xp_logs | Angelo and Marie

Angelo was sitting in his room, having not so much woken up early as barely slept at all. He didn't really want to leave the room before he had to, for classes or his appointment with Samson, for risk of running into Manuel with no one else around.

Marie was not looking forward to expending a perfectly good post-training mood on talking to Angelo about his self-injury issues, but their friendship rather demanded it. She tugged the sparkly teddybear bobbles out of her ponytails and knocked on Angelo's door. "Skin, it's Marie."

Angelo glanced up, having not forgotten that he'd asked Shinobi to tell her what he couldn't, if he couldn't, and thus having a good idea of what she wanted to talk about. "Come in", he answered quietly.

"Hey." Marie came in and sat down on the bed across from him. She looked her age today in red running pants with shiny blue stripes down the sides and a pale blue shirt with red glittery little kittens and hearts chasing across her breasts. Kicking off her sneakers, she crossed her legs and gave Angelo a 'look'. "So. You want to start or shall I?"

Angelo met her eyes only for a moment, before glancing down guiltily. "Don't mind."

"Shinobi emailed me last night," she said, playing with the hair elastics in her hands. "You're seeing Samson soon, right?"

He nodded. "Today, at ten. He sent me an appointment. An'... I kind of thought Shinobi would. I did ask him to, after all."

"How come you couldn't tell me yourself?" Marie bit her lip, trying not to let frustration get the better of her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What we talked about, about taking the different way and all... didn't any of that sink in? Couldn't you hold out until I could get to you? Why couldn't you call me?"

Angelo shrugged, offering weakly, "It was right after the whole fight with Manuel - Shinobi just didn't find out 'til the day after. An' by then you had more stuff to worry about..." He bowed his head, not willing to express his feeling that it wasn't important enough to trouble her with, because he knew how she'd react.

"Skin, this is me!" Marie burst out and then shut her mouth, flinging herself back to lean against the wall with a thud, eyes closed for a moment. She opened her eyes again to look at him. "This is me. I'd have found a way around things. Hell, Logan would have kept you company until I could get there. I'd have worked something out." She sighed and shook her head. "Do you want to tell me about it or do you want to just save it for Samson?"

Angelo had curled up against the wall on her outburst, not really believing she'd hurt him but reacting on instinct. "I... I want to tell you. But..."

"Oh, for..." Marie pulled at her hair. "Skin, you know I'm not going to hurt you. I'm frustrated because you're hurting yourself and I thought maybe I was getting somewhere with you and I'm obviously not and it was stupid of me to think so, evidently. But what? Why can't you tell me?"

Angelo sat up again, head bent in shame. "Sorry. I know you're not - just kind of on edge lately. An' you're not the stupid one. I can't tell you 'cause it was my own dumb fault. I only do it when I deserve it", he muttered.

"And you know that I'll tell you that you never do." Marie rubbed at her forehead. "It's not your fault. I know how hard it is to tell someone. It took Logan catching me to get me to talk to him about it."

Angelo glanced up, then nodded. "Yeah. Same here, only it was Shinobi."

Marie met his eyes. "I couldn't tell my best friend in the world, even when I was bleeding so much sometimes I was scared I wouldn't be able to hide it, wrapping ace bandages over the gauze so it didn't soak through. So I'm frustrated with me, Skin, not you. Okay? I'm frustrated because I should know better. And you don't deserve it because it doesn't /fix/ anything. It just hurts. And you never get anywhere, you never get to change."

He nodded reluctantly. "It... I've been doin' it for years, on an' off", he confessed quietly. "Bit more often since I manifested, though."

"Doesn't help much, does it?" she pointed out.

He shrugged. "Depends how you mean. Usually lets me feel like I've paid for whatever I've done wrong that time, in a way."

"So go work in the yard until your hands bleed, give your shoes to someone who needs them and walk home, I don't know... but don't hurt yourself, Skin. Do something else until you figure out that you don't always have to /pay/ for screwing up."

Angelo nodded again. "Not a bad idea, actually. Better than my way", he acknowledged dispassionately. "You've gotta know it's a hard habit to break, though."

Marie shrugged. "I did it for a number of reasons. My scars were a pretty big deal to me at one point. But someone kept erasing them." She laughed a little and shook her head. "Kind of messed up the whole endeavor. It's hard... it's not so hard to quit, it's just hard to fight the cravings. It's hard to fight what happens when I don't do it."

Angelo nodded sadly. "Well, it used to feel like... like if I didn't punish myself, someone else would, an' it'd be worse. Still got some of that feelin', just not so much since I came here."

