xp_logs | Logan and Marie: We're of the Hollow Men

Logan and Marie meet for lunch (spurred by this call) and Logan finally asks the questions Marie's been waiting to answer.

Marie waited until Sarah had left the gym to enter as Logan was collecting his things. "Hey," she said in a subdued voice. She was dressed in her teaching clothes, looking too serious and too tense as she stood in the doorway, hands clasped in front of her.

Logan slung his sweatshirt over his shoulder and shoved his feet into his shoes. "Hey." He walked over to stand in front of her. "You okay?"

"No," she said honestly, looking a little apologetic. "Amanda's... some of it's a little close to the core, that's all."

He brushed his fingers over her cheek. "Wanna talk about it?"

"No," Marie said with a short laugh. "I want to be fine and go to lunch. But I don't think I can pull that off."

"Then let's talk about it. See if we c'n get y'to th'point where y'/can/ go t'lunch an' be fine."

Marie bit her lip and, unconsciously, the fingers of her right hand slid between her cuff and the top of her glove, rubbing at the inside of her wrist. "She has the most incredible scars," she said in an almost off-hand tone, moving to sit down on one of the benches by the door.

Logan wasn't sure how to respond to that. He could have apologised, because he'd taken away her scars, every time she'd cut them into her skin. He could have said a lot of things, most of them the wrong thing, and so instead, he sat down beside her and asked, "Does it hurt?"

"Wanting it hurts," she said quietly. "She talks about being a junkie. About needing to feel the power she's trying to give up. Talks about it like no one else knows what it's like. At least she's only got one person's craving to fight, right?" Her voice broke a little. "Me, I have a whole list to go through."

He'd wondered if it was like that, for her, but he'd never wanted to ask, for fear that her answer would be what she'd just said. "How bad is it, when We push like that, and you gotta deal with Our problems on toppa your own?

"Bad," she said simply. "Can you imagine what Erik would do to this place if he were me?" She shook her head and her gaze, focused on nothing at the center of the room, was hollow. "I've had junkies and rapists and hired killers and the like and they're all gone to ghosts and cravings and then there's the four of you...."

"Me an' Erik. Stanley. ...an' your first kiss. Cody?" He watched the side of her face, but would rather have been looking away. "Y'said...how much of what we are...how much of it sticks?"

"You are... who you are, who you were when it happened. Sometimes you answer when someone asks a question. Sometimes you react when someone moves. Usually I stop you but if I'm tired or if there's someone new, I slip. Like when I kept fighting with Cain. Erik really doesn't like him." She shook her head and her smile was almost affectionate. "In the morning, if I sleep too long, or at night if it takes too long to fall asleep, you seem to come to talk to me, and some of the ghosts come to whisper. They get lonely."

Logan had to remind himself that when she said 'you', she didn't mean just him. It wasn't all his fault. There were others, too. But. "An' if y'keep layerin' over, addin' t'the...th'person in your head...? Does that make it worse?"

"Yes and no," Marie said, with a small frown. "But it's you, so it's hard to say. You love me, so you don't push. Someone else might. It's easier in that... I know where I stop and you begin. Yes. It's better like that. I don't... touch... any of you, if I can help it. So it's hard to say. I keep you locked away as much as I can. But sometimes, if I'm frightened, I think I can feel you like you were standing behind me."

"All of us?"

"You, yes." She reached out with her left hand as though he were there. "And Erik." She gestured to her right and a little behind. Her eyes widened as she thought about it. "Cody and Stanley, they stay back, usually, unless it's very bad and sometimes Stanley panics, especially if there's fire, he's paranoid and terrified. But you. You and Erik. You always offer. Always... there, in case I falter. ...or at least that's how it feels. I could just be crazy, of course," she added sadly.

"I don't think you are." He was in there. Of course he'd stand behind her, offer to help, if she needed him. There was no doubt in his mind she was right about that. "Does it...do we..." Dammit. "Is it...do we...tempt you, somehow, with what y'could do? Is that...is that why Amanda's problem hits so close t'home?"

Marie nodded. "Always. It's the little things sometimes. Stanley's the worst for the little things. Chain smoker. Binge eater. Nail biter. Paranoid. God, he was such a filthy, obnoxious little shit." She shuddered. "But the hard stuff, the big stuff, yeah. It's... it would be so /easy/, you know?" She finally looked over at him. "So /simple/ to do it differently. And so /good/."

So good. He knew that feeling. The night the spooks invaded the mansion, he'd felt it. The dull ache of want had grown into a full-fledged burn. Killing them just made everything so much...simpler. "Is there a way t'make it...easier t'fight? Have y'found anythin' that helps?"

"Every little thing I do," she said with a little laugh, and shivered as she relaxed a fraction. "I kind of plan my life around it. Easier? It gets me through the day and I think, overall, I'm doing pretty well. The hard parts come when something gets triggered and everything else shakes loose and lately, the triggers come every day. It was easier when I never talked to anyone, or when I was chained to a bed in the medlab. It was just me then. But that's not how I want to live. I like life. It's just really hard."

The strongest person he knew. She had to work so hard for the simplest things and she did it without letting on what a huge toll it took on her. "I'm proud of you, y'know."

"It's... I want to say it's no big deal. There are moments when it's really not a big deal at all. But other times, like now, it's hard." Marie closed her eyes and hugged herself tightly. "I'm not strong, Logan. I'm just scared and trying to stay alive, like everyone else. I just want to live and if I slip too far, my body will be here but I'll be dead and gone and it'll go on hurting people. I won't let it do that, I'll die before I let that happen, and I don't want to die, so I keep trying."

Echoing her sentiment from the day before, Logan whispered, "I won't let y'turn into somethin' y'hate." He brushed his hand over her shoulder, hoping to offer some comfort.

"You promise?" She looked over at him, eyes dark and serious. "I asked Angelo, after the whole potion thing, because I didn't want to upset you, and because I knew he'd understand, and he said he'd see to it if I wasn't coming back. And I was afraid you might be first, if I slipped. If you're not, though, I'd feel better, knowing you would take care of things."

He knew what she was asking. He didn't like it, but he understood the necessity. "I promise." Anything she needed. Anything. Even that.

"I love you more than anything," she said quietly. "All of you."

"I love you, too." He brushed his fingers over her cheek again, his eyes on hers. "Not in spite of anythin' y'can do, or have done, but because of it. 'Cause it makes y'who you are."

"Don't let me go." Marie leaned in to rest her head on his shoulder. "I love my life with you." She was utterly exhausted and tears came suddenly, along with shivers from muscles held too tightly being unwound.

"Never again," he whispered, pulling her closer. "I love you too much." Lunch would have to wait.