Log: Matt & Scott (Backdated)

[x-daredevil.livejournal.com]

The first day of withdrawal sucks and Matt's miserable and hating on everything, but mostly himself. Scott comes to drag him outside.



Miserable and depressed, Matt sat in his dark bedroom flipping and folding his cane. It was the only noise other than the faint white noise of the air purifier. He wanted a pill. One tiny little pill. Not even a whole one. Just a part would work. Flip. Fold. Breathe addict. He hated Amanda for telling on him. He hated himself for getting caught. For getting to this point. Again.

Addict. Flip. Fold.

He tossed his cane at the wall as hard as he could. The sound proofing panels dulled the hit. He screamed even though it didn't matter.

Addict.

Scott knocked on the door to Matt's suite, he had heard about Matt's pills from the Professor. Scott's first reaction was to find Matt and yell at him, ask him what he had been thinking, he had even stood up and was almost out of the door before he caught sight of his reflection. The sight of the angry man staring back at him had stopped Scott short, who was he to yell at Matt. He remember the need, the craving he had felt; how the painkillers had made everything feel better.

He couldn't be angry at the boy, he had been there himself. Matt didn't need to be yelled at anymore, if he was anything like Scott then he'd be doing enough yelling at himself.

Getting up, Matt went to get the door. As usual, all the lights in the suite were out since he didn't need them. His own bedroom was practically pitch black since his window was covered with sound proofing, but the windows in his suite allowed some light in.

Opening the door, Matt really recognized his teacher's heartbeat. "What?" He asked. The best defense was a good offense, right?

Scott blinked as his eye adjusted to the dark of Matt's suite, the boys face gradually coming into definition. To be honest Matt had looked better, any remaining inclination Scott had to yell fled at the sight before him.

"I thought you might like to get out of your suite," Scott offered calmly. "It's really not a good idea to hole yourself up in here, trust me on that."

"I'm fine," Matt replied flatly, going to close the door. "I don't want to go out."

Slipping his foot into between the door and it's frame Scott shook his head. "You're not fine Matt, you won't be for a while. And what do you want to do? Sit in your room and sulk? Or actually talk to someone about something. Anything?"

Groaning, Matt turned, going back deeper into his suite for a moment before grabbing his cane and coming back, "I fucked up. I know it. What more is there to talk about?" he asked, but he didn't try to kick the teacher out. He was still a teacher, "Won't happen again. I know."

"Well why you did it in the first place is a good start. You've been here before, I don't believe you decided to take ecstasy just cause you felt like it. It helped you forget, it helped to make everything easier. Didn't it?" As he spoke Scott pushed open the door stepping back to allow Matt out.

"Made me feel good," he explained with a nod, "Not...not high like nothing mattered, but like, my fears were okay and the nightmares didn't come and I just felt...good. Not great or like I was Superman or whatever. But like life was alright," like he could get through Genosha no problem. Now, the nightmares were back.

"And now?" Scott asked, "They didn't really make things better, did they? They just covered up the feelings, pushed off the point when you had to deal with it. Unless that is you're planning on drugging yourself for the rest of your life. And then what? It's not easy Matt, but it's better than the alternative; and we're here, all of us, to help you. If you let us." he finished putting an extra emphasis on the last words.

Matt didn't answer, it seemed obvious. Finally, he said, "I figured just for a little bit, you know? Ecstasy doesn't have the addiction rate of heroin or meth or whatever. Or most of the side effects. I checked. And it doesn't smell like pot does," one of the benefits of rehab was that he knew these things. "You're all dealing too. So...yeah." He was alone. Everyone had someone and he didn't have anyone.

Scott took a moment to look at Matt and measure his response. The boy had obviously done his homework and thought this through, and he deserved a real answer not an off the cuff response. "It doesn't need to be addictive to get you addicted. If it helps with the pain it's easy to justify keeping it up. 'It helps me function. It's not hurting anyone.'" For a moment Scott's voice took on a faraway quality as he remembered his own struggle with painkillers. Scott shook his head, "We dealt with it together Matt. Warren had to threaten to kick my ass to force me to deal with my problems. We lean on each other for strength and support, it's what friends do."

Matt couldn't claim he had spent days and weeks thinking about it, but he had spent a day. Sometimes, bad impulses really did work that slowly. Especially when it was a really bad idea. He shrugged. "Who're my friends then?" he finally asked. "I'm friendly with a lot of people, but...friends? Outside of Molly...and I guess Layla who has her girlfriend and all that....who? And I can't lean on Molly. She's a kid. Like, when I was her age, I was already blind, an addict, in foster care and about to go to juvie. I can't...I can't take away her innocence more than it's already been."

Scott nodded in approval, "Molly's been through enough," he agreed, "But she's not your only option. What about Wade?" he asked. "You know he'd be here in a heartbeat if you asked him. Or talk to the professor, or any of the younger people here. Find someone who you can trust. But you need to talk to someone. I didn't," he admitted. ""and it made everything harder."

Wade was awesome, he was like a surrogate father to Matt, which he appreciated, "Wade..." he sighed. That was part of the issue really, Wade had killed right in front of Matt to protect him. He understood why Wade had done it, there hadn't been another choice really, but at the same time, it bothered him. "Well, here you are," he pointed out. "Where are we going anyways?"

"Here I am," echoed Scott letting the subject drop for now. "We're headed down to the lake, I thought I'd show you the secret spot further down the shore. It's a little out of the way, but no-one goes that far down so it's peaceful. A nice place to go to think or relax when you don't want to be alone.

