Doug, Amanda - last Monday morning
Apr. 5th, 2004 10:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAfter this email from Scott, Doug drops by with Amanda's homework assignments and they finally talk about the potion, clubbing, and trying to be better people.
Doug stopped outside the door to Amanda's room, a file folder of assignments in his hand. He looked pensively at the door and his raised hand. He'd told Amanda over the journals that he didn't blame her for things that had happened, and he'd been meaning to come talk to her, but now that he was here, he was a little bit nervous. Also, Scott's email had been vague enough that he was worried. When Manuel was involved, people got hurt, even if it was only by accident. Shaking his head, he knocked tentatively.
Amanda had been drowsing - there wasn't much else to do, since her head had been pounding too much to read or even listen to music - but roused herself at the knock and the thought of someone to talk to: Paige and Jane were off at classes. She was pleased to note, as she pulled herself up in the bed, that the headache had dulled to a muted throb, rather than the sharp stabbing pains of earlier.
"'S open," she called, only just loud enough to be heard, in case she woke the headache up again. Doug slowly pushed the door open and peeked his head around the corner.
"Amanda? It's me, Doug. Scott asked me to pick up your homework..." he trailed off as he saw Amanda holding a hand to her head in pain. "You okay? Anything I can do?"
"You can distract me from me brain tryin' t' crawl out me ears," she said with a wry grimace. Then she nodded - carefully - at the mug sitting on the bedside table. "I'll be all right in a bit, just had some of me willowbark tea that Rahne made up for me. Just waitin' for it t' kick in." She looked at him curiously. "What brings you t' this neck of the woods?"
Doug waved the folder in his head. "Like I said, Captain Sunshine asked me to pick up your assignments for you, since you weren't going to be up to classes. So, here they are." Doug placed them gently on Amanda's desk and pulled a chair over toward her bed. "So, you need any help with any of it? Or help with anything else?"
"Thanks for doin' that. You didn't have t' bring 'em yerself, you could've left 'em with Paige or Jane, even," Amanda said. She gave him a searching look. "Especially since we haven't really talked since the potion thing."
Doug smiled sadly. "I know I could have, but that's not the way I work, Amanda. On top of the fact that I am the mansion den mother second only to Paige, we've also been saying we'll sit down and talk about stuff." Sitting down backwards on the chair, he folded his arms across the top. "So first off, how are you doing, and what happened? Scott's email was remarkably short on details, probably because it isn't necessarily any of my business. But still, I worry about...well, pretty much everyone."
"Normally I'd tell yer I can look after meself, thank you very much, but that ain't exactly true, is it?" Amanda sighed, pulling the pillow up a little further so she could rest her head against it. "I tried t' do a healin' spell on Manuel, an' it went wrong. We... back before I left, we had a link. It got broken by the cleansin' ritual Rom done, and he's been hurtin' ever since. I sort of felt responsible, 'specially since I was fine with it. I forgot healin' makes a connection between people... he wanted the link back, an' his power tried t' do it. Right bloody stupid thing t' do, 'specially after what Nate told me 'bout the link in the first place."
Doug suppressed a quick wince at the mention of Manuel and a link. After what had happened with Marie-Ange after the Kwannon saga, he was a little skittish at any mention of Manuel. But still, it wasn't his place to judge what Amanda did with herself and others. He concentrated on just his friendly concern for Amanda's well-being. "Ouch. Is anyone helping you out with it?"
She noticed the wince, and sighed to herself. There was something going on that involved Manuel, Marie-Ange and Doug, and it didn't bode well. But since no-one was willing to tell her just what was going on, she couldn't do a thing. And after the disaster of the last time she'd tried to help, she wasn't sure she should. Better to concentrate on her own messes, or at least the ones that didn't involve Spanish empaths.
"Yeah, the docs gave me the once-over last night, an' I'm gunna go get one of the 'paths to poke around an' make sure everythin's where it should be, once I can handle it. An' half of this is magic burnout - I pushed too hard last night, used all the power I had. 'M used t' gettin' the odd headache from what I do - I'll be fine in a few days. Might take a bit longer t' get me power levels back up t' actually do anythin', tho'." She shrugged - carefully. "Least it ain't bleedin' from the ears like it was after 'Yana got taken."
