Garrison and Adrienne - Awkward Sex Talk

[x-adrienne.livejournal.com]

Garrison shares his feelings about losing his identity with Adrienne after she questions why they're having so much sex.

Mature themes/Possible trigger warning

"Look, I'm not saying I'd be surprised if you guys made a miraculous comeback," Adrienne defended as soon as she'd spat out her toothpaste into the sink in the bathroom of the Boston house she'd regained after defeating Wyngarde and rinsed her mouth out, "I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up yet? I mean, it's still a long way til October." Nighttime ablutions performed, she trotted out to the bed in her tank top and sleep shorts and climbed under the covers.

"Cold objective logic is for fantasy leagues, not fan support. The Jays could fall apart, but they could also tear Boston a new one and move into first by this time next week. I won't be betting my paycheck on it, but in obsessive uber-fan mentality, I'll burble it to anyone who stays still long enough to hear." He flipped off ESPN and tossed the remote back on to the night table. "Besides, nothing is as much fun as watching OriLOLes fans weep giant tears."

Kane slid in next to her and hit the light. It was almost stereotypically domestic, he mused, sliding an arm over her.

"That's true about the OriLOLes fans," Adrienne agreed, snuggling into him when he put his arm over her. "'Night, Slick," she said fondly, closing her eyes.

"Good night? It's a little early, don't you think?" Kane said softly in her ear, as his hand slid up her stomach and under the tank top.

"It's not that early," Adrienne pointed out. "And we have already done it twice on the couch this evening since leaving Fenway. And once in the box at Fenway because I wanted to make you feel better when the Sox were thrashing you guys and you coughed up the lead in such a lame way. I must be losing my touch if you've forgotten already," she pointed out, keeping her tone light and teasing.

"Perils of preternatural endurance; don't need a lot of sleep, don't need much encouragement." He muttered, kissing her neck. "Some people consider it a selling point."

Figuring she shouldn't ignore Jean and North's advice any longer, Adrienne reached across him and turned on the light. "I think maybe it's time to talk about this? I mean, is this because of the preternatural endurance?" she questioned, still trying to keep her tone light. "Is that really all this is?"

"Is what all really what all is? Because I think we're dangerously close to becoming a Peggy Lee song." Garrison said, looking puzzled.

"The... the sex thing," Adrienne tried to clarify, though she winced a little as she said it, worried she would hurt his feelings when she carried on. "The frequency of the sex we've been having. The fact we've been having sex pretty much every time we've looked at each other since we got back together. What's that about?" she questioned gently. "Is it because of your endurance? Even... even though you had the endurance thing going on when we were together before and we didn't have nearly as much sex? No-no judgments or anything," she added, putting her hands up defensively, "I'm not trying to be a... a prude, or, or... complain, or anything. I just... I mean, you know how I feel about you," she said in a reassuring tone, "so I don't think I need to say that I'm... y'know... not against the sex. I mean, I'm not. At all. it's just that... we've been having a lot of sex," she added with a nervous chuckle. "So I'm just wondering... what's up with that?" She would have carried on and given him her ideas for what she thought was going on, including her fears that this was somehow all her fault, but she left him with the question, figuring she could always explain herself later.

"I don't know. I went through over a year of not having sex unless magic was involved. Maybe I'm making up for it." He shrugged loosely. "I mean, it's not a big deal if you want to stop or something, eh? I just- you know, seemed like what we both wanted."

"Oh!" Adrienne laughed at his explanation, wondering if maybe she was really blowing this whole thing out of proportion. "Is that why?! Okay! That makes complete sense! Nonono, don't take it the wrong way," she assured him, "I'm not saying I want to stop, not at all. I just..." Even though she was now starting to feel kind of silly about being worried, she figured she owed him an explanation anyway. He kept saying he wanted them to discuss their issues together, after all, right? "I just wasn't sure if... if you were instigating all this sex because... because you told me you're having trouble knowing who you are, sexually, since Aikins, and this is like, a... a trauma thing, or something. Or... if you thought it's what I expect, or because you're trying to, like... impress me, or... you're worried about me dumping you if we're not having sex every time we look at each other, y'know? I just... I didn't want you to feel like you had to. For me. So I wanted to make it clear that you didn't have to. Or that if you were having, y'know, trauma, that I'm here to help and support you. But yeah, I guess I didn't factor in the 'making up for lost time' explanation," she finished sheepishly.

Kane stared off into the corner of the room, slumped back against the wall. After a moment, he shook his head. "When we have sex, I don't have to think. Or question anything. It just is. And because I never get to have that at any other time, it becomes a priority." He admitted slowly.

"Uhh..." Adrienne tried to meet his gaze, but he was staring at the wall. "Is that... normal? Sex as a priority, I mean? It... see," she muttered in a frustrated, self-deprecating tone, "maybe this whole thing is exacerbated by the fact that I don't actually know what 'normal' is when it comes to sex in relationships, since I've never had a healthy relationship before this one. And I'd hate for that to be true- that this is normal, and I made an issue out of something that's supposed to be normal. Because the realization that I'm creating an issue for us, yet again, because of my shitty personal baggage, would be really damned depressing."

"It's not about the sex. It's about not thinking."

"Gar... that doesn't... " Adrienne tried again to meet his gaze, but was unsuccessful. She fidgeted nervously in the bed. "I mean, I know I don't know shit about any of this stuff but... I don't think... that doesn't... necessarily... sound healthy." She reached out and took his hand. "That kind of worries me."

"Maybe, but I don't really know what to tell you. You ever had a moment where you just didn't know what you wanted or what you should do? Imagine that, questioning yourself, all the time. That's why I don't want to think."

