Kurt and Topaz

[x-topaz.livejournal.com]

Kurt checks in on Topaz, and they talk about what happened with Taboo and after.



Topaz was flipping through the pages of her journal, once again trying to decipher what she'd written during the time she'd spent out of her head. Most of it was a jumble of shakily written emotions and notes in handwriting she didn't recognize - a badly distorted version of her own. She was getting a headache just looking at it.

After a few minutes of watching her through the observation window, trying to judge her mental state - he'd been assured she was well enough for visitors, but he wanted to be sure - Kurt was finally as satisfied as he was getting. He knocked politely on the door.

Topaz looked up to see who was at the door, not that she needed to. There was still only one person polite enough to knock. She pressed her lips together and set the book aside, standing to let Mr. Sefton in. "Hullo," she greeted him quietly as she opened the door.

"Hello, Topaz." He smiled slightly. "How are you feeling today? Much better, they tell me, but they are not you."

She shrugged as she stepped back to let him in, turning to go back to the bed. "They might know better than I do, honestly." She sat down on the edge of the bed, focusing more on the floor then on Kurt.

He was looking much more intently at her. "No, I think not. I asked how you feel, not how you are. So how is that, with no one else's feelings intruding?"

The customary "I'm fine" was on the very tip of her tongue, bitten down only when she realized there was no way in hell she was going to be able to get that one by. Even if Mr. Sefton weren't annoyingly astute when it came to the fact that she was lying, it didn't take a genius to figure out she wasn't fine.

So she settled for, "I don't know." It was the truth, at least.

He considered that and nodded, settling down in the room's one chair. "Yes, I suppose that makes sense. So much has happened, and you were dealing with so many emotions not your own... it will take time to sort it all out."

"Yeah..." Topaz dragged her fingers through her hair, locking them behind her neck as she looked up a bit, still not quite meeting Kurt's eyes. "I don't really remember much of that, to be honest." Which scared her just a bit.

"The brain can react in strange ways to being overloaded", Kurt said, calm and gentle but with an odd touch of underlying grief. "It is almost a trauma, and it is known that sometimes the mind makes us forget things that are too much to deal with. Perhaps it will come back to you in time."

She thought again of the journal, of what she had written. And she shuddered a bit. "I don't think I want to remember." She'd been completely out of her mind. And that terrified her. "I'm sorry," she said after a moment.

"You have nothing to apologise to me for", he told her firmly. "What you did, you did when you were not in your right mind and almost as an act of self-defence."

"Well, that depends on who you ask," Topaz murmured. "But I didn't mean for...for that." She was still having a hard time believing what she'd done. That she'd been that stupid. "I'm sorry about what happened with Lu - Taboo," she corrected herself mid-word. Not Luca.

"Ah." He smiled slightly. "Well, that apology I will accept. You are, shall we say, not the first to be blinded by the need to believe in a parent."

She swallowed hard, shoulders falling slightly. "He wasn't always like that, you know," Topaz said suddenly, her head snapping up to meet Kurt's gaze at last.

"I have no doubt he was not", Kurt agreed gently. "It is often the hardest when they were a good parent, once. Was it your mother's death that changed him?"

It was so very hard to go against the part of her mind that screamed No, no, no, we're not talking about this, no. Everyone kept saying it would be good for her to talk, after all. And she had been trying, she really had. And how many times had Kurt offered to listen? "Yeah," Topaz finally mumbled, tugging lightly at a strand of hair. "He just...he got obsessed."

"And nothing mattered but finding the Destines and avenging her", he said sadly. "Not even you, in the end. Grief and rage can do terrible things sometimes."

Oh Topaz knew that well. "He changed," she murmured, more to herself then to Kurt. "I really wanted to believe he could change back."

"Perhaps, in the right circumstances and with a great deal of help he could have", Kurt offered. "But he would have to want it, and now... I do not know. Perhaps you should try to remember him as Luca and hope one day to get that man back."

"One thing that's never changed," she said quietly, "is that he's stubborn. He'll never stop, not until he gets what he wants." It really did baffle her how she could know that and still fall for his damn act. "Blimey I'm an idiot."

"No, Topaz." It was immediate and firm. "Not an idiot, never that. He is the only father you have ever known, of course you still love him. He used that to convince you of what you wanted to believe."

"He knew I trusted him." And that was what hurt worst of all. That even after everything, she had trusted him. He'd never lied to her before. Of course she trusted him.

"He did." He glanced down. "And no one knows how to use that trust like a parent."

After a moment Topaz shook her head, sighing. "Oh well. Doesn't matter now." Now she had to try and figure out how she was going to fix the mess she'd made here.

"If you have learned not to trust him again... it is a sad thing that you cannot, but a good thing as well, and in that case you are right that it does not matter. You know that Amanda and I will stand by you, yes?"

Had she learned not to trust him? She wanted to say yes - logically, she knew she couldn't trust him, and if she ever saw him again she'd run as far as she could in the other direction (though she had a feeling neither Amanda or Kurt would let him that close ever again), but...she still wanted to believe he could change. She couldn't spend the rest of her life waiting for it though.

At Kurt's question, she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Yeah?" Her voice was small, uncertain.

"Yes", he said without hesitation or a trace of doubt. "You heard what I said to Taboo. I will not let you be lost, and turning away from you would be as good as making that happen myself."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Thank you." She tried to put everything into the words - thanking him not just for standing by her, but for helping her. For saving her from ending up who the hell knows where.

"You are, now and always, welcome." He reached over and patted her hand. "We will get you well again, and then whatever you want from life can be yours."

The touch had Topaz jumping a little, but she forced herself to relax as she opened her eyes again, looking at him and nodding after a moment. She had no idea where to go from here, but one step at a time. First she had to get out of the Box.

"It will all come in time", Kurt assured her gently, seeming to guess at her thoughts again in that uncanny way he had. "Once your shields and such are back in order, we can discuss what comes next. Perhaps even college, if you want to go."

Topaz actually smiled a bit at that. "Yeah. Maybe." It'd been a while since she'd had the chance to actually make a plan for something that was more than a few weeks in advance. Everything had been one uncertainty after another since Alice had died. "Definitely still got a while 'til that, though." After all, she had to survive Xavier's first.

"Of course, there is plenty of time", he agreed. "And in the meantime, if you need any help, please remember you only have to ask. Some of it I think you will be getting whether you ask or not."

Yeah...Topaz had no doubt about that. She dragged her fingers through her hair, giving Kurt a small smile. "Don't think I'll be allowed to hide much once I get out of here."

"Certainly not as much as before." He smiled slightly in return. "If it all gets overwhelming, I can offer my living room as a place for some quiet time."

That was going to take some getting used to. "Thanks," she said quietly.

"And speaking of quiet time, it is probably time I left you alone", he said easily. "For now, at least."

She wouldn't deny it would be nice. It wasn't as bad with Kurt, she just...didn't know how to act anymore. It was rather disconcerting, to put it mildly. Everything was just confusing right then. Topaz scrubbed her eyes a bit, sighing. She was starting to hate this.

"All right." He stood up decisively. "Get some rest, Topaz. It will all be better in time, that I promise."

"Yeah." With any luck, he was right. "We'll see."