car. At the last minute he lunged at the right, back tire, but came up with nothing but air. He rolled several times before coming to a skidding halt, his eyes rolling around in his head as he hoped that next to him, his partner would have a better first attempt, or you know would wait until the plan went into full effect instead of getting too excited by shiny hubcaps.

BigCat was thinking just human enough to dart across the road behind the car and thwapp Nick upside the head. The roadblock Klara and Naked Tree Guy had set up was fifty feet ahead, and the car was already slowing as branches and what looked like enormous pumpkins shone in the headlights of the car.

Nick rolled onto his back, grabbing the top of his head. "Ow!" came out in a growl, but he was quickly able to pull himself back to reality, resuming his ninja-ness before his voice good loud enough to be distinguished from a wolf or coyote howling in the distance. He quickly resumed his spread out, cartoon creeping as he moved back towards the rear bumper of the car, hoping that his stealthy credentials wouldn't entirely be revoked.

Waving her tail dismissively at him, Catseye returned to the other side of the road. The car had stopped now, but the men in it hadn't yet gotten out to inspect the roadblock- they seemed to be staring at the pumpkins. Catseye knew they wouldn't be shocked for long before they came out to get a closer look, though, so she followed Nick's creeping lead and positioned her teeth and claws on the rear tire. She wished it was lighter out, or that she could make some sort of noise to synchronize her movements with Nick, but she couldn't see him or chance making a sound. All she could do was wait for him to stop moving and give him time to get into position. When she bit and clawed at her tire, she hoped he was doing the same to his.

Hearing the clawing at the other side of the car, Nick quickly lunged forward, his teeth sinking deep into the tire and puncturing two deep holes. Whether through his timing, or pure dumb luck the boy heard the tire on the other side popping at the same time. In his slightly less than fully functioning state, Nick let the rush of air from the tires sweep over his face for a few seconds before he realized that he needed to quickly disappear from the now motionless car. The giant wolf stumbled a few times on the rocks at the side of the road, but was able to pull himself together enough to disappear into the woods before being noticed.

After one last longing, hungry look towards the men in the car, Catseye turned tail and scampered after Nick, catching him up and shifting into girlform, stomach lurching with hunger pangs. She wrapped her arms around her naked torso and stifled a cry. "Catseye needs food! Think we can find a hot dog cart in the woods?"

"I wish" Nick quickly said, peering down from their hiding spot and making sure that the men in the car weren't following them up into the trees. He had already shifted back into his human form as well, his head spinning for so many reasons as he turned back towards Catseye. "You must be cold." He took of the tattered remains of his shirt and handed it towards her. "Sorry, but I didn't think to bring sandwiches this time."

Catseye took the shirt. "Catseye does not want clothes!" she scoffed, wrinkling her nose. "Catseye wants to be free! Free from clothes!" She nearly tossed the shirt back at him, but found herself sniffing at it. It smelled like Nick. She liked that. "Does Nick think they followed us? Does Nick think they're coming?" she asked suddenly, putting the shirt on and spinning around to look in all directions for the men.

"I think we're good." The boy said, but to be honest, his attention had already shifted from the confused looking men in the road, and was now firmly planted on the large pumpkin. He couldn't help but lick his lips as he began to think of the various pastries that could be made with it. Suddenly he became aware of how close Catseye was to him, and he wasn't exactly sure which he was more intrigued by. "I think we have officially earned our ninja licenses."

"But what if they come back? What if they chase us?!" Her voice was more high-pitched than usual, and she continued to look around warily for any pursuers. A squirrel raced by in a tree and the catgirl jumped two feet in the air, startled. "What if there are more wolves or big cats in the woods?! What if they come to eat us?! NICK HAS TO PROTECT CATSEYE!" she cried out, and launched herself at him, clinging onto him tightly.

Nick's eyes suddenly opened wide as he wrapped his arms tightly around Catseye, trying to sush her down as he did so. "Everything's going to be fine, I'll protect you...." The boy wasn't so sure about the process as his eyes two were darting around the woods at the squirrels, but instead he was thinking about Squirrel stew, squirrel kabobs, squirrel potato pie.... but before he could continue on, he caught a wiff of Catseye's hair, a smile growing on his face as his face began to drift away with a goofy grin.

Catseye glanced up at the squirrels again. "Can we eat the squirrels, Nick? That way they can't tell the bad guys where we're hiding and the bad guys won't come after us?"

