Log: Matt & Amanda

[x-daredevil.livejournal.com]

Amanda comes over to visit Matt and bring him some books and things since he can't leave the grounds. She finds something unexpected.



Matt had overslept and forgotten that Amanda was going to come over and hang out. He liked being with the older woman, she understood things. That was important. Therefore, when the knock came on the suite door, he almost missed it before belatedly realizing that he was the only one still in the suite. He had to get the door.

Opening it wearing nothing more than his boxers and some stubble, Matt was at least relieved that it was Amanda's scent and heartbeat. "Hey, sorry," he muttered, not quite awake yet as he opened the door to let her in. "Overslept."

"Already in summer vacation mode are we?" Amanda asked with a grin as she followed him in. His state of undress didn't bother her - when you grew up being involved in sky clad rituals, the whole modesty thing tended to be a non-issue. "I brought some supplies for the prisoner - music and some audio books and stuff."

"Cool," Matt grabbed some clothes and disappeared into his bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Amanda shrugged and moved over to the desk to lay down her bookbag full of goodies. Only she saw something that had her stop in mid-movement - a small Ziploc baggie with two or three pills in it. Small white pills that could have been aspirins, save for the happy faces stamped on their surface. Amanda had more than a passing acquaintance with Ecstasy, having been quite the club rat in her time and she knew as soon as she saw then that Matt had fallen off the wagon. In a big way. She picked up the bag and was turning it over in her hands meditatively as the bathroom door opened again.

"So what books?" Matt asked, emerging a few minutes later dressed in a pair of jeans and a tshirt. He smiled as one hand glided over his night table to get his sunglasses, watch, and skirted other things he carried in his pockets. "Anyways, being stuck here isn't so bad. I've got summer school to keep me out of trouble.

Amanda sighed. "Matt," she said quietly. "I found the pills."


Annnd he was in trouble. Tensing, Matt turned to face Amanda, doing some mental math. He should have had three whole pills left since he had been cutting them and taking them slowly, rationing them out carefully. Where had he left them though? On the desk, he remembered now. Out of his sight, not out of anyone else's. Shitfuck. "Okay," he stated, trying to get his voice to remain level and calm. Now what? Denial was not going to work.

"How long have you been taking them?" the witch asked, sitting down on his desk chair. "And how many have you been using?"

Thinking, Matt sat on his unmade bed and tapped his fingers against his pants, "A month?" he finally hazarded, "Maybe a little less? And uh..." more finger tapping as he did the math, "half a pill every few days. I've been careful. Really." Not that she would see it that way, he was sure.

"And where'd you get the E?" Amanda's tone was still quiet, sounding worried more than anything.


"I know a guy," he answered vaguely. Like he was going to tell her his source? Please! "Not on campus," he finally added, not mentioning that the guy had gotten him some more just a week earlier, coming up to Westchester.

"And now the hundred dollar question, tho' I think I know the answer." Amanda's expression was sympathetic, despite Matt's evasion as to his source. "Why? You were doing pretty well with the rehabbing thing. What made you backslide this badly?"


Taking a couple deep breaths, Matt tried to act like he didn't care, that whatever happened was fine. The truth was that he was terrified of being kicked out, of his social worker pulling him and ending up in juvie again and just...everything going back to crap. Leaning forward, he unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself. That Amanda hadn't immediately gone yelling for Dr. Grey or the Professor or something was a plus, right? Maybe he could explain and talk her out of it?

"Genosha," he finally whispered. What did he have to lose by telling the truth? He was screwed regardless, "Nightmares. And just...everything. People tried to turn me into a monster. Tried to kill me, Wade killed people right there next to me," Matt began to breathe harder as he spoke, "Out in the jungles, I've never been out like that. It was, it was...." was it better or worse that he couldn't see what had really been going on? "I tried to get over it, went to confession and mass, tried to be strong and remember my steps, but..." his voice cracked pathetically and he kicked himself mentally, "it makes me feel better."

Scooting the chair closer, Amanda laid her hand on his shoulder. "Breathe, Matt. You fucked up royally here, but I think you know that. And now what we do is focus on how to help you deal with things." She remembered Pete and Moira saying pretty much the same things to her. "'M gunna have to tell the X geezer about this, but only because I want to make sure people know you need help. I'm not always around and I don't want to let you down again."


"No!" he pushed her hand off, "You can't tell!" there was a real panic in Matt's voice now. He'd been trying to repress it, "If you do, he'll tell my social worker and I'll end up back in juvie! I swear, I'll stop taking them! I promise! But I don't want to leave here!"

"Matt, calm down!" There was real authority in Amanda's voice, something people didn't hear often from the Brit. She grabbed him firmly - but not painfully - by both shoulders. "Listen to me. You won't have to leave here. I promise that, okay? The Professor has forgiven people a huge amount more with even less provocation than you had. Fuck, everyone's fucked up from Genosha in one way or another and no-one's been kicked out yet. But you need help. You can't do this alone and you shouldn't have to."


"I know the steps! I've been through rehab! I can do it just fine," he insisted, trying to get Amanda to understand. "Everyone's fucked up. I can't...I can't ask them to help and make it worse for them!" he gestured vaguely out the door to the rest of the school. "I can do it on my own!"

"Matt, I get it. I really do. Because I've been there. I relapsed, didn't want anyone to know and made a right mess of myself." She loosened her grip on him, but kept talking, trying to make him understand. "You can't do this alone. You're getting high on E for fuck's sake, that's not coping that's backsliding. Next you'll be stealing people's shite to buy your next fix 'cause you've run out of money of your own. And there are people who can and will help - if I have to, I'll get you into my bloody program. But you have to get help now, before things spiral out of control and you do something really stupid that gets someone hurt."

Part of him recognized what she was saying. Part of him just didn't care. This was basically how he had ended up in rehab the first time anyways. "I want..." he trailed off, voice breaking again. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't. He held Amanda tightly instead, "I don't want to leave here," he finally muttered, petulantly.

"You won't." Amanda firmly believed that - her own example had been enough to convince her that Charles wouldn't allow Matt to leave, not at this point. "I'll make sure that doesn't happen, even if I have to drink a gallon of tea with the Prof."

Matt wanted to make her promise, but he didn't. Enough promises had been broken enough times for him not to insist on that like a child. "I don't want you to tell," he repeated, knowing it was futile. "I hate being an addict."

"Me too, mate. Me too." She squeezed his shoulders gently. "And I know you want to do this on your own and not bother anyone, but that's why we have people. To lean on when we need to."

He shook his head, "They all leave or screw you over."

"Everybody leaves." Amanda's expression turned sad. "That's what I used to tell myself back when I was in your shoes. I'd get attached to someone and they'd take off." Or have kids of their own, she added mentally, thinking of her talk with Wanda. "But eventually, you find people who don't. It gets better."

He didn't like it. "I'm tired of waiting. And wondering when it's going to happen next. At the worst possible time, usually."

"Murphy is a bit of a bastard that way," Amanda agreed. "Likes to hit us when we're down. The only thing to do is to sack up and hit back. Life doesn't owe us any favors, so it's up to us to make shit happen." She patted his shoulder, feeling the tension in his arm. "Let's get this over and done with, okay? No point putting it off. Just remember, I'm on your side, even if it doesn't seem like it right now."

Sniffling snottily, Matt wiped his face with his arm. "I hate you," he stated, but there was no venom in his words.