xp_logs | Somewhere I Belong

Amanda and Topaz talk. As per usual, the conversation doesn't go the way Topaz is expecting.

The Box was a very disconcerting place.

It wasn't so much the fact that it was small, or confining (though the name was definitely something to be desired). It was...the quiet. Not just quiet as in there was no one else there, but quiet in Topaz's head too - complete silence, something that she hadn't had since she was thirteen.

It was strange.

There was a rapping at the door and then it slowly opened. Amanda, of course. She had a bookbag slung over her shoulder and she looked like she might have been crying at some point - there was a certain pink puffiness to her eyes. But she gave Topaz a soft smile as she paused in the doorway. "Hey, kiddo. Do you mind if I visit with you a bit?"

Topaz turned her eyes away from the ceiling, meeting Amanda's gaze - and trying to push down the guilt associated with the thought that she might have something to do with that look. That was just conceited. "Yeah," she mumbled, pushing herself up and curling her legs up under herself. "Sure."

Amanda came in, closing the door behind her with a solid thud and a hiss of displaced air. She perched herself on the edge of the cot in the small room, setting her bag beside her. "I brought food," she said, with a wry expression. "And tea. Since that's sort of mandatory by now." As she spoke, she was pulling a tupperware container, containing sandwiches, out of the bag, plus some fruit and a thermos of hot tea, made exactly the way Topaz liked it. "And some music and books to keep you occupied while you're in here." An iPad followed, with a set of headphones attached. "I was pretty sure my music wouldn't be exactly soothing, so I got some of the kids to make suggestions."

Of anything Topaz would have expected when Amanda walked in, this certainly hadn't been it. She blinked a couple of times, looking between the goodies and her teacher, trying to figure out what to say. She'd honestly been expecting the riot act, possibly being told it was time to pack her bags... "I..." The words weren't coming.

Amanda bit her lip, seeing herself in the nonplussed girl, the fear so obvious in the usually-guarded expression. "Topaz," she began, voice catching a little. "I want to apologise to you. I fucked this whole thing up."

And speaking of unexpected... "What?" The word - filled with absolute shock - slipped out before Topaz could stop it. She was the one who should have been apologizing - the one who had so wholly screwed up everything. "I...you don't..." She was having a bit of trouble organizing her thoughts enough to really talk. "You didn't." It was the best she could do.

"Yeah, I did. I took it personally when you didn't come to me about Taboo, and I didn't keep an eye on you after. I left you alone when I should have been keeping you close and I let you get away with that whole "I'm fine" bullshit." Amanda sighed. "I should have known something like this was brewing."

Topaz didn't know what to say. At all. "I should've gone to you," she said after a moment, averting her eyes to the wall. "I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry about all of this." She hated that she'd caused so much trouble, and she hated even more that she was responsible for hurting Amanda like this. Especially after everything Amanda had done for her.

"I know you are." Amanda sighed. "And I get it, too. Things just got too much for both of us to handle."

She was quiet for a long, long moment, eyes still firmly on the wall as she tried to figure out the best way to ask the next question. "Are...are they going to kick me out?" Her voice was small as she curled up a little tighter. She knew what Haller had said last night, but after everyone had had some time to think, would that change?

The sight broke Amanda's heart. "No, they're not," she said, getting up and sitting beside the smaller girl. "You made a mistake, and the Professor doesn't kick people out for mistakes. Especially when it's to do with you needing training in your empathy more than anything. They'll give you a little longer in here, until you feel a bit more stable and can shield again, and then we'll have a sit down and work this out. Together."

Topaz sucked in a breath, holding it for a moment as she tried to just think. Her head still hurt a bit. Finally she just nodded, bringing her hands up to rub her temples. Stable would have been nice.

"C'mere, kid." Amanda reached an arm over Topaz's shoulders, drawing the girl closer to her. "Things are a mess right now, I know. But I'll always have your back, yeah? No matter what, you can come to me." She leaned her cheek against the top of Topaz's head, feeling the tension in her student's frame. "You're stuck with me, now."

She stiffened the smallest bit as Amanda pulled her close - definitely hadn't been expecting that. "Yeah?" She managed to say after a moment, voice shaking just a little. Her eyes were starting to sting, and she brought a hand up quickly to rub them. No, no, no.

"Yeah," Amanda affirmed, not letting go. Whether Topaz admitted it or not, she needed this. Needed to let herself feel. "It's okay, Topaz. Whatever you do, I'll be right there. Whatever fuck up, I'll help you fix it. And I'll listen, whatever it is you need to say."

Except feeling was very...dangerous. "I..." Her voice cracked as she rubbed her eyes again, but it was a losing battle. She knew she needed to say something, but the words weren't coming. She relaxed a bit though, leaning against Amanda as the tears slipped free. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm sorry," she managed to get out.

"I know, love." Amanda slipped her free arm around Topaz, holding her in a firm hug. "I am, too. Things will get better, we'll work together on that, yeah?" She didn't need a verbal reply - Topaz's crumbling facade was reply enough - but she kept up the words as an anchor, just as much as the physical contact was.

It was the words that finally did it. One second Topaz was fighting for whatever composure she had left, the next the battle was over as she gave in, turning in Amanda's arms and pressing against her, almost clinging. It had been a long time since anyone had shown her any sort of physical affection. And Amanda was right - she needed this.

Tears of her own slipped down Amanda's face as she rocked Topaz slightly, smoothing her hair with one hand. "Let it go, love, let it all out," she murmured, not really paying attention to the words herself, just the sound. "It's all right."

And that was exactly what she did - days and months and years of suppressing came crashing down, and it took a good long while for Topaz to pull herself back under control. And even then it was tentative.

As the storm began to pass, Amanda pushed Topaz's hair away from her hot, wet face, before wiping her own with the back of her hand. She hazarded a slightly watery smile. "Better?"

Topaz tried to wipe her face, but it was all in vain. "Almost," she said in a mumble, taking a few deep, even breaths, just trying to calm herself down. After a moment she raised her eyes to meet Amanda's gaze and tried at a smile of her own.

Amanda was glad to see it, even as faint and wan as it was. "Well then, I know what we need," she said, giving Topaz another squeeze. "Cuppa tea?"