Dori & Kurt: The Things we Keep to Ourselves

[x-squirrel.livejournal.com]

Kurt tries to coax Dori into talking about what she went through in Genosha with mixed results.

Dori had one earbud for her iPod in, dancing a bit to the music as she worked on the sandwich that Monkey Joe was eyeing. Since she had gotten back from California with Kyle, she had spent most of her time playing games, working or being alone with Kyle. All of them were great ways not to think about all the time she spent in a cage, as disjointed as the memories were they were there. Because of it, she had cut her hair and though it looked a lot better now she had it styled, it was still a pretty vivid reminder.

Dori cut the PBJ in half while Felicia Day warbled in one earphone. She handed one half of it to MJ who started on it right away.

"Now, remember, in exchange for this you HAVE to stop jumping on the keyboard. You're not helping me," Dori said simply.

There was a knock at the open kitchen door, presumably just to attract her attention, and when she looked around Kurt smiled at her from just inside the room. "Hello, Doreen. How are you today?"

"Hey, Mr. Sefton," Doreen said, as Monkey Joe started pigging out on his half of the sandwich, "I'm doing okay. How're you?" she asked. Right now, she was all smiles because, well, everyone else had gone through a lot more than she had so it was better to just check on everyone else, really.

"Not so bad now", he assured her. "The time away did help, as it turned out. And yours? It sounded like you had a good time."

"We had a great time," Dori said, "Kyle's feet and hands are bigger than Harrison Ford's," she noted happily.

Kurt laughed. "Ah, yes, you did say you had gone to the place with the stars. That is indeed something to boast of."

"When I was growing up in L.A. I spent so much time there, at Mann's," Dori said, "It was fun to go back, but this is more like home now, you know?"

"It does happen that way", he agreed. "When I was young, I never thought I would be in one place for so long."

"I wonder what it'd be like to wander around like that," Dori said, nibbling on her sandwich when Monkey Joe was stuffing his face and trying to reach for her half, "But yeah, we had fun. Kyle showed me around where he was from too."

"I cannot really compare it to a settled childhood." He shrugged. "It was what I was used to. I am glad you had fun, everyone has needed it."

"Yeah," Dori said, "Kyle seemed to relax a bit, so I'm glad," she said with a smile. Her concern was more for him.

"And you?" He tilted his head at her, gently curious. "Were you able to relax at all?"

"Um, yeah," Dori said after a moment around a bit of PBJ, "Sure." It wasn't totally a lie. When alone with Kyle they generally weren't thinking about much of anything and she was really, really good at putting on a happy face for her family so they weren't worried about it either.

"Dori." Kurt looked at her steadily, unconvinced. "It is just you and me in this room, you do not have to pretend."

"Oh, I'm fine, I swear," Dori said too quickly, "It's MJ I'm worried about. I think he was binge eating while we were gone because he gained like a ton of weight which really isn't healthy for a squirrel his age in the middle of summer, you know?" she said, while the squirrel gave her A Look.

"Worrying about everyone else is a very good distraction tactic", he said gently. "But Doreen, I know what happened to you."

"Nothing happened to me," Dori said, "Not when you think about what happened to some of the other people," Dori said.

"Forget about what happened to the other people." He reached out and took her arm, steering her to the table, and firmly closed the kitchen door. "There is no one else to be worried about right here, right now. Something did happen to you."

Dori shifted a bit, her tail frizzed out a bit as she looked down at the sandwich, "It... I don't know," she said. It didn't seem as bad as what everyone else had gone through so it hadn't really seemed worth mentioning.

"I know where they found you", he said quietly. "And what condition you were in when they did."

"I... don't remember all of it," Dori said after a long moment. It had all sort of blurred together, as it tended to when she lost it like that. She didn't think she was going to lose it again. But she had.

Kurt nodded his understanding. "Somewhat to be expected, I think, and does not mean it is not upsetting for you now."

Dori shook her head, trying to smile, "No, it's okay, really. I mean everyone came and got me and I'm fine. Just had to cut my hair but even that didn't turn out so bad, right?"

"Your hair looks nice", he agreed patiently. "But you must realise that you can pretend and pretend you are fine, and that will even work for a time, but you cannot do it forever. Believe me, I have tried."

"I... I mean, Yvette, Callie, Sarah and Amara all had something so much worse happen to them," Dori pointed out. And she hoped they weren't offended with the fact that she had to cut her hair, albeit for a very different reasons.

"Again, what happened to others is not the point. You can be concerned for them, of course you can, as their friend, and you do not have to talk to them about it, but denying that anything at all happened to you even when they are not in earshot helps no one, my dear."

Dori looked down at the counter, "...I don't... I mean... it's... really hard to, I guess, I mean... when it happens, it's really...."

"Like you are not yourself?" he prompted gently.

"Yeah," Dori said. How did you explain it feeling like you had an animal living inside of you and ready to come out. It hadn't happened in so long that she had felt safe, and now... "It hasn't happened in like forever," she managed.

"Trauma and fear can often bring out reactions from the more instinctive side of ourselves", Kurt pointed out. "It is not something to blame yourself for."

"It's not like that, if it was just that I think it'd be easier to deal with," Dori returned.

"Then what?" he asked quietly.

"It's like... there's an animal inside... and when it gets out you don't think and you don't control anything it does," Dori said quietly, "And you wonder, you know, if it's always there..."

"And perhaps it is", was the soft response. "Perhaps part of having a feral mutation is learning to live with that. But just because it is always there does not mean it is all you are."

"You don't know what it's like," Dori started, "when it takes over. What little you remember is like a part of you watching you do stuff."

Kurt gave her a sad half-smile at that. "It is true that I am not a feral, but I do understand that. One day I will tell you about William Stryker, but that is not for now. Go on."

"I... remember some of them throwing things at me," Dori said distantly, "And laughing..." and stating she wasn't human.

"They were brutal people who had no right to do that, whatever your mental state", he said flatly. "I am so sorry they only made things worse."

"Yeah," Dori said simply, "It's... I don't know. Maybe it'd be better if I didn't remember anything," or if she never came out of it. There was something about not having to think at all.

"Perhaps", was the guarded response. "Although not remembering what you may or may not have done brings problems of its own."

"Anything would be better than the blanks," Dori mused, "Or not having to deal with it at all." Everyone else was so lucky in that respect.

"Have you talked to Kyle about this at all?" he asked gently. "I think you would find he understands."

"I really don't want to worry him about it," Dori said simply, carefully, "I mean, there's been so much going on."

"There has", Kurt agreed, "but things are much calmer now, and I think he would want to know, yes?"

"I guess..." was all Dori could say.

"Besides, honesty matters", he told her quietly. "I understand you are not keeping this to yourself just for the sake of it, that you did not want to put it on him, but Kyle is clever enough to know you are keeping something back."

"Yeah, I'll talk to him," she said quietly, because he might know. But when they were alone right now they weren't doing much in the way of talking. But at least between rounds they were getting somewhat decent rest.

"Good." He reached over and squeezed her hand. "And if you need or want any help raising the subject, I know it is not easy for you... you can always come to me."

"I know, Mr. Sefton," Dori said, she couldn't exactly put on a smile, "Thank you."