Post-Memorial service

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

x_cyclops: *Sitting quietly in the garden where the memorial service was held, staring at one particular rose.*
x_cyclops: *staring at rose, though it's hard to tell through the visor*
x_dazzler: *walks back towards the garden, having changed since the memorial, and stops as she realizes Scott is still there even though it's been an hour now since everyone else has returned to the mansion.* Oh - I'm sorry... *she points over her shoulder* I can go back...
x_cyclops: *looks up* "No, it's all right."
x_cyclops: *pauses* "Thank you for singing."
x_cyclops: "Jean would have liked it. I liked it." *sort of smiles*
x_dazzler: *blinks and isn't sure if she should smile or not, but can't help smiling a bit at the compliment, despite the situation* "Thank you. I... I'm glad I could do that, at least." *she takes a few steps into the clearing, looking around and taking in the sight of the roses, now that there isn't a crowd of people there. She continues, a bit hesitantly.* "Terry said this was her part of the garden?"
x_cyclops: "Yes." *stands up* "She liked the feel of working her hands in the dirt, or so she said."
x_cyclops: *walks over to one of the rosebushes, strokes a petal* "I think she liked getting up to her elbows in something that wasn't always bloody."
x_cyclops: *looks at Allison* "She was a doctor, too."
x_dazzler: *Allison stares for a moment, then nods.* "I didn't know that. I - I only saw her a few times, since I arrived here." *She pauses, unsure how to continue or what to say.* "She made me feel welcome. After all the touring..." *she trails off, at a loss*
x_cyclops: "It's okay." *hand twitches like he was going to do something but stopped himself* "You didn't have a lot of time, I don't...no one expects..." *also trails off*
x_cyclops: "But you'll have time now. I suggest you don't let it pass."
x_cyclops: *breaks off a long stemmed just-budding rose, complete with thorns, and hands it to Allison*
x_dazzler: "I like people." *she accepts the rose, thorns and all.* "It scares me to care for them sometimes, but I can't think of not doing that, you know? Not wanting to know them. I'd rather take the risk than just wither away alone." *she looks down at the rose, surprised at herself for telling him something she's rarely told anyone, but tells herself it probably has to do with the day's events.*
x_cyclops: *that gets a real smile* "That's good. We need 'people people' here. In case you didn't notice, we don't have a lot of your type here."
x_cyclops: "I mean, it's understandable. For a lot of them, their mutant abilities made them outcasts."
x_dazzler: *faintly bitter look* "Yes. I know." *she looks down at the rose and when she looks up again, any trace of bitterness has disappeared* "I've seen how some people reacted to Hank, when I first met him - the image inducer malfunctioned a lot more back then. It was-" *she shakes her head* "I hated the look it put in his eyes. Hated seeing him like that."
x_cyclops: *looks at her, considering, curious* "How long have you know Hank?"
x_dazzler: *blinks and then gives him a crooked grin* "A few years. We met right after my first album hit the charts. Long story." *she shrugs casually, though there's a noticeably fond look in her eyes as she thinks of it* "He was... something else. I'm lucky to have him as a friend." *she nods firmly, still smiling faintly*
x_cyclops: "We all are. He's a great man. You'll have to tell me that long story some day."
x_cyclops: *makes effort to change topic, takes a breath and lets it out* "I'm glad you were able to help with the kids."
x_dazzler: *her smile fades instantly, and she looks almost guilty* "I wasn't even there." *she looks downright miserable for a moment. "I was out clubbing. I only got there once they were already all at the hotel. Sam and Peter and Warren did all the real work. And then Emma and Betsy, after they got there."
x_cyclops: *shakes his head* "No, you *were* there. You helped. It may seem insignificant, but it does matter, to me and to the kids."
x_cyclops: "And to all the staff."
x_cyclops: *mouth tightens, looks pissed for a moment, then just frowns*
x_cyclops: "If you had been here, you might have helped, you might have gotten captured."
x_cyclops: "The important thing is that you were there, when you were needed. Don't think otherwise, Allison."
x_cyclops: *touches her arm*
x_dazzler: *blinks and stares in surprise* "I... thank you." *is not sure she can believe his words yet, but it does feel good to hear that from him since he is the team leader*
