Log: Kurt and Jubilee

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Jubilee goes to see Kurt in order to explain some things that happened during Sonatorrek




Kurt had been waiting, puzzled and somewhat worried by the tone of Jubilee's text message asking to see him. At the knock on the door, he leapt up from the couch and hurried to open it.

"Hi," Jubilee said, rubbing a hand against the back of her neck and motioning for him to let her past. "I thought maybe you should hear this from me before any rumors got around."

He stood aside instantly, watching as she headed to the couch. "Well, generally a good idea... what is it?"

"I slept with Gar," Jubilee said, glancing over her shoulder at Kurt with a carefully neutral expression.

She'd never cheated on anyone before, had never thought she ever would. Whether it had been due to magical weirdness or not, it had still been her. If alcohol wasn't an excuse, how could magical whammy be? She turned back to the couch, slumping down onto it in a surprisingly graceless sprawl, she was just so damn tired.

Kurt stopped still in the act of closing the door, staring at her, then, slowly, finished pushing it shut.

"...I see", he said eventually, not moving to join her just yet. "Why?"

"I guess that depends on your point of view," Jubilee replied, leaning her head back and staring at the ceiling. "At the time it happened? Because I was horny as hell and he was right there, later on we found out there was some sort of magical roofie involved."

"Magic", he said quietly, and walked over to sit on the other end of the couch. "That does put a different light on things. But if it is that you want to be with him, Jubilee... tell me now."

"Why aren't you angry?" Jubilee asked, ignoring his question in favour of attacking. "Why the hell aren't you ever angry, no matter what people do to you? Can't you just...Why are you always so God damn fucking noble?"

She stood, needing to move, needing to be doing something with all the nervous energy beating its way along her veins. If she were Cammie she'd be looking for a bar fight right now, but she wasn't, so she was here instead, trying to figure out why what she wanted most was for Kurt to be angry with her over something she couldn't control.

"Is that what you need? For me to be angry, for yourself to be blamed?" he asked pointedly, calm yellow eyes fixed on her. "I do not think you would like what you see when I really lose it, as they say. I have beaten people to a pulp, and I do not much like myself for it, so I control it."

"I don't know, maybe?" Jubilee answered, running her hands through her hair as she paced the floor in front of the couch. "I want, I need to know you're real with me. If you're angry at me, I need you to be angry. I can't be the only emotional one here, Kurt. I can't deal with that."

"You are not the only emotional one." He got up, finally, and touched her for the first time since she'd walked into the room, pulling her hands down from her head and holding them. "If you want what is true, you want me to be real, then here. I am hurt that you did this, when you said you would not, and yes, I am angry, but not only at you. And I think I am falling in love with you, so you see, it is hard for me to blame you when I have a valid reason not to."

Jubilee was at a loss for words, letting her hands lay loose in his as she stared at him. It was not how she had expected this conversation to go when she first walked in the door, not by a long shot.

"I'm sorry," she said finally, moving her hand finally to place it against the soft fur of his jaw. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"It seems I tend to fall easily", he said with a wry quirk of his mouth, "but I think not always unwisely. I know, you do not... you would not hurt me on purpose. I did wonder, after what you said on the lawn, if you were not trying to... prove you do not deserve this."

"I don't," Jubilee replied simply, running her fingers up his jaw and into his hair, curling a lock around his ear gently. "I've done so many things, Kurt. I really don't deserve you, this at all. I just know that I'm selfish enough that I want you anyway."

"We will have to agree to disagree on that." He squeezed her hand. "It is not an affair, with Garrison, it was one time under an influence, and it is me you want. That is good enough for me."

"I just wish I could promise you more," Jubilee said, moving closer to rest her head against his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I don't want you feeling like you've gotta save me, you know?"

He turned his head to rest his cheek against the top of hers, lips brushing her hair. "Amanda thought I might do that too. I promise I will not try to change you, or your situation. You chose your life as it is now, if not as it has been, and I am going into this eyes open. But perhaps I can help you to heal, a little."

"You certainly have my permission to try," Jubilee said, somewhat whimsically, days without proper sleep starting to catch up with her now that she'd finally confessed the thing that had bothered her the most. "Maybe after I get some sleep though?"

"Sleep you shall have", he agreed firmly, stepping back slightly without letting her go, and turned to usher her towards the bedroom. "Here, with me."

When they were curled together in the bed, Kurt still fully clothed in his sweatpants and T-shirt, calloused fingers stroking absently over her face and neck, he raised his head to look at her.

"Jubilee, tell me something before you fall asleep? Have you ever been with someone who loved you?"

"No," Jubilee answered simply, allowing herself to spoon for the moment, even if she'd need to move away to really sleep. Right now it was a comfort to be held, especially after she'd wondered if she really had screwed up too big to be forgiven this time. "Like, not in hindsight anyhow. Totally thought I had been almost every relationship, then when it was over, looking back was all 'You are such a dumbass to think that guy loved you,'. It's totally weird though, cause professionally? Observing and playing odds is like, I'm totally the boss. Personal wise? I suck harder then a hoover."

He looked at her sadly and his hand stilled on her face. "Not a dumbass, I think, just wanting to believe it. I have to say, neither have I. Not in the way I would have liked, at least."

"I want that," Jubilee answered honestly, turning around to face him. "But I can't promise it, not yet anyhow. You're an awesome guy, like totally awesome and you make me feel great. I don't like, want you thinking I'm holding back here or anything. It's just I've been burned, and I think you have to and I don't want us to be just something we fall into without really meaning it."

Kurt shifted his hand to cup her face, and leaned in for a gentle kiss before he spoke. "I do not want you to say or promise anything before you are ready to mean it. If the day comes when you can, I will be very happy, but I am no less happy just to be with you and have you want to be with me."

"I can work with that," Jubilee noted, leaning into his touch as she cupped his face in her palm in turn. "I can definitely work with that."