xp_logs | Topaz and Hope: Anger and Sadness

Topaz is basically the last person who should ever have a conversation with anyone about the dangers of repressing emotions. But then, she's hypocritical like that.

Topaz wasn't avoiding people.

Really, she wasn't. Sure, she was in a remote corner of the library doing her homework, but that wasn't avoidance, that was being a responsible student. Completely different. Really.

"Topaz?" Hope poked her head around one of the bookcases. "You wanted to talk with me?"

Topaz shifted her gaze from her homework. "Did I? Hm. Didn't think you'd actually take me up on that." She rubbed the back of her neck.

"It was a simple enough request to fulfill." Hope replied as she took a seat, smoothing down her skirt without further thought. "What did you wish to speak about?"

The young witch tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling as Hope sat. She wasn't sure why exactly she'd told Hope she wanted to talk to her. In her defense, she'd been half asleep when she'd written that email. "Just out of curiosity, how long have you been burying that anger?" Topaz asked, still focusing on the ceiling.

"The anger? You mean what I felt towards that Slenderman?" Hope frowned a little. "That was something it brought out and used to play with me."

"But it had to exist inside of you for it to be brought out." Still looking anywhere but at Hope. "The Slenderman didn't create the emotion in you, it just egged it on. And you're avoidin' the question."

Hope hesitated a moment before replying. "Perhaps a small seed of it somewhere. But a lady does not give into rage or even gets very angry..."

"No, apparently she bottles it up until it explodes," Topaz replied dryly. "Look, Hope, you're a good person, but anger is...dangerous. Very, very dangerous." She was highly aware of how hypocritical she was about to sound. But when it came to anger, she had opinions. "Especially when you don't know how to control it."

"It were the Slendermen, Topaz." Hope defended herself. "They are gone and the anger will fade now that is the fact."

"Will it? Or will you just press it down until you forget about it again?" Topaz finally turned her eyes to look at Hope. "Look, I'm not gonna pretend I know what's best or tell you what you should do. I'm just sayin' there are certain emotions that don't like to be pushed away. And anger is definitely one of them. And when anger isn't controlled...it can get scary. That's all I had to say."

"Like I said, it already fading away again. And once it has returned to it's former state, the risk will have diminished." Hope replied shortly.

"Always a risk," Topaz said more to herself then to Hope, looking back down at her homework. She could sense a faint hum of annoyance on Hope's part - she didn't like this conversation. Topaz wasn't surprised. "Right then. You know yourself better than I do." More importantly then the annoyance, she could sense an underlying anger, which was, admittedly, a bit strange coming from her. Still, it made Topaz's point. There was always a risk.

"I fully agree that unleashed anger can be a risk. But it can be properly leashed and above that, there needs to be anger that can be leashed. When one accepts things the way they are anger is not needed and hence there is no anger to be repressed or leashed."

"There's always anger. Everyone always feels angry about something. It's what makes you human." Denial was one thing - Topaz understood denial. Practiced it daily. But Hope was just being delusional now. The worst part was, Topaz couldn't tell if her classmate really believed that or not.

"I do not deny people will feel anger. Just that when one accepts things are how they are, there is no need for anger and hence it will dissolve very quickly." Hope bit her lip, quickly searching for the quote. "It comes highly recommended. Why, just think of this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

"God also recommends we rest on Sunday, wait until we get married to have sex, and never covet something that doesn't belong to us. Among many other things that humans do on an almost daily basis." Wow. Where had that little streak of sarcasm come from? "You're talking about a perfect world where everyone acts the exact same and has the exact same opinions as everyone else. And yes, there are some things in the world that we just need to accept can't be changed. But for everything else, there's anger. It's whether or not you accept that the anger exists that'll decide what happens next."

"You are missing the point. It's not about what God wants us to do or this being an imperfect world. It about us taking the limited power we have and turn that to something useful. Anger is not useful." Hope explained rather fiercely.

"Sure it is." Topaz's tone, in contrast, was rather calm. Almost bored, really. "You're angry at me right now, aren't you? And you're using it to do everything in your power to prove me wrong."

"I am merely slightly frustrated. Nothing more and that will be gone soon." Hope wimpled of the issue. "My I ask you something personal though?"

"Mhm." Topaz knew she wasn't going to win with this. She didn't even know why she was trying, really. "Sure, ask." Didn't mean she had to answer.

"Why the intense focus on anger as a damaging emotion, Topaz? There seem to me that there are emotions that are far more damaging, like hate."

"Emotions have progression. Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to..." Hate led to dragging your fifteen-year-old daughter into a doomed-from-the-start vendetta. "Hate is what happens when you stop being able to control the anger."

"Unless you stop that progression. Still, you seemed quite focused on anger specifically, Topaz." Hope gently pressed the point. There was something more there and she wished to understand.

"The only way to stop it is to control it. That doesn't mean pretending the anger doesn't exist." Hope was fishing now and Topaz wasn't having it. It was one thing to have a discussion about anger and the dangers of it. Quite another to push for personal information.

Hope did recognize the dismissal for what it was and frowned. There were things going here that she could not read. "I am not going to push, Topaz. But..." Here she gently reached out with her hand, laying a comforting hand on Topaz' shoulder. "But there are other emotions that should not be pushed away as well. Pain and sadness for one..." The emotions had been easy to read in Topaz' her eyes.

Topaz's first instinct was to jerk away from Hope's touch. But she'd learned long ago that that just led to more questions she wouldn't want to answer,cap she resisted. She didn't care much that Hope had changed the topic - she had said her piece.

But they were not talking about her. "Dunno what you're talking about."

"When I just asked about why you focused so much on anger, I could see it in your eyes. You were hurting inside." Hope tried to look reassuring. "You do not have to tell me anything. But think about it. Pain and sadness might not cause hatred, but they can destroy a person from the inside out."

No, she wasn't going to push it at all, Topaz thought sarcastically, turning her pen between her fingers. "I've seen anger and hatred turn a good man into a monster. It's not a path I wanna see anyone else take." Her tone made it clear that was all she would say on the topic.

"I will think about your words." Hope promised with a small smile. "And thank you for explaining. I see what you mean far better now." And consider it she would.