Somewhere I Belong - Waking Up

[x-topaz.livejournal.com]

Topaz wakes up in the Box...with no memory of how she ended up there.



Waking up in an unfamiliar place wasn't exactly new to Topaz. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't new.

Opening her eyes took so much more effort than it should have - her head was pounding horribly, and she felt as if there was something physically weighing her entire body down. What the hell had happened?

"Hey. How're you feeling?"

The voice came from a chair that had been set up in the corner of the room. Topaz found the student counselor looking up at her. He had obviously been there for some time, and just as obviously been killing that time playing some game on his phone.

"We're in the Box," Jim explained as he pocketed the device. "We thought you might need some quiet."

"Quiet?" The word was surprisingly confusing, until she realized it was indeed quiet - quiet in her head, no other emotions, just her own bewilderment. Well...that was nice. Topaz pushed herself, her hands coming up to rub her temples. Ow. "What happened?"

The counselor gave her a lopsided smile. "You had a little incident. And by incident I mean knocked yourself out by draining almost half a dozen people. Hang on."

The telepath got up and went to the door; there were two, with a small intermediate chamber in between so the room's occupant wasn't exposed to psychic bleed when visitors came and left. A moment later he returned, this time with Amanda.

"How're you feeling?" Amanda looked worried and the question was out almost as soon as the door closed behind her. "You all right, Topaz? You frightened us half to death."

Topaz blinked a couple of times, exhaustion still pulling at her brain as she tried to keep up. "Can we...back up? What do you mean I drained almost half a dozen people?"

"You had a kind of breakdown," Amanda said, as gently as she could. "Your powers... they went out of control."

"Scott said it had something to do with Frank," Jim prompted, tilting his head. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Frank?" Topaz scrubbed her face, thinking hard. "I haven't seen him since the other...no, that was Matt." Why was her mind so muddled? She shook her head, blinking again, just trying to focus. She couldn't remember. Couldn't remember seeing Frank. Certainly couldn't remember draining anyone. Why couldn't she remember?

Jim traded a glance with Amanda, then turned back to Topaz. "You've never drained more than one person at a time, have you?" he asked.

It was the first question she could confidently answer. "No. Never seemed like a good idea." Too many emotions at the same time.

"I think it isn't," Jim said with not-so-subtle irony. "It sounds like you got buried by taking in all those other emotions at once. All the extra thoughts and feelings in there -- you couldn't sublimate them like you usually can, so your brain went into lockdown."

Topaz rubbed her eyes again, trying to fight through the fog. "Why don't I remember?" She finally asked, her voice surprisingly small. It scared her that she couldn't remember. More than she was willing to let on.

"You will, you just need to let your brain rest a bit," Amanda reassured as confidently as she could - the telepaths and doctors had been as hopeful as they could about Topaz's recovery. "It's a bit bruised right now from the overload, that's all. Some rest and time out in here and you'll be good as new."

"But..." Why had she done that in the first place? What was she trying to accomplish? She'd stopped screwing around with draining emotions after Tandy. She knew how much trouble this could - and probably would - get her in.

Having some idea of where her mind must be going, Jim held up a hand. "Before you get ahead of yourself, we're treating this as a powers accident. One you should apologize to your classmates and the staff for, but not a willful act. The professor and I both know taking in more emotions is at the opposite end of your personal goals." He fixed his odd-colored eyes on her. "I heard you've been hiding out for the last couple of days."

Well he said that now... "Have I?" She rubbed her head again - couple of days? "Wait, what day is it?" How much time had she lost, exactly?

"Same day," Jim assured her. "It's only been a couple of hours. But I'm told you've been avoiding people. "Jim paused before adding, "Even more than usual, I mean. Do you remember that?"

Topaz closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think. "I...think so?" Uncertainty made it more of a question. "I was in one of the unused classrooms..." Which made no sense whatsoever. If she wanted to hide she went to the library.

"In the unused wing?" Amanda blinked. "I used to do that, back in the day. It's easy to get some private time there." She glanced at Jim. "Was it what happened with Taboo that made you hide?"

She shook her head without really thinking - everything that had happened with Luca - Taboo - seemed so far off now. But then what had driven her into hiding like that? "I...think I was trying to get away." It made no sense, but it was what seemed to be standing out the most.

"From what?" Jim asked.

Good question. Topaz frowned, biting her lower lip as she tried to make sense of something in her head. Okay, focus. What was the last thing she clearly remembered? Her eyes shifted for a moment to the two people with her - talking to Amanda and Haller. She'd left Haller's office, and...

"Everything." The answer came out of nowhere, and Topaz brought her hands up to rub her temples again, grimacing. "I...I couldn't block anyone out, I was trying to..." What?

"Stabilize?" the telepath suggested gently.

"...I don't know." Topaz was entirely frustrated and not doing much to hide it. "I don't remember." The finer workings of her mind at the time were a complete mystery. "All I remember are emotions. A lot of emotions." To say the least.

"Let's back up," Jim said. "What I'm hearing is that you were keeping your distance from people because your shields were thinned. Correct?"

"I...think so?" It was the only thing that made sense. Except she had no idea how that would have happened. She was careful about keeping her shields up. Always.

"Mm." Jim exchanged another look with Amanda as he continued, "Your shields directly correspond to your own emotional state."

"They do?" Topaz was entirely too slow on the uptake here.

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Remember what it was like after the Slendermen? Same principle. The more you have going on internally, the less you have to block the external."

Amanda nodded. "So, after the thing with Taboo, you had so much going on in your own head, your shields were messed up. Like a wall getting pounded on from both sides. Something had to give."

She was starting to catch up now. "So...my shields gave out because what? I wouldn't talk about what happened?" It sounded ridiculous.

"Pretty much, yeah. And not just what happened with Taboo, but all of it. Everything stressful or painful built up until you couldn't cope any more." Amanda's tone held a touch of remembrance of her own tendency to bottle things up with explosive results.

"Which is normal, by the way. Stress has physical effects like insomnia, loss of appetite, sometimes other stuff. Mutants are prone to expressing it with their powers. In your case, your ability to deal with emotions depends on being able to force them below your own. If you couldn't keep them out . . . oh." Thin shields, stress -- Jim winced as a thought struck him. "Logic can go off the rails a little when it's loud in your head. Did you maybe . . . 'forget' that absorption only shifts emotion, not eliminates it?"

Topaz could only stare for a long moment. "No, I..." She wouldn't do that. Right? But it...almost made sense. Everything except one key detail - she would never forget something so important.

She seemed to be forgetting a lot lately, though. "It's...possible," she finally muttered, swallowing hard. "Oh god," she half-groaned, curling her legs up under herself and burying her face in her hands. What the hell had she done?

Jim gave her a crooked smile. "It's okay. You've had a lot going on lately. Stress and psi powers don't mix well anyway. It can get . . . weird." He dropped into a crouch to bring himself closer to her buried face, voice warming a little. "Trust me, we understand. I work here and I still cause fire damage sometimes."

"It was an accident," Amanda reiterated. "You weren't coping and things went boom. It's happened to all of us."

At that exact moment, that didn't really make Topaz feel better. She scrubbed her face, forcing herself to look up again. This had to be a nightmare. "I'm sorry," she murmured. She wasn't sure what else to say at this point.

Jim shook his head. "It's okay. Like Amanda said, it was an accident. I can explain that." He paused a moment, looking at her face, then continued, "However, you do need to make that apology. I can explain what happened, but the people you drained need to know that you regret what you did and that you take responsibility for it. Okay?"

"Okay." Her voice was little more than a whisper. She could apologize, take responsibility. It was the least she could do.