Doug smiled a bit more naturally. "That's good then. At least there's nothing really permanently damaged, I hope." He trailed off, not sure what else to say. "So, um..." He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck and looked at the ground.
"Um," Amanda agreed. Awkward silence descended, until Amanda spoke again: "You read me post? 'Bout me power? 'Bout me bein'... addicted to it?"
Doug nodded, looking serious. "I did. You read all my comments about how I don't blame you, right?"
"Yeah. Thing is, none of it would have happened if I hadn't made it in the first place. So you should - blame me, I mean. Yeah I was off me face half the time, but I still was capable of knowin' right from wrong, an' I still did it. I..." She looked down. "I was pissed off at you an' wanted t' see if you really believed all that stuff you were sayin' 'bout love, or whether you'd be like every other bloke in the world, see what yer'd do if you got the chance t' have any girl you wanted."
Doug shrugged. "Yeah, well, I could have thrown the damn thing away the moment I got it, but I didn't. And for that, I blame the psychopath that took up residence in Ms. Braddock's head." He looked curiously at Amanda. "And what'd you see about me?"
"That yer a decent person. More decent 'n I'll ever be."
Doug smiled reassuringly. "I think you sell yourself short, Amanda. I think you're an amazingly strong person to come back from the things that you have. If I were in your place, I don't know if I could have handled all of it. The temptation to give up must be pretty powerful sometimes, but you keep plugging along. I admire that about you."
She shrugged. "I did give up for a while there. Nearly didn't come back from it. If it hadn't been for Angelo, I would've thrown meself off the roof that night an' be done with it." With a sigh, she rubbed her aching temples. "An' I still keep on makin' the same mistakes regardless. Or comin' up with a bunch of new ones. an' sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, all this effort. But that wasn't what I meant. I was talkin' 'bout what you were sayin' 'bout love, an' how it's important." She looked him in the eye. "That weren't the first time I've made that potion, an' it wasn't always for other people. If I couldn't get what I wanted the usual way, I never had a problem usin' whatever else I could."
Doug patted Amanda on the shoulder softly. "But you're trying to change, and that's the important part. And you're getting help from people who want to see you happy and healthy again. With all that you're trying to do, it'd be rather petty to hold all the mistakes of your past against you. We're only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. Nothing wrong with that." He smiled. "So like I said, I don't blame you."
"Do you ever get tired of bein' so good an' understandin' all the time?" she asked, mostly joking, but with a touch of exasperation. "Not that I want you t' be mad at me, but you have no idea how frustratin' it can be for us flawed human bein's t' have you bein' the good example."
"Oh, I'm pretty flawed myself, Amanda. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard, I don't handle stress all that well, and the downside to wearing my heart on my sleeve is I don't have any sort of shielding for it. So I hurt easily, take things too hard sometimes." He shrugged. "I just try to do my best by everyone, is all."
"I dunno which is better, wearin' yer heart where anyone can take a fork to it, or not bein' able t' find it in the first place," Amanda said wryly. "An' I'm tryin' t' do good by people - just don't always turn out that well." She rubbed her forehead lightly to illustrate. "But I keep gettin' told it takes time, which ain't fair, since magic was always a great shortcut." She fell silent, thinking for a moment, and then added: "When the counterspell took, the one for the potion, I thought you'd done it on purpose t' get back at me for teasin' you at the club. 'S why I slapped you."
Doug nodded slowly. "I was pretty mad right after you teased me, truth be told. That...was a bad night, all told," he muttered, remembering the drunken email he had sent Marie, and the vivid "fantasy" he'd participated in at the hands of Kwannon.
"I didn't realise yer'd take it so hard," she said awkwardly. "An' you were so prim an' proper, I wanted t' ruffle you up a bit. Should've thought 'bout it, realised you White Knight types don't take well t' my kind of teasin'." Then she admitted, looking shamefaced: "An' I was a bit high that night - I had the mystical version of a pick me up before I left here."
Doug shrugged. "Honestly, that wasn't the worst part of my night by far. I was a little frustrated at the time, but I got over it quick enough."
"You sure yer over it? After that comment you made in Frenchie's journal 'bout what happened last time we went clubbin', I thought you was holdin' a grudge or somethin'."
"It doesn't have anything to do with you, Amanda. Remember Kwannon?" Doug sighed.
