xp_logs | [Manuel, Marie] What all he done ain't no one's business

Manuel comes to talk to Marie Saturday night to apologize for catching her up in his personal drama. They talk about her interest in him and lighter things. He christens her an honourary Spaniard and forgets not to touch her. No catastrophe, yet. She takes care of his concerns and feeds him dinner, again.

Manuel, still looking too-pale and too-skinny, is walking the halls looking for something. He is dressed in his now-usual black, which suits his moods like a glove. He comes to a stop at the shared suite for Shinobi and Marie, draws a deep breath, and knocks upon her door.

"Come on in." Marie is sitting at the table, reading over course notes for the next part of the semester. Her cheeks and nose are lightly sunburnt, she's freshly showered and changed into her pyjamas after spending all day out at the amusement park with Shinobi and Sarah.

Manuel opens the door and walks in, closing the door behind him very carefully. "Hola." he says carefully, trying (and mostly failing) to put some warmth into his voice.

"Hey, honey." Marie puts her notes down and gets to her feet. "How are you? You want to sit down for a bit?" She gestures for him to take a seat in the living area if he likes.

Manuel takes the seat, moving very slowly and deliberately. "I am ... better than I was, at the least." he says, twisting his face into an almost half-smile. "It is hard, though."

Marie leans on the back on the other chair, looking him over seriously. "I know it is. I can tell. I'm glad you're better than you were. I was worried about you. I still am."

Manuel has the good grace to look embarrassed. "Yes, about that. I am sorry you had to get involved in that. I made an ass of myself there. It was undignified. It won't happen again."

"I'm not sorry. You were suffering, Manuel. There's no real rules of conduct for it." Marie moves to sit down in the chair, elbows on her knees, close but not too close. "And it might happen again. We'll get through it if it does. I know you're trying and I know you hate this."

"You have no idea." he says drily. "But I do not intend to make an ass of myself in public any longer. My problems are my own concern now - I do not intend to involve others in them. And do you know if Amanda will be allowed to return to the Mansion or not? I have had no word, and my emails have gone unanswered."

"How you handle things is between you and Dr. Samson and whoever else is involved. But Shinobi and I... we're your friends. We don't exactly count as public, you know." Marie watches him closely as she delivers the next piece of information. "If I get my timezones right, Amanda will be back tomorrow. I didn't realize her journal was being blocked from your access."

Manuel actually _smiles_ for the first time in weeks. "That is excellent news! Has she been updating her journal while she has been away? I hadn't noticed. And while, yes, you are my friends - it is not right to expect you to clean up after me every time I have a boo-boo." he says with a sneer. "I must do this myself if it is to mean anything at all."

"Yes, she has," Marie says, smiling back. "She sounds like she's doing exceptionally well. And as for you... I know you want to be independant, and I respect that. That's why I /don't/ mind helping when you need it. I think you won't take it for granted and you're too proud to take advantage of it."

Manuel looks vaguely pained by the idea. "No, I don't really see that happening. Which reminds me - my memory is really terrible of late, but I think I remember you mentioning some books about how to tell what people feel ... ?"

"Yes, there's a few public resources and I'm sure there's a lot of private ones that Madelyn could get hold of, on things like face and body reading. There's also some psychiatric books on emotional responses and thought-cascades, how thoughts trigger emotions." Marie sits back, looking thoughtful. "I think that Emma probably would be helpful there too. Isn't that what she covers in Speech, at least in part?"

"Now that you make me think of it, yes, that is more-or-less what she has been trying to say. Hrm." he muses. "But if you have those books, I would like to borrow them."

"I've got a psychotherapy book on treatment and thoughts and emotions and triggers and such." Marie gets up and goes to a heavily laden bookshelf next to the television. She crouches down and begins to read through the titles on the lower shelf. "I've not seen what Madelyn could come up with, but I know I'd be interested in it myself. It's cool stuff."

