Kyle & Wade | Sunday Afternoon

[x-deadpool.livejournal.com]

Kyle and Wade tackle the pantry in the kitchen in an effort to toss out stuff that never gets used and to reorganize it a bit. Funny stuff ensues.


Wade turned up in the kitchen at the specified time and listened as Lorna told them what needed to be done, then turned to Kyle as Lorna left and quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not sure how moving flour and sugar and stuff around could technically qualify as heavy lifting, but since she's paying us in ribs, I'm not going to point that out."

"Dude, have you ever been -in- the pantry and walk-in? It's nuts in here. Last time we found cookies from nineteen sixty three." Kyle was exaggerating. Sort of. "Every time Lorna leaves, it turns into chaos back there. Spam. Strange shrimp flavored potato chips. Weird candy. I think she gave up trying to control the chaos." He bounced the box of trash bags Lorna had given them, spinning and catching it a few times. "I think there's a mutant in there who makes food out of dust or something."

"I would make so much spam if that was my tertiary mutation," Wade said, grinning. "Also, I like shrimp. And I like chips. I'm not sure how I feel about shrimp flavored chips, though." He paused as he peered into the pantry, eyebrows rising. "Huh. Okay, so if you don't hear back from me in twenty minutes, I've either suffocated or I've found all the rice cakes and peanut butter and have decided to live in there."

"Dude, if I had that power I'd take over Kitchen Stadium." Kyle said, following Wade into the pantry, and using a bag of red skin potatoes to prop the door open. "Shrimp chips aren't bad. Dori likes 'em. And man, really, rice cakes? Lame. Mega lame. Epic lameness. Gross. It's like eating cardboard."

"That's what the peanut butter's for," Wade said, somewhat distracted by the Kitchen Stadium comment because Iron Chef was hilarious. "Do we have any peppers in here?" He was pretty sure all the actual produce was kept somewhere else where it wouldn't go bad quite so fast, but he had this desire to yell something ridiculous and then take a bite out of one, anyway.

"Not that aren't dried and like this big." Kyle helpd up two fingers about half a centimeter apart. "Potatoes." he pointed to the bag propping open the door. "Onions and garlic" Strings of both. "And, uh, pickled eggs." In a jar. "Gross."

Wade made a face at the pickled eggs. "Seriously." He caught sight of one of the biggest cans he'd ever seen, though, and got distracted reaching for it. Brushing the dust off the top, he paused for a second to read the label, then covered it with half of his unbuttoned button-up before turning around to face Kyle. Deadpanning it, the mercenary said, "Today's secret ingredient is... canned tuna!" He threw in a very serious eyebrow waggle after whipping his shirt out of the way to display the overlarge tin.

Somewhat abruptly, Kyle folded at the knees, hitting the ground butt-first while he was laughing. He flailed the arm that hadn't broken his fall, and came up with a box snagged on one claw. With it still attached, he stood in a single motion, and thrust the box out towards Wade. "Saved! By spanish riiiiiiice!" He drew the word rice out to a full two seconds, and his shoulders shook with suppressed laughter.

Cracking up, Wade put the can of tuna down and twisted around until he could grab a random jar. "Hundred year old maaaaaaaarmiiiiiiite," he half-crowed, displaying the jar with an almost Vanna White-esque finger wiggle.

"Oh my God, gross." Kyle pushed both his hands out in a warding-off gesture and shook his head. "Why do we even have that? Gross. I bet it's Amanda's, she's British and eats weird British food. Have you had that stuff? Marius eats vegemite, and that's bad enough, but that stuff? Metal and salty and gross, not just salty and gross."

"Yeah," Wade said, breaking character briefly to look at the marmite. "But I ate a hundred year old egg once and that was pretty much the grossest thing ever. The beak crunched. It was vaguely upsetting." Poking back through the shelf, the mercenary squinted a bit and said, "What is this? Powdered iced tea? How is that even a thing?"

"Oh man, Cammie keeps trying to get me to have balut but Jesus no." Kyle said, and made a disgusted face, tongue out and one eye screwed shut. "Dude, somewhere in here is Mondo's stash of... oh, wait, found it..." he held out a packet of several drink mix envelopes, with the grinning face of "Kooooooool aaaaaaaid!" man on it. "We hid them to keep him from going "Oh yeah!" every time he went in the minifridge."

