xp_logs | Doug and Remy (backdated)

Backdated to October. Doug comes to Remy's office to talk about a lot of things.

Doug had wanted fairly badly to find any number of things to use as an excuse not to be knocking at Remy's door early in the morning. But he also knew himself, and he knew that if he started letting something else get in the way, things would -keep- getting in the way. After all, that was half of the reason he was in the predicament he was now, tense with imagining what the Cajun's reactions might be. But he was there, and he made himself walk in the open door, rapping at it to get Remy's attention from whatever he was concentrating on.

His eyes flicked up from the tablet for a moment before returning to whatever he was reviewing. Knowing LeBeau, it could literally be from any part of X-Force's mission. He had a tendency to bounce around departments in order to keep a solid overview of what the whole organization was involved in. He pressed a part of the screen and forwarded it. "What do you need, Doug?"

"Two things." Better to just get right into it. "I don't know if Marie-Ange actually texted you or not the way she said she might last night, but Dr. Grim is willing to sign off on my being ready to return to the field. Threw a glass of water in my face unexpectedly to test it, even." Doug shrugged. Obviously the final call would be Remy's, but he hoped that... Well, now that he was standing in front of the man, Doug was suddenly aware that, as anxious as the Cajun made him, he really did want Remy's approval rather badly.

"Did he?" Remy paused, a considering look on his face. "Remy take it under advisement. For now, we'll stick wit' de current schedule. We just got re-organized, and Remy prefer to settle people in first."

Current schedule? Doug hadn't been aware that there was a schedule in Remy's mind. But he supposed it made sense. Remy considered every angle, constantly. And he'd tell Doug if he felt he needed to know.

"Moving on, then," he said, brushing slightly damp hands against his pants. "I owe you an apology. Three of them, actually." He took a deep breath. "First, for not saying anything about Belladonna. I had some ridiculous catastrophe built up in my mind, and I let that get in the way of doing what I should have."

Now that he'd started, it was easier to go on, though. "I also owe you an apology for being a self-righteous prick after that. I stomped on a lot of peoples' trust." He sighed. "And I owe you an apology for going behind your back to Wanda about my therapy and possibly resigning. I was too scared to face you, after everything else. So I chickened out." He jammed his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting with them. "I just...needed to say I'm sorry. For all of it."

"Ah." Remy thumbed off the tablet and set it aside, leaning back in his chair. He'd known about Doug's therapy; one element of being an intelligence operative is that you never really turned it off, and he had his own reasons for tracking Doug's activites after work hours. "Doug, you've made it clear dat in you mind, you work for Pete and Emma. Dat's going to inform how you approach things, and Wisdom wouldn't have hired you if he didn't trust you to make the decision dat you felt was de right one when forced into a situation. Sometimes dose loyalties are going to clash, like wit' Belladonna. However, if you going to make decisions on you own because you scared of what I might say, den we have a larger problem and it's all based on trust."

"That's what I mean," Doug said. "I haven't given you any reason to trust me, and going to Wanda because I was afraid of you was juvenile. It was 'I'm scared of dad, so I'll go to mom instead'. That wasn't fair to you." It was difficult to admit, but he knew it was the truth. "I shouldn't be picking and choosing who I answer to."

"Dat's not entirely true." One of Doug's salient problems in Remy's mind was that he seemed to want to answer to everyone. "Doug, dis is a business where conflicted loyalties get you killed. I'm not talking about a need for mindless followers, but if you are trying to segment who needs to be listened to and trusted in a hierarchy in you head, dis is going to happen again. I'm not even talking just about de Hellfire Club. Remy talking about de day to day business of what we do and how dat information travels about."

"Understood," Doug acknowledged. "And I guess that's what I'm getting at. I -don't- want this to happen again. Because you're absolutely right about the possibility of it getting me - or someone else - killed." And that was something he knew they'd been extremely lucky to avoid, especially when Remy himself had been captured. "And...I know the proof is in actions and all, but I wanted you to know I understand the problem, at least."

