Kitty needs therapy. Lots of it.

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

Kitty swallowed nervously as she stood outside the door of Dr. Samson’s office. When the Professor had mentioned that Dr. Samson would be coming to the mansion Kitty had been very glad. She knew she needed to talk to someone about everything that had been happening, and Jamie’s suggestion had simply reinforced the idea. But that didn’t mean she was really wild about the idea of seeing a shrink, let alone a kiddie-shrink.

With a sigh, she pushed open the door, peering around it. “Dr. Samson?” she said, biting her lip a little worriedly.

“Hello. Kitty right?”

“Yeah, hi.” Stepping into the room, she smiled at the doctor, trying to quell her nerves.

“Come on in,” he said, gesturing to the chair opposite his desk. “Take a seat.”

“Thanks.” Sitting carefully on the chair, she tried to smile. “Um, thank you for seeing me.”

“Not a problem at all. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“Thank you, you as well.”

“So, Kitty, you wanted to talk with me, right? How have you been?” He had a pencil in his hand, and a pad of paper sitting on his desk. “Oh, you don’t mind if I take notes, do you? I find it helpful.”

“Oh, no, that’s fine. I’m not surprised.” Kitty’s smile was slightly wider this time. “I mean, it’s kind of typical, isn’t it?”

Dr. Samson smiled back. “All right then, I can deal with being typical, and even predictable. So then, how are you doing these days?”

“Um...” Kitty settled farther back into her seat. “I guess I’m doing all right.”

“Really? I guess I’m glad to hear that.”

Kitty couldn’t help but blush at that. “Yeah, ok, point. Things have been kind of messed up, for a while, actually.”

“Messed up? How so?”

“Well, you know about the attack, right?” When Dr. Samson nodded, Kitty continued. “I mean, you know about both of them?”

Dr. Samson nodded again.

“There’s something very weird about that, isn’t there? I mean, that I can actually talk about my home and school being attacked in terms of ‘both’. It’s kind of horrible.” Kitty’s smile had pretty much disappeared.

“It is, yes,” Dr. Samson said. “I know a lot of the other kids have been having trouble dealing with it.”

“Yeah, but see, that’s the thing. I really... I really haven’t been. It’s like, I’m almost getting used to being shot at, to having people hate me. And that’s... that’s horrible, too.” Kitty fell silent, staring down at the carpet.

Watching her closely, Dr. Samson leaned forward. “Kitty, would you tell me about the first attack?”

“Hmm?” Kitty looked up, almost as if she’d forgotten where she was. “Oh, yeah... They... they broke into the house, and something they did woke Terry, my roommate. Her mutation is a sonic scream, and when she saw them she started screaming, woke everyone up. I... I phased right before I would have been tranked, falling through the floor, and I made it to the exit, got out with the rest of the kids who escaped. But... Well, I started having nightmares, and when I’d hear someone scream I’d phase automatically. It took me almost a month to get over that...” She trailed off, not sure what else to say. The waiting to find out if the others had made it out, the worrying about the x-men, the horrible headache – all of it had been bad, but nothing had been as bad as waking up with a man holding a gun on her, waking up to Terry’s scream, and escaping, and then hearing her scream cut out...

Dr. Samson nodded. “How was the recent attack different?”

“I... I didn’t get away,” she whispered, staring at the ground. “I could have, for a moment I could have, if I’d left ‘Yana alone, or once the shooting started after... after they took us hostage. I didn’t get away.”

“Why? You could have, why didn’t you?”

“’Yana and Artie needed me,” she said, quietly. “I could help them, and if I could, I had to. I’d... I’d have hated myself if I hadn’t.”

“You chose to stay, to face them?”

“For the kids, yeah. I... I had to.”

“You know Kitty, facing them, facing the things and people who scared you so much last time, and making it out safely... That’s very brave.” Dr. Samson smiled. “You stood up to your fears, I’m not really surprised you’re handling this attack better than the last one. Knowing you can take care of yourself, it’s very reassuring.”