"Sounds like you're ready to give it up then, or at least try. Don't expect yourself not to do it again. Just try and set something up to put it off until you can think better," Marie suggested. "I'm sure Samson's got some ideas."

Angelo nodded again, in agreement. "I don't think I want to do it again right now. The worst moment's passed, y'know? For now."

"Thing is," Marie said with a shrug, "the worst moment usually passes. Not fast, I can say that I went through a while there where it seemed to be all worst moments. Every damn minute, it was like something screaming under my skin. But even that passed. Just have to find a way to get to that point, where it's gone."

"It's the guilt that gets me, every time", Angelo told her quietly. "Or sometimes not s'much guilt as shame. Like this time."

"What set you off?"

He closed his eyes. "Manuel. Shinobi knows what happened with Bobby now, so I guess you do an' I can tell you what happened?"

Marie nodded. "Go ahead."

Angelo grimaced bitterly. "He just kept callin' Bobby an "assraper" an' a "pervert" an' makin' out like he deserved what happened to him 'cause he enjoyed it. Brought some memories back, bad ones, 'cause if Bobby deserved what happened to him, I sure as hell did for kinda choosin' it. So, the shame."

"Manuel has Issues," Marie said sadly, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened at the idea of someone speaking to Bobby like that. "It's no excuse, though. Bobby didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve it, Angelo. The idea that anyone does is insane."

Angelo hastened to reassure her. "Oh, Bobby wasn't there - though I don't know what Manuel may've said to him that day in the kitchen, I wasn't there then. But he wasn't there to hear it in the rec room, thank God."

"Oh, I'm sure Manny made his feelings clear in person." Marie's voice was tight and sad, she took a deep breath against the clenching of the muscles in her chest and back, letting the anger go. "And so because of that you went and hurt yourself?"

He nodded simply. "Yeah. It... took my mind off the other stuff. Helped some with the shame."

"I can see how it would do that." Marie hugged her knees to her chest and her spine popped in several places as she shifted position. "But you think you might be ready to try something else, see if you could find a new way to deal with the really bad moments?"

Angelo shrugged. "I can...try", he said a little doubtfully. "How do you do it?"

"One of the things I did was trying to change how I saw myself, I tried to stop blaming myself. I think I have that part down pretty well." Marie thought back to her trip home and nodded. "I keep really busy. I go for a run, I train. And I talk to Logan about it. I think that makes all the difference."

Angelo nodded back. "The first part's the hardest, though", he said softly. "It'll be easier to talk now you an' Shinobi know, I think."

"It's hard, yeah, but when you get it..." Marie shook her head. "There's nothing like that moment when you know it wasn't your fault."

Angelo almost smiled, trying to imagine it. "I'm glad you got there. Hope I will soon, but there's so much..."

"Don't count events and episodes," Marie warned him. "Take responsibility for what you need to and learn to forgive yourself for the rest. It'll come. It just takes practice."

Angelo nodded. "But how'm I supposed to tell what's really my fault?" he asked sadly. "It's all been my responsibility, or at least I've thought so, for so long..."

"You talk about it. You put it in perspective," she said. "Samson will help you do that."

He nodded again. "Okay. Think it'll take awhile..."

"Of course it will," Marie said gently. "That's okay."

He smiled at her weakly, and moved to get up. "Think I should probably be gettin' ready to head down there, actually."

"Okay." Marie got up and offered Angelo a hand to help him up. "I'm proud of you for getting this taken care of, you know."

He maintained the faint smile, taking her hand. "Don't be - I probably wouldn't've done if Shinobi hadn't found out an' dragged me to the doctor."

"You still could say no." She pulled him into a warm hug. "And I am ticked at you for not telling me, but mostly because it meant you were going around hurting yourself, Skin. It's not okay for people to hurt my friends, including themselves."

He hugged her back, leaning his head on her shoulder. "I don't do it all that often, y'know. Didn't. Even before this."

"That's good to know." Marie rubbed his back with her free hand. "I hate the idea of you hurting yourself and I hate the idea that you'd feel so bad it would seem like you should even more."

"If one of you'd yelled at me for it, I probably would've done", he admitted honestly. "Guilt. Gets me every time."

Marie hugged him tighter. "Work on it with Samson. He'll help you learn what you should be feeling responsible or guilty for and what you should be letting go." She put her hands on his shoulders and stepped back, looking up at him. "You get ready to go. You're going to be okay, I know it."

He nodded, managing a smile. "Thanks. I think I will be, sooner or later."

"I'll see you around," Marie said, letting herself out. "You know where I am if you need me, right?"

"'Course I do", he assured her. "An' I'll... try to ask for it, this time."

"Good." Marie gave him a smile. "Makes my job that much easier if you do."