Manuel hrms as he watches Marie root through her book case. "May I ask you a question?" he says quietly.

"Sure thing." Marie pulls out a book and opens it to the index, frowning a little.

"Why? Why are you so helpful? It can't just be because you are concerned about me, or that you actually care. So ... why?" he asks.

Marie sits down on the floor with her back to the bookcase. "There's a few reasons," she says honestly. "Part of it is that I care and I am concerned about you and you were honest with me at the start and I respected and appreciated that. There's also the fact that I have someone in my head who was tormented and disempowered and abused and who went on to become something very horrible and frightening, and I don't want to see you become that as well."

Manuel ahs, as if some random factoids have collided in his brain to yield new, interesting conclusions. "I see. You don't want me to be ... him. Tell me about him, then?"

Marie shrugs. "He was a boy who lost everything and gained nothing. He is a survivor of Auschwitz, him alone out of his family. He was never nurtured, never healed. He learned to hate. He hates himself, he hates humans, he hates the weak among mutants. It is not the details in which I see echoes, though. It's in the death of compassion, the fear, the loneliness and isolation..."

"Interesting." Manuel says, pausing to think for a few seconds. "I can see why you would feel concerned."

"It's not just that I'm afraid you'll turn out that way, though," Marie says, getting to her feet with the book in her hand. "It's that... I've seen inside him. And it isn't just frightening, not as simple as evil." She stops in front of Manuel and offers him the book. There are tears in her eyes and she blinks them away. "It's sad. And it's terrible and it's painful. And it's lonely."

Manuel looks incredibly sympathetic. "No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, people will hate you for just being what you are. You cannot do good, you are always burdened with the knowledge that no one will care, and that you are alone. Even those who claim they care will turn their backs and drive the knife in. " He takes the book and places it in his lap. "I know all of these things. So is it better to suffer for your redemption, or to take arms against a sea of troubles?"

"I'd say you're wrong, but I can't, not when I know the perspective from the other side. He is convinced that he is doing what is right. As deeply as Charles is, even." Marie sits back down in her chair. "Only you can decide for yourself what your path is, Manuel, but right now you haven't even gotten a good look at all your options. And here, this way, it is not so lonely. It is more frightening and the risks are greater at times, but there is so much good to be had, not just good to be done. I want you to have a chance to feel what I've felt, what keeps me here. Trust and love and all those things."

Manuel fingers the bracelet around his wrist. "I could do that, easily, but now, I cannot. It is like being blind, in a way. People have no depth, no real substance. Now it is not as bad, but still. Imagine that, when you see people, they all looked flat and unreal to you. It is hard to see them as real sometimes."

"I don't mean that I want you to feel my feelings," Marie shakes her head. "I want you to feel it for yourself, your own emotions. I know that it seems like you are blind right now, but there are other ways to see. And this way, your feelings are your own and you begin to find yourself."

"Whether I want to or not." he adds wryly. "Whether I want to or not. I am not a very nice person, by American standards." he admits.

"No." Marie smiles and tucks her feet up under her. "So what?"

Manuel looks confused by the question, like it wasn't what he had expected. "So ... doesn't that anger you? Don't you want to change me into what you think I should be? Everyone else does."

Marie shakes her head. "Doesn't anger me a bit Why would I want to make you into something you aren't? That's the /opposite/ of what I want from you, Manuel. I want you to get to /be who you are/, whoever that is. And I know from experience that it's damn near impossible to do with other people in your head." She runs her fingers through her hair and sighs. "I don't want to change you any more than I want to change Logan. He's not very nice either, by some accounts. But I respect and appreciate who and what he is, as he is."

"Surprising." he says, leaning back in his chair. "What if Manuel is cruel and likes it? What then? Would you tell him to change then?"