“Yeah, I guess...” Kitty said, thoughtfully.

“You’re an intelligent young woman, Kitty, and you’re smart enough to know when to be afraid and when not to, when to run and when to stand and fight. And right now, emotionally, you sound like you know that this is something to be afraid of, but also something to fight, and something which can be fought.”

“Jamie...” she started, then glanced down. “My boyfriend, Jamie – don’t know if you know him... He’s, he’s started working on a plan, well, more of a crusade really. Something to do to get people to not be so angry and afraid of mutants. Mutant PR, if you will.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s... it’s amazing, really. He’s amazing. And, I think, having something to do, having something to concentrate on and a plan is... is really good at taking my mind off things.”

“Yes, keeping busy is always good.” The doctor considered her. “Is the attack the only thing you’ve been trying to keep your mind off of?”

“I...” Kitty shook her head, deciding suddenly that she needed to talk about this. “No. My... my parents are getting divorced. May be already, by now, actually.”

Dr. Samson’s eyebrow raised – this hadn’t been in her file. There’d been a note about some possible problems, but not this. “Really? What do you mean, ‘may be already’? Don’t you know?”

“No, actually. I... I broke my laptop the other week, you see, and had to write home and ask if I could get a new one, and my dad said yes but my mom said no, and I was confused, and then a couple weeks ago my mom wrote me and said that the two of them were separated – had been for almost a month – and that she’d let me know when the divorce was finalized, but of course, if they didn’t tell me to begin with why would they tell me now?” Kitty stopped, realizing her breathing had become unsteady, and she fixed her gaze on the ground, trying not to cry.

“That sounds like an awful shock.”

“Yeah, it was,” she said, without looking up. “I’ve... I’ve been here at Xavier’s since I was thirteen, haven’t been home for more than a week or two since then, and I haven’t been home at all since two winters ago. They came here last fall, and things were really strange, but I didn’t know it had gotten so bad.”

“They don’t write often?”

“No. My mother’s a complete scatter brain, and my father’s so wrapped up in his work...”

“How are you dealing with this?”

“Um... badly? I don’t know. I’ve... I’ve mostly been not dealing with it,” she admitted, blushing faintly. “Jamie knows, but he’s the only person I’ve told. I didn’t... I don’t want to think about it, mostly.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s like... well, it’s stupid, but it’s like if I don’t think about it, don’t talk about it, it won’t be happening.”

“How do you feel about it? I know,” he said with a little smile when she looked up at him. “It’s another one of those predictable doctor questions, but really, how does it make you feel?”

Kitty sighed, slumping her shoulders. “Upset, obviously. Frightened, I guess – are they still going to be there for me? Shocked, cause I didn’t expect anything, and angry. Angry they didn’t tell me, and angry they’re doing it. And... well... I’m a mutant, and a freak, do I have to be a freak from a broken family?” she asked finally, defeat in her voice.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s really selfish, I know, but... I want them to be together. I need them to be together. Things are hard enough.”

“That’s perfectly understandable, Kitty. Those are all reasonable reactions.”

Kitty looked up, biting her lip again. “Yeah, I know. But... I...” Her voice trailed off, then she seemed to steel herself. Looking down, she whispered, “It’s even more than selfish but... it’s like, they’re breaking up, and it’s nothing to do with me, and I know that, but... why not? They didn’t even tell me. Am I not important enough? When things got difficult, when it turned out I was a mutant, they shipped me off here. I know it’s not that they didn’t want me around, but... God, it feels like I’m not... like they don’t want me around, don’t want me to be a part of this, of them... and now there’s not even a them for me to be a part of.” A single tear slipped down her cheek, and she brushed it away without looking up.

“Here,” Dr. Samson said, holding out a couple of tissues. “Kitty, have you talked with your parents? Written them, or phoned them since you found out?”

“No.” Her voice was small.

“I think you ought to. Talk with them about it – give them a chance to let you know what’s going on.”

