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xp_logsBackdated to September 5th, before the first day of classes.
David catches Sam coming in from a flight, expecting that it will be less confrontational. Turns out Sam still isn't very confrontational.
Sam hadn't been flying often in the last few weeks. He had recently decided to work on his fine control again even though he knew he'd never be very graceful due to the speeds he had to fly at. After a few laps around the grounds and a few short dashes up and down the area, he headed back to the mansion and with some effort gently set down on the roof. Fortunately it was before he noticed David or he would have most certainly been too distracted to make a gentle landing.
A small wave at the corner of his eye attracted his attention. The telepath was standing by the access door, a lit cigarette in his hand. "You do that easier with combustion than I do with TK," he observed, tapping ash into an old soda can doing duty an ashtray. "It seems like it should be the opposite."
"If I get distracted then it doesn't look anywhere near that neat." Sam said with a slight laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I end up taking out trees and having to fill in the holes in the yard then." The Southern boy was nervous immediately, knowing full well David was going to be evaluating him, at least on some level.
Sam wasn't the only one feeling apprehensive; Jim's search for an approach drew the silence to a length that was slightly uncomfortable. If he'd known Sam better, or if they didn't happen to be the same age and as such in an unfamiliar place in Jim's rolodex of personal interactions, this might have been easier. Fortunately, Sam was not difficult to read, and he suspected the other man was looking at the possibility of making smalltalk with ulterior motives with similar dread. Jim decided to take pity on the both of them.
"It's okay," said the telepath as he lowered his cigarette and abandoned all pretence of socializing. "I mean, I am checking on you, sort of, but it's not formal and I don't do peer-work anyway. Mostly I think it's just because the professor thought it might be easier for us to talk since I've been benched for psych-evaluation, too." A little of Jim's own nervousness brought his hand to the back of his head for an awkward rub. "Um, twice. But would that be okay?"
Sam nodded and took a seat. "Sometimes I just wish someone would jump into my head, take a look around, see I'm not crazy, and then we could be done with this. I'm not sure how we'd know where boundaries were if we didn't test them to begin with, anyway." It was something that had weighed on him about the whole affair lately.
"Um, I could do that, but it's a little closer than I like to get with most people." Jim folded his legs under himself as well, cigarette and can gathered in one hand. "They didn't really tell me a lot. Mostly it was Scott, because the professor doesn't really go into detail when he's been counseling someone, and Scott's job is making sure no one gets hurt, mostly, so . . ." Jim waved vaguely. "Different concerns. He said the scenario was about you trying to figure out if you had a choice? About your actions, I mean."
"Wanted to see if I had the potential. If I was in control or if there was nothing there. I know it sounds stupid to some people but they don't have Jay for a brother and they don't need to know things like that." Sam glanced over to David then back out to look over the mansion grounds. "We all have lots of traits we don't ask for, don't we? I don't see how everyone can be so sure that being aggressive ain't one of them without figuring it out themselves."
Jim sighed. "Aggression's not that great. I mean, you know all the problems Logan's had. Me too, sometimes. Mostly it just screws up what you're trying to get done." The telepath tilted his head at Sam, remembering something Scott had mentioned. "Wait, are you talking about the ability to act aggressively, like on a mission, or something . . . emotionally intrinsic?"
"I mean to say... If I don't know if I can be aggressive and out of control then how can I tell Jay he can get it under control? How would I know to say that?" Sam put his hands on his knees, looking down at them. "I needed to know I had something to control so I knew I was controlling it and not just that I couldn't be any other way."
"So you don't want to tell him to do as you say, not as you necessarily do?" The comment was filler, but Jim needed to think. While Jim thought it would be foolish to dismiss Sam's attempts to empathize with his younger brother, which did feel genuine, he was getting the feeling Sam's relationship with Jay was only part of it. It was something Scott had said, that Sam thought others saw him as a "puppy dog", and that he'd lost his teeth. Jim tried to take care with his reply.
"I think everyone gets the sentiment," he said slowly, "it's more about the way you followed it up. Um . . . sorry, maybe I'm off base, but it sounds like you're not entirely sure of yourself. I mean, more than just in your ability to relate to Jay, but yourself as a person."
Sam laughed softly at that comment. "Show me a person that says they're absolutely sure of themselves and I'll show you a liar... Momma said something along those lines at some point I'm sure." Southern life was full of adages like that and the source was often difficult to keep up with.
