When Mr. Coffee Goes Bad

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Friday evening, Moira comes to Lorna's rescue with a spare coffee pot. They discuss the evil that is decaf, what kind of twisted mind would do such a thing, the joys of revenge and finally make plans for Wednesday.


Moira knocked on Lorna's door, spare coffee maker in her other hand. She'd just managed to roll out of Jake's room after dessert and had headed downstairs where she knew she had her other coffee maker stored safely away. Part of her wanted to go back to Nathan, and quickly, but she knew she needed some time unwinding. This was a perfect chance to finish relaxing.

The door opened with a swiftness that felt desperate even before Lorna tumbled into view and threw her arms around the coffee-maker (and Moira as well.) "My hero!" She pulled Moira inside. "Thank God, you're here. I think I know what undeath feels like."

Laughing a little, though not too much she'd been where Lorna was, Moira waved the coffee maker. "Brought this jus' in case I cannae fix th' original one. Cannae leave ye without, after all. Wha's th' problem wit' it again?"

"I don't know. But I've tried three different grinds and wasted about $50 of coffee to determine that I don't know. Everything tastes freeze-dried. If it wasn't Mr. Coffee, I'd rip it open." Lorna led Moira over to the innocent black coffee maker on the counter. The pot was full of the proper dark brown liquid but any real coffee fiend could smell the faint wrongness. Lorna pointed at it like one might a large and grotesque spider and spoke in a stage-whisper, "I think it might be decaf."
"Nay." Moira made a quick gesture at it, like one warding off evil spirits. "Oh, tha's jus' low." She tilted her head and then decided that she was Scottish, after all, she was brave. They'd face the British and, well, lost but it didn't matter. With an air of determination, she found a cup and poured the murky looking liquid in. "Well, 'ere goes nothin'..."

Less than a second passed before she was gagging. "Oh sweet Lord 'ave mercy," she hissed, making a horrid face. "Tha' is decaf, bet me isle on it."

Lorna patted Moira on the shoulder consolingly then dropped to her knees, "Help me, Moira. I've been decaffeinated."

Snickering a little as she wiped her mouth, she waved regally at Lorna. "Up, me child, an' we'll banish this monster from yer rooms." With an expert twist, she removed the coffee pot from the maker and eyed it. "I dinnae think whoever...because this was messed wit' or Charles isnae bald as th' day 'e was born...did this did somethin' ta it fer good. We 'ope."

Lorna climbed back to her feet and helped Moira switch out her violated coffee maker for Moira's spare. She grabbed a Kona roast from the small refrigerator and ground more beans, seriously considering just chewing a few then and there. Patience was a virtue, be damned. She restrained herself only barely. "When I find the one who did this...great will be his pain," she swore.

The coffee maker *looked* fine but it was obviously an evil clone of the real Mr. Coffee. Nothing that good could make decaf coffee. So, it was Evil. "I'll 'elp ye, even," she murmured, trying to find where the modifications had taken place. She'd modified her own for years now so she knew the touch of a modified coffee maker. But damned if this was a subtle one.

Lorna paced with the worried stride of a mother while Moira poked and prodded at Evil!Mr. Coffee. When the spare coffee maker finished its first pot (At last! At last!), Lorna poured two cups and brought one to Moira, gulping down the other with greedy swallows. "Will he be okay?" she asked anxiously, handing Moira her mug.

She paused for a second to take a gulp of real! coffee and got the nasty aftertaste of the evil clone coffee out of her mouth. "I think so. Once I find out wha' they actually *did* t' th' poor wee thin'." Moira shook her head. "Poor thin's all confused."

"It takes a sick and twisted mind to do this to a defenseless coffee maker. Who has that kind of evil cunning and downright sneakyness?" Lorna paused, considered her definition in light of the caffiene now waking up her brain, "Well, other than my roommate."

"An' I'm fairly positive Alison would fear ye on decaf coffee," Moira mused, rubbing her chin. "Well...who else..."

