Shopping for Fake Dicks

[x-scorpion.livejournal.com]

Cammie makes good on her threat to drag Tabitha out shopping for adult toys getting a piece of news that surprises her while she goes out of her way to torment Tabs.

"You are a terrible person, and if it is in fact possible to die of mortification, I will haunt you for the rest of your life. I will make sure you never get laid again. You will be plagued with limp penises and dry underpants."

Cammie laughed. It was an evil laugh, "Well then, I'll have to go with girls. Not my first choice, but breasts are awesome," she said her hand on the door to the sex shop. There were plenty of these in the city, but Cammie had picked one of the larger ones. And the way she saw it? She was doing Tabs a favor.

She pulled the door open, "After you. We have to break Sally in."

Tabs stared unblinking at the open doorway, frozen to the spot. "Sally has been perfectly content thus far in life without all this "breaking" you talk about," she said without moving, or looking away from the door.

"It's a metaphor, dipshit, get your ass in the door or I'll drag it there," Cammie said rolling her eyes, though she was grinning as she did so.

She moved to the doorway, but paused to glare over her shoulder. "You're the one that brought up giant penis substitutes!" she hissed.

"I'm not going to force the horse cock on you unless you really want it," Cammie promised, following Tabs into the shop. Unlike some shops of this type the lightning was actually decent, as was the section of toys for women. That didn't mean the shop didn't have the usual assortment of porn shopping jerkoffs, but Cammie had a plan to deal with them if they became a problem. And it didn't even involve murder!

Tabitha balked. "Wait, that's a real thing?" Her eyes widened. "Does that mean that the donkey show is a real thing too?" Horror suffused her voice, and her eyes searched for all the escape routes.

"You've lived a horribly sheltered life," Cammie said, taking Tabs by the arm, "Today you'll enter a brand new world but I'll be gentle." She pointedly didn't answer the question about the Donkey Show.

"Carmilla Black, I've seen your version of "gentle," and it's terrifying." She didn't stop looking for those exits, because she'd finally got a look at some of the other patrons.

"Okay, okay, I promise I won't use the nipple clamps again. I thought you liked those," Cammie said with complete seriousness as she steered Tabs towards the section of toys and bedroom aids. She said it loudly enough that the guys leering could hear it.

Red crept up Tabitha's neck and face. "You're a "50 Shades" sort, aren't you?" she muttered.

Cammie snorted, "No, dear, you know I'm not," and that at least was true. That book was horrible in how it decided to dress up an abusive as fuck relationship and paint it as S&M. No, Cammie was not a fan of that, "Now, here we are," Cammie said, waving her hand at was, essentially, a wall of dicks.

Tabs couldn't help herself. She gaped, mouth open. She might also have gone a little pale.

Cammie, on the other hand, looked like a kid in a candy store, "Now this is really important. We have to find one we'll both love, okay?" Yep, she was pretending they were a couple. Mostly because she wanted to trying to keep Tabs from getting hit on by some of the guys here.

She turned her horrified, confused gaze on Cammie. She reached out without looking and pulled a double-ended one off the wall. "How would this even work?"

"Well, you get one side and I get the other," Cammie said matter of factly, "But if we're going that route strap ones work better, Tabs."

Tabitha's face froze, because wasn't that an intriguing mental image. "Like, a harness?" she asked in a high, squeaky voice.

"Yep, like a harness, Tabs. If you're nervous, honey, I'll let you wear it first," Cammie was enjoying this way too much.

She gnawed on her lip, but her eyes never left the wall, jumping from one... insertible, to the next. How was she even supposed to know what would FIT? What if her eyes were bigger than her ... .hooha.

Cammie was really trying not to laugh at Tabs. It would be counter productive and she wasn't so mean that she'd traumatize her friend even more than she had to, "Look," she whispered, "You know it stretches to fit about anything, right? And most of these are average size, we're NOT getting you the horse cock."

Tabs gulped. "That does not make you any less evil," she whispered back. "Do they come with instruction manuals or something?"

"It's not hard, insert, pull almost out, repeat until finish," she shrugged, "They're not going to start on fire or anything like that."

She smothered laughter that may have been a touch on the hysterical side. "My reading indicates otherwise."

"Jesus, what kind of fucked up porn are you reading? The only way a vibrator can catch fire is if you put it in the microwave, and your machinery shouldn't be getting more dick than you," Cammie pointed out. "Oh, what the fuck was that text about the other day? You never got back to me so I assume you went out and got roaring drunk."

"That's not what I-" Tabs shook her head with a sound of frustration. She stumbled over the next question. Then sighed. "That was me being the immature child that I am. Rachel's been through so much, but I freak out at her mere presence? I'm a self-centered asshole."

"Wait, what? The fuck are you on about? Rachel who?" Cammie said, looking up from something called a jack rabbit that was housed in a glass display case.

If she looked away from Cammie's face, Tabitha would blush hard enough to get light-headed. She kept her voice low. "Rachel, the kid who ... well. We thought she died on Genosha. But-" She really wasn't even sure what had happened.

"What the fuck...? Okay, assume I'm a self centered asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything on the journals unless I'm trolling the fuck out of them or complaining about life in general and start from the fucking beginning. Now," Cammie said, standing up straight.

Tabitha blinked. "Rachel the redheaded kid was dissolved in front of us on Genosha. She's apparently back as a grown-ass woman. I'm not sure what happened in the middle."

"Jesus Fucking Christ, I'm glad no one tells me anything," Cammie snapped, "After this, I'm getting you drunk. Because watching you get shit faced will help my brain deal with this."

"Because it takes two drinks before I start hitting things?" Tabs asked innocently, all too happy to change the subject.

"One and a half if we get you the good stuff," Cammie replied, "So, what do you think of this?" she asked, gesturing to something that looked like more a piece of alien technology and less like anything you would put near their vagina.

She stared at it, but knew Cammie wasn't going to check to see if she actually used the thing. Besides, there was booze in her immediate future. "I'll take it."