"Sure I remember." Amanda felt again the cold hard grip on her chin as the possessed telepath had cornered her after the Limbo incident and repressed a shudder. "What's she got t' do with it?"
Doug pulled his knees up to his chest. "She knew that, given time, I could probably figure out that she wasn't Ms. Braddock from her body language. So she...decided to distract me. By encouraging me to daydream, and have fantasies about Marie. The biggest one was that night after the clubbing. It was probably even easier to get into my head from the alcohol, and while she was feeding my fantasies, she put instructions in my head so that I couldn't talk about my suspicions about her." He sighed raggedly. "Apparently she decided I wasn't out of the picture enough, though, and so she decided to use the love potion as well."
"Either that or she thought it'd be fun t' watch," Amanda said, her voice hard. "Sick sense of humour, that bitch has. Had. An' that makes twice she used my doin's t' help her." She rubbed her head. "Maybe I should just get 'em t' lock me up in the Box where nothin' I do can have any consequences at all, especially negative ones."
Doug shook his head. "No, that's not it, Amanda. I was trying to explain to you why I don't blame you. _She_ was the one that did all those things. You can't hold yourself responsible for what other people do. The Box isn't the answer. You're working hard at fixing things, not being addicted to your power, doing beneficial magic...that's more than enough for me. I think you're doing very well, and I'm, y'know, happy that you're doing well."
"Sorry. Magic hangovers make me a bit cranky," Amanda said. "An', well, thinkin' I'm a fuck up is an old habit, one that ain't that easy t' break. Me an' Samson are workin' on it tho'." She gave him a searching look. "An' this is a change for you - what happened t' blamin' yerself if everytime someone stubbed their toe?"
"Sometimes blame has to be assigned where it's due," Doug replied. "And it's not so much that I blame myself as I sometimes feel guilty for things that aren't strictly my fault." He shrugged.
"Good t' see it. Yer growin' yerself a backbone, an' that's a good thing. 'S all about the learnin' curve, ain't it?" Amanda chuckled, then yawned. "An' I'm sorry t' get all deep an' meaningful an' not follow through, but I'm knackered. Mind if I toss you out so I can get some sleep?"
"No, I totally understand. Plus, you need your rest to get over that little headache and all." Doug tentatively placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder and squeezed companionably. "Take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you later." He let himself out quietly.
Doug stopped outside the door to Amanda's room, a file folder of assignments in his hand. He looked pensively at the door and his raised hand. He'd told Amanda over the journals that he didn't blame her for things that had happened, and he'd been meaning to come talk to her, but now that he was here, he was a little bit nervous. Also, Scott's email had been vague enough that he was worried. When Manuel was involved, people got hurt, even if it was only by accident. Shaking his head, he knocked tentatively.
Amanda had been drowsing - there wasn't much else to do, since her head had been pounding too much to read or even listen to music - but roused herself at the knock and the thought of someone to talk to: Paige and Jane were off at classes. She was pleased to note, as she pulled herself up in the bed, that the headache had dulled to a muted throb, rather than the sharp stabbing pains of earlier.
"'S open," she called, only just loud enough to be heard, in case she woke the headache up again. Doug slowly pushed the door open and peeked his head around the corner.
"Amanda? It's me, Doug. Scott asked me to pick up your homework..." he trailed off as he saw Amanda holding a hand to her head in pain. "You okay? Anything I can do?"
"You can distract me from me brain tryin' t' crawl out me ears," she said with a wry grimace. Then she nodded - carefully - at the mug sitting on the bedside table. "I'll be all right in a bit, just had some of me willowbark tea that Rahne made up for me. Just waitin' for it t' kick in." She looked at him curiously. "What brings you t' this neck of the woods?"
Doug waved the folder in his head. "Like I said, Captain Sunshine asked me to pick up your assignments for you, since you weren't going to be up to classes. So, here they are." Doug placed them gently on Amanda's desk and pulled a chair over toward her bed. "So, you need any help with any of it? Or help with anything else?"
"Thanks for doin' that. You didn't have t' bring 'em yerself, you could've left 'em with Paige or Jane, even," Amanda said. She gave him a searching look. "Especially since we haven't really talked since the potion thing."