Marie meets Manuel's eyes as she talks. "Liking being cruel is a natural thing, I think. Power. Pain. Both are very enjoyable when applied in the proper combination. I like hurting people who have hurt me. It makes me very happy when I'm in the right state of mind. I make the choice not to act that way in general, though, because I prefer to live a different life and I value other things above it. I would only regret that Manuel didn't get the chance to experience something that made him want to rise above that love of cruelty, and I would be deeply sorry that some day we might be at odds."

Manuel looks back at Marie and shrugs. "I didn't say he was, I was merely curious at how far your tolerances extend. Cruelty is only fun sometimes."

"I think my tolerance extend beyond most people's, and I'm sure I'll catch hell for it in the end." Marie gestures dismissively. "But I can't see the inside of "evil" and understand it and just shrug that off. I can't see the world in black and white, I literally don't have the capacity to do so. In some ways, I guess I am a little of all the people in me, because I can see the world through their eyes if I try. And the people in me are almost exclusively not good people, by any definition of the word."

"I used to get so _frustrated_ with people. They're so _stupid_ - they can't see the obvious right in front of their faces. He wants her, but he won't admit it to her on pain of death. She is starving to death, but can't bring herself to eat. I guess I still do, although now I'm just as dumb as they are - if not more so. Life, ahh, she is cruel sometimes." he muses. "I would laugh richly, if I weren't the butt of this joke."

Marie laughs a little at that. "The learning curve is a bitch, isn't it? And people are stupid. We all are, it's part of being human. But some of us learn and many of us are trying, at least. Welcome to the jungle, so to speak."

Manuel absently picks up a pencil from the table by his chair, and proceeds to twirl it between his fingers while he thinks. "I didn't used to be that dumb. It is ... humbling, in a way, how much I relied on my ability. But I didn't have anyone to tell me that using it was wrong."

"I know." Marie doesn't nitpick at the idea that she thinks it's not wrong for Manuel to use his abilities, just to use them the way he was taught and to use them exclusively without moderation. "And that was, in its way, unfair and damaging, from the looks of things."

"I didn't have much of a choice back then." he admits. "Suppose this is my just desserts, isn't it? All of this - the pain, the lack of power, the hatred, the suspicion."

"I can't say if it's what you deserve or not. I don't think that it's a useful thing, at the least." Marie shrugs. "I do know that it's not what I'd like to see happen to you and I want it to get better. I want you to get better and be a whole, healthy person, whoever he may be."

Manuel shrugs. "Like my father used to tell me - 'Manuelito, if you want something, you had better be prepared to either take it. Everything, and everyone, has their price.' Guess I know now what mine is."

"And what would that be?"

Manuel just smiles sadly. "I wanted a friend." is all he says.

Marie frowns a little at that. "I wanted to be your friend. I said I would be."

Manuel nods sadly. "Of course, of course. I consider you a friend - it is very odd. I've never really had a girl-friend before. You don't want me, and most girls do. But I know you like men."

Marie nods. "I do like men, but you're very much not my type. I don't think sexual attraction precludes friendship, either. Still... if it helps, you can just not think of me as a girl," she offers.

Manuel smirks at that. "Impossible." he says, gesturing in Marie's chest's general direction. "You're probably better off the way you are."

Marie looks down at herself and then rolls her eyes at Manuel. "Men," she says with no small amount of exasperation. "As you wish, then."

"Not _my_ choice, remember?" he says with another honest-to-Someone smile. "You're the mutant who doesn't find Spaniards sexy. It is a difficult cross to bear, but somehow I shall endure."

"Can you ever forgive me?" Marie asks, with an exaggerated Southen accent and a completely unapologetic grin.

"No. Revenge will be mine someday. I must have you for myself!" he says, exaggerating his own Spanish accent and keeping his smile pasted on.

"How dare you, sir!" Marie straightens, tosses her hair and gives him a look that's pure offended Southern belle. "I shall never surrender." She manages to keep the facade up for a moment and then begins to laugh.

