Log: Scott and Haller (Backdated)

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In the aftermath of Haller's behavior on the mission Scott goes to talk to him.

For all that he complained that the mansion was a small world Scott enjoyed having people around, the knowing that everyone was within a short walk was a good feeling. If only so he knew that as much as possible everyone was safe, or at least that was the theory. Unfortunately it seems that Haller was the proverbial exception to the rule, he wasn't in his office or any of the communal spaces you would normally find him. It was only after asking around Scott had discovered that the man had been seen making his way off into the grounds. With that established it wasn't hard for Scott to locate his friend, although the quarry was the last place he'd expected to see him.


His presence was obvious, if not from the psi's gaunt frame than from the boulders orbiting in the middle of the quarry like a very localized solar system. Haller's forehead was creased in concentration, one hand winding in absent circles that correlated to each orbit. At the sound of pebbles bouncing from Scott's steps he jumped and spun.

"Oh," Haller said, trying not to acknowledge the half-dozen boulders raining around him, "Scott. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention . . ."

"That could be a little dangerous," Scott allowed, "Although that was pretty impressive. I didn't realize your control was that advanced, I don't think I've ever seen you manage so many objects moving at the same time before."


"You mean as individual units? Yeah, Jack didn't usually bother, especially in the field." Haller sighed and swiped an arm across his forehead. "But after I got back last year telekinesis was suddenly easy. I just wanted to try it out while I still can."

"It never hurts to make the most of something while you've got it," Scott agreed, "Never know how long you can enjoy it for, but then you also never know when it'll stick around," Scott grinned as he gestured towards his eye. "I think Jack could do it more, it's pretty impressive to watch, you know as long as they're not going to come raining down on top of me if I offend."

"Yeah, my phone rang earlier and I dropped something on my foot. Now I've got a minimum levitation radius for anything bigger than a breadbox."

The younger man stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned to Scott. There was no real point to dragging out small talk when he was fairly certain he knew why the other man had come. "I guess the professor talked to you," he said, without preamble.

Scott nodded leaning his back against the side of the quarry. "Yeah, we just spoke," he admitted nodding his head at the mansion. "He's been worried about you, we all have especially after Legion's excesses. He had me scared for a moment there."


Haller followed Scott's glance, silent for a moment. "I really couldn't see how bad it was," he replied. "Even if I had, I don't think I would have cared. Charles is too polite to say, but I'm sure he suspected. He didn't hold me back until the thing with Tildie, but he didn't exactly steer me back into the team, either. Even though I was operating on a level where I probably could have done whole missions solo."

The silence stretched again. Finally Haller turned to face Scott. His left iris still contained a small slice of blue, but the brown pigmentation that signified the presence of Jim had almost entirely swallowed it.

"I still . . ." his eyes flicked away again. "Sometimes I still wish I could not care like that."

"Charles has never been one for outright steering, the odd poke or prod is more his style," Scott agreed, "Until Tildie none of us realized how bad it was, but when Legion starting acting up, I'll admit I was scared for a moment. Like you said, a team all by yourself. I won't lie, we all may have overlooked the small clues in the name of getting the job done. I think that's what we're all doing now." Scott scrubbed a hand over his face, "I won't tell you that being able to shut off emotions wouldn't be nice. After everything we've been through, just being able to put it all to a side would make everything so much easier. But then we lose everything that brought us here in the first place."


"I know." Jim rubbed his eyes, a partial reflection of Scott. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you in that position that night. It didn't help the team, I know it damaged Jean's opinion of us, and it sure as hell didn't help public opinion of mutants." He grimaced. "And I even gave you a hard time about taking care of yourself last year."

"That night, there is no-where I'd rather have been," came the reply, "You might not have helped the public opinion of mutants, but it wasn't really that high to start off with these days. Jean...had issues with the team before you came long. I think she just needs to match the reality of the team with the image she had in her head, she's as idealistic as ever while these days we're not." Scott gave Haller a wry look, "I'm more concerned with how you're taking all this," he admitted.


Scott's friend was quiet. He seemed to be struggling with something.

"I know that couldn't go on," Jim said at last. "I have to . . . grieve. Charles was right. But right now there are times I'm so angry I feel like if I were in the same room as him I would break his neck."

