Log: Billy & Maddie, Of dreams and identity crisises

[x-asgardian.livejournal.com]

Friday afternoon, Maddie runs into Billy and pries out what's been bothering him.


Billy sat down by the lake, looking out over the choppy water. He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt tighter as a particularly cold gust of wind whipped past. He wasn't dressed nearly warm enough for as cold as it was outside, but going back to the room to get his coat sort of defeated the whole purpose. After a couple days of avoiding people, he'd run out of excuses to run off and had just ducked outside as soon as classes were over. A part of him regretted that decision now and was tempted to head back inside, at least for a while, but the other part. Well, shivering wasn't so bad.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, glancing at it briefly--Maddie. Again--and put it away, unanswered.

Something had happened, of this Maddie was certain. She was spending enough time with Billy in and out of class that the change in his demeanor was instantly apparent. The fact that he was actively ignoring her texts only highlighted the problem. And for once, the redhead had no idea what caused this shift. Everything had been normal lately, too busy for monsters to come after them or to get into trouble, so Maddie was left with an unsettling feeling that it was something she had done. After all, she was the person he spent the most time with these days.

So, with her latest attempt at communication once again ignore, and too unsettled to really concentrate on anything, Maddie bundled herself up and allowed the repetitive motion of her feet hitting the ground clear her mind and body of all that nervous energy.

On the first pass, she had missed the figure huddled near the lake, but on the return trip the sight of a lone person braving the wicked cold to just sit and... stare into the distance piqued her interest. What crazy person was this?

It was Billy. Shit.

But she was too close, he had to have heard her approach. Well, maybe if she stood behind him long enough while she stretched he would say something to break the awkward silence.

Billy froze at the sound of someone behind him, wishing he was invisible. For a moment, he toyed with the idea of trying to make himself invisible, but for one, he'd have to talk, and he was pretty sure whoever it was would be able to hear even if he muttered. And two--well, his track record. He finally braved looking over his shoulder and saw Maddie.

"Oh...hi," he said, then in an awkward attempt to pretend everything was fine, added, "Isn't it kinda cold to be out running?"

"Not as cold as it is to be sitting by the lake with no coat on," she replied pointedly, eyeing the completely inappropriate attire. "At least I generate heat when I run, and all my extremities are covered."

"Why is it that I am always finding you and Clint freezing your asses off when you're trying to avoid me? You risk hypothermia and I drag you back inside. So come on, we're going inside."

"I'm not...avoiding you," Billy tried to protest. "I just...like the cold. It doesn't really b-bother me," he said, a shiver betraying the words. "You can go on if you're cold, though. I'll...b-be in in a b-bit."

Maddie crossed her arms across her chest, squares her hips, and shot Billy a look, daring him to just try and defy her. "I can see you shivering, so you better get yourself moving toward that mansion or I will do it for you."

Billy looked at her for a moment, trying to come up with a good argument, when a simple solution came to mind. I want my coat, I want my coat, I want my coat, he started chanting, not sure why he hadn't thought of the idea sooner. The air shimmered a moment, and a blue coat appeared. Followed by...Billy sat there holding his breath and his coat for a moment. No, just one. He slowly released his breath and started pulling the coat on. "There, how's that? Happy?"

"Not really." But upon the coat's manifestation, Maddie's stance relaxed; it was better than nothing, but it still did not answer the question of why he was out there in the first place. She sighed and crouched beside him, looking out over the still lake.

"You aren't answering my texts," she said following a few moments of awkward silence. "You're barely talking to me, and you can't meet my eyes during rehearsals. Don't deny it, I can tell you're looking over my shoulder. So if you're not avoiding me, I don't know what you're doing. Or what I did to upset you."

Billy startled at the mention of looking over her shoulder. He dared a quick glance sideways at her but there didn't seem to be any hidden meaning to the words. He turned back to the lake, scrubbing a hand through his hair. "You didn't do anything. Really. It's not you. It's...something else," he finally admitted, the last words sounding profoundly unhappy.

Maddie turned to look at him frowned. It was obvious that something was wrong, that Billy was hurting, and she did not like it when her friends were hurt. "Billy," she began, her voice soft, resting her gloved hand upon his knee. "I hate seeing you this way." Sigh. "Even if there's nothing I can do to help, I can at least share your burden if you tell me."

"Whatever is going on, you don't need to shoulder this load alone. I'm here, however you will have me."

Billy flinched at her touch but he didn't pull away. He didn't respond for a long time, just staring out blankly in front of him. A couple of times, he took a breath as if he was going to speak, then fell silent. Then, suddenly, he blurted out, "I don't think I can do the show."

"Wait. What?" Gobsmacked. She was absolutely gobsmacked. This was the last thing she expected to hear out of Billy's mouth. He had been so excited after getting cast and he looked like he was having such fun at rehearsals. Well, until whatever it was happened and he fell into this weird mood. "What do you mean you 'don't think you can do the show'? You're like fucking amazing, Billy. Did you have a run-in with someone? Is someone blackmailing you? Because if they are, in addition to all the gossip I overhear, I'm a fuckin' telepath, and ethical or not I will use that to smack whatever bitch threatened you into submission."

"This is why I keep my pimp hand strong."

"Blackmail? Why would...?" Billy let the question go. It was probably as good a conclusion as any given how closed he'd been. He sighed then shook his head. "No, it's nothing like that." He said, hesitating as he looked over at her. "I...had this dream the other night. About the show." He started to trail off, then pushed forward. "You were all singing your song, and I'm waiting off to the side for my cue to come out and punch Josh. Except when we got to that point...I ran out...and instead..." He paused, chewing his lip, and his next words were barely audible, "instead, I kissed him."