Manuel joins in, his laugh sounds strained and artificial, like he's forgotten how and is trying to remember. "I'm a Spaniard. We're all insufferable. Didn't Inigo teach you _anything_?"

"I liked Inigo. And I like insufferable people," Marie says, smiling. "It's been suggested that I am one myself."

Manuel smiles for a second, and then without thinking reaches out to draw a line across Marie's forehead with his fingertip. "Then I hereby dub thee an honorary Spaniard." he intones, giving her an imaginary crown before the contact with her skin starts to draw away at his very essence.

Marie manages not to startle at the contact, even when his power leaps toward her in a flash. Only recent experience has taught her to be less afraid of herself. She stiffens briefly, but when the contact ends, she smiles at Manuel. "I'm honoured." There is a sincerity to it that it at odds with the levity of their play the moment before.

Manuel shakes his finger and then sticks it in his mouth like he'd burned it. "That was stupid. I forgot. I'm sorry." he says, still trying to blink the stars out of his eyes.

"Your mutation is quite wild, it's so close up under your skin," she says seriously. "Like it's trying to get out. I don't blame it." There is a streak of sensation across her brow, like someone stroked an ice cube over her skin, but it is fading already.

Manuel nods. "It doesn't like being thwarted. It gets restless." he says, speaking of his power in the third person. "Yours ... feels very odd. Like there was something ... familiar about it. I don't know, maybe it's just the filter."

"Maybe when things are more stable, we'll know more," Marie says. "They're doing all sorts of scans and tests on me now. Who knows what will show up. Mine, it gets restless too sometimes. It's avaricious."

"Perhaps." he says, settling back in his chair and still sucking on his fingertip. "My finger is still buzzing." he complains.

"Well, I think we're lucky that's not all that's buzzing," Marie says wryly. "It'll fade. I always wonder what it feels like for the other person."

"I hope so. My fingertip is hyper-sensitive. Did anything make it through on your end?" he asks, apparently quite curious.

Marie gives this some thought. "Not much, really. A hint of desperation and pain and loss," she says at last. "A glimmer of amusement, very small. And many echoes that are hard to make out. But that's it. It was very brief and it's already dissolving."

Manuel holds his hand out to Marie. "I am curious now - would you like to see more? Maybe if you knew you could help me better..."

Marie looks at Manuel's hand, and then at his face. "I want to," she says slowly. "I've thought about it before, you know, if it would help you, if I offered. But now, I don't think now is the right time. I would need to make some preparations if I were to be any real use, as strong as your power seems to be."

Manuel lets his hand drop. "I understand. Perhaps another time, when we are both better prepared? I think it would help me, if someone else knew what I experience. I tried it before, but it did not go very well." he says somewhat cryptically.

Marie nods. "I think it might. I would just have to know what to do with you, and your power, once it was in me. I would like to have made arrangements for that."

"It is not a very nice power. It likes to be used, to see, to play. It gets defensive sometimes - when I am in distress, it removes the source of the distress so that I feel better. This is why Angelo's comments hit me so hard. I didn't have that reaction like I usually do." he says.

"No safety," Marie says with a great deal of sympathy. "Mine... I am still afraid of it some. I will have to work on that more, if I am to help with yours in any way."

"I would trade with you, if I could. For just a little while." he says with all sincerity.

Marie reaches out and touches his bare hand with her gloved one. "If we could, I would do that. But since we cannot, I think I will try and prepare myself so that I could know yours. Would you let someone do tests on me while I had your power?"

Manuel nods. "You can do whatever you need to do to examine my power more fully." he says. "Just do not damage my power, and do not take drugs to suppress or enhance it. It doens't like that much."

Marie nods. "I wouldn't do that. It would defeat the purpose. It might not last long, maybe a half hour at most even as strong as it is. Still," she shrugs. "It could surprise me. So I will be prepared not to be very happy. I will also know more about you that I will likely ever want to know. You can only have my word that I won't betray you with what you give me."

