xp_logs | Alison and Xavin

"Because I don't know what to do anymore. I love this place. It's dramatic and oppressive, but it's the closest thing to a true family I've ever known."

The chill of October nights had set in by the time Alison found her way to the old field. There was some run-down wooden building off in the distance, glowing like fire in the waning hours of twilight. The grass was tall and the breeze was just light enough that it swayed and rippled like an ocean.

For Alison, it was heaven. It was her escape from the heavy thoughts and hand-written letters that had plagued her recently.

She just sat, and let the chirping of crickets and rustling of the trees take her away from it all.

Xavin had headed out for a walk because sometimes there was only so much time you could spend in the mansion. The place felt like a pressure cooker sometimes - so many people and most of them were so wound up. It was good to just ... get out sometimes. Spotting Alison, Xavin waved. "Hey. How's it going?"

Alison raised a hand, giving a bit of a half-hearted wave in what sounded like the right direction. "Hey, Xavin." She smiled. "Fancy seeing you here."

"I could say the same thing. What're you up to?"

Alison took a deep breath, enjoying the way the cold air smelled like a memory from when she was younger. "Just thinking. I've had a lot on my mind, recently." She thought back to the stack of letters on her desk. Definitely a lot to think about.

"Yeah? What's up?"

Maybe talking it out would help. Besides, Xavin was a friend. "My hiatus is almost up. The record company is starting to get on to me about finalizing my decision to leave and I don't know what to do anymore." Alison rolled over, turning to look at Xavin for the first time.

"I wasn't ever supposed to want to go back. That's why I quit in the first place."

"Wait, why aren't you supposed to want to go back?" Xavin asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Because I was supposed to be happy!" she exclaimed, sitting up. "I was just so damn lonely. Everyone knew Dazzler when I was big. The bubbly happy pop idol. That was who everyone wanted to know. Nobody cared about Alison. I was defined entirely by what I could do."

She slumped. "I wanted to stop being fake. So I did. But...."

"Wow. I get not wanting to be fake anymore but I didn't know you hated it so much. It sounds... horrible. And you want to go back?" Xavin settled on the grass beside her.

"I miss it," she whispered. Her words carried in the dusk. "I shouldn't have ever missed it, but I do. Being on stage, singing, and listening to the crowd sing with me. Have you ever had twenty thousand people sing in one voice, knowing that you're the one who made that happen?"

It wasn't very diplomatic but Xavin giggled at that, just for a moment. "Sorry! I didn't mean anything by that - it's just so different to anything I've done. It sounds terrifying, actually."

"It's amazing," she marveled. "Even with everything we've done and everything I've seen since I got here, it's the closest thing to magic I've ever experienced."

Alison relaxed into the grass. "And it's not just that. It's not even the parties or the awards or my name absolutely everywhere. I've helped so many people. The letters from the fans are amazing."

"Wow." Xavin picked up a fallen leaf and shredded it. "It sounds... incredible. Why aren't you going back? I mean, this place kind of sucks - everyone has so much drama and we're pretty much under lock and key for safety reasons."

"Because I don't know what to do anymore. I love this place. It's dramatic and oppressive, but it's the closest thing to a true family I've ever known. I'm free to just be who I really am, without the mask and without the pressure."

She covered her eyes with an arm, picking at the grass mildly. "You see my dilemma?" she asked, her smile wry.

Xavin gave a soft, bitter laugh, looking down at short, stubby fingers tangled in the grass. They thinned and lengthened, just for a moment, bitten nails staying the same as they changed. "You're lucky. I wouldn't know what that's like."

Alison rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin on her hands, looking up at Xavin. "How do you mean?"

Xavin shredded another leaf. "I had to make a choice last year - do I go school here as a boy or a girl? I chose boy because it's easier to hide my shifting that way and because it doesn't matter except - do you have any idea how much it fucking matters to those people?" The sun was shining on the lake, gilding the water. It was easier to study that than look at Alison. Heart pounding Xavin continued, "So I went with the one that was easier to keep up but it doesn't matter what I chose, because whichever way I went, I was going to have to spend the rest of forever in the closet over something that shouldn't matter." A wash of green spread across Xavin's hands and face for a moment, control temporarily slipping. "And now I'm freaking green. At least you can go back to being you. Not all of us can."

There was a long, long pause as Alison struggled for the right words. This sort of thing had never come easy for her, but she couldn't just leave it there. She had to say something.

"It sucks." Nice, Alison, very eloquent. I can see why you became a lyricist. "I mean," she rolled over on her stomach. "It's more than that, obviously, but really it just absolutely sucks that things have worked out like that for you. You're an amazing person, and deserve better than that. If I knew how to make it better, I would. But I don't."

She took a deep breath and dropped her face into the grass. "But at the same time that doesn't invalidate how I feel either. You've definitely got it worse, but it's not like I can just get rid of what I'm feeling because it's not as meaningful or difficult in the grand scheme of things. It's still something important to me, and..." she sighed heavily, and her voice dropped to a low murmur. "And I'm screwing up this whole thing, aren't I? Sorry."

"No. It's uh. It's fine. I'm not good at this stuff either." Xavin gave her a weak smile.

Alison pulled herself to her feet, suddenly annoyed. "This is dumb. Let's go do something stupid and not tell the adults." Anything to break the awkward aura that had fallen over the two friends.

She stuck her hand out to help Xavin up off the ground. They could figure everything else out later.