"So what's you solution, Doug? De next time de needs of de White Court and Emma Frost end up at cross-purposes wit' ours?" His voice was calm and measured, but his gaze was arresting. It was in part the strange colours that his mutation left his gaze, but also the intensity. "Be honest wit' yourself here. If you trying to serve different masters, which one wins when dey come to a point where dey disagree? Dat's something dat I need to know Doug, both for you sake and de team's."

Doug shook his head. He wasn't sure what Remy wanted from him in that regard. He felt pinned down, and if he gave the wrong answer, he might never be in the field again. He stopped, taking a deep breath. He realized he was catastrophizing, just like so many other times. "I can't just stand there and give you a definitive answer," he said slowly. He wasn't sure if Remy would like it or not, but it was the truth. "I mean, I can't just stand here in your office and predict that without knowing who might be involved, or what might be at stake." "Den dats a problem. Dat's why Emma isn't part of our network, despite de fact dat she provides a good part of our funding." Remy said. "You are well aware dat her goals and our goals don't always align. Dat's not necessarily a bad thing; our goals and de ones of de X-Men don't always either. But dat's why we're not X-Men either."

Remy leaned back, breaking the gaze for a moment, allowing the younger man to sag. "Dere are days dat it seems like Remy been in dis business forever. Even I get tired of hard truths, you know." It was a rare honest statement from behind his normally guarded self. "However, I am responsible for dis team. De ones I put in de field are de ones I've made the judgement call on dat dey can handle demselves. Because if I'm not honest to myself about it, and dey get killed, I'm de one dat did it, as certain as if Remy put de gun to dere head and pulled de trigger myself. If dis is going to work, you going to have to make a decision, Doug. Either you trust us, including Remy, about de Hellfire Club and what you're involved in, or you need to accept dat you're a risk we can't afford outside of dis building."

"I trust you." Looking back, Doug saw that his decision to not say anything about Belladonna had broken the trust of his teammates, because it said that he hadn't trusted them. And appearances mattered. Trust had to be complete, without reservation. "I trusted your plan in Genosha. I'm sorry I let my fear get in the way of trusting you with what was happening with me afterward."

"You understand what's involved in dat, Doug, right?" The question wasn't accusatory. LeBeau never lied to himself; the monster in the back of his head and the memories associated with it made that too dangerous. Which meant he didn't generally let other people get away with it for too long if it impacted their jobs. "Maybe where you be happiest is wit' Emma and de Court. What you'd do for us would still be valuable - it's not like you're abandoning people. Doug, dis is you future we talking about. Once you commit, one way or another, its a long and bloody fight to get off dat path. No judgements, no threats, no sales pitch here." Remy spread his hands. "Dis is 'bout what's best for you going forward. You tell me where you think you need to be?"

"I need to be out there. With you." To Doug, if he was stuck shuffled off to the side, sitting in the server room, then he might as well have never left the mansion. They also serve who stand and wait, but if he'd wanted to do that, he could have just stayed with the X-Men. "I think being White Knight is necessary, but the Court is never going to make me happy."

"De White Knight position is necessary. But understand dat dis choice means dat if it comes down to de White Court and us, it's our mission dat takes priority, Doug. If we have to burn de whole Hellfire Club to de ground one day, I expect dat you'll be beside us pouring on de gasoline. You sure you can do dat? And are you sure if dat's de case, Emma still wants you as White Knight?" Remy held up his hand before Doug could speak. "Don't tell me now. Sleep on it. Talk to Emma and anyone else you think you should about it. I need you here for de next few days regardless for some work. Give me you answer after, once you sure."

"Fair enough." Doug turned toward the door, then looked back over his shoulder. "I'll tell you right now, though. The Club, this office, the brownstone? I'd throw it all on the pyre, just so long as I can watch Belladonna burn."

"Go after Belladonna dat way, and dat's exactly what's going to happen. A word of advice-" Remy folded his hands and rested his chin on them. "-vengence is best saved for when dere's nothing left to live for. And if it comes to dat, Belladonna's already won. We beat her by saving what we have, not sacrificing it to win."

"I know." Doug was self-aware enough to recognize his tendency to hold grudges too closely, and his desire for revenge running too hot at times. Which didn't make Belladonna's position on the Black Court stick in his craw any less, but it did keep the rational part of his brain in control of his baser impulses. "I'll think on what you've said."