xp_logs | Topaz and Rogue || Therapy Take Two

Topaz talks to Rogue about what happened the night before. There's progress, oddly enough. What kind of progress...remains to be seen.

Amanda's couch really was awful, Topaz thought as she twisted, cracking her back. She couldn't complain much though. Anything was better than going to her suite right then.

Anyways she was just trying to distract herself. She stared dismally at Rogue's door for a long moment, not at all looking forward to this conversation. She had already broken one promise to Ms. Frost, though. She could at least try to keep this one.

So she knocked.

It was cleaning day for Rogue....or in other words, move one pile to another pile and glare. Organization was not her strong suit

Hopping over a pile of mis matched socks, she went to her door and opened it. "Well hey there sugah," she said with a smile. "Come on in. Mind your step though -- fairly certain mah laundry is tryin' ta eacape."

"Maybe they'll try to eat me," Topaz muttered as she stepped around the laundry, closing the door behind her. "This a bad time?" Part of her hoped it was. She didn't really want to be here.

Rogue shook.her head. "Nah. It's perfect timing anyways. Ah like wrinkles in my clothes. Builds character. What's up?"

Topaz blew out a long breath, closing her eyes. "I...I messed up. I was only supposed to drink in Ms. Frost's old suite, that was the rule. Drink in her suite, talk to you after. And I thought I was doing really well with it I just...wine isn't strong enough anymore."

Ah. This would be another session. She gave Topaz what she hoped was a comforting smile. "Do you want to sit in here and talk about it or do you want to go elsewhere? If Ah recall from before, y'all don't seem too comfortable here."

Topaz shifted uncertainly. "Can we walk?" She asked after a moment. Movement helped.

Rogue nodded. "Let me get mah coat. We can head over to the docks? Or the stables?" Standing up, Rogue hopped over a pile to her closet and dug out her outerwear. "You lead, Ah'll follow."

She didn't really have a plan beyond "walk" but she nodded nonetheless. At least she wouldn't have to try and sit still while she talked.

-*-*-

Heading outside, Rogue enjoyed the freshness in the air. Spring was one of her favourite seasons. Staying true to the last session,Rogue allowed Topaz to guide it. She was really just along for the ride.

Topaz kept her hands in her pockets, trying to gather her thoughts. "I was drinkin' whiskey in my suite," she finally said. "Hope's been gone, and I just..." She'd felt alone. She'd done her best not to bother Amanda with her problems - her teacher had enough to deal with without worrying about her mental student as well. Hope had at least been company, a drinking partner - someone who understood and didn't insist on making her talk about it and deal with it. Someone she didn't feel like she was burdening. "Anyways she came home and caught me."

Rogue gave a nod. "And how did that make you feel?"

"Which part, exactly?" Topaz asked, raising an eyebrow. "The drinkin' in my suite and breakin' my promise to Ms. Frost? Feel pretty awful about that. Or the Hope runnin' off part?" That had made her feel lonely but she wasn't going there. "Or the Hope catchin' me part? Mostly just annoyed, she decided it was time to start actin' like my bloody mother."

"Hope cares." Rogue said simply. "And so does Adrienne. But at the end of the day, it's about how you feel about the drinking."

That brought Topaz up short. How did she feel about the drinking? She had never really thought about it, she supposed. Or she didn't want to think about it. She knew it helped her deal with things, and she didn't want to think too deeply into what that meant. "I don't know," was what she finally settled for saying.

"Do you feel in control of it?"

She hadn't felt in control of anything since they'd stepped foot in this godforsaken universe. "I control when I drink. I control how much I drink."

Rogue gave her an impassive look. "What does control mean for you?"

She looked over at Rogue, making a bit of a face. She didn't know how to answer that. "It means...I have say in how things goes. I say when I drink. I say when I stop."

"And yet you made promises to both Hope and Adrienne and you weren't able to keep them."

"That doesn't mean I wasn't in control." All at once every single defense went up in Topaz's head.

Continuing to be calm, Rogue kept up with the questioning. "What would you call that then?"

"It's control," Topaz insisted, her voice stiff.

"So to clarify," Rogue continued, "You were in control when you made the choice to drink, therefore choosing to drink was not something you felt you had to do, but something you wanted to do. Making it okay."

Topaz's breath caught at that. She was pretty much backed into a corner then, wasn't she? If she she said she thought drinking was okay she was pretty sure Rogue would send her to the professor. If she said it wasn't okay, it was admitting she didn't have control over it. "It is what it is," was what she finally settled for.

"True, but if you really felt that way, you wouldn't be here talkin' ta me." Rogue took a calming breath. "What do you think is happening here?"

"I'm talkin' to you because I promised Ms. Frost I would." Topaz looked away again, focusing on the trees. As for what was happening... "I don't know." She really didn't anymore.

"Ah think you do know," Rogue chided gently. They'd managed to walk quite a distance and were by the docks. No one was around, and tapping into the small remnants of Logan's powers, she confirmed their solitude. "You can talk freely. No one can hear..."

Topaz's shoulders hunched up and she turned away, closing her eyes. "S'fine," she insisted weakly. "Everything is fine." She was still in control. She really was.

"It's getting harder and harder to believe that, isn't it."

Yeah. Yeah it was. "It has to be fine."

Finally. Progress. "What happens if it isn't?"

It took a long moment for Topaz to force herself to turn back to face Rogue. There was actual, real fear in her eyes. "I don't know."

"Does the uncertainty scare you?"

She nodded slowly, eyes shifting to look at the lake. "I don't know what to do."

It was always best to end on a happy note,something that might fill Topaz with hope. Rogue didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound patronizing. Instead, she just nodded. "No one does, sugah. We jus' do our best.". She paused for a moment. "Are you gonna be ok? The journal helpin' at all?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I've been writin' in it a lot." Was she going to be okay? She had no idea anymore. It was like simultaneously watching a train wreck and being involved in it. "I think it's helpin'." Which was saying something.

"Good.". Rogue shivered a bit as the wind picked up slightly. "Ready to go back in? Ah could use a nice cup of somethin' hot."

Topaz nodded silently, turning away from the lake to look back at the mansion. She could feel the anxiety mounting again just at the sight of it. "Yeah. Let's go."