xp_logs | Angelo and Amanda - on the beach, early Saturday morning

Angelo was walking along the beach, between the Palace Pier and the remains of the West Pier. The others were still back at the hostel, but he'd felt like a walk - and, if truth be known, a smoke where nobody would glare at him for it. As he drew closer to the burned-out structure, he saw a small figure sitting on the pebbles, apparently staring out at the sea. Closer still, and he could see who it was, and slowed his steps, wanting neither to disturb her or, really, to face her.

One of the conditions of Romany allowing Amanda out for the weekend was that she do the meditative exercises she'd been shown every day, to keep her focus and to maintain her tenuous control of the power she'd been absorbing since her arrival - England was an old country, steeped in power and ritual, and Amanda's power was active again. She let out another breath, concentrated, and slowly levitated herself from the smooth pebbles, still in sitting position. The crystal pendant around her neck glowed slightly at the use of power. Then the crunch of feet on stone behind her registered, and her concentration broke. She plopped back down, scattering pebbles and swearing under her breath.

Angelo winced a little on seeing her land. "Sorry", he called quietly. "Didn't mean to disturb you."

"Nah, 's all right. 'S just stuff Romany wanted me to do, an being outside makes it easier. Concentration's the bit I'm working on." She shivered and got up, wincing a little at the pins and needles in her feet. "Out for a smoke?"

Angelo nodded. "Yeah. Not s'posed to smoke in the hostel rooms, an' it's not rainin', so I figured I might as well come out."

"An' there's no Paige givin' you that look, is there?" she replied with a small grin. "The one that's all disapprovin' an' all."

Angelo nodded ruefully. "She tries not to, but I know she doesn't like it."

"She used t' give me the same look when we was roomies." Amanda chuckled. She tucked the pendant back under her shirt, giving it a baleful stare. "Y'know, I think Rom picked the girly-est lookin' thing she could when she was makin' this for me."

Angelo shrugged. "Maybe so", he allowed flatly. "Don't know her that well."

"I do. An' she's got the evil Wisdom sense of humour. Wouldn't put it past her. Still, it's helping with things." She gave him a direct look. "It gives me enough mystic energy t' keep me on an even keel. Bit like a nicotine patch. Lets me do stuff without goin' off the deep end. And the exercises she's givin' me are helpin' with me control." She looked away again, at the slate grey sea breaking on the shore. "What I'm sayin' is I'm safe. Safer. 'M gettin' it back under control."

Angelo nodded. "Well, that's good. Safe for you, or for everybody else? Or both?"

"Both, I s'pose. Definitely safer for everyone else - I don't matter so much, but I don't want t' hurt anyone else if I can help it. Done enough of that already." Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, hunching a little against the wind and the memories crashing through her head. "When I was... It felt like the power was the only thing that mattered, and that scared the shite out of me. Because I've seen junkies, seen what they'd do for a fix, an' I didn't want t' be like that. 'Specially not to you lot - people at the school believed in the good iin me, an' I couldn't let them see they was wron... couldn't let them see there was bad as well." A small, rueful smile appeared on her face. "I'm workin' on that too, not bein' down on meself. That's harder 'n the other stuff."

Angelo nodded, then asked tentatively, not wanting to break her but assuming she'd had time to get less fragile, "D'you... do you understand why I wasn't talkin' to you for awhile there?"

She bit her lip. "A bit. I was a right bitch, said some stuff. Wanted t' lash out, drive you away from me so I wouldn't hurt you. 'S the only thing I could think of t' do - I couldn't see any way out of what was happenin'."

He nodded quietly. "You took it a bit far, though", he said, carefully keeping the recriminations out of his tone. He sighed. "The stuff I told you... was stuff I trusted you with. The big stuff, I mean. An' then to hear you throw it back in my face like that... kinda killed the trust, y'know?"

"I know," she said miserably, looking down at the ground and pushing pebbles around with her boot. "It half killed me, hearin' the stuff I was sayin', knowin' what it would do t' you, but I couldn't help meself. It was like I had t' prove I wasn't worth savin', that it would justify me givin' up. That someone who would do that t' their best mate deserved anything that happened." She looked up at him, pain plain in her face. "I don't expect you t' forgive me. I wouldn't, were it me."

Angelo blinked. "Wait. "Best mate"?" Then he got back on track and told her the blunt truth. "To be honest, Amanda, forgivin' you'll be easier than trustin' you again. But I know why you did it, an' if you swear to me it won't happen again... I'll try."

"I will. I do. Swear, that is. An' I don't expect you t' trust me again any time soon - t' tell the truth, I ain't sure I trust meself, so I don't expect anyone else to." She bit her lip again. "But I'm tryin' an' that's all I can do. An' I can promise I'll never do anything like that again - rather cut me own arm off."

Angelo nodded again. "Then that'll have to be enough." He sat down on the stones near her. "How's it been goin', anyway?"

