Frank and Maddie: Wingmanning 101

[x-pinnochio.livejournal.com]

In which Maddie makes the joke we've all been waiting for.

The library was empty and silent but for Frank and the scratching of his pencil. In front of him lay the complete works of Shakespeare, open at Romeo and Juliet, and a critical assessment of same next to it. A dead cup of coffee sat next to him, long forgotten in his scribblings. All in all, he was the picture of a model student.


A chair scraped across the floor as Maddie dragged into place beside Frank where she sat upon it backwards, her arms resting on top of the chair's back. She studied him for a moment, wondering if she should interrupt his obviously studious studying, but then noticed he was only reading Romeo and Juilet which was totally boring anyways. Clearly, despite his appearance, Frank needed to be saved from the totally cliche filled work.


"You better not let Hot Librarian Lady catch you with coffee in her domain," she warned and pulled the cup farther from him to keep him from accidentally knocking it over. "You might not ever walk again."

Frank smirked, but didn't look up. "Nah, she likes me," he said. "I helped her clean out the books after Holi. At most, she might give me a limp. Limps are cool. House said so." He scribbled some more, finishing off a sentence with a flourish, and looked at Maddie. "So. What can I do for you, Pryor?"

Eyeroll. "Scars are cool, limps, eh..." She held out one hand and rocked it back and forth, signifying her feelings of ambivalence. "And it's not what you can do for me, Frank. It's what I can do for you." The redhead leaned forward and poked Frank firmly in the chest before settling back in her chair.

Frank had been about to point out Maddie's clear lack of taste in physical ailments in men when she poked him. He raised an eyebrow at that. "...What can you do for me? More importantly, will I need a lawyer after you do it?" he asked, only half joking. He'd heard stories about Maddie.

"I can help you pick up chicks." She gave him a wry smile.

"...I repeat, will I need a lawyer? Because when a telepath says something like that, I get nervous."

Another eyeroll. Guys could be so jumpy sometimes. She leaned in, reaching covering the text in front of him with her hands. "Look. Your mutation wins for most useless one ever, you took the crown from Hope," Maddie explained. "I mean ghosting out? Leaving your body vulnerable like that? And it's not like she could do anything. Except freak people out, which is pretty awesome in and of itself. But I digress." She steeled her gaze; this was about to get important, she had to make sure he was paying attention.

"I found a way to use your incredibly sucky mutation to your advantage. Are you ready?"

"Pickup lines."

Frank blinked. Stared at her. "Pickup lines," he repeated blankly. "My mutation's greatest advantage to me is... pickup lines." A beat. "...Are these jokes about me getting wood?"

"Well not like there's much else you can really do with it," she replied, unblinking, completely serious. "So you want to hear my genius or do you want to be forever single?"

"Do I have a choice?" He asked, leaning back in his chair. "Alright, hit me. But if I've heard these before, you owe me coffee. And I will have heard these before."

Obviously Frank didn't understand the magnitude of what was happening here, the level of genius he was about to experience. But he would, he would. "Let's start with the simplest, shall we?" Maddie retracted her hands and they resumed their prior place on the top of the chair. "'Want to see why they call me 'Treeman'?', when someone asks you what kind of tree you turn into: 'Hardwood'... Introduce yourself to a lady with a variation of the following: 'Hi. I'm Frank. And full disclosure: I'm a mutant. Yeah. I turn into a tree. And when you walked by just now you turned my wood hard.'

"And my favorite: 'If you tap me, maple syrup comes out.' Yeah yeah yeah, I know you make maple syrup by boiling a bunch of sap, but this works better."

Frank barked a laugh at that last one. "I think the comedy makes it okay. I'll give you that one, man. Okay." He leaned forward. "Keep going."

"I'm sorry, but do I look like a dancing monkey?" Maddie flipped her hair in that way those popular "mean girls" did, the one that conveyed more than a hint of derision. "I don't think so. That's all I got. It's not like I spend all my time thinking up pickup lines because a) I have a girlfriend and b) when I'm with said girlfriend we tend to focus on far more important things."

"That's right, rub it in," said Frank dryly, smiling a little to take the sting out of it. "Seriously, just cause your girlfriend's the hottest woman in the school doesn't mean you have to show off." He glanced back at his text book, and (realising there was no way in hell he was going to get any work done while Maddie wanted his attention) slapped it closed.

Maddie preened like a peacock, beaming, sitting up straight in her chair, cause yeah, Sue was gorgeous, and yeah Maddie was totally proud of the fact that they were dating. But she couldn't let this turn into something about her; creating awesomely awful pickup lines based on a mutation that turn someone into a tree was very important business. "What do you say we go top off that coffee," she asked, sobering off. "And discuss really bad wood-slash-erection pickup lines. You can put off Romeo and Juilet for a little bit so your brain doesn't dribble out of your ears from the teenage melodrama."

"Seriously, the morals of that story are: teenagers are impulsive and stupid, and love at first sight doesn't really exist. Come on, don't make me return to my totally boring history assignment. We don't even get into the really fun parts."

"What, you want him to have them screw on stage? That's a different kind of show, Maddie. You want that, maybe try Tijuana instead of London," Frank groused, smirking. "Screw it. Why not. I think I saw bearclaws in the fridge too." He pushed his book into his backpack, hoisted it onto his back and picked up his coffee. "Heard the treeman one before, by the way."

"Well it's a pretty obvious one," the redheaded conceded as she too rose from her seat and pushed it back into its proper place. Not the most creative of creations she had ever created, but hey, even the most brilliant of minds needed a break from the heavy thinking every now and again. Which was why they were taking a break. So why were they wasting time talking?

Offering her arm to the Treeman, Maddie continued with her speakings. "To the fridge?"

He took it gallantly, and gestured dramatically. "To the fridge!"