Wade mouthed the 'oooooooooooooooo' in 'kooooooooool' as Kyle said it, then laughed. "I kind of want to meet this Mondo person. He's the one who liked spam, right? I can get behind that." Rooting through the shelves behind him again, Wade found spices and a fairly pedestrian bag of corn meal. Then an odd metallic bag caught his eye and he grabbed it. "Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigs..."

"Oh, gross." Kyle said. "and Mondo was... okay, you know how Molly is, where she's just kinda younger than her age? Same way. Nice guy, really loud and like, excitable, didn't have a mean bone in his body, but a little naive." He took the bags of dried fruits Wade kept handing him and put them all on the same shelf. There, organization! "Hey, did you ever notice that dried apricots look like eaaaaaaars?"

"I've eaten piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig eaaaaaaaaaaaars," Wade said, handing over something that looked like moldy dried pineapple for the random fruit shelf they were apparently making. "Deeeeeeeep friiiiiied," he continued, waggling his eyebrows.

The pineapple went into the trash bin. Anything Kyle couldn't identify easily, binned. It was just too likely it was something that Illyana chick used to summon demons or something. "I ate an ear once. Well, I bit a guy's ear off." Kyle shrugged. "In my defense, he'd brainwashed me and I was pissed about it. Can't quite Chairman Kaga-ize 'Doctor Campbell's ear' though."

"I," Wade said, tossing various expired spices into the bin, "Have never eaten a person's ear. Ever heard of frying chicken skin and using it instead of bacon in a BLT? Totally saw that advertised the other day." He found several cans of green beans, three of which were expired, and several jars of what looked like homemade preserves of some kind. "These are questionable," he said, handing them to Kyle.

"Oh god. Can we do that? Because dude, chicken skin." All parts of chickens were delicious, in Kyle's opinion but skin-on fried chicken was one of the best things ever. Meaty, crunchy, what was not to love? "Lorna is going to totally murder us if she finds us doing that though. Totally against her healthy eating thing."

"We'll just have to make sure she doesn't find out. Or point out that we're both exceedingly healthy by default and promise not to share the chicken skin sandwiches with anyone who actually has to worry about things like blood pressure and cholesterol or whatever it is she's worried about," Wade said, grinning. "Besides, I think there's chicken in the fridge and we'd totally be making it healthier for everyone else by eating the skin. We're taking a bullet for the team!"

"Yeah, I tried that once to get out of washing my hands and oranges before I peeled them." Kyle's hand shot out to grab a dusty bag. "Mandarin oooooooranges!" and shoved it in Wade's face. "And you know, not so much. But she might buy the 'making it healthier for everyone else' thing. Maybe."

"It'll totally work," Wade said. "I'll give her my best 'would you yell at me' face." He grinned, then wiggled his eyebrows a little and stole an orange. Setting his back against the cupboards behind him, he started peeling it. "Man, this cleaning thing is dusty work. I call a timeout for eating."

"How is it that I actually have the feral mutation, but you do puppy dog eyes like a pro? I mean, what the fuck, you're old." Kyle asked. "And yeah, it's gross in here." They'd made some actual progress around the banter, they were totally justified. "And all this food is legit making me hungry."

"Decades of practice, Spicewalker. Decades of practice. Also, a fair bit of flattery. You don't get to making tacocopters with somebody without, y'know. Learning certain things about them." Wade ate a wedge of orange and hummed satisfaction to himself, then grinned. "Want steak? There's some in the fridge."

"Dude, the day I don't want steak, you should make sure I'm not like, a replicant." Kyle said. "Or mind controlled. Or both. The day I don't want steak, it's actually a mind-controlled replicant me made from ..." On his way out of the pantry he snagged a box, and waved it. "Pooootattoooooooo."

Wade shoved an absurdly large portion of orange into his mouth and snagged the box of dried potatoes on his way past Kyle. "Totally keeping that in mind," he said around a mouthful of juicy, pulpy deliciousness. "Mm. Steak and potatoes. No green stuff need apply for the making of this meal."

"I like chives on my potato." Kyle offered. "But it's optional. I won't die without it."

"Heathen," Wade said, voice still garbled by the orange in his mouth.