Wade (Earl Montgomery) and Adrienne (Victoria Secret)

[x-adrienne.livejournal.com]

Two cowpokes have a showdown in the woods, and confusion reigns supreme.


After searching for what felt like hours, Earl - the man previously known as Wade - decided it was a futile effort, searching for his arch enemy, the blonde-haired vixen. She was here, at this party, but he couldn't find her. Every time he started looking, she'd disappear somewhere. A lasso and a pair of Smith & Wesson's best didn't really do a whole lot of good when you had nobody to hogtie and shoot.

Victoria Secret, roper and trick rider extraordinare, had saddled one of the farm's horses and set out to find her nemesis, the Smith and Wesson-toting outlaw. She had her lasso in hand, Colt pistol still in its holster, since she was a benevolent, non-violent bounty hunter whenever possible.

Tracking his trail, Victoria Secret spied her quarry at last and kicked her horse into a gallop. "Hey, pardner, freeze right there! Don't make me shoot you!" she called out angrily.

Earl grinned. Leave it to God to pull a fast one like that - let him give up, get to the end of his rope... and ring-a-ding-ding, there she was, riding out of the darkness... on his horse. Standing up, he loosened his lasso, pulling it off his belt and then pointed a finger at her. "Horse thieving barmaid!"

Since he was going for his lasso rather than his gun, Victoria Secret began to swing her own rope over her head and flung it out in her quarry's direction. "Cattle-rustling, yella-bellied cocksucker!" Damn, she missed with the lasso! And now his was coming towards her!

Swinging his own lasso up, over his head, Earl twirled it around and around as he walked toward her. "You've a mouth on you that'd make Jesus weep, Ellie Mae McKettrick," he hollared. "And ain't nobody allowed to make Jesus cry." With that, he tossed the rope, watched the loop sail over the horses's head, and land smack dab around the animal's neck - right where it was supposed to be. "Now try getting away with my horse, thief."

"I ain't Ellie Mae McKettrick, y'crazy cocksucker, and I ain't stealin' yer horse, this here's mine," Adrienne answered angrily, swinging down off the horse and cocking her Colt at the man. "It's you what been stealin' cattle off ol'Rutherford's farm, and I done been hired t' collect the bounty on yer fuckin' hide!"

"When I catch you," Earl said, whipping his Smith and Wessons from their holsters after dropping the rope, "I'm gonna wash your mouth out with good ole' lye soap." And then he pulled the trigger - aiming at her foot, since he figured he probably wouldn't kill her if he hit her there. Only... nothing happened. The gun clicked and clicked, but not a single bullet went anywhere. There wasn't even the smell of gun powder. "What in the sam hell?"

Taking advantage of his momentary confusion, Victoria Secret moved in close and, still hoping she wouldn't have to use her own gun on him, flipped it butt-first and pistol whipped him upside the head. Except the impact didn't have produce heavy, satisfying whacking noise it was supposed to, it just made a sort of dull clattering. She didn't knock him down, and now she was close enough for him to reach her.

Dropping his guns, Earl reached down and circled his hands around Ellie Mae's waist, then hauled her up, over his shoulder. "That hurt, Ellie Mae. That hurt and I really thought you had a better arm on you than that..." He trailed off as he turned and headed for his horse. "What happened to us, Ellie? I know you weren't real happy when your pa said as we were getting hitched, but that's no call for going and starting a life of thievery."

"What the fuck you talkin' about, crazy cocksucker?!" Victoria Secret cried out, beating him about the head with her pistol. "I told'ja, I ain't no damn Ellie Mae and we damn well ain't gettin' hitched! I'm Victoria Secret! You soft in the head, pardner?"

"Well I'm not sure I wanna marry you now, leastwise not in front of my mamma and God," Earl said, smacking a hand over Ellie Mae's backside to keep her from sliding off as she flailed around.

Victoria Secret let her arms hang down and in one swift motion, slipped a hand into the waistband of her kidnapper's jeans and yanked them upwards, to give him a wedgie and find out who he was. "Hey! Calvin Klein! Put me the fuck down, you fucking cocksucker! I ain't marrying anyone!"

"Name's Earl, sweetheart," Earl said, patting her backside just for good measure. "Don't know who this Calvin Klein fella is, but if you've done broke our engagement vows already, and I don't see no reason you shouldn't've, considering all the thieving and everything, looks like I'm gonna have to kill him. To protect your honor and the like. Not that you're helping me out much with that, mind. Damned inconvenient, this being engaged mess."

Becoming frustrated with the whole 'being picked up and carried off' thing, Victoria Secret let herself go limp, then wound up and gave him a massive jab in the stomach with a leg, wrenched herself sideways, and bit one of his arms in an attempt to have herself dropped.

