xp_logs | Set the wayback machine...

x-polarisstar.livejournal.com posting in

Backdated all the way to March 30th and this post from Manuel.

Lorna and Alison take a walk in the woods. Lorna finally talks a little bit about why she doesn't want Manuel around her ever again.

Somehow this leads to nerf battles and Alison's fans being birds.

Angst, woe and weirdness.

Lorna’s day had been going fairly well. But returning to her room post classes, she’d received Alex’s email. That made her check the journal system. Five tense minutes later, she’d typed a short email response to Alex, fought back the wave of nausea that thinking about Manuel and that...incident in the kitchen always triggered and turned off computer. She sat staring out her window, fingers tapping nervously against the pane.

Alison was hoping not to have to laser the door open again, but would in fact do so if need be. She'd seen the post and it had answered many of the questions she'd been asking Lorna herself, if not all of them -
but regardless of the fact that she'd been trying to get Lorna to talk all week... she just wanted to make certain her friend wasn't alone.

Lorna didn’t turn her head, just called out in a carefully controlled voice, “Ali?”

“S'me...” Alison waited, hearing the strain behind the control.

Since it was Alison and thus one of the two people who she was willing to talk to right now, Lorna flicked the lock open. She continued to stare out the windows, her nails drumming a rapid beat.

Alison slipped inside and closed the door behind her firmly, leaning on the door to look at Lorna for a moment. Her roommate was a ball of frustration and looked like she might just twitch herself out the window with all her pent up energy. After a moment’s thought, Alison put forth a tentative offer, “Wanna go for a run? We can take a break in the woods, and just walk about on our own with no one butting in...”

“Yeah.” The lack of arguing was a bad sign, as was the way Lorna bounded to her feet. Metal zippers being neat things, her coat came to her. She stared at it for a second as she caught it, “If I could really control this, we could leave through the window.” The tension in her voice made it impossible to determine why she said it.

Alison eyed window, half-tempted to take her up on it. “Wanna try?”

The brunette (hints of green were just beginning to show at her hairline) sighed, “No control,” she replied. “Still.” There was bitterness there, beneath the anger and fear and desperate control.

“Will be.” Alison said reassuringly. She was already in running shoes, “Wanna go?” she offered again. Anything to get Lorna moving.

Lorna shrugged and didn’t pursue that line of thought anymore. At least not out loud. “Yeah. I need to get out of here before I fry my laptop.”

Alison opened door, sweeping grand gesture to lead her out “Off we go, then.”

Lorna shrugged her coat on and grabbed a scarf off her bedpost as she went by. “If I see him, make sure I don't have any irrational reactions.” Explanations were beyond her right now, though they were hardly necessary anyway.

“We won't see him.” Alison said firmly. She led Lorna out via the passages usually used by team members, taking a longer route to get outside but a "safer" one. Lorna followed her silently, her face pensive. Once outside, she shoved her hands in her pockets and jumped up and down in angry little hops. It helped warm her and kept her from giving in to the urge to scream until her throat bled. Alison picked a direction at random. “Off we go!” She kept watch on Lorna so she didn’t overdo it in the condition she was in now.

Lorna wouldn't have noticed if she did so it was good that Ali was watching out for her. Lorna jogged with her fists clenched at her sides. She ran at pace with Alison who kept it slow and settled into a walk when Lorna hit the "ran too much for health point"...

Lorna made it out to the tree-line before stopping. She was breathing heavily. The cold air stung her lung and she started coughing. She half bent over, trying to catch her breath.

Alison followed her, radiating a barely perceptible but hot light wave, just enough so that Lorna wouldn't catch a chill.

Lorna settled into a brisk walk, needing to keep moving, “He doesn’t know.”

She wasn't certain who Lorna meants exactly so she simply nodded, keeping pace with Lorna easily enough. Listening.

“It means nothing because he doesn't know.” She flicked a paperclip into a tree. Where she was carrying that was anyone's guess. Her hands hadn’t strayed anywhere near her pockets. “He's not sorry.”

Alison paced by her side steadily, glancing at her from the corner of her eyes and idly hoping she wouldn't trip over something fall flat on her face in the doing, although if it might make Lorna even consider laughing, she'd consider it. But for now she remained silent, letting Lorna speak as she chose, ready to offer comfort - things were in the open now, like it or not. Pushing would have been unforgivable.

Lorna hurled another paperclip into a tree and sighed. “And I’m okay. It’s not like I’m a wreck or anything.” She was only vocalizing about a tenth of her thoughts and even those met a spin doctor on the way out. Minimize, rationalize, explain away. She’d been following the pattern for too long to stop.

"Stop saying you're ok," Alison interjected softly. "Please. Please." The paperclips were a manifestation at least, more than anything she'd have allowed herself before - but nothing compared to what she should let herself express, in a way. "What happened isn't. You're allowed not to be..."

“He’s right though. He was trying to help and I was being a bitch.” She shrugged, “Life goes on.”

"He forced something on you that you did not want." The words are spoken a bit forcefully perhaps, but Alison thought that not entirely unwarranted. "He didn't give you a choice. He did something to you that he had no right to do. All the good intents in the world don't justify that."

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over. Or it would be if he’d just let it die.” Another paperclip buried itself in a tree trunk, punctuating her statement with just that extra twist of viciousness. “Why won’t he just let it go?”

Alison gave her a long look, shaking her head slightly. "Why are you so angry he won't?" she couldn't help asking, knowing Lorna had to stop practically taking the blame for all of this but not knowing how to tell her.

“Because I just want it to have not happened, okay?” Lorna shouted suddenly. “Because I don’t want to remember it.” She turned and stalked off, not really caring if Alison followed.