"You already know enough that you could destroy me if you really wanted to. The risk is ... minimal, from that perspective." He stops to think for a second, and then looks at Marie again. "What do I do if you decide that you like my power too much, and do not wish to give it back?"

"It doesn't work that way," Marie says reassuringly. "You will only be without it for a time. It is like... it will teach my body to have your power, and that will make it tired, and it will be gone from you. Then it will come back when it is rested."

Manuel ahs. "I see now. All right. I am at your disposal, if you wish to do this for me." he says. He then stretches his too-thin body, causing a crescendo of pops to come from his spine. "Aaah, that's better." he purrs.

"That sounded like you might have relaxed a little," Marie observes. "And I'll let you know when I have things arranged, and we can discuss the logistics of the transfer more."

"Absolutely. I don't anticipate going anywhere any time very soon. And don't classes start up again soon? How does that work?" he asks.

"Classes resume as usual on Monday, is that what you mean?"

"Yes, I suppose so. Am I expected to go?" he asks.

"If you feel able and no one's suggested you shouldn't, I think so." Maries bites her lip, looking concerned. "You don't have many classes, and Emma teaches one, right? Are you nervous about going?"

"Yes." he admits. "Kwannon was my Psionics teacher."

Marie winces at that. "I don't know if Betsy will be teaching that class, but... do you want someone to go with you to classes tomorrow?"

Manuel stops to think about it. "It might not be a bad idea. Sometimes, the filter makes it very hard to think."

"Who would you like for company?" Marie gets up and goes to get her course schedule to see if she or Shinobi will be free during Manuel's classes.

Manuel stops for a second to watch Marie's posterior, smiling in the memory of their conversation from earlier. "Oh, I don't know. It would be nice to have somebody to be with, to help me when I need it."

Marie tucks her hair back behind her ears, frowning thoughtfully at her book. "Well, I'm free for Speech and Psionics. I could go to those with you tomorrow, just to make sure you're on your feet. I can ask Shinobi if he'd be willing to go to... ESL, is that your only other class?"

"ESL I'm not too worried about. It is Speech and Psionics that concern me. Psych shouldn't be too bad, I can get Doug to give me the notes as usual. Assuming he will - I hadn't thought of that. Crap."

"We're talking about Doug here," Marie looks over at Manuel through her white bangs, which have already slithered out of order to fall into her eyes. "I'm sure he won't shirk something like that over personal feelings."

"Can I risk it, really? I am doing fairly well in that class, as far as I know. But I depend on his translations - I cannot read the textbook." he frets.

"We'll get it worked out," Marie says reassuringly. "You're not risking anything."

Manuel releases a breath he didn't know he was holding. "That's a relief."

"Manny, I am not going to let people screw up your schooling over this," Marie says tartly, making some notes in her daybook. "You're here, there's been problems, you're trying to fix them, we have to work with what's gone on. I can't say anything for your social life, but I can say that I won't let your grades suffer at the least."

Manuel nods in relief, and leans back in his chair to streeeeeetch again. "Well, it is getting somewhat late, and I have kept you for most of the day."

"Go on and get some rest, if you can. And don't forget to eat." Marie gives him a stern look.

Manuel manages to look defiantly sheepish. "I will try." he says, not making any promises. "I don't want to run into Lorna."

"If you're hungry, come sit down." Marie points at one of the chairs at the dining table, away from the array of her papers. "I'll make you something before you go."

Manuel's stomach growls in agreement with Marie's offer. "I think I will." he says sheepishly. "I have not been keeping much down over the last few days."

"Well, that won't do." She puts her book down and heads for the kitchen to check the contents of the fridge. "Let's see. Think you'd be okay with some chicken and pasta? Maybe chicken alfredo?"

Manuel shrugs. "If you put it in front of me, I'll eat it." he says. "I am hungry."

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title and tag from "Walking Spanish" by Tom Waits