Nathan, Amanda - Tuesday afternoon
Apr. 13th, 2004 03:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAmanda gets tired of waiting for a reply to these emails, and hunts down Nate to find out what went wrong and why the sudden dramatics. He's evasive, she cheats and looks at his aura and scares the hell out of him in the process. Eventually she reminds him of what he told her when she wasn't coping.
A day was long enough to sulk. Or avoid her. Or whatever the hell he was doing, Amanda decided as she stomped up to the third floor after classes. He hadn't replied to her email, and she was pretty sure he'd been hiding in Moira's rooms all day, and she was damned if she was going to let him do this to her. Especially not without explanation of what she'd done. She rapped on the door sharply. "Oi, Dayspring!" she called, to let him know she meant Business. "Answer the fuckin' door or I'll teleport meself in." A bluff, but _he_ didn't know that.
Inside, Nathan looked away from the window, shifting uneasily in the armchair. He had sensed her coming from downstairs - she was that aggravated - and had briefly toyed with the idea of making his escape while he still had the chance. But she would find him sooner or later, and the longer he put this off the more difficult it would be.
#No need to give yourself a migraine or anything,# he projected. His mental 'voice', at least, he could keep totally cool. #It's open.#
Raising her eyebrow at his telepathic 'voice' in her head - Nate had never projected at her before, except during the link incident, and she'd 'pinged' him first - Amanda opened the door and went in. He looked like shite, she realised, taking in the red-rimmed eyes and stubbled face, but that wasn't going to make her go easy on him. She was pretty certain she hadn't done anything - this time. "Right," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him. "What the fuck was that email about?"
Nathan looked up at her, something in his chest twisting as he heard the hurt in her voice. Oh, this was just a clusterfuck all around, he thought miserably. "I'm sorry," he said stiffly, his eyes going back to the window. "I didn't... I should have been a little clearer. I've got no business giving you advice about what's going on with you and Manuel. It was presumptuous--" Also hypocritical, a voice at the back of his mind hissed, don't forget hypocritical. "--and I just wanted you to know that I see that now."
"Bullshit. Don't get all formal at me, just tell me what's goin' on. If I done somethin' t' screw things
up between us, I just wanna know so I don't do it again." Amanda's tone was a mixture of angry teen and hurt little girl.
"It's not you!" The words came out a little more sharply than he'd intended, and he bit his lip, fighting back something close to outright anguish at the way she was looking at him. "It's not you," he said more quietly, his voice unsteady. "You haven't done anything to screw things up. I've just... I've been sticking my nose into things that have nothing to do with me, and I really have no ground to stand on."
"What, the link? Yer've been the only person in this place that gave me a straight answer t' me questions. An' I _asked_ you about this, remember? You ain't stickin' yer nose in where it ain't wanted." She relented a little at his obvious upset. "Somethin' happened, didn't it?"
Nathan shifted in the chair again, hands running absently over the book in his lap, the one he hadn't been reading. "It doesn't matter," he said, and could have kicked himself for how depressed he sounded. "Just... had a few things pointed out to me. Probably for the best."
Restraining the urge to kick him, Amanda ground her teeth. "Again, bullshit. It does fucking well matter if it means yer gunna hide up here, not sleepin' and probably not eatin' neither. An' it _is_ somethin' t' do with me, since I was the one askin' you about links, so I wanna know what's to be done t' fix it."
Nathan looked at her for a long moment, trying to think of what to say, how to get out of this conversation without hurting her further, or telling her... "I'm not hiding," he said finally, managing a faint, tired smile that felt unconvincing either to him. "I'm supposed to be taking it easy, remember?"
'Must not kick the merc with the telekinesis and the tendency to drop dead in the middle of visions', Amanda reminded herself again. "Funny how 'takin' it easy' looks a hell of a lot like 'punishin' yerself'," she retorted. "An' I know all about that, remember? All you need is the booze an' yer me last month."
"I'm not punishing myself," he said softly, holding the smile on by sheer force of will. "I'm fine, Amanda. I'm sorry I was so terse with you in that email, but I really shouldn't be trying to help anyone with their powers. Remember what I said about taking me as the anti-role model?"