"That's the best idea I've heard...." Nick suddenly shook his head, trying to bring himself back to reality in the process. "Um... that probably wouldn't be the best idea." He'd hate to see what Doreen would say if they came back with a bushy tail hanging from their lips. "I think they're on our side." He wasn't sure if that was a joke, or if he really did believe himself. "You want to go join back up with the others? I'm starving!"

"The squirrels pick sides? No! Nonono! Do you think some are picking sides not ours? Do you think they'll come after us? We should eat them first!"

Call him crazy, but Nick was starting to believe her on this one. "You know that one actually has been eyeballing be fore a while now..." Nick took a few quick steps forward, keeping his eyes on the squirrel in the tree. Before the creature could do anything else, Nick had shifted back into wolf form, lunging at it with clenched jaws.

The catgirl followed suit, shifting into BigCat and taking off after another squirrel. When she returned with it in her mouth, she put it down in front of Nick, offering it to him.

The wolf and his instinctual hunger dove directly into the squirrel. He was already halfway through it before Nick was able to gain enough control of himself to offer the shattered remains of the squirrel in his hand towards Catseye, a half grin pulling at the corners of his snout.

Catseye devoured the rest of the squirrel and went off to get another. When she came back she shifted, keeping hold of the squirrel. "This one Catseye wants to cook and eat in girlform to make her stomach stop hurting. And because when the other squirrels see it, they will know not to mess with Catseye and Nick!"

Shifting back as well, Nick was smiling from ear to ear again. "Good plan." Unconsciously, he offered his hand towards Catseye, feeling slightly better now that there was at least something in his stomach.

Her stomach wasn't hurting so much anymore because her head was so fuzzy with thinking about whether someone was coming to get them. And she wasn't thinking about her problems with Nick at all. Nick was taking care of her. He was going to make sure no one came after them. She took his hand but realized when she did that she had the squirrel in hers.

Nick laughed for a second before reaching out and taking the squirrel, transferring it to his free hand. "I'll take that." He reached out for Catseye's hand again. "Let's go."

"You think Angel will barbecue the squirrel for us?" Her eyes went wide as a thought dawned on her. "What if Angel accidently cooks Nick and Catseye with her fire?!"

"I think I'll take my chances." Beginning to disappear down the hill, Nick turned back towards Catseye. "But I'll make sure you're safe before I get cooked."

***

"I know that sound."

"Flat tire?"

"Flat tire."

"It has some significance?"

"I forget your youth sometimes, Mister Neary. Have you ever heard of a technique called 'pressing'?"

"I can't say that I have, Mister Hitch."

"It comes to us from our delightful friends in the Spanish Inquisition. The technique is remarkably simple. You take your victim, and restrain them flat on a surface, and place a large board over their body, that covers them to their neck."

"That long?"

"I found that one of those folding long tables that they use in school cafetarias is an effective choice. On that board, you begin to stack weights, strategically and evenly, slowly increasing the pressure on the body below."

"It does sound like it requires a lot of patience, Mister Hitch."

"It is not a technique for the man in a hurry. There is a point in which the body can simply take no more pressure, and the ribs begin to crack, and are driven down with the sternum into the body. The sound made by the subject is very much like that of a flat tire, as the air is completely pressed out of him in a steady stream."

"We do live and learn, Mister Hitch." Both men got out of the car and stared at the two flat tires for a momet. Mister Neary opened the truck, pulling out the spare, a jack, airpump and a tire repair kit. In their line of work, they were used to being prepared for eventualities. He got to work as Mister Hitch pressed his phone.

"Yes sir. Some tire trouble, sir. No, looks like we picked up a nail or something. Maybe an animal. It's a very inhospitable area." He held the phone from his ear and looked at his partner. "Salem."

"Ys, Mister Neary?"

"During the Witch trials in Salem, none of the convicted were ever burned. All of them were hung except for Giles Corey. He was pressed to death, the only known case of such in the United States."

"Well done for the Inquisition then, Mister Hitch."

"Sorry sir. No, we'll be on our way in a jiff. Not to worry. We respect that the matter is somewhat pressing at the moment."







“Stop trying to steer my head!” Angel yelped with a giggle as she wobbled in the air. Yvette, wrapped in fireproof blankets, was settled on her back like a red, wooly Yoda. It was a drunken, low level flight as Angel struggled to keep them aloft but not enflame the forest – that had already been sort of done and she had no interest in adding to it. Also, Yvette kept giggling which meant she kept giggling, which meant the flight was a bit erratic.

"But the pigtails are like the handlebars on the bicycle!" Yvette crowed back, wrapping her legs a bit more firmly around Angel's middle as one of the wobbles threatened to dismount her entirely. "See?" And with that, she tugged gently on the left one.

