xp_logs | Logan, Marie, Doug: Why I'm So Far Away

[Early this morning, directly following their training session, Logan and Marie discuss Marie's plan to take on Manuel's powers. It doesn't go well. She heads upstairs to cry on Doug's shoulder. Later, Logan finds her and apologises for the things he said, and tries again. They agree that she's not going to do it, not right now.]

Logan blocked Marie's last kick and used his grip on her leg to pull her forward, intending to unbalance her. As she dropped forward -- letting herself fall, he could tell, as her control over her flight had grown more instinctive -- he caught her. Falling back on to the thick mats, with her above him, he grinned. "Lesson's over."

Marie laughed at him and licked his nose playfully. "Yes, Master Logan," she said with vast insincerity. She was feeling good from the training session; every day, pushing herself led to new surprises as her reflexes and stamina and strength developped beyond anything she'd possessed before.

He wrinkled his nose, rubbing at it with his sleeve. "Ick." He grunted, mock-frowning at her.

The ludicrousness of Logan protesting being licked sent Marie into giggles. "Too good for my tongue now, are you?" she teased. She sat back, straddling his hips, and starting pulling her gloves off slowly.

Logan opened his mouth to say 'not nearly good enough', but got distracted by her slowly appearing hands and only got out, "Not..." in a low murmur before he'd trailed off into silence.

Marie looked thoughtful as she worked the leather free from her damp skin. "I need to talk to Moira today," she said, almost to herself.

"Oh? Somethin' wrong?" Logan asked, his eyes still on her hands, but at least part of his attention drawn to what she was saying by the mention of one of the doctors' names.

"I need to talk to her about Manny," Marie said casually. Having gotten both hands free, she rolled the gloves up and tossed them in a perfect arc to land by her shoes across the room. "I want her to supervise while I take on Manny's power. I think it might help if I, or anyone for that matter, had some idea of what he goes through. He touched me by accident the other day and I've never had anything jump at me the way his mutation did, even with the dampers on it."

His eyes immediately left her hands and settled on her face. "While you...take on his power," he said slowly, as though the words didn't make sense.

Marie nodded and looked down at him. "I figured that if I could get a feel for it, for what it does to the person using it, I might be able to talk to him in a way that made sense, that was actually helpful. It's so hard to say what it's like to have people in my head, there's no words that could replace the sensation. Right now, we're waving theories and platitudes at him and hoping he grasps them. But if I actually had some idea... it could make all the difference."

An uneasy feeling settled in Logan's stomach. "He needs help, I'm with ya there. He's got shit for control over his powers an' he ain't got a lotta friends, so I'm glad you're lookin' out for 'im, but...you sure this is the way t'do it?"

"I think it might help," Marie said looking more devoted to the idea by the moment. "It would mean that there's at least one person in the world who really understand what he's suffering and that alone is useful. But I have the experience of coping with other minds impinging on my core self all the time. If I could feel what it's like for him and master it at all, grasp how to keep things in order, it could be really helpful to him. I'd have a place of understanding from which to coach him as he gets his powers back."

Logan's voice went from calm and reasonable to tense and annoyed in the blink of an eye. "/If/ you c'n master it all. /If/ y'c'n grasp..." He growled quietly. "You'd have a place of understandin' from the /box/, when they hafta lock ya up," he said tightly.

"Then I'll know how that feels too," Marie replied coolly. "I've had difficult people and powers in my head before. I'm still here."

"Y'haven't had /his/ powers in yer head b'fore." Logan's body was tense and anger rolled off him in waves, beneath her. "/He/ can't control 'em. How the fuck d'/you/ 'spect to?"

"I don't." Marie got up and backed away a step, arms crossed over her chest. "I /hope/ to. I have some /faith/ in my abilities to retain my sense of self enough to handle things. And if I don't, it'll suck like hell and then it'll be over. It's never, ever easy, Logan. I'm not being unrealistic here."

"/Dammit/, Marie!" Logan pushed himself to his feet, growling. "You /are/ bein' unrealistic. Y'don't know what those powers do to 'im an' y'don't know what they're gonna do t'you."

"I have some idea," she said stubbornly, jaw set. "I have enough of one to know that it's not something I'm just going to go and do on a whim. I also have enough of an idea of what they do to him to know that someone's got to help him control them. What's the worst that's going to happen, Logan? It'll feel horrid for a while and then I'll be stuck sorting Manny into a box in my head just like anyone else. At least I won't be left alone with it in silence."

"Horrid?! Yer not this stupid, Marie. He don't feel horrid. He feels /everythin'/ an' he can't control any of it. You won't be able t'control it either an' I won't be able t'help ya." He growled, and this time it wasn't frustration, but real anger. "Y'know what'll happen if y'do this an' I come around ya? You'll kill me."