She joined him, not too close, but not that far away either. "Good, I think. Most of what Rom's had me doin' is gettin' me head straight again, clearin' out the shite. The power I was gettin' from Cain, an' from that demon dimension... it was tainted, she says. Not good for me karma or somethin'. An' it's fucked up me power levels right an' proper. So we've been workin' on figurin' out just what me baseline is, an' me limits. Seems I need a lot more that I used to, just t' function." She dug in her pocket for her cigarettes, offering one to Angelo before taking one herself. "It's hard, but we're gettin' there. Worst part is all the healthy livin' - no booze, fuckin' wheatgrass an' tofu an' all that shite." She snickered. "Can't stop me smokin', tho' - it's drivin' Homily bonkers."

Angelo took the cigarette with a nod of thanks. "Yeah, I can imagine. You're drinkin' with us this weekend, though?"

"'In moderation', Rom told me. An' you met her, there's no fuckin' way I'm crossin' her. She's scary enough, even without the whole bein' better at magic 'n me. I think she talked Paige into keepin' an eye on me. Two of them got awfully chatty in the kitchen last night, y'know."

Angelo chuckled. "Sounds right up Paige's alley. She likes to look after us - think that's why she hates me smokin', but she doesn't wanna outright tell me to give up."

"So she goes the sneaky way, with that look of hers." Amanda blew smoke into the wind, watching the gulls circling the remains of the West Pier. "She seems happier, over here. I was too busy with me own shit, but I was worried 'bout her, when I could."

Angelo nodded, with a sudden faint frown. "Yeah. Things've been pilin' up for a long time, I think, an' she won't let herself break down. If she did, it might help, but you know what she's like."

"Yeah. What is it 'bout the school that seems t' get the most stubborn people in the world in one place?" She shrugged wryly. "I didn't ask, but I think Rom noticed something. 'S why she dragged Paige out t' help in the kitchen."

Angelo nodded. "Good. Hope she could help."

"Rom likes to help. Sometimes whether you want her to or not." Amanda chuckled. "She's like Pete that way."

Angelo grinned. "Usually not a bad thing, though."

"True. Us stubborn types need the kick in the arse that only someone like that can provide, sometimes." She looked across at him. "'M glad you're one of those too."

Angelo glanced over at her. "Well. I try."

"I wouldn't be here if you weren't. An' I'm glad t' be. Here, I mean." She shivered slightly at the memory of that night on the roof. "Stopped me doin' something really fucking stupid."

Angelo nodded. "Couldn't let you do it", he said simply. "Whatever... however I might've felt about you then, I couldn't let you do it."

She reached over and took his hand, giving it a brief squeeze before letting go. The gesture said more than she could.

Angelo hesitated, then said quietly, "Amanda... if you meant one word of what you said that day, even if you'd never have said it usually, I need you to tell me. Just so I know."

"The only bits I meant were the bits 'bout me. I wanted t' hurt you, an' I knew what would get at you, so that's what I used." She pulled her legs up, rested her chin on her knees. "Yer not worthless, Ange. An' if Paige weren't me roomie, I'd be smackin' her down for fuckin' you over with the Jono thing. You deserve someone who'll be good t' you."

Angelo shrugged, with a sad smile. "She is. Really. She can't help the Jono thing, any more than I can help lovin' her." He sighed, before going back to the previous topic to admit, "This is why I had such a problem with it. You knew what'd get at me, how to hurt me, 'cause I let you in. Wouldn't've told just anybody that stuff, y'know, I thought you'd understand..." He shrugged again, helplessly. "An' also, it got t'me 'cause you didn't say a single thing I haven't thought, one time or another."

"Like I said before, I wanted to make sure you'd get clear. That demon dimension... I was using some seriously bad magic there, an' I was doin' it easy. It scared me, how easy it was, an' how much I enjoyed it. I didn't want t' do anything like that to you." She shrugged, helplessly. "I knew you'd stick by me, an' I couldn't let you do that. The fact I hated meself for doin' it just made it worse."

Angelo nodded. "Yeah. I would've stuck by you. 'f I trust someone enough t'tell 'em stuff like that, I try to pay it back. Wish you'd've let me..."

"I couldn't. I was so fucked up, Ange, all I could think of was tryin' not t' hurt anyone else. I didn't matter, long as you lot got clear. 'S the only thing that kept me hangin' on, that an' what I was gettin' from Manny." She sighed. "When I fuck up, I do it right an' proper."

Angelo nodded. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Amanda - yeah. You did. But it is fixable, I think."

"I hope so. Ain't never had a decent friend before - don't want t' lose the ones I got."

Angelo glanced at her. "No promises", he said quietly. "But I'll try t'get it back the way it was. Might be awhile, though."

She nodded. "I ain't expectin' a miracle. I did somethin' really shitty t' you an' I don't expect you t' turn around an' say it's okay an' it be the same. But..." She smiled shyly at him. "'M glad yer talkin' t' me again. I missed it."

"It will be okay, I think", he assured her quietly. "Sooner or later, it'll be like it was. An' I won't stop talkin' to you again, promise."

"An' I won't give you a reason to," she replied, unable to hide the relief on her face. "So we're good."

Angelo glanced up at her with a smile. "We're good."