"Ah," Mat didn't reply to that really, but kept walking following Mr. Summers, though as they deviated from the paved paths he reached out, gripping his teacher's shoulder for better guidance. He still had his cane out and was using it as well. Scott carefully made his way along the path, trying to keep on as flat ground as possible to make it easier for Matt. "Well here we are," he told the student as they reached the edge of the lake. "I found this place back when I was a student here. It's probably not really a secret but," he shrugged, "it's as good a place as any to get away from the crowd back at the mansion."

"It's...nice?" Matt replied, unsure what he should say. It was quiet at least. He hadn't been sleeping so well. "So..." Scott indicated Matt should sit on a boulder before dropping to the ground himself. "So talk to me." he replied. "How does it feel to have a suite all to yourself now?"

Taking a seat, Matt drew his knees up to his chin, "Quiet," he finally replied. "Kinda weird. Never had my own room until here. And the suite is bigger than the apartment my dad and I had. And it's all....empty now. Kinda missing Korvus' music or Artie watching TV or whatever," the three roommates hadn't been the best of friends, but they had lived together without too many problems.

"There are people who would kill for a suite of there own," Scott pointed out. "Ok maybe not kill but you know what I mean. Enjoy it while you can, knowing this school you probably won't be the only male student here for too long." From his position on the ground Scott picked up a flat stone and threw it at the lake, bouncing it across the surface once, twice three four times before it finally sank. "Are you lonely now Korvus and Artie have graduated?"

"It's not like I had a lot of classes with them or anything," Matt pointed out. The grade difference had been significant, especially at first when he had come into the school. Summer school was helping bridge that gap. "Anyways, why should I be lonely? I'm a pimp daddy. Got all the girls to myself."

Scott blinked at Matt in surprise before he burst out laughing. "That's one way of looking at it," he finally managed to wheeze out when the laughter had started to subside. "Although I wouldn't say that in earshot of the girls if I was you."

Matt snorted, but couldn't help a grin, "I'm pretty sure Layla and Sarah might not like that," he agreed. He could think of one or two others, too, "But a guy has to try, right?"

Scott grinned back, "I'm married to one of the most powerful telepaths in the world Matt. I'm pretty sure that I'd get in trouble for even thinking that."

"Then you are dumb," Matt proclaimed, but it was more joking than any sort of serious insult. It was also coming from a 17year old teenager who had never so much as kissed a girl. "Or maybe she is. Someone is," he sighed, "And I let her down too. Dr. Grey. Let everyone down. Back to drug tests all the time." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Maybe, but love can be irrational like that. Come back to me in 5 years and then tell me that," he returned with a smile. "You let them down," he agreed, "but you're sorry and you know what you did was wrong. They'll forgive you if they see you trying to do better. You'll have to live with the drug tests for now I'm afraid."

The thing was, Matt had known it was wrong and he would let people down if he got caught. He hadn't expected to get caught though. He'd thought he could take the pills for a while, feel better and then stop taking them and no one would know. Sighing, he nodded. "They just...they made it easier," he finally mumbled.

"So what now?" Scott asked, "You obviously can't go back down that way so what are you going to do now?" Scott challenged. "Unless that is you intend to spend the rest of your life locked up in your room sulking" the older man ask careful to pitch his tone of voice to show he didn't mean it as an insult. "That would be a shame, both for you and for the rest of us."

As tempting as it was to say yes, he was going to spend the rest of his life doing just that just to spite Mr. Summers, Matt didn't. He wasn't that immature and more than that, that wasn't his way. "Sulking only works in the short term," Matt replied. The very short term. "Dunno though. Haven't gotten that far. I guess what I always do."

"Survive?" Scott asked. "That's another short term answer Matt, at some point you're going to move beyond survival and start living. He leaned back and let his body absorb the suns rays. "What do you want to do in the future?"

That was the problem with Xavier's. He'd been thinking about that. "College," he replied promptly, though what he would major in, he had no idea. "Layla thinks I could get a full scholarship being blind and in foster care. If the mutant drug addict thing doesn't kill my chances. Dunno what I could major in though." His dad had wanted him to be a doctor or something, but that wasn't going to happen now. His dad had just stressed college after he'd lost his sight.

"College is a good place to start," Scott agreed, You don't have to decide on a major now, chances are you probably won't even decide until you get there. "Layla's right you should get a scholarship if you can keep your grades up. A drug addict might have a problem with that, but an ex-drug addict won't. It shows your strength of character." Scott looked over at where Matt was sitting, "And don't ever tell Layla I said she was right, she'd be unbearable."

"My grades have always been good!" he retorted, angry that Scott implied they weren't. He worked hard for his grades! He was even in summer school now! "I got held back because I was blind and because I missed a lot of school in juvie and stuff and couldn't catch up, but not because my grades were bad!" He'd gone to school in juvie, but they hadn't been set up for a blind student and it had ended up mostly as a giant clusterfuck.

Scott pushed himself upright, he seemed to have inadvertently touched a nerve. "I never said your grades were bad Matt," he clarified. "You've got some of the best grades in the school. I've seen exactly how hard you study, that's why I think you'd get a scholarship."

"I just can't fuckup anymore," well, he didn't want to fuckup in general, it was just hard sometimes. "You really think I got a chance?" he was almost scared to believe that.

"Sure you do," Scott replied, "you've got everything going for you, and most importantly you deserve it. That's more than I can say for a lot of candidates." He looked at Matt sadly, "Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone messes up sometimes. It's all about what you do after that that defines who you are."

Like become a drug addict for the second time? Matt didn't voice that sarcastic reply. He sighed, shaking a little. "Then I guess I got a lot of definition, huh? The way I mess up." "Some yeah," Scott concurred, "but you're still here and you're still trying. I'd say that's a good sign at the very least."

Where else would he go? "I'm still standing," he agreed. "Alright. You win."