"Mother of Christ Almighty," Earl hollered, clamping his arm around Ellie's knees to keep her from moving again and wrenching his other arm away from her. "Woman, you are about three seconds away from getting handed over to the Apaches, you hear me? They don't take too kindly to white women with attitudes, y'hear?"

"Gimme to them and I'll kill all those cocksucking dirt worshippers and I'll fucking kill you if you don't fucking put me down, cocksucker!" Victoria Secret screamed, kicking her legs wildly and squirming like a snake.

Earl wasn't usually one for hitting ladies, but he way Ellie Mae was acting, she didn't seem like much of a lady, so he smacked her backside. "Settle down there, Ellie. I'm gonna take you back to town so's your pa can see you and your ma can get you a dress so you look all proper like when the sheriff comes to get you. That's that - no fighting and yelling's gonna get you outta this - you made your bed of sin and thievery, you're gonna have to lay in it. Alone. I don't think as I'll be marrying you, since that tongue of yours could carve up even the devil's heart and it's made of harder stuff than mine."

Victoria Secret still had her lasso, which she just remembered, and in a swift motion tugged it free from her belt, reached up, and looped the end around this Earl fellow's neck, yanking it tight to choke him. "Can't marry no one if yer dead, cocksucker!" she cried out angrily.

She was a feisty little thing, that was for sure. Earl couldn't decide whether that added or detracted from her appeal. She had a good hold on the rope, but he was stronger than she was and, ultimately, managed to get the loop off before it turned into some kind of bizarre noose. By that point, of course, he'd reached his horse where his own lasso still hung from the animal's neck.

Tossing Ellie Mae over the saddle horn just because he could, it took him a minute to wrangle the rope, but then he had his ex-fiance strapped to the horse and he nodded firmly to himself. "Now look. I'm gonna carry you home like this, but I swear..." He trailed off because... because... Ellie Mae's hat had fallen off and, with it, her hair. "What the blazes have you done to your hair, Ellie?"

Victoria Secret took advantage of Earl's confusion to wriggle her wrists out of their bindings (which were really shitty- didn't he know anything about hogtying?) and with use of her hands was able to untie herself and slip over the other side of the horse. She picked up her hat but left the blonde hair on the ground, and then patted her skull to reassure herself that she still had hair. "It's a wig. Now will ya believe me that I ain't no fuckin' Ellie Mae?" she asked, skipping out of his reach and putting a few trees between them.

"Well," Earl said, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I guess so. What kind of a last name is 'secret,' though? And what were you doing with my horse? And where's Ellie, if you ain't her?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Victoria Secret retorted, exasperated. "I still think you're soft in the head, cocksucker, and you made up some crazy fucking story about this girl Ellie Mae. And it's my name, that's what it is, so shut the fuck up!"

Frowning, Earl shook his head a little. "Why're you so... hostile? Taking the Lord's name in vain, cursing like to make a sailor blush." But she had pretty hair. Earl could see that.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Her voice wasn't hostile, it was curious! "I'm not fucking hostile. It's just the way I am." She squinted at the incredibly strange man. "What the fuck's your problem?" Taking the... what? When had she ever been in a church? And what did anything have to do with sailors? She spoke like everyone else she knew! "Yer from the east, aren't'cha? Some greenhorn doctor or stock trader playin' cowboy?"

"Every other word outta your mouth's a swear and half the time you're saying 'fuck' or 'cocksucker' and that's just not Christian talk," Earl said, shaking a finger at her. With the wig off, it was fairly obvious to him that this wasn't his Ellie Mae and... he could only be happy for it, he supposed, since it meant he was still getting married, as she wasn't a horse thieving outlaw sentenced to hang. "And I ain't no greenhorn doctor," he said, frowning more intensely now. "Ain't never been east. I ride and shoot as well as anybody you'll meet. So if'n you're not my Ellie, you can just get on. And leave my horse." He took a possessive hold on the lasso still around the horse's neck.

Victoria Secret put her hands on her hips and frowned at him. "Yer a preacher, ain't'cha? Yer tryin' t'settle down on the frontier with a woman and a plot of land and provide salvation to those what need it, ain't'cha? Exceptin' ye got no money fer land or yer woman and savin' mens' souls don't pay in this lifetime so ye turned t'cattle thievin!"

"Cattle thieving?" Earl shook his head. "Woman, you'd lost your damn mind. I got a ranch with enough head a cattle on it and good farmland to make any man happy for the whole of his lifetime and then some."

The woman kept on frowning. "What the fuck y' talking about?" She tried to think this thing through out loud. "You think I'm some girl named Ellie Mae, but I ain't, so... 'that mean I think yer someone yer not too?"

"Well," Earl said, frowning right back. "Sure's the sun rises in the east, my name ain't Calvin Klein."