xp_logs | Doug and Jubilee (backdate)

Backdated to the 13th. Probably at least part of the reason Jubilee was all "FML" on her journal. Awkwardness with a side of painful.

Jubilee popped the door open to Doug's server room and drifted inside, taking a seat on what had been her normal seat before they'd broken up and things got too awkward for her to hang around regularly. If Genosha had taught her anything, it was that things were too damn fragile to allow shit to go unsaid, even if the very act of speaking had been taken away from her for so long.

"Dude," she said, pulling her legs into cross legged position on the chair. "So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how awkward would it be to know more then one ex-girlfriend got a bit of a peek inside your head?"

Doug was used to Jubilee's directness, her tendency to drive straight to the point. He just didn't always like it when that point was skewering him. He managed to stifle a groan, but the result made his expression look a bit constipated as he swallowed the audible reaction down. His eyes settled somewhere just above Jubilee's forehead, close enough to be difficult for someone to notice that he couldn't meet her eyes. "How about nine-point-hoping-that-hadn't-happened?" He'd tried to draw back within the link with Emma, let her be the dominant mind giving directions. Obviously he hadn't succeeded as well as he'd hoped.

"Good, so talking about it won't be any worse," Jubilee replied, giving him an assessing look. "You always hated yourself that much, Dude? Or was it a special occasion?"

Doug's eyes narrowed. That was a bit on the nose. So he went with equally abrupt, and a side of prickly and defensive. "I'm not sure why that's any of your concern anymore," he said flatly.

"No, don't suppose it is," she replied, waiting for him to meet her eyes but shrugging when he wouldn't. "Does explain a few things though, so I was curious."

And dammit, the 'explain a few things' line of hers had -him- curious. And Doug recognized the trap inherent in asking her to amplify on her comments. Because then he'd have no ground to stand on with his own preference to avoid talking about things. Dammit. "Care to elaborate?" he asked despite himself.

"Why we never worked out," Jubilee replied, her lips quirking upwards in a smile that wasn't entirely pleasant. They both knew how to play this game, even if she hadnt specifically wanted that, or deliberately set out for it. "You were pretty eager when it started, then you freaked when it looked like I really felt something. You feeling like you're useless, like you don't matter, it's a great reason to never actually care. Cause, you know, if you ever were actually happy, you might stop hating yourself and then you wouldn't be safe anymore."

She didn't say any of it to only hurt him, although it might have soothed some of her own lingering anger. She wasn't even sure if she was right, it just felt right and so she did what she'd always done, and didn't hold back.

It certainly was hurting Doug. His chest felt tight, and short of breath at all the things Jubilee was saying. It was like a verbal knife twisting in his belly, and no matter which way he turned, it dug deeper. "Go away, Jubilee," he said dully, trying to will her to just walk away the way she had when they'd broken up. Anything just so long as she stopped.

"Not this time," she replied, getting up from her chair before moving across to where he sat. "Just how long since we got back have you been having panic attacks, dude?"

She reached out for his hand as she spoke, kneeling to get a better look at his face. She'd had panic attacks before, if this was truly one and not a front, she'd try to help him through it.

"I'm not having a panic attack, Jubes." Doug sighed. That was the truth, as far as it went. He was just intensely tired, and Jubilee's dogged pressing of him hadn't helped that exhaustion. At least she'd shifted to concern, but the wounds were too raw for him to reach out to her in return.

Colour touched Jubilee's cheeks as she jerked her hand away, glaring at him for a moment before standing to move away.

"Have you seen Sofia at all yet?"

Fabulous. Another bridge burned. Doug's eyes fell away from Jubilee's in an attempt to hide the sadness at ruining yet another friendship. See the pattern. And the thing they all had in common was him.

"No."

"Why the hell not?" Jubilee asked, her glare intensifying. She could understand damage, she could understand feeling exhausted but she couldn't understand wallowing in it and if Doug thought she'd let him get away with it, he was sorely mistaken. "You're a fucking adult, dude. Act like one and deal with your shit."

"I don't see how that's any of your concern either." Doug's eyes narrowed. "You don't get to just come in here and push me around and tell me what to do anymore, Jubilee." It was all too raw, still. "You told me to let you go. So go."

Jubilee sat down, arms folding in classic stubborn 'I shall not be moved' pose. "Only the concern of a friend, Doug."

She still counted herself that, even if underneath there was still anger and pain to be worked through and resolved. How could she do that though when he refused to deal with anything? When he constantly hid from feelings, ran away from everything and blamed himself, even before she did.

It exhausted her, this inability to fix things. She hated the awkwardness, and sometimes she wanted to rip him to bits just to see what was underneath all that bullshit, to see if he'd finally be honest if she hurt him enough.

She was not exactly the poster child for functional, but at least she was still trying.

"Is giving up really so much easier?" she asked.

He wasn't sure what was 'easier' anymore. Nothing was easy for Doug these days. But at least giving up and turning away meant that he didn't have others tearing away at him. So he turned away and looked back at his monitors. He could be stubborn too.

Jubilee shrugged, pulled out her phone and started texting. She didn't have to actually be anywhere for hours yet, she was totally willing to spend that much time trying to wait him out.