"That's true, but I mean to the point it's actually bothering you." Jim flicked the tip of his cigarette to avoid the necessity of eye contact. "It is normal, but I think the thing that worries Scott and the professor is that you're trying to figure it out in ways that could be dangerous. And not just to anyone else, but to you. Probably mostly to you." The telepath ventured a look at Sam. "Has it been bad lately?"
"I haven't been feeling quite right since I fought Sabertooth and I didn't hurt him. I just got tossed around and I realized that when I fight I don't throw punches. I thought maybe I was too afraid of hurting someone and it was keeping me from doing what I needed to." Sam paused for just a moment and looked back at David. "After what happened with Kyle... now I don't think I was being too careful. I was probably being just careful enough." He looked back out over the grounds. "I didn't mean for anyone to be there and I wouldn't have done it here at all but it really was the safest place I could think of. I've been wondering why people don't see that."
"They were probably too busy wondering why you did it," Jim remarked. "Personally, I think that was definitely better than trying it in the field and accidentally kicking off Toad's head or something, but I think what they see as the problem is the fact you didn't tell anyone what was going on. It just looked like it came out of nowhere, and that worried them." He gave Sam a half-smile. "I think Scott's extra paranoid about stuff like that. He's king of keeping things bottled until they explode. Or implode, I guess. A lot of us have that problem." He rolled the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger. "It's hard to figure out when it not being anybody else's business and not wanting to bother anyone turns into something you have to communicate before people start getting scared."
"I figured he'd have understood because of that." Sam smiled back as much as he could manage. "I know it came out of nowhere for everyone but it was accident it came out at all. I'm the only person here that needs to worry about understanding Jay and I'm also the only one that has to work with my powers... I appreciate people being worried but I think it went beyond that."
"Maybe, but all anyone can know is what they see." With a sigh, Jim rubbed at the back of his neck. "It's bad to say, but I think the reason it became such a big deal is because you're -- stable, I guess. People can mistake that for not having any problems, but it's not true. It just means you're less showy about it than people with a history of instability. If Nathan or Logan or I go off somehow people say 'oh, it's a day ending in Y', but if you do the same thing . . ." Jim spread his hands. "No one judges the responsible ones on the same curve. It's not fair, but it's true."
"Then at least I know where I stand," Sam said with a slight sarcastic edge. It wasn't his usual style of humor but he was still trying. "I just have to do a lot more unstable things until that becomes usual." He wasn't serious, of course. The situation was just far too tense for his comfort.
Jim made a face, though the joke was clear. "Maybe just tell the professor in advance if you ever feel a little off-balance again. Like I said, since part of the issue is that it looks like this whole thing came out of the blue I think it'll save you a lot of potential interrogation time." And possibly preclude the need to test this kind of thing out in the Danger Room, but that was really up to Sam. Some people just found it easier to express themselves physically than verbally, and he suspected Sam was one of them. At least the current issue sounded more or less resolved, which was something. Jim raised his hands and made a weak effort to return the joke. "Trust me, it's just easier. I spent too much time not trying to bother anyone with my crap, and now I'm the guy with mandatory psych debriefings after every mission. Learn from my example. Don't let me be the ghost of things yet to come."
"I'll try to find someone to talk with, I suppose." Sam stood and dusted the pants of his flight suit off. "Maybe that's what I need to avoid this." He didn't correct David about the off balance statement. The Southern man hadn't felt off balance at all but he had given up on people really understanding some of the things he had to do.
The telepath nodded. Sam didn't sound enthused, but frankly Jim didn't blame him. Even he had felt slightly out of sync with the man during this conversation, and he suspected communication issues were a problem just as significant as the underlying upset. That more than anything had to be frustrating.
He exhaled slowly and got to his feet. "I can let Scott know you're willing. You've already done your time with the professor, so now that you've got something vaguely preventative he'll probably let you back on active." Jim gave the other man an awkward smile. "Sorry you had to suffer through this," he added, belatedly realizing he wasn't entirely clear whether he was referring to the ordeal, the internal tension that had caused it, or his own painful attempts at conversation.
"Can't have good days without bad." Sam offered his hand and returned David's smile. "I think we have an agreement on me teaching again as well so it doesn't seem like I harmed myself or anyone else too bad in all of this."
"Mostly your own sense of privacy, I'd guess," Jim replied, accepting the hand. "On the balance of things, as long as you can keep it to that I think you're allowed to have a bad day or two."