She put her hands on her hips, then shrugged. "Then don't come around. It's not like you were there before. I'll manage. I know I can do it. I may may not get everything I want, but I'll hold on to myself and that's all that really matters. It's not like I haven't been through something ugly before. At least this is my choice."

"You'll hold on t'yerself. You sure about that?" he spat out. "Y'might be yerself when his powers fade, but you sure yer gonna be you when you got his powers? /He/ ain't himself, half the time, what I've heard." Sympathy for Manuel was becoming difficult to dredge up; he was too focused on his anger. His fear.

"I'm sure. I have the distinct advantage of having a self to be," she said archly. "I think that will make all the difference. If it doesn't, he's in more trouble than he thinks."

"Yer gettin' in over yer head an' y'can't see it," Logan snarled. "Who y'been suckin' up that's makin' y'stupid? Sure as hell ain't me."

"I've been over my head since I kissed Cody. Hasn't killed me yet." Marie started walking away from him, to collect her shoes. Halfway across the room, she stopped and turned to look at him again. "Are you /really/ suggesting that I'm whoring about, now that I've got a better handle on my abilities? Because if you are, then I think this conversation is very, very over."

"I ain't suggestin' anythin'," he growled, watching her. "But yer right. This conversation's over."

"Thanks for understanding," she said caustically, gathering up her things. "I'll be sure not to bother you about the issue again. You know, at least in this case, it's not only my /choice/, but he'll be around for me to talk to when it's all over." She turned back to look at Logan, leaning on the door. "I'm sure I can rely on him to stick around for the aftermath, even if it's just to hear what I have to say and not because he gives a damn about me. I think I can handle anything under those circumstances." She pushed the door open and walked out into the hall.

The door clicked shut after her. "Fuck!" Logan yelled, turning to slam his fist into the wall behind him. His first punch left a barely noticeable dent, but the second was much more distinct.

Marie walked up the stairs slowly, feeling numb through her core, the same numbness of a handprint before the slap began to sting. ...not suggesting anything. Right. She felt sick and a little dizzy and when she got to the top of the stairs, she realized that she didn't want to go to her room and she didn't know where to go otherwise. Her bare feet took her down the hall in another direction and she knocked on a door she hadn't been to in a while.

"Doug?"

Doug opened the door relatively quickly. "Em?" He looked at her and took in her body language, assessing quickly. He opened his arms to her quickly. "C'mon in, Em," he whispered reassuringly.

She dropped her shoes and jacket and stepped into Doug's arms, letting her head fall against his shoulder and bursting into tears. She hadn't even felt them building, didn't have a chance to stop them. She'd planned to talk, to say something, but her voice was lost. Her hands clenched on his shirt to hold herself up.

Doug stroked Marie's back gently. "Shhh. It's okay, Em, just let it out." She couldn't see from where her face was buried in his shoulder, but Doug's expression hardened. If anyone had hurt her...he shook his head and maneuvered them both into the room, shutting the door.behind them. "Tissue?" he asked gently.

"...p.please." Marie managed to get out. "I'm... sorry. Hate this. I just..." She gestured helplessly, overcome with tears again.

Doug used his hands to direct Marie to sit down on his bed for a moment. "Shhh. It's okay." Moving across the room, he grabbed a box of tissues and stopped at his dresser, pulling out a turtleneck sweater and slim black cotton gloves, pulling them on quickly. Moving back to the bed, he placed the box of tissues on it and rubbed Marie's arm soothingly.

She leaned against Doug, a few tissues clutched in one hand, seeking the comfort of his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to cry. It shouldn't hurt so much. He was just angry..."

Doug wrapped his arms around Marie, stroking her back softly. "It's okay, Em. I'm right here. You cry if you need to." Doug had a pretty good guess that it was Logan who had made her cry, but he wasn't about to pry into what might have been a private disagreement. He just concentrated on being quiet and supportive.

"It's not your problem, I'm sorry..." Marie's tears subsided for the moment. "I just... god. I would not be unfaithful to him. Not for a minute. And... he might not even have meant it like that, but..." She shook her head. "I wouldn't. Not on purpose..."

Doug grimaced where Marie couldn't see. That tore it. Logan could officially go screw himself sideways with a crowbar. Whether he meant it or not, he had made Marie cry. "I know you wouldn't, Em. And I'm sure he does too." Doug smiled and continued to hold her loosely.