“Isn’t it supposed to be there job to take care of me?” Kitty sniffled, wiping at her eyes. “It’s awfully selfish of me, but... I’m only fifteen. Why am I in charge of taking care of myself all the time?”

“There are people here you can talk to – me if no one else, although...” He let his voice trail off, and Kitty shook her head.

“Yeah, I have people who care for me here, I know. I mean, everyone’s so wonderful, and it’s not fair for me to be like this about it.”

“You’re hurt, and upset, and it’s perfectly understandable, Kitty. There’s no ‘fair’ about it. It’s just how you feel, and you’re allowed to feel, even bad feelings.”

Kitty sniffed again, nodding slightly.

“I’d suggest talking with your parents, and if you feel like it we can have another meeting, whenever you like.”

“I... I don’t know. Maybe.” Kitty was looking off to the side, biting her lip. “I... I need to think about it. Think about a lot of things.”

“That’s fine. If you ever want to meet with me again, the Professor knows how to get in touch with me. Kitty, you’re an intelligent young woman, and you’re brave, and clever, and caring. But you’re still a young woman, and you’re allowed to be young, and you’re allowed to be upset. You don’t have to hold everything bottled up inside you.”

“I know.”

“But you do it anyway.” It wasn’t really a question, but wasn’t an accusation by any stretch of the imagination.

Kitty nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

“Let these things out, at least occasionally Kitty. It’s no good to hold back all the bad feelings, because they just add up in the end.”

“I... yeah. I know,” she said. Standing up, Kitty reached out and shook the doctor’s hand. “Thank you,” she said.

“Any time, Kitty, really.”

***




Kitty slipped into the doctor’s temporary office looking more subdued than she had the last time he’d seen her. Her shoulders slumping, she said a quiet, “Hello,” before dropping into a chair.

“Hello, Kitty,” Dr. Samson said, looking at her a little worriedly. “I hear things have been even stranger than usual recently.”

“You could say that,” she said, a hint of bitterness in her voice.

“How would you say it?” he asked.

“Everything’s gotten all fucked up,” she answered.

“The potion?”

“Yeah,” was Kitty’s somewhat unresponsive response.

Dr. Samson sighed to himself, but all he said was, “I hear you were affected.”

“You could say that,” she said again, her shoulders dropping almost farther down.

“How would you say it?” he asked again, wondering how to start.

“I fucked up,” she whispered, then dropped her head onto her knees, shoulders shaking.

“I’ve read the reports, Kitty. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

“I... I...” A stuttering voice emerged from the girl. “Wan’talltemagc.”

“What was that?”

“It... What happened... it wasn’t all the magic.”

“What did happen?” he asked quietly, deciding to try and get her onto facts first.

“I... I fell in love with Doug, and I kissed him, and Jamie walked in on us,” she said, not looking up. “Doug threw me out, and I went looking for Jamie, only I couldn’t find him. I found Paige, and everything seemed to make sense for a little bit, and then... Then I went looking for Jamie again, only I couldn’t find him, and then I wasn’t in love with Doug anymore and I couldn’t... I’d done this thing, and I didn’t... I hadn’t... Kissing Doug was natural, and when I talked about it, with Paige, I... I thought I loved him for all the same reasons I loved Jamie... and I couldn’t feel where it was different, where the way I loved them was different, and one of them was real, but... if they weren’t different, then, then I don’t know what to do!” It ended as an almost hysterical wail, and Dr. Samson could tell Kitty was crying, but with her face hidden he couldn’t offer her a tissue or anything.

“Kitty, from what I understand, that’s how the magic was supposed to work. You wouldn’t be able to tell it wasn’t real love.”

“But... but what does that say about Jamie and I? What does that say about me? That real love and fake love are the same?”

“No, Kitty, they’re not. Having someone or something mess with your emotions is not the same as what you and Jamie have.”

“But...”