That elicited a slight shriek and a juke to the left before Angel was able to straighten out. “You are so totally grounded from here on out!”

Yvette pouted. "But it's fun! And I am cute, so you cannot be grounding me." The logic made sense in her head, if nowhere else.

"But I'm cute, too, so that means I can ... do something, yes?" She grinned and started banking slowly, trying to not dislodge her passenger. "I think I see our landing 'pad'!"

"Yes! And there is the road!" Yvette leaned over, too far over, and with a small shriek wound up sliding around her friend's torso so now she was dangling upside down from Angel's front, clinging for dear life with hands and legs, the blankets fortunately helping protect Angel from her roomie's skin as much as her fire shield. "Whoops!"

“Emergancy landing!” Angel yelped, half in shock and half in laughter. She angled them both down sharply, trying to slow her speed without losing the momentum she needed to carry Yvette but after a few minutes, it was a moot matter as they both hit the road and started to bounce – thankfully losing the grip on each other before they could end up a skewered, flaming mess.

Yvette squealed as they landed, rolling and bouncing along the road in a burst of giggles and a tangle of blankets. For a moment she struggled weakly, hampered by the fact she couldn’t stop laughing, to escape from the blankets, eventually poking her head through a gap. “Are you being all right, Angel?”

The bushes over to Yvette’s right rustled violently for a second before they spat out a frazzled looking red head with sticks in her hair. “Oh, duuuude, totally fine. Except for the sticks. The sticks don’t like me. Thank god for the fire stuff, you know, or else my head would be worse off than it is now.”

“At least you will be getting the revenge!” Yvette flailed a bit more within the blanket and managed to free one arm. She’d ditched the body suit completely at this point and was wearing just the bra and underwear Clarice had designed for her out of Forge’s self-repairing cloth. She looked rather like a butterfly struggling free of its cocoon. “Burny sticks, hooray!”

Angel was looking mournfully into her pockets. She’d put a thing of Mentos in there earlier but now it was just a pile of ash. “Stupid fire,” she grumbled before reaching over to yank on the blanket, trying to untangle her roommate. “Out you get!” she said cheerfully. “And once you’re out, burny sticks for everyone!

Yvette finally tumbled free, still giggling uncontrollably. “Freedom!” she cried, scrambling to her feet. In the moonlight, her eyes shone like two little headlights. She looked around, better able to see in the dark than Angel. “If we are setting fire to the brush along the road as well as across it, it will look more like the normal fire, yes?”

"As long as I make it look like real fire," Angel agreed. Forest fires didn't burn blue, after all, and even though Angel though it was a much prettier color for fire, she had to make sure her blue flames were lost among the red. Once it got started, though, that would be a cinch. "Try and contain it so it's not like whoa all out there, right?"

Yvette nodded. "I can be clearing the bushes on the other side so there is not so much to burn." Thought followed action as the small girl moved to clear a firebreak on the far side of the bushes to the road. From the road itself, it would look perfectly normal, but from Yvette's side, a meter-wide clear space was rapidly being created as she cut back grass and brush and used her long fingers - they grew when she wanted them to, in her stoned state - to scrape away the leaves and twigs. It took maybe fifteen minutes of frenzied activity before she stopped, panting a little. "This is good, yes?"

Angel looked back from where she'd been juggling balls of fire - nearly missing on several occassions due to her 'condition' - and grinned. "Brilliant, my lobster minion! Scoot back so I can do my bit, yeah?"

She waited until Yvette was watching from a safe distance and then Angel crouched down at the end of where Yvette had piled everything up. Her concentration was shot so she had to be really careful as she called up her flame, shoving her hand deep down in the brush.

It was dry, so it didn't take long to flare up and she directed a line of fire along the line of brush, flaring it up but not out.It was dry, so it didn't take long to flare up and she directed a line of fire along the line of brush, flaring it up but not out.

"Very pretty," Yvette approved, clapping her hands together. Then she paused, tilting her head. "Quick! To be hiding! I can hear the car coming!" Putting words to action, she dived into the non-burning section of brush.

"Hiding, hiding - wait, I know!" Angel dove into a particularly large brush that was on fire, burying herself down so she could hide and potentially feed the fire.

"Dude, I love being me," she whispered to herself.


***

"The radio mentioned that they were doing controlled burns. Didn't mention they would be this far to the west though."

"I guess that would make it an uncontrolled burn then, wouldn't it, Mister Neary?"