Another hastily downed cup of real coffee marshalled more of Lorna's brain to help with the mystery. Eventually, one diffident sector pointed out that someone had sworn revenge recently. "I'll kill him," Lorna said suddenly.

Moira's brain apparently trotted along at the same speed as Lorna's as she suddenly remembered a certain box to a certain unwelcomed suitor of hers. "O' nay, 'e wouldnae..."

"Oh hell yeah, he would. This is classic Kansas farmboy." Lorna fell into a chair, dumbstruck by the diabolical...evil! of the deed. "And that reply to my post...oh, yeah. Yeah, he did it. Oh this is so much worse than what I did to him."
Moira paused. "Wha' did ye do ta 'im?" she asked, curious. Not that it mattered. This was, by far, worse than anything anyone could have done. Ever. In a million years.

"Helped Doug steal all his clothes while he was in the shower and left him with only a green dress," Lorna replied, "I think there are pictures." She gave Moira an aggrieved look, "See? Not nearly as evil as this."

"Tha's fairly evil but yer right, nay nearly as evil as this." She shuddered. "This was jus' wron'. Yer coffee pot's goin' ta be scarred for life now."

Lorna stared woefully at her beloved Mr. Coffee, "Do you think Samson counsels coffee machines?"

"I think 'e could be bribed. 'e'll get through this tryin' time, eventually, an' wit' 'elp."

"Help and revenge," Lorna corrected, "Revenge makes everything better."

Moira nodded firmly. "Revenge 'eals all wounds...includin' cloned, evil Mr. Coffee wounds."

"Well, possibly not the ones I'm going to put in that heathen's head but most wounds." Lorna felt her headache edging away and got up out of her chair again. "Thank you so much for coming to save me from the evil decaf."

"Nay a problem, thanks fer th' distraction, I really needed one." She held out Evil Mr. Coffee. "Ye want me ta see if'n I can fix 'im?"

"If you could? I just cook with the stuff, I can't fix it worth a damn." Lorna petted the coffee maker, "Be brave, little Coffee-king. You'll be better soon."
"I'll make sure'n 'e's fixed up nice an' proper," Moira promised, patting the coffee maker as well. "'e'll be back t' 'is ol' spritely self again in no time, mark me words. ...time will tell fer our resident prankster, though..." She grinned evilly at Lorna.

Lorna grinned back, "Oh yes. I think I might have to enlist Hank on this one. If anyone can out think Jamie, it's Hank." She cackled gleefully. "I owe you one, Moira. Which reminds me--Nathan gave me recipes from that master craftsman at that resort you stayed at? I wanted to test them out on Wednesday. If you'd like, I can set up a dinner for two in one of the smaller rooms downstairs. I told Nathan he would have to test the food, no reason you can't have fun with it."

Moira perked at the thought. It had been a very long week and the idea was incredibly charming and just the ticket to relax them both. "Can ye make it an early dinner? Jus' in case, um...thin's come up..." Emergencies, she reminded herself, just in case something blew up. Right.

Lorna nodded, "Six?" She could easily work around her classes. She might have to skip Energy Control though.

"If'n tha's convenient for ye, tha' be perfect time." She beamed. "I may actually owe ye one after tha' meal..."

Lorna laughed, "We'll see. I think it'll just about even us out. After all, you did save my life." She nodded seriously.

Moira held up the coffee pot and glared at it. "It will be fixed or I'm nay a doctor." Laughing, she leaned forward to give the other woman a brief hug. "An' I must run, need ta check on large, cute an' snorin'."

Lorna hugged her back, "Thanks again. And let Nathan know that I'm only cooking for the two of you so his visitors will have to schedule appointments elsewhen or they will be dealing with on hell of an irate chef."

With a grin, she nodded as she headed towards the door. "We'll make a sign. Beware Nearly Caffeine Depraved Chef, Will Strin' Up Any Unwanted Visitors."

Comments

[xp_daytripper]

This was entirely too cute - I was giggling all the way through reading this. Nice work. :)