There was more than one way of skinning a cat, and Amanda was, as many people had noted, stubborn. She knew something was majorly Up, but Nate was being an over-protective pillock. But talking wasn't the only option available - her aura sight wasn't telepathy, but it would at least give her an idea of what his emotional state was. "'M sorry t' push," she said, leaning back against the door, arms still folded across her chest. "Was just a bit of a shock, is all, that email. An' you seemed t' be in such a good mood yesterday." As she spoke, she was doing as she'd been taught, calming a portion of her mind and letting her power see for her. The pendant glowed a little, but hopefully nothing more than what could be explained as a trick of the light.
Nathan gave her a wary look, not sure what she was doing. Her presence had changed suddenly, the boundaries of her mind pushing outwards as if... "Amanda, no," he said roughly, struggling to reinforce his shields. But they were in miserable shape, after last night, and he couldn't concentrate.
His aura flared into her vision as he spoke, and she 'saw' his fear and self-loathing, the doubt that had been planted in his head the day before. Why she couldn't tell, but that didn't matter any way, since what had become blatantly obvious was that large portions of Nate's energy were... missing. There were threads - the smaller one was his link to Moira, she reasoned - but there was another, thicker, almost ropelike, and it spiralled away to somewhere she couldn't... quite... see.
"Don't touch it!" Nathan snapped, fear flooding through him. He didn't know how she was doing this, but his shields didn't seem to be helping, and the possibilities were terrifying. "If she sees you...."
The panic in his voice reached through her fascination. She'd never seen anything like this, which wasn't saying a whole lot, but she was willing to bet Romany hadn't either. "No touchin', got you," she said. "Just lookin', is all." She stopped trying to follow the thread to where it led, and contented herself with studying how it seemed to be a conduit, draining off his energy to that Other Place, and in return he was getting... something back. Amanda wished she really knew more about this.
"What--what are you doing?" he asked raggedly, his hands clenching involuntarily at the arms of his chair. There wasn't any sense of contact, or at least not in any way he was used to it, but his instincts were still screaming at him, demanding he respond.
His fear was clouding everything else, and she closed her eyes, letting the magic leave her. "I was lookin' at yer aura," she said, opening them again once she'd gotten rid of the spell. "You weren't bein' straight with me, an' I thought we had an understandin', that we'd help each other out with this whole walkin' in the dark business. I should've asked first, but I didn't think you'd notice. No-one else does." She gave an apologetic shrug. "Didn't mean t' scare you like that."
Nathan didn't answer for a moment. He rubbed his eyes, letting the adrenalin bleed away for a moment. It left utter exhaustion behind, and it took some effort just to answer her. "You want me to be straight with you? Fine," he said hoarsely. "You may have asked me for advice on the link, Manuel might have asked me for help... but it's no good, Amanda, I can't help either of you. He showed me... I didn't understand how much I was letting my own experience color what I was telling you." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "And I let a link happen under even worse circumstances, so that makes me every bit the hypocrite he..." Trailing off, he looked away, his hands tightening on the arms of the chair again almost spasmodically. "I can't be trusted to handle this," he said dully, hoping she wouldn't push it any farther. He couldn't tell her about Manuel lashing out at the link between him and Moira, or his reaction...
"I asked for yer advice 'cause I trusted you, an' yer the only one who don't tell me t' just forget 'bout him an' let him sort himself out. Yer 'bout the only one who gave me _advice_, an' not lectures 'bout how stupid it was to have it in the first place. An' yer've been helpin'. Me, at least. An' I think Manny too - he seems... better, since I got back. Not as broken." Amanda pushed herself off the door and crossed to the chair opposite his, where she perched on the arm. "An' I dunno 'bout the link you have with Moira, but I do know she's happier than I've ever seen her. She gets all gooey when she talks about you, you know? An' she'd be first t' tell you t' stop bein' such a pillock. Well, she'd call you somethin' like a haggis, her bein' Scottish an' all, but you get the idea. She trusts you, an' so do I. An' that's good enough for me. But I won't pester you 'bout it, if you don't want me to. I'll muddle through, same as I've always done."