Maddie hadn't realized she had been holding her breath until the relieved exhale that followed Billy's confession. "Oh my G-d. Is that all?" She winced as soon as the words were out of her mouth at how completely inconsiderate she sounded. "Oh my G-d I didn't mean it like that," she rushed to explain. "I mean, obviously it's upsetting you and it's eating you up, and I'm totally not trying to sweep all that under the rug, it's just that I thought it was something where you were going to end up in serious bodily harm or someone was verbally bullying you and I would have to go cut a bitch. I'm relieved that it's not that, is all."

"I wish it was one if those," Billy said, quite emphatically. "That would be easy to fix. I could...well try to magic it away. Or just call you. But...this. What am I supposed to do? How can I do that song when...that's all I can think about?"

"Wait. Lemme see if I get this: you're upset because you had a dream about kissing Josh instead of punching him?" The wheels were turning in her head, but the hamster must have been dead because she was totally confused. "Just a dream. Just a part of your subconscious popping up to make you go 'what the fuck... I really need to stop eating pizza before bed'?"

"But..." Billy hesitated, "What if it's more than that?"

"What if what's more than what," she asked, still obviously confused. "What if it's more than a dream? That you're going to run onstage ad kiss Conrad instead of punching him? As funny as that would be, I'm not sure Mr. Peterson would appreciate you straying from his stage directions. He's kinda a diva."

Billy didn't laugh or seem to find the image funny at all. In fact, he was white as a sheet, barely able to get the next words out. "But what if it's...what if I'm...you know..." he said, not able to say the actual word.

"What if you're what?" Maddie frowned. She thought she knew where this was going, but last time she had assumed something about Billy she had been completely off base.

"What if I...liked it?" Billy whispered. "Yeah, I've been looking over your shoulder." He swallowed hard. "At him. Wondering."

Still frowning, the redhead slowly began to form words and string together a reply. "You're wondering... what it would be like... to kiss Josh," she ventured to guess. "And... if you'd like it? The kiss, I mean."

Billy was quiet for a while, then finally nodded. "Yeah," he said, looking at the ground between them. "I...did in my dream. Really did. Any it's...I dunno." His voice started to shake but he tried to hold it steady. "I don't know what it means. Don't know what to do."

"Oh Billy." Through an exercise of swift maneuvering, Maddie wrapped her arms around his midsection and hugged as tight as she could without squeezing him to death. She sat there in silence for a few moments as she tried to to think to what to say to calm Billy's anxiety. from the sound of things, as she understood it, Billy was afraid that kissing Josh in a dream and liking it meant he was gay. Which meant that he was scared that he was gay, or else he would have likely just shrugged it off as being just a strange dream.

In short: he was having an identity crisis.

"Billy," she reached up and began stroking his hair, an action that had always seemed to help calm her in times of distress. "Our hormones are on hyperdrive, I mean, we're teenagers. And you've been spending a lot of time around Josh, imprinting him on your brain, so I don't think it's unusual that you had a sexually charged dream about him. Our brains are weird. I totally had a dream that Sue and I were living on a space station or a space ship or something and were lovers. I have no idea why. We had been hanging out earlier, so I can see why she would appear in the dream. But not the space ship. Then again, I also have dreams about being separated from my family after they fled a church while I was kept by an evil Russian priest and when I tried to flee I was caught up with a group of witches (for lack of better term) that cast spells on me that would help me escape but would also curse me depending on what I did."

"I blame that one on the Military Channel talking about the Russian Front in WWI."

"You just don't get it!" Billy scowled. For once, there was no sign of his usual happy-go-lucky demeanor. "It's not some silly space ship dream. I can't wake up!. I can't stop thinking about it. About him!"

"I just can't understand why you're so upset." Her voice was small, stunned by Billy's outburst. "Dreams don't always have a meaning, and even if this one does, what does it matter? You're afraid you're gay. But gay, straight, bisexual, genderqueer, transsexual, transgendered, whatever, you are, and always will be William Kaplan. And I love you no matter what."

Whatever response Billy was expecting, that apparently wasn't it. He sat there speechless, trying to form words that wouldn't come out. Finally, he managed to get out a quiet "Thanks." It took another few moments before he could continue. "I...love you too. I'm just...scared."

Maddie squeezed him tighter. "I know." How many stories were there about LGBTQ kids being targeted or excluded not just by other kids, but by the establishment? And parents who disowned their child for being gay? But for all that hate, there were more and more stories of love and support. "But nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. I'll be right there, ready and willing to cut a bitch. And I'm sure Clint will be too. If we can take on a horde of Slendermen, then some punk-ass losers will be no problem."

Billy started to relax, even so far as allowing small smile of relief until the mention of Clint. Then the panicked look returned to his eyes. "No!" he blurted out. "You can't tell him! I just...I mean, I'm not even sure what it means... But you just can't! Promise me you won't! Swear it!"

The force behind those words pushed Maddie off him and almost knocked her over. She was about to ask why, when she noticed the panicked, frenzied look in Billy's eyes. This was not her life, her sexuality, her entire world they were talking about, and she had to accept that Billy didn't feel comfortable telling Clint about what was going on, even though she knew that he would feel the same way she did.

"I promise, Billy," she reassured him, leaning back against his side. "You're my steady; I'd do anything for you. All you have to do is ask, and I'll be there." She slid her fingers between his and cast him a warm smile. "Forever."