"It was just this stupid comment... we were arguing... but it hit me so hard." Marie choked up again and took a moment to compose herself enought to keep talking. "And really, you'd think I'd have better sense than to fool around with someone who'd make me /stupid/, right?" She tried to laugh at it but fell back into tears again. "I can be stupid all by myself, thank you."

Doug gently took the crumpled used tissue from Marie's hand and gave her a fresh one, continuing to shush her and stroke her back, letting her talk through her problems without interruption.

She cried on his shoulder for a while before she spoke again. "Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe he's right about it," she said at last, wiping her cheeks again. "He wouldn't say something so damn ugly if he weren't scared, right?"

Doug blinked. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around the concept of him being scared of something, Em," he offered hesitantly.

"I told him I thought it would be a good idea for me to take on Manny's powers for a bit, to see what it's like for him," Marie said quietly. "I still think I could do it, in my heart, I'm sure I could handle it. Maybe he's thinking about what would happen if I couldn't."

Doug's eyes widened at the mention of Manuel and the idea Marie had had. "His first concern is your well-being, Em. Had you thought it all through? I mean, what would happen if you _couldn't_ handle it?"

"Of course I'd thought it through," Marie swallowed her tears and shook her head. "If I couldn't deal, they'd sedate me or put me in the Box until it passed. That's all." That wasn't all, but the worst case scenario... wasn't going to happen.

Doug nodded. "It's not my place to tell you whether or not you should do anything, Em. You're a big girl. I'm here to support you no matter what, okay?" He hugged her tightly.

"Thanks. I need that right now." Marie snuggled up against Doug, hugging him back warmly. "I don't know what to do... I'll work it out. It just... hurt." Her voice cracked again and the tears returned. "And the only explanation I have that I can live with is that he was scared."

Doug nodded. "That sounds like the most likely one to me too, as alien as the idea of Logan being scared of something is. You gonna be okay, Em?" His eyebrows wrinkled worriedly.

Marie nodded and wiped away the fresh tears. "I always am, in the end, you know that."

Doug smiled wryly. "Doesn't stop me worrying, though."

"Silly." Marie hugged him again. "Thanks. I will be okay. I'd just like my gravity back, you know?"

Doug chuckled. "Yeah, I know. At least you've still got me, right?"

"At least, nothing," Marie said warmly. "Nothing second best about being friends. Especially one I can cry on at short notice. I'm so glad you're still here."

Doug smiled. "There's very little that could be done to drive me away. I love you, silly girl." He said it without any awkwardness, simply as a reassurance of his close friendship and nothing more.

"I love you too, impossible man." She smiled at him through her tears. "Walk me back to my room? I think I need some tea and some quiet time."

"Absolutely," Doug said. Standing up, he offered a hand gallantly. "Milady," he said, grinning. He carefully folded her hand in his elbow. If Logan had a problem, he could deal. "Shall we?"

Marie bent to pick up her things in her other hand, then nodded. "I think we shall." She let Doug lead her back to her room, staying close and leaning on him a little.

Stupid. Someone else. The thoughts wouldn't shut up in her head. Marie reached for another essay proposal to read and bit her lip, blinking back tears. He wouldn't have said those things if he weren't really upset, the rational part of her mind told her, but that didn't stop her from feeling horribly sick everytime she thought about that morning.

It'd been a long morning. Unbearable, almost, but Logan didn't think he'd let on to anyone else that he was feeling more cranky than usual. When he'd finally got a break, for lunch, he bypassed the kitchen and walked upstairs, looking for Marie. At this time of day, her room was his best bet. He knew before he knocked that she was inside, but he waited for her to answer the door, sure he wasn't welcome inside, after the things he'd said.

"Come in." Her voice was tired and cracked a little when she called out. -More tea,- she told herself. "You don't have to knock during school hours." It was almost a litany now, though most of the little ones didn't knock at all. She liked it when they came barging in full tilt with little voices full of questions. She turned her attention back to her work and hoped whoever it was was going to be brief and not comment on her appearance.

He pushed the door open and stepped inside quietly, then closed it with a dull click behind him. "I'm sorry," he said softly, barely loud enough to be heard.

His voice startled Marie and she dropped the paper in her hand as though it had burned her, pressing her fingers against her mouth as if that could keep her from more tears. She didn't turn to look at him, ducking her head so that her hair fell down between them. "What for?" She shrugged and picked the paper up again. It shook a little in her hand. "Did you say anything that wasn't true?"

"Prob'ly said a few things that weren't true," Logan said, nodding. "An' a lot more that shoulda been said diff'rent."

Marie nodded and glanced up at him through her hair briefly. "You had your reasons, I'm sure," she said dismissively.