"I just..." He stopped, staring up at her for a long moment, angry with himself. "I just want you to be well, and happy," he said, a bit more steadily. "If you want to talk about this, about anything... I'll listen, Amanda. I just don't know if I can actually help. And Manuel..." He swallowed hard. "I think I can't do anything for him," he said very quietly. "I don't think I'm tough enough, these days."
"You don't always have t' be tough, or at least that's what..." She made a point of counting on her fingers. "Oh, everyone, was telling me last month. An' I appreciate you tryin' t' help Manny, even with the stuff you told me about - you did more 'n anyone would have expected. He's... a right pain in the arse sometimes, even without Prior Issues," she said, the tone of her voice a combination of affection and confusion. "An' from what I saw, in yer aura... yer don' all right. I know you don't think so, but you are."
Nathan looked up at her, finding the energy somewhere for a wry smile. "Nothing like beating me over the head with that torch we were talking about. It was a torch, right? I'm forgetting my own metaphors..." He was also babbling, he told himself, and closed his mouth.
"'M happy t' beat you over the head with whatever's handy, if you insist on bein' a pillock," she replied. "But right now I'm gunna go an' make you up some of the herbal gunk that Homily gave me t' help calm me down when I'm stressed, an' yer gunna drink it, even if I have t' sit on you an' pour it down yer throat, an' yer gunna do that restin' yer supposed t' be doin'." She stood, perparing to go and make good on her threat, but paused first to come over and pat his arm briefly. "I appreciate it, you helpin' me," she said. "Might not always seem like it, but I do. An' I don't think yer doin' that bad a job, either."
Maybe he wasn't screwing things up quite as badly as he'd thought, at least not with her. Nathan blinked, taken aback by how much relief the thought provoked. "And I appreciate having all these people around who'll kick my ass," he said. "I seem to be clueless enough that I need it." He looked up at her, determinedly pulling himself together. "I am here, whenever you need to talk," he said more softly. "That much I know I can do, mi'caehla." The Askani endearment slipped out before he could help it.
She didn't question the term, sensing the intention behind it even if she didn't understand the word. "'S enough for me," she said simply, before giving his arm another pat and leaving to make up Homily's calming brew.
A day was long enough to sulk. Or avoid her. Or whatever the hell he was doing, Amanda decided as she stomped up to the third floor after classes. He hadn't replied to her email, and she was pretty sure he'd been hiding in Moira's rooms all day, and she was damned if she was going to let him do this to her. Especially not without explanation of what she'd done. She rapped on the door sharply. "Oi, Dayspring!" she called, to let him know she meant Business. "Answer the fuckin' door or I'll teleport meself in." A bluff, but _he_ didn't know that.
Inside, Nathan looked away from the window, shifting uneasily in the armchair. He had sensed her coming from downstairs - she was that aggravated - and had briefly toyed with the idea of making his escape while he still had the chance. But she would find him sooner or later, and the longer he put this off the more difficult it would be.
#No need to give yourself a migraine or anything,# he projected. His mental 'voice', at least, he could keep totally cool. #It's open.#
Raising her eyebrow at his telepathic 'voice' in her head - Nate had never projected at her before, except during the link incident, and she'd 'pinged' him first - Amanda opened the door and went in. He looked like shite, she realised, taking in the red-rimmed eyes and stubbled face, but that wasn't going to make her go easy on him. She was pretty certain she hadn't done anything - this time. "Right," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him. "What the fuck was that email about?"
Nathan looked up at her, something in his chest twisting as he heard the hurt in her voice. Oh, this was just a clusterfuck all around, he thought miserably. "I'm sorry," he said stiffly, his eyes going back to the window. "I didn't... I should have been a little clearer. I've got no business giving you advice about what's going on with you and Manuel. It was presumptuous--" Also hypocritical, a voice at the back of his mind hissed, don't forget hypocritical. "--and I just wanted you to know that I see that now."
"Bullshit. Don't get all formal at me, just tell me what's goin' on. If I done somethin' t' screw things
up between us, I just wanna know so I don't do it again." Amanda's tone was a mixture of angry teen and hurt little girl.