Doug smiled sadly. "I know I could have, but that's not the way I work, Amanda. On top of the fact that I am the mansion den mother second only to Paige, we've also been saying we'll sit down and talk about stuff." Sitting down backwards on the chair, he folded his arms across the top. "So first off, how are you doing, and what happened? Scott's email was remarkably short on details, probably because it isn't necessarily any of my business. But still, I worry about...well, pretty much everyone."
"Normally I'd tell yer I can look after meself, thank you very much, but that ain't exactly true, is it?" Amanda sighed, pulling the pillow up a little further so she could rest her head against it. "I tried t' do a healin' spell on Manuel, an' it went wrong. We... back before I left, we had a link. It got broken by the cleansin' ritual Rom done, and he's been hurtin' ever since. I sort of felt responsible, 'specially since I was fine with it. I forgot healin' makes a connection between people... he wanted the link back, an' his power tried t' do it. Right bloody stupid thing t' do, 'specially after what Nate told me 'bout the link in the first place."
Doug suppressed a quick wince at the mention of Manuel and a link. After what had happened with Marie-Ange after the Kwannon saga, he was a little skittish at any mention of Manuel. But still, it wasn't his place to judge what Amanda did with herself and others. He concentrated on just his friendly concern for Amanda's well-being. "Ouch. Is anyone helping you out with it?"
She noticed the wince, and sighed to herself. There was something going on that involved Manuel, Marie-Ange and Doug, and it didn't bode well. But since no-one was willing to tell her just what was going on, she couldn't do a thing. And after the disaster of the last time she'd tried to help, she wasn't sure she should. Better to concentrate on her own messes, or at least the ones that didn't involve Spanish empaths.
"Yeah, the docs gave me the once-over last night, an' I'm gunna go get one of the 'paths to poke around an' make sure everythin's where it should be, once I can handle it. An' half of this is magic burnout - I pushed too hard last night, used all the power I had. 'M used t' gettin' the odd headache from what I do - I'll be fine in a few days. Might take a bit longer t' get me power levels back up t' actually do anythin', tho'." She shrugged - carefully. "Least it ain't bleedin' from the ears like it was after 'Yana got taken."
Doug smiled a bit more naturally. "That's good then. At least there's nothing really permanently damaged, I hope." He trailed off, not sure what else to say. "So, um..." He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck and looked at the ground.
"Um," Amanda agreed. Awkward silence descended, until Amanda spoke again: "You read me post? 'Bout me power? 'Bout me bein'... addicted to it?"
Doug nodded, looking serious. "I did. You read all my comments about how I don't blame you, right?"
"Yeah. Thing is, none of it would have happened if I hadn't made it in the first place. So you should - blame me, I mean. Yeah I was off me face half the time, but I still was capable of knowin' right from wrong, an' I still did it. I..." She looked down. "I was pissed off at you an' wanted t' see if you really believed all that stuff you were sayin' 'bout love, or whether you'd be like every other bloke in the world, see what yer'd do if you got the chance t' have any girl you wanted."
Doug shrugged. "Yeah, well, I could have thrown the damn thing away the moment I got it, but I didn't. And for that, I blame the psychopath that took up residence in Ms. Braddock's head." He looked curiously at Amanda. "And what'd you see about me?"
"That yer a decent person. More decent 'n I'll ever be."
Doug smiled reassuringly. "I think you sell yourself short, Amanda. I think you're an amazingly strong person to come back from the things that you have. If I were in your place, I don't know if I could have handled all of it. The temptation to give up must be pretty powerful sometimes, but you keep plugging along. I admire that about you."
She shrugged. "I did give up for a while there. Nearly didn't come back from it. If it hadn't been for Angelo, I would've thrown meself off the roof that night an' be done with it." With a sigh, she rubbed her aching temples. "An' I still keep on makin' the same mistakes regardless. Or comin' up with a bunch of new ones. an' sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, all this effort. But that wasn't what I meant. I was talkin' 'bout what you were sayin' 'bout love, an' how it's important." She looked him in the eye. "That weren't the first time I've made that potion, an' it wasn't always for other people. If I couldn't get what I wanted the usual way, I never had a problem usin' whatever else I could."
Doug patted Amanda on the shoulder softly. "But you're trying to change, and that's the important part. And you're getting help from people who want to see you happy and healthy again. With all that you're trying to do, it'd be rather petty to hold all the mistakes of your past against you. We're only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. Nothing wrong with that." He smiled. "So like I said, I don't blame you."