Alison followed, of course, a bit startled at the outburst perhaps and a touch of adrenaline flowing through her, undoubtedly so. But this was something at least, Lorna reacting - and that was good. She hoped. "It's still not letting you go, is it? Even if you try to forget..." she said the words softly, but clearly enough for Lorna to hear. Perhaps.

Lorna stopped and shook her head but didn’t turn around. “You don’t get it,” she said clearly, “I’m not happy. I know what happy feels like and nothing makes me feel that way. Nothing.” She did turn now, her face pale with bitterness. “Do you understand what that means? I’m not happy doing the things I enjoy. I’m not happy with the people I love. Alex doesn’t make me happy.”

"You think I don't know what he can do?" was all Alison said, a soft whisper that Lorna could barely hear, sudden shadows floating in her eyes. "That perfect moment at the end of a show where all the fans are howling and adore you, the best sex you've ever had, a child's love for his mother, all wrapped up in one perfect moment..."

Lorna nodded, “But not a moment. Hours, days of pure happiness.” She stared away between the trees. She whispered to herself, barely audible, her voice heavy with shame, “And then it was gone. And I would have done anything to feel it again.”

“It's not a normal state of being, hon," Alison edged closer, sighing. "It's not healthy." She didn't regret using that word even with how touchy it might be for Lorna just now with her other issues to take into consideration. "There's a reason why we have to work to achieve that, to earn it... the good balances out the bad, the bad makes us... appreciate the good."

Lorna’s gaze snapped back to Alison, “Of course it’s not,” she said sharply, “But good and bad don’t balance each other out. In this case, the good is the fucking bad. I can’t pretend I’m happy anymore. Because I know what it really feels like.” She bit off her words precisely, as though she was afraid she might tell more than she dared.

"Maybe not pretending anymore's the first step to finding what you really need..." Alison didn't shrug despite the overwhelming urge, not wanting to appear to be trivializing the situation.

“I don’t think it’s a terribly good plan to actively seek depression, Alison.” Lorna shrugged, more than happy to trivialize.

"What are you doing now?" Straight and to the point, Alison having stepped close enough that they were side by side by now, both looking ahead in the darkness of the trees.

“Coping,” Lorna sighed, “as best I can. Since I’m the wrong type of mutant to change the past, I’m just...coping.” She sighed again and shook her head, “Oh Christ, what am I supposed to tell Alex?”

"You could always tell him what you told me," she leaned, nudging Lorna slightly. "The truth. And let him be there for you. Betcha that's all he asks of you..."

Lorna glanced at Alison, "Tell him he doesn't make me happy after he ran off because I told him to and got raped by that bitch? Give me a break."

Firmly repressing the urge to thwap Lorna upside the head, Alison sighed. "Ask Dr Samson about empowerement, hon. Giving him a chance to be strong for you is helping him, you dweeb."

"Look who's talking, Ms. Kettle," Lorna retorted, "You're not exactly the queen of leaning on others yourself."

Alison smiled a bit at that. Tiredly and in self deprecating amusement. "I'll make you a deal, then. Betcha you can guess what. Watcha think, roomie?"

"I think you're trying to be sneaky but what the hell," Lorna extended a hand, then flicked it irritably to shed a couple more paperclips clinging to her palms. She put out her hand again, "I will if you will."

"Remind me when I forget," Alison said softly, placing her palm to Lorna's, fingers closing around her hand firmly. "Deal."

Lorna gripped Alison's hand firmly, "We'll hang a something above Mr. Coffee to remind us."

"It should be metal..." Alison clungs back. "With lights in it. I can ask Hank for a few of those everlasting ones..."

"That sounds like a good plan." Lorna turned and began to walk slowly back toward the school, "I was going to suggest a plushy squirrel so we could peg each other in the head with it in case of moronness. But yours is more symbolic and less violent so that's probably better."

"...oooh. We should get nerf guns." Alison's eyes gleamed with mischief, a smile curling her lips. "I say after we remind each other, we have a nerf war. Or something. Something nerfie."

Lorna gave her a sceptical look, “Oh I don’t know. Nothing says you’re a complete nitwit than a squirrel flying at your head. Do they make nerf squirrels?”

"I'll have some made," was the quietly contented reply, followed by a small smirk. "I had a fan in the business."

"You have fans everywhere. They're like pigeons."

"Don't you compare my fans to flying vermin, missy!" Alison stopped in mid step, one hand firmly planted on her hip, waggling her finger at her room mate warningly.

"Cockroaches?" Lorna suggested teasingly, skipping ahead a few prudent paces.

"HEY!" Alison gaped at her, then narrowed her eyes before leaning a bit forward, digging her heels in to give Lorna a small warning before she sprinted after her. "I'll get you for that!"

Lorna had no chance of out-running Alison. Even in the best of health, Lorna was at a disadvantage thanks to Alison’s obsessive exercise regime. She kept it to a decently paced run, dodging Alison’s outstretched arms and snickering madly.

"I'll make you pay for that! No dissing the fans!" Alison laughed quietly as well, careful not to overtake Lorna... and then made a show of stopping, a smug look on her face. "But ha. Yes, they are everywhere, my fans. Muwahahahahahaha!"

It really wasn't that hard for Alison to pose (evil overlord #48 pose for those who might wonder), and then generate a lazy flash of light to simulate lightning.

Lorna kept jogging and shouted back, “What are they going to do? Play Alison Blaire songs at me? Oh the horror, the horror!”

Alison looked down again, lowering her arm and pouting. "That's it. You're so going to regret that." And she peeled off after Lorna, waggling her fingers threateningly.

"Shaddup and die, wench!"