"It's not you!" The words came out a little more sharply than he'd intended, and he bit his lip, fighting back something close to outright anguish at the way she was looking at him. "It's not you," he said more quietly, his voice unsteady. "You haven't done anything to screw things up. I've just... I've been sticking my nose into things that have nothing to do with me, and I really have no ground to stand on."
"What, the link? Yer've been the only person in this place that gave me a straight answer t' me questions. An' I _asked_ you about this, remember? You ain't stickin' yer nose in where it ain't wanted." She relented a little at his obvious upset. "Somethin' happened, didn't it?"
Nathan shifted in the chair again, hands running absently over the book in his lap, the one he hadn't been reading. "It doesn't matter," he said, and could have kicked himself for how depressed he sounded. "Just... had a few things pointed out to me. Probably for the best."
Restraining the urge to kick him, Amanda ground her teeth. "Again, bullshit. It does fucking well matter if it means yer gunna hide up here, not sleepin' and probably not eatin' neither. An' it _is_ somethin' t' do with me, since I was the one askin' you about links, so I wanna know what's to be done t' fix it."
Nathan looked at her for a long moment, trying to think of what to say, how to get out of this conversation without hurting her further, or telling her... "I'm not hiding," he said finally, managing a faint, tired smile that felt unconvincing either to him. "I'm supposed to be taking it easy, remember?"
'Must not kick the merc with the telekinesis and the tendency to drop dead in the middle of visions', Amanda reminded herself again. "Funny how 'takin' it easy' looks a hell of a lot like 'punishin' yerself'," she retorted. "An' I know all about that, remember? All you need is the booze an' yer me last month."
"I'm not punishing myself," he said softly, holding the smile on by sheer force of will. "I'm fine, Amanda. I'm sorry I was so terse with you in that email, but I really shouldn't be trying to help anyone with their powers. Remember what I said about taking me as the anti-role model?"
There was more than one way of skinning a cat, and Amanda was, as many people had noted, stubborn. She knew something was majorly Up, but Nate was being an over-protective pillock. But talking wasn't the only option available - her aura sight wasn't telepathy, but it would at least give her an idea of what his emotional state was. "'M sorry t' push," she said, leaning back against the door, arms still folded across her chest. "Was just a bit of a shock, is all, that email. An' you seemed t' be in such a good mood yesterday." As she spoke, she was doing as she'd been taught, calming a portion of her mind and letting her power see for her. The pendant glowed a little, but hopefully nothing more than what could be explained as a trick of the light.
Nathan gave her a wary look, not sure what she was doing. Her presence had changed suddenly, the boundaries of her mind pushing outwards as if... "Amanda, no," he said roughly, struggling to reinforce his shields. But they were in miserable shape, after last night, and he couldn't concentrate.
His aura flared into her vision as he spoke, and she 'saw' his fear and self-loathing, the doubt that had been planted in his head the day before. Why she couldn't tell, but that didn't matter any way, since what had become blatantly obvious was that large portions of Nate's energy were... missing. There were threads - the smaller one was his link to Moira, she reasoned - but there was another, thicker, almost ropelike, and it spiralled away to somewhere she couldn't... quite... see.
"Don't touch it!" Nathan snapped, fear flooding through him. He didn't know how she was doing this, but his shields didn't seem to be helping, and the possibilities were terrifying. "If she sees you...."
The panic in his voice reached through her fascination. She'd never seen anything like this, which wasn't saying a whole lot, but she was willing to bet Romany hadn't either. "No touchin', got you," she said. "Just lookin', is all." She stopped trying to follow the thread to where it led, and contented herself with studying how it seemed to be a conduit, draining off his energy to that Other Place, and in return he was getting... something back. Amanda wished she really knew more about this.
"What--what are you doing?" he asked raggedly, his hands clenching involuntarily at the arms of his chair. There wasn't any sense of contact, or at least not in any way he was used to it, but his instincts were still screaming at him, demanding he respond.