"Yes, Mister Hitch." He sighed, looking at his map. "Uncontrolled or not, it is directly in our way."

"It reminds me of that job in Rochester, two years ago. You recall, Mister Neary? The gentleman that ran the barbeque restaurant which used the large open fire pits to cook the food in front of the customers."

"I had forgotton about it until this very moment you mentioned him, Mister Hitch. Yes, those giant fire pits that everyone commented on being so surprising since they must be a fire hazard, and worried one day something would happen and the entire restaurant would go up in flames."

"Yes. Pity about him not wanting to pay his debts. Fire is so unpredictable."

Mister Neary thought about it for a moment. "I suppose unpredictable is the truth, considering that his house burned to the ground with him trapped in the attic, and that restaurant is still doing a thriving business."

"We will have to visit for the ribs again sometime." Mister Hitch pulled a fire extinguisher from the side of the seat. "Here, take one of the shovels and this. See if you can make a path beside the worst of it, and we'll slowly edge around the main fire as it burns out."

"My best to the boss." Mister Neary climbed out as Mister Hitch switched on the phone.

"Yes sir. More delays. It appears that the Forestry officials in charge of this park have some challenges with controlled burns. No, shouldn't be much of a problem. Just some more time lost. No, I think we can handle this on our own, certainly. It's not a very well maintained road." He tapped the dash. "Yes, I'm sure they are burning to deliver our shipment to us, sir. Burning."





Doreen giggled. One of the local squirrels had just said something extremely hilarious, though she couldn’t recall it in English right now for the life of her. Which was totally okay, she decided. She sat in the branches and while she normally only had fifty, maybe sixty at the most, squirrels around her, there were hundreds. The jabbering was almost deafening.

She stood up and held her fists to her chest in an anime-hero type of pose. She had a job to do! This was important.

The next moment the fists were slightly open hands in front of her as she started laughing. The way a super villain would. Very Doctor Horrible.

“Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!” and then she pointed, “Go forth, my minions!” minions was a good word for this, “Go forth!”

The forest itself seemed to move, the branches of the trees creaking beneath the weight of the wave of squirrels.

There was a click, and then the sound of tremolo strings flooded the forest. The wave of squirrels parted to go around the balding, bearded man standing on a fallen log and holding an ancient boombox over his head, volume cranked as Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" echoed through the trees. He cackled with laughter as the squirrels bounded past him, a maniacal gleam in his eye. It was this or run, and frankly, setting the squirrel army loose on the bad guys was at least a good way to die.

With the music playing, the wave of squirrels continued to move forward, individuals only stopping to grab stuff to throw and Doreen? Doreen could not stop cackling as she and Monkey Joe stood high in the tree.

***

"Squirrels, Mister Hitch."

"Squirrels, Mister Neary."

"Have you encountered them before?"

"Squirrels? They are popular with people, Mister Neary. I recall families going to the park with peanuts and pieces of stale bread to feed them. They seemed to be cheerful with the frolicing."

"You have an eye for the everyday, Mister Hitch. But I more meant that did your experience ever cover what appears to be a living wave of them descending on the car."

"No. No, I feel that we will be creating a response to what is a unique situation for both of us out of our own judgement without the benefit of past experience." Mister Hitch slowed the car, and then stopped it, his way truly blocked. "I would suggest we roll up the windows first."

"An excellent notion."

Outside, the car was swiftly covered in a living carpet of squirrels, who nattered and scratched and scrambled around the vehicle, unable to damage it past superficial scratches, but making it impossible to see or continue while they were there.

"Perhaps it is one of those phenomenons, as animals fleeing danger are said to have."

"You are suggesting that the squirrels are reacting to the fires in the park by attempting to ride our car to safety, Mister Neary?"

"I don't have much experience with them, Mister Hitch, but I imagine they must be similar to other panicked animals. On a news program, I saw a drastic number of northern Indians fleeing the site of an earthquake on a train, and they were clinging to the sides and the top of the cars, as well as inside it."

"It is a rare man that can bridge the cognitive gap between the behaviour of squirrels to make a connection to that of the reaction of Indo-Aryan groups to a natural disaster. You might be on to something there, Mister Neary."

"I try, Mister Hitch."

"Too right." Mister Hitch thumbed the button on his phone. "Yes sir. I'm afraid we're going to be quite late. We may need to stop for the night here and came in tomorrow. No sir, simply delays of the natural and aboral kind. We'll sort it out sharpish. Thank you for your concern sir. We'll be in contact when the situation is less... squirrelly."