x_dazzler: *belatedly realizes how Scott must be feeling about the whole thing, considering where he was while school was invaded* "I... I might not be the person you'd want to talk about this, I mean, we barely know each other but - will you be ok?" *she finishes the sentence with a pained look, berating herself for how lame she must be sounding*
x_cyclops: *tight smile* "I'll be fine. I should talk to Kurt at some point, since we had similar experiences." *manages not to wince*
x_cyclops: *sits back down* "I just can't help but think it was my fault."
x_cyclops: *looks up* "Jean's death, I mean."
x_dazzler: *stares at him for a moment, then sits down next to him slowly* "The Professor said it was a choice she'd made." *she speaks carefully, looking at him for some signals as to what he's thinking, based on body language since she can't directly look at his eyes*
x_cyclops: "Yes, because her powers had been out of control. The museum..." *looks down at his hands, held loosely between his knees*
x_cyclops: "She caused the electronic equipment at the museum to ... go crazy. She left the jet because she thought she had shut it down. I'm sure of it."
x_cyclops: "I tried to get her to talk to the Professor about it."
x_cyclops: *shakes his head, and goes quiet*
x_dazzler: *curls up her legs, wrapping her arms around her knees, still holding the rose carefully* "But didn't you say that she took control of the jet, before lifting it off? *she tilts her head, realizing this isn't about rational explanations* "And even if she thought that..." *she pauses , searching for the right words and wincing at there being only one way to say this* "...do you think, no matter why she'd done what she did - would she want you to blame yourself for it?" *she reaches out, placing a hand on his shoulder*
x_cyclops: "She lifted it up with her telekinesis." *doesn't shrug off the hand*
x_cyclops: "I'm sorry, Allison. I'm full of 'what if's' tonight."
x_cyclops: *wipes his face with his hand* "And I know I shouldn't blame myself, not over much. But this was *Jean*. The woman I love...loved."
x_dazzler: *desperately hope she manages this right, and forges on* "Scott... What would she want you to do? Loving you as she did, as she must have, to make that choice - what would she want you to do now? What would she want for you?"
x_cyclops: *pauses, then laughs, a short, sharp bark*
x_cyclops: "She'd tell me it's been long enough, and to stop feeling guilty."
x_cyclops: "I'm trying. I really *am*. I know most people don't think that, but I am. It's just so damned *hard.*"
x_cyclops: "She's not there when I wake up in the morning, or when I go to sleep." *stands and spins about*
x_cyclops: "And it's not that I'm lonely and want someone, anyone, to be there. I want *her* back. And it's not going to happen. And I'm dealing."
x_cyclops: *half-smiles* "Just not really well." *runs his hand through his hair* "And I'm trying not to take it out on others. I don't think I succeeded with John, though."
x_cyclops: *surreptitiously wipes eyes underneath sunglasses*
x_dazzler: *gives him a sympathetic look, managing rather well to hide the desire to cry from seeing the emotions running across his face as he spoke* "I don't even know how I'd begin to deal with something like that. It's not something you can just 'deal' with. I guess - you learn to live with it. Day by day." *she pauses, and gets up* "You just have to give yourself the chance to do that. And to mourn and grieve properly, first." *she reaches up and cradles his cheek, giving him a somber look* "It'll break you otherwise. And I'm pretty sure that's the very last thing she'd want."
x_cyclops: "No, I don't want to be broken." *takes her hand from her cheek into his, squeezing it* "I don't have the time. There's too much to do, too much that depends on me. I've let it all go past me long enough."
x_cyclops: *squeezes again, then lets go* "Thank you, Allison. For everything."
x_cyclops: *leans forward and starts to kiss her on the forehead, the changes his mind and kisses her on the cheek*
x_dazzler: *impulsively leans in and hugs him briefly, and answers simply* "You're welcome."
x_cyclops: *returns the hug, a bit awkwardly but sincerely* "Well, I need to head out to pick up a new student. Should be back tonight though, provided everything goes well." *heads toward mansion to change*
x_dazzler: *follows*

[edited to add an ending, since it didn't really have one. No real change to the log.]