"Do you ever get tired of bein' so good an' understandin' all the time?" she asked, mostly joking, but with a touch of exasperation. "Not that I want you t' be mad at me, but you have no idea how frustratin' it can be for us flawed human bein's t' have you bein' the good example."
"Oh, I'm pretty flawed myself, Amanda. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard, I don't handle stress all that well, and the downside to wearing my heart on my sleeve is I don't have any sort of shielding for it. So I hurt easily, take things too hard sometimes." He shrugged. "I just try to do my best by everyone, is all."
"I dunno which is better, wearin' yer heart where anyone can take a fork to it, or not bein' able t' find it in the first place," Amanda said wryly. "An' I'm tryin' t' do good by people - just don't always turn out that well." She rubbed her forehead lightly to illustrate. "But I keep gettin' told it takes time, which ain't fair, since magic was always a great shortcut." She fell silent, thinking for a moment, and then added: "When the counterspell took, the one for the potion, I thought you'd done it on purpose t' get back at me for teasin' you at the club. 'S why I slapped you."
Doug nodded slowly. "I was pretty mad right after you teased me, truth be told. That...was a bad night, all told," he muttered, remembering the drunken email he had sent Marie, and the vivid "fantasy" he'd participated in at the hands of Kwannon.
"I didn't realise yer'd take it so hard," she said awkwardly. "An' you were so prim an' proper, I wanted t' ruffle you up a bit. Should've thought 'bout it, realised you White Knight types don't take well t' my kind of teasin'." Then she admitted, looking shamefaced: "An' I was a bit high that night - I had the mystical version of a pick me up before I left here."
Doug shrugged. "Honestly, that wasn't the worst part of my night by far. I was a little frustrated at the time, but I got over it quick enough."
"You sure yer over it? After that comment you made in Frenchie's journal 'bout what happened last time we went clubbin', I thought you was holdin' a grudge or somethin'."
"It doesn't have anything to do with you, Amanda. Remember Kwannon?" Doug sighed.
"Sure I remember." Amanda felt again the cold hard grip on her chin as the possessed telepath had cornered her after the Limbo incident and repressed a shudder. "What's she got t' do with it?"
Doug pulled his knees up to his chest. "She knew that, given time, I could probably figure out that she wasn't Ms. Braddock from her body language. So she...decided to distract me. By encouraging me to daydream, and have fantasies about Marie. The biggest one was that night after the clubbing. It was probably even easier to get into my head from the alcohol, and while she was feeding my fantasies, she put instructions in my head so that I couldn't talk about my suspicions about her." He sighed raggedly. "Apparently she decided I wasn't out of the picture enough, though, and so she decided to use the love potion as well."
"Either that or she thought it'd be fun t' watch," Amanda said, her voice hard. "Sick sense of humour, that bitch has. Had. An' that makes twice she used my doin's t' help her." She rubbed her head. "Maybe I should just get 'em t' lock me up in the Box where nothin' I do can have any consequences at all, especially negative ones."
Doug shook his head. "No, that's not it, Amanda. I was trying to explain to you why I don't blame you. _She_ was the one that did all those things. You can't hold yourself responsible for what other people do. The Box isn't the answer. You're working hard at fixing things, not being addicted to your power, doing beneficial magic...that's more than enough for me. I think you're doing very well, and I'm, y'know, happy that you're doing well."
"Sorry. Magic hangovers make me a bit cranky," Amanda said. "An', well, thinkin' I'm a fuck up is an old habit, one that ain't that easy t' break. Me an' Samson are workin' on it tho'." She gave him a searching look. "An' this is a change for you - what happened t' blamin' yerself if everytime someone stubbed their toe?"
"Sometimes blame has to be assigned where it's due," Doug replied. "And it's not so much that I blame myself as I sometimes feel guilty for things that aren't strictly my fault." He shrugged.
"Good t' see it. Yer growin' yerself a backbone, an' that's a good thing. 'S all about the learnin' curve, ain't it?" Amanda chuckled, then yawned. "An' I'm sorry t' get all deep an' meaningful an' not follow through, but I'm knackered. Mind if I toss you out so I can get some sleep?"
"No, I totally understand. Plus, you need your rest to get over that little headache and all." Doug tentatively placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder and squeezed companionably. "Take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you later." He let himself out quietly.