David catches Sam coming in from a flight, expecting that it will be less confrontational. Turns out Sam still isn't very confrontational.
Sam hadn't been flying often in the last few weeks. He had recently decided to work on his fine control again even though he knew he'd never be very graceful due to the speeds he had to fly at. After a few laps around the grounds and a few short dashes up and down the area, he headed back to the mansion and with some effort gently set down on the roof. Fortunately it was before he noticed David or he would have most certainly been too distracted to make a gentle landing.
A small wave at the corner of his eye attracted his attention. The telepath was standing by the access door, a lit cigarette in his hand. "You do that easier with combustion than I do with TK," he observed, tapping ash into an old soda can doing duty an ashtray. "It seems like it should be the opposite."
"If I get distracted then it doesn't look anywhere near that neat." Sam said with a slight laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I end up taking out trees and having to fill in the holes in the yard then." The Southern boy was nervous immediately, knowing full well David was going to be evaluating him, at least on some level.
Sam wasn't the only one feeling apprehensive; Jim's search for an approach drew the silence to a length that was slightly uncomfortable. If he'd known Sam better, or if they didn't happen to be the same age and as such in an unfamiliar place in Jim's rolodex of personal interactions, this might have been easier. Fortunately, Sam was not difficult to read, and he suspected the other man was looking at the possibility of making smalltalk with ulterior motives with similar dread. Jim decided to take pity on the both of them.
"It's okay," said the telepath as he lowered his cigarette and abandoned all pretence of socializing. "I mean, I am checking on you, sort of, but it's not formal and I don't do peer-work anyway. Mostly I think it's just because the professor thought it might be easier for us to talk since I've been benched for psych-evaluation, too." A little of Jim's own nervousness brought his hand to the back of his head for an awkward rub. "Um, twice. But would that be okay?"
Sam nodded and took a seat. "Sometimes I just wish someone would jump into my head, take a look around, see I'm not crazy, and then we could be done with this. I'm not sure how we'd know where boundaries were if we didn't test them to begin with, anyway." It was something that had weighed on him about the whole affair lately.
"Um, I could do that, but it's a little closer than I like to get with most people." Jim folded his legs under himself as well, cigarette and can gathered in one hand. "They didn't really tell me a lot. Mostly it was Scott, because the professor doesn't really go into detail when he's been counseling someone, and Scott's job is making sure no one gets hurt, mostly, so . . ." Jim waved vaguely. "Different concerns. He said the scenario was about you trying to figure out if you had a choice? About your actions, I mean."
"Wanted to see if I had the potential. If I was in control or if there was nothing there. I know it sounds stupid to some people but they don't have Jay for a brother and they don't need to know things like that." Sam glanced over to David then back out to look over the mansion grounds. "We all have lots of traits we don't ask for, don't we? I don't see how everyone can be so sure that being aggressive ain't one of them without figuring it out themselves."
Jim sighed. "Aggression's not that great. I mean, you know all the problems Logan's had. Me too, sometimes. Mostly it just screws up what you're trying to get done." The telepath tilted his head at Sam, remembering something Scott had mentioned. "Wait, are you talking about the ability to act aggressively, like on a mission, or something . . . emotionally intrinsic?"
"I mean to say... If I don't know if I can be aggressive and out of control then how can I tell Jay he can get it under control? How would I know to say that?" Sam put his hands on his knees, looking down at them. "I needed to know I had something to control so I knew I was controlling it and not just that I couldn't be any other way."
"So you don't want to tell him to do as you say, not as you necessarily do?" The comment was filler, but Jim needed to think. While Jim thought it would be foolish to dismiss Sam's attempts to empathize with his younger brother, which did feel genuine, he was getting the feeling Sam's relationship with Jay was only part of it. It was something Scott had said, that Sam thought others saw him as a "puppy dog", and that he'd lost his teeth. Jim tried to take care with his reply.
"I think everyone gets the sentiment," he said slowly, "it's more about the way you followed it up. Um . . . sorry, maybe I'm off base, but it sounds like you're not entirely sure of yourself. I mean, more than just in your ability to relate to Jay, but yourself as a person."
Sam laughed softly at that comment. "Show me a person that says they're absolutely sure of themselves and I'll show you a liar... Momma said something along those lines at some point I'm sure." Southern life was full of adages like that and the source was often difficult to keep up with.