"I sort of feel like that all the time," she admitted. Her recent conversation with Jean had really stirred those feelings up in her- that despite trying to be a good person she just didn't feel like one most of the time, and how it took so damned much effort, but did she really want to put in all that effort, because why did she want to be good all the time anyway? Then there was all that stuff about feeling like it was herself- her past, her personality- bringing this out in Garrison. That who she was was making this happen. "I sort of always have," she added sheepishly. "Why do you think I became a cocaine addict? And a power monger?" She gave him a wry smile. "It's always easier to just avoid the hard questions... or any questions... and not think. Just lose yourself in the things you don't have to think about. But... I guess... just because something's easier doesn't mean it's... good for you? Or something?"

"Maybe, But can't I just be allowed not to be the responsible one?" He let his head slump back to hit the wall. "I just don't want to have to deal with things for once."

Adrienne winced. "Of course you should be allowed not to be the responsible one," she agreed, stroking his shoulder. "But... are not being responsible and not wanting to... deal with things... are those the same thing? Because... I don't know that they are? I think... maybe... even if you want to be irresponsible you still need to deal with questions about yourself?" His words were starting to scare her a little, because this was starting to remind her of what she'd been through not too long ago with Tandy not wanting to deal with things and getting Topaz to drain her emotions. Adrienne didn't particularly want to go down that road with someone she cared about again. "And... besides..." she added gently, "it's not just 'for once.' You just told me that not dealing is a now a priority, didn't you?"

"And do what? Spend the next six months paralyzed every time I try to do anything because I'm so fucked trying to figure shit out that I don't have the capacity to do anything?"

"I don't... I dunno, I..." Wringing her hands together, she slid away from him in the bed, almost as if she wanted to try and stay out of his reach. It would be so easy to just apologize, tell him that of course he was right, that he should do what he thought was best, and she would go along with whatever he said. He'll like you so much more if you do, a voice in the back of her head told her. Like with Steven. Just go along with it. Don't give him a hard time. Don't be such a bitch. He'll like you more if you stop being such a bitch.

Quite unwillingly, a sob escaped her as those thoughts entered her mind. She battled to keep more of them from coming forth, to regain her composure, to pretend nothing had happened. Like with Steven. Just keep it all inside.

But she wasn't with Steven. And Garrison wanted them to be able to talk about their relationship, instead of keeping things from each other. Right? "Listen," she began, setting her jaw and forcing herself to look at him. She also scooted towards him again. Because she trusted him not to hurt her. "I'm sorry. I-I may be wrong, here- I mean, I get that I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about with any of this, but I don't think you should keep doing what you're doing.

"It's... it's like I told Tandy back in January," she continued, "when she was letting Topaz eat her emotions so that she didn't have to deal with everything she was feeling following her parents' deaths. You can't stop dealing with things indefinitely. You have to deal. You have to figure this out so you can move forward, instead of being stuck in neutral, which is all not dealing does for you. Not dealing is... it's not going to make you stronger, in the end. Right? And- and I'm not saying you have to have all the answers today, or tomorrow," she assured him. "I-I want to help you, I want us to work. So if you need to keep losing yourself in sex to stop you from being... paralyzed, I'm happy to be here for you and give you that. That's something I do know how to do," she said with a wry smile. "But I think in addition to losing yourself in copious amounts of sex, you should also... try to start dealing? Like... with a therapist, maybe? Or something?"

Kane sighed, snaking an arm around her waist and tugging her close. "I'm just frustrated. It's like... starting over on everything, you know? Think of how weird it would be if someone asked you what one of your favourite foods are, and you had to say 'I don't know'. I mean, I remember what they were, but the connection between those memories and the tangible certainty of 'knowing' that's the case is gone on so many things. It's exhausting and unsettling, and as much as I hate to admit it, more than a little frightening,"

Adrienne snuggled against him as the tension and adrenaline she'd just been feeling evaporated. "I'm sorry you're frightened," she sympathized. She thought of her recent work with Haller, Jean, and Emma in her mindscape, creating new connections between personal memories and emotions while severing superfluous ones, and having to make the judgment calls about what was valuable and what was superfluous. She sort of thought that maybe because of this she understood a little bit about what he meant? But it probably wasn't the same thing at all. "I can't even imagine how frustrating all of it must be."

"First time in my life that I can't say I'm certain about anything. It's like who I am could drift away any minute and I wouldn't notice it, you know?"

"Yeah," she nodded into his shoulder. "I think I sort of do. I just don't know how to make that uncertainty go away." All she knew was that losing yourself in sex wasn't going to provide an anchor. "I wish I did. But... you know I'm not going to let you drift away, right? I would notice." Hell, wasn't that why she was bringing this whole sex thing up in the first place? Because she'd noticed him not acting like who he was? "And- and people at the mansion would notice," she added quickly. "You have lots of people who care about you and will keep you from drifting away."

"I don't know if its about people stopping it from happening. Unless I believe it, it's all just words, right?"

"Well... yeah. I... I guess I just mean... that we're going to try to help you believe it. To be certain again. I just mean... you're not alone in this, you know?"

"I know and I appreciate it." He dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

"Okay. Good." This was good, right? "So we're going to deal. It's gonna be okay." she nodded. "Hey, you wanna know something?"

"Surprise me."

She reached over him and turned off the light and the sheets rustled as she slid underneath them. "You know what? I think I will. Because getting all this out in the open has really made me want to have sex to take my mind off of everything."

"Oh, you're hilarious." Kane said as he slipped under the sheet to join her.