His fear was clouding everything else, and she closed her eyes, letting the magic leave her. "I was lookin' at yer aura," she said, opening them again once she'd gotten rid of the spell. "You weren't bein' straight with me, an' I thought we had an understandin', that we'd help each other out with this whole walkin' in the dark business. I should've asked first, but I didn't think you'd notice. No-one else does." She gave an apologetic shrug. "Didn't mean t' scare you like that."
Nathan didn't answer for a moment. He rubbed his eyes, letting the adrenalin bleed away for a moment. It left utter exhaustion behind, and it took some effort just to answer her. "You want me to be straight with you? Fine," he said hoarsely. "You may have asked me for advice on the link, Manuel might have asked me for help... but it's no good, Amanda, I can't help either of you. He showed me... I didn't understand how much I was letting my own experience color what I was telling you." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "And I let a link happen under even worse circumstances, so that makes me every bit the hypocrite he..." Trailing off, he looked away, his hands tightening on the arms of the chair again almost spasmodically. "I can't be trusted to handle this," he said dully, hoping she wouldn't push it any farther. He couldn't tell her about Manuel lashing out at the link between him and Moira, or his reaction...
"I asked for yer advice 'cause I trusted you, an' yer the only one who don't tell me t' just forget 'bout him an' let him sort himself out. Yer 'bout the only one who gave me _advice_, an' not lectures 'bout how stupid it was to have it in the first place. An' yer've been helpin'. Me, at least. An' I think Manny too - he seems... better, since I got back. Not as broken." Amanda pushed herself off the door and crossed to the chair opposite his, where she perched on the arm. "An' I dunno 'bout the link you have with Moira, but I do know she's happier than I've ever seen her. She gets all gooey when she talks about you, you know? An' she'd be first t' tell you t' stop bein' such a pillock. Well, she'd call you somethin' like a haggis, her bein' Scottish an' all, but you get the idea. She trusts you, an' so do I. An' that's good enough for me. But I won't pester you 'bout it, if you don't want me to. I'll muddle through, same as I've always done."
"I just..." He stopped, staring up at her for a long moment, angry with himself. "I just want you to be well, and happy," he said, a bit more steadily. "If you want to talk about this, about anything... I'll listen, Amanda. I just don't know if I can actually help. And Manuel..." He swallowed hard. "I think I can't do anything for him," he said very quietly. "I don't think I'm tough enough, these days."
"You don't always have t' be tough, or at least that's what..." She made a point of counting on her fingers. "Oh, everyone, was telling me last month. An' I appreciate you tryin' t' help Manny, even with the stuff you told me about - you did more 'n anyone would have expected. He's... a right pain in the arse sometimes, even without Prior Issues," she said, the tone of her voice a combination of affection and confusion. "An' from what I saw, in yer aura... yer don' all right. I know you don't think so, but you are."
Nathan looked up at her, finding the energy somewhere for a wry smile. "Nothing like beating me over the head with that torch we were talking about. It was a torch, right? I'm forgetting my own metaphors..." He was also babbling, he told himself, and closed his mouth.
"'M happy t' beat you over the head with whatever's handy, if you insist on bein' a pillock," she replied. "But right now I'm gunna go an' make you up some of the herbal gunk that Homily gave me t' help calm me down when I'm stressed, an' yer gunna drink it, even if I have t' sit on you an' pour it down yer throat, an' yer gunna do that restin' yer supposed t' be doin'." She stood, perparing to go and make good on her threat, but paused first to come over and pat his arm briefly. "I appreciate it, you helpin' me," she said. "Might not always seem like it, but I do. An' I don't think yer doin' that bad a job, either."
Maybe he wasn't screwing things up quite as badly as he'd thought, at least not with her. Nathan blinked, taken aback by how much relief the thought provoked. "And I appreciate having all these people around who'll kick my ass," he said. "I seem to be clueless enough that I need it." He looked up at her, determinedly pulling himself together. "I am here, whenever you need to talk," he said more softly. "That much I know I can do, mi'caehla." The Askani endearment slipped out before he could help it.
She didn't question the term, sensing the intention behind it even if she didn't understand the word. "'S enough for me," she said simply, before giving his arm another pat and leaving to make up Homily's calming brew.