"That's true, but I mean to the point it's actually bothering you." Jim flicked the tip of his cigarette to avoid the necessity of eye contact. "It is normal, but I think the thing that worries Scott and the professor is that you're trying to figure it out in ways that could be dangerous. And not just to anyone else, but to you. Probably mostly to you." The telepath ventured a look at Sam. "Has it been bad lately?"
"I haven't been feeling quite right since I fought Sabertooth and I didn't hurt him. I just got tossed around and I realized that when I fight I don't throw punches. I thought maybe I was too afraid of hurting someone and it was keeping me from doing what I needed to." Sam paused for just a moment and looked back at David. "After what happened with Kyle... now I don't think I was being too careful. I was probably being just careful enough." He looked back out over the grounds. "I didn't mean for anyone to be there and I wouldn't have done it here at all but it really was the safest place I could think of. I've been wondering why people don't see that."
"They were probably too busy wondering why you did it," Jim remarked. "Personally, I think that was definitely better than trying it in the field and accidentally kicking off Toad's head or something, but I think what they see as the problem is the fact you didn't tell anyone what was going on. It just looked like it came out of nowhere, and that worried them." He gave Sam a half-smile. "I think Scott's extra paranoid about stuff like that. He's king of keeping things bottled until they explode. Or implode, I guess. A lot of us have that problem." He rolled the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger. "It's hard to figure out when it not being anybody else's business and not wanting to bother anyone turns into something you have to communicate before people start getting scared."
"I figured he'd have understood because of that." Sam smiled back as much as he could manage. "I know it came out of nowhere for everyone but it was accident it came out at all. I'm the only person here that needs to worry about understanding Jay and I'm also the only one that has to work with my powers... I appreciate people being worried but I think it went beyond that."
"Maybe, but all anyone can know is what they see." With a sigh, Jim rubbed at the back of his neck. "It's bad to say, but I think the reason it became such a big deal is because you're -- stable, I guess. People can mistake that for not having any problems, but it's not true. It just means you're less showy about it than people with a history of instability. If Nathan or Logan or I go off somehow people say 'oh, it's a day ending in Y', but if you do the same thing . . ." Jim spread his hands. "No one judges the responsible ones on the same curve. It's not fair, but it's true."
"Then at least I know where I stand," Sam said with a slight sarcastic edge. It wasn't his usual style of humor but he was still trying. "I just have to do a lot more unstable things until that becomes usual." He wasn't serious, of course. The situation was just far too tense for his comfort.
Jim made a face, though the joke was clear. "Maybe just tell the professor in advance if you ever feel a little off-balance again. Like I said, since part of the issue is that it looks like this whole thing came out of the blue I think it'll save you a lot of potential interrogation time." And possibly preclude the need to test this kind of thing out in the Danger Room, but that was really up to Sam. Some people just found it easier to express themselves physically than verbally, and he suspected Sam was one of them. At least the current issue sounded more or less resolved, which was something. Jim raised his hands and made a weak effort to return the joke. "Trust me, it's just easier. I spent too much time not trying to bother anyone with my crap, and now I'm the guy with mandatory psych debriefings after every mission. Learn from my example. Don't let me be the ghost of things yet to come."
"I'll try to find someone to talk with, I suppose." Sam stood and dusted the pants of his flight suit off. "Maybe that's what I need to avoid this." He didn't correct David about the off balance statement. The Southern man hadn't felt off balance at all but he had given up on people really understanding some of the things he had to do.
The telepath nodded. Sam didn't sound enthused, but frankly Jim didn't blame him. Even he had felt slightly out of sync with the man during this conversation, and he suspected communication issues were a problem just as significant as the underlying upset. That more than anything had to be frustrating.
He exhaled slowly and got to his feet. "I can let Scott know you're willing. You've already done your time with the professor, so now that you've got something vaguely preventative he'll probably let you back on active." Jim gave the other man an awkward smile. "Sorry you had to suffer through this," he added, belatedly realizing he wasn't entirely clear whether he was referring to the ordeal, the internal tension that had caused it, or his own painful attempts at conversation.
"Can't have good days without bad." Sam offered his hand and returned David's smile. "I think we have an agreement on me teaching again as well so it doesn't seem like I harmed myself or anyone else too bad in all of this."
"Mostly your own sense of privacy, I'd guess," Jim replied, accepting the hand. "On the balance of things, as long as you can keep it to that I think you're allowed to have a bad day or two."
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