“Kitty,” he said, interrupting her. “I know you’re hurting, and upset, and very angry with yourself, but you have to recognize that this was not your fault.”

Kitty sniffled, a quiet, muffled sound that was neither an affirmative, nor, thankfully, a denial.

“Kitty,” his voice was firm. “Look at me, Kitty.” When she looked up, tears falling down her cheeks he handed her a few tissues and continued. “This is not your fault. You can not, and will not, be held responsible for things done under the effects of mind altering substances.”

“What if... what if it wasn’t... I... I could love Doug.” Her voice was a whisper. “If not for Jamie, if I hadn’t been in love with him, been with him... Doug’s a wonderful, nice guy. What if the potion only worked because I had feelings for him?”

“From what I know of the potion, that’s not how it worked. People were affected who had no interest in Doug whatsoever. Whether you do or do not feel anything for him had no baring on the potion.”

“Oh.” Her voice was still small and quiet, but she reached up to brush a few of the tears away. “But...”

“No, Kitty. This is not your fault. It’s not even your fault if you do feel something for him outside of the potion.”

“But...”

“No. There is nothing wrong with being able to recognize that other people than the one you love are lovable, or are attractive, or even to think that if you weren’t with Jamie that you could be with Doug. Would you normally act on those feelings?”

“No.”

“Had you ever entertained the idea of acting on them, of cheating on Jamie, before the potion?”

“No.” Her voice was stronger.

“Would you consider it now?”

“No!”

Dr. Samson smiled softly. “I promise you, Kitty, none of this was your fault.”

“But I...”

“No, Kitty. None of it.”

She looked down at the ground, her shoulders shaking again. “I... I hurt him so badly...”

“Jamie?”

She nodded fractionally. “He... the look in his eyes. He was so... I thought I’d lost him. I couldn’t find him anywhere, and he can always find me. He... God... I didn’t think he’d ever want to see me again, when the potion wore off and I realized what... what I’d done. And then he did, he came and found me, and he said he still loved me...” Her voice cracked, and the tissues were pushed across her eyes again.

“But?”

“But I’m so scared. My parents...” She trailed off, head dropping again. “I don’t want to lose him.”

“Kitty, have you talked with him about this?”

“No. No, he’s... he’s so busy, running around everywhere, and he’s always there for me when I need him, but... it’s like... He never needs me. I need him, and he’s there, but... but he doesn’t trust me to be there for him anymore. I messed up too big.”

“Kitty, talk to him. Don’t assume things. You and he aren’t your parents, and your not his parents. You two are simply yourselves. Tell him how you’re feeling, find out how he is feeling. It’s no good just being hurt, especially not all on your own.”

“I know, but...”

“But it hurts, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to say it won’t hurt, or that things will magically get better. I doubt you’d trust anything that happened ‘magically’ right now, anyways. But talking about things will never make them worse, I promise you.”

Kitty sniffed, nodding her head. “I... Yeah, I know. Thank you.”

“Would you like to meet again?” he asked, noting a couple of things down on his papers.

“I don’t... yeah. Yeah, I think I would.”

Dr. Samson smiled softly at the girl. “All right. Next week?”

“Yeah, that’d be good. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Kitty.”

Comments

[xp_daytripper]

*wry grin* Yay, another emotional wreckage to chalk up to my girl... *sighs* Man, you people are killing me here. ;)

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

Heh. It's not all Amanda's fault. Hell, Kit thinks it's mostly her own fault, if you really get down to it.

Re:

[xp_daytripper]

I know, which is what's killing me. Because all this stuff is suddenly exploding everywhere because of one little potion... *grins*

Re:

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

*grins back*

C'est la vie at Mutant High.

Re:

[x-crowdofone.livejournal.com]

Well, if it helps, *points down a few posts* Jamie learned! On his own, too, Samson didn't suggest that letter. I hadn't even considered it until he started drafting the darn thing. So yay, Amanda gets credit for making them confront and resolve a pretty big relationship issue!