Logan moved to kneel in front of her. "I did. Still do." He reached up, intending to brush her hair back from her face. He could smell the salt of her tears, thick in the air. "Gonna say it better this time, though." Meeting her eyes, he said clearly, "I love you. Don't do this. It scares me."

Marie looked at him for a long time, letting the paper drift back down to the table. He was scared, she didn't need anyone's powers to let her know that clearly. He didn't just go and get scared. She nodded, biting her lip, and then finalized the decision she'd been toying with all morning. "Then I won't. Not until I have more of a compelling reason to take my chances, not until there's enough reason to take that kind of risk." Risking herself was easy. Risking him, the pain he'd feel if he lost her, that was something she couldn't just do lightly.

The fear didn't drain from his eyes, from his mind, immediately, but when he whispered, "Thank you," his relief was obvious. The entire morning, his mind had supplied him with multiple scenarios on all the things that could go wrong, with her plan. If Manuel had reacted to him that way, mightn't there be others who made him feel the same way? What would happen, then? "Thank you," he said again.

She closed her eyes and nodded. "I wouldn't..." she said quietly, and then let the words trail off as her throat tightened too much for her to speak.

Logan reached up to brush his thumb over her eyebrow, his fingertips touching her cheek. "I'm sorry."

"Anything but that." Her voice was a whisper now, and she couldn't look at him still. Even under the influence of the potion, she'd never failed to be honest with him. The idea that she might terrified her, because it would mean something was terribly wrong again and perhaps he wouldn't even notice, perhaps he didn't trust her, he was expecting it. It made her sick and dizzy and at the same time she felt so ... stupid ... for letting it get to her.

"I didn't mean it, baby, an' I shouldn't a said it. Got too pissed an' stopped thinkin'." He knew, now, what she was upset about, and hated himself just a little more for saying it in the first place.

It was a kind of infidelity, in its way, what she'd proposed. Intimacy had many guises and her mutation was a double-edged blade. She tried not to think of it that way, but... she shook her head and stood, brushing past him. "I know," she said, headed for the kitchen to make more tea.

He let himself fall back to sit on the floor, thudding against it heavily. "'m not... It ain't jealousy, what's scarin' me about this. If 'is powers weren't what they are, I prob'ly wouldn'ta complained..."

"I didn't suspect it was." Her hands were unsteady as she filled the kettle and put it on the stove. "That's a separate issue entirely." It had better damn well be a separate issue entirely.

He watched her for a moment, waiting, then stood and approached her. "Marie," he said quietly, reaching out, but not quite touching her. "I trust ya. I don't think yer... I don't think that about ya an' I never have."

"Even when I didn't have a choice, I never kept it from you," she said quietly.

"I know, baby, I know." His hand made contact with her cheek, just for a few seconds, a caress. "It wasn't like that." He looked away for a moment before speaking again. "I was talkin' an' you weren't hearin' me an' I wanted ya t'stop an'...I was just so mad. So scared."

"I heard you," she said, reaching out for him. "I heard what you said, the words. I didn't hear what you meant."

Logan took a step closer. "Y'do now, though? I...couldn't find the right words, 'smornin', I was too...it was too much."

Marie nodded and finally looked up at him. "I do now. And I understand, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She was pale and tearstained and her lips were sore from biting them to keep from crying as she worked.

He cupped her face in his hands, his thumbs sliding over her cheeks. "Me, too, baby. I'm so sorry. I shouldn'ta said that, ever. I didn't mean it." He presses a soft, quick kiss to her forehead, then his hands drop away. "An' I'm sorry I'm keepin' ya from somethin' y'wanna do."

"We don't always get to do what we want," Marie said with a little shrug. "it's part of being grownups, right? Besides..." she reached out to run her fingers over his mouth, softly. "Priorities. I forgot... forgot what it could mean for you if I screwed up, not just what it would mean for me. I forgot it'd matter so much."

Logan pursed his lips, kissing her fingertips. "I'll hafta remind ya, then, how much ya mean t'me. Often enough ya can't forget again." He rested one hand on her hip, the other finding its way to her cheek again.

"It's still so easy to fall back into thinking it's just me. Or that I don't matter that much to anyone. Remind me." She stepped forward and kissed him hungrily, her arms circling his neck. "Don't let me go."

"Never," he growled against her lips. He didn't let her go until the pull of her skin forced him to take a breath, and then his lips were on hers again. He was holding her tightly against him and each kiss offered something new. His fear, his relief, his desperation, his love, his trust, his need for her.

The kettle started to whistle and Marie reached out to shut it off automatically, lost in Logan's kisses. The knot in her chest was loosening slowly and she realized that she'd hardly breathed all morning. "Yours," she whispered, between kisses. "Always."