"He does have that effect on people sometimes," Scott agreed, "But you're allowed to be angry, supposed to be even." Scott looked around wryly, "I'm pretty sure this quarry has seen more explosions this year than ever before as people work out their stress. Our new housemates must think we're all quite violent. But it's a lot to take in everything that was true all of a sudden wasn't, being angry is a better reaction than mine I'll be honest."


Jim gave him a wry smile. "Which was?"

"You know me," Scott replied leaning back against eh quarry wall, "I decided to ignore everything and make sure everyone else was alright and settling in ok. To be the 'rock'" Scott returned Haller's wry smile, "It made sense, right up until the point Adrienne decided to drop me on my butt and spell out some home truths about coping." Scott shook his head, "I'd offer to do the same but," he gestured at the air, "I doubt I'd have the safe chance of knocking you down."


"Oh, right . . ." Jim had a vague memory of hearing about that incident, possibly from Scott himself. A lot of the conversations he'd had last year felt like they'd been conducted by a third party. He scuffed the back of his head. "Rachel did try, probably because she can return fire, but my head was too far up my ass to deal with it. I just threw her out." He winced. "It wasn't violent, but she's still dodging me. I can't really blame her."


"She'll get over it in time," Scott sympathized, "People here have learned to develop thick skins, after everything we go through it's kinda surprising that we don't have more arguments and people baying for blood. I think I can count on one hand the number of people who actually really have it in for one another. That said...if you need a wingman when you go talk to her."


Jim snorted. "Thanks, but I have a feeling bringing a spotter to my apology would end in a me-shaped hole in the wall. It's okay. I got myself into it, I'll get myself out."

"If you're sure, I do a mean bodyguard impression, although diving in the way of angry women is above and beyond the call, definitely what I'd call hazard pay." Scott noted dryly.


"Moira's angry, redheaded daughter is probably equal to an inheritance-level retainer fee." The psi pinched the bridge of his nose. "I just feel like an asshole. I was willing to burn relationships to the ground rather than listen to what people were telling me without a second thought. At least when Jack tries that it I know it's out of a human emotion like spite."

"We've all done that," Scott pointed out, "Sometimes it's easier to push people away rather than deal with our problems at the time. No-one enjoys facing their demons." Scott scrubbed a hand over his face and offered Haller a smile, "I've always taken Jack pushing people away as a sign of affection, for him anyway."


"Point. I don't know if I agree with 'there's a fine line between love and hate,' but they do both require emotional investment." Jim sighed, folding his arms over his chest. "I don't know. Sometimes building relationships feels like gambling. The more you wager, the more you have to lose. It's like pushing a boulder uphill, knowing that at any moment you could lose your grip and progress goes back to zero." Jim gave Scott an apologetic smile. "Sorry. You're trying to be positive. It just feels like after all those years of effort, my arms are getting tired."

"I could say something incredibly cliche here about how we're all here to help you lift the boulder up the hill, but you kinda expect that from me and I'd be lying if I didn't say I felt the same way sometimes. It's hard watching relationships vanish and twist," Scott slid down the wall to sit and picked up a shard of rock tossing it randomly across the quarry. "A year ago I was convinced that it wasn't worth getting close to anyone, especially people who I had known. It wasn't worth getting close to any of them if it would end up like Jean all over again. But that was never going to work, you and I, we're not Logan. I don't think either of us could live a life where we don't get involved with people, I know I'd get too lonely. Besides, the people here have a way of getting under your skin and drawing you out of your shell one way or the other, well either that or they'll kill you trying."


Or vice versa, Jim thought, remembering his confrontation with Charles even though he knew it was unproductive. He could have, but he hadn't. He had to let that go.

"True," the psi said aloud, "I just wish life in a monastery somewhere didn't look so appealing right now." He sighed and fixed his gaze on a few stones, which began to swirl absently. "I guess if there's a bright side to this it's that I've already been around people enough to not be jarred by the differences. Although to be honest they've never really been comparable to me. Some of them look alike, but they don't feel the same. I'm not really reading them, but even without telepathy I could tell the difference just by looking. I guess I was more sensitive than I thought."

"If you find a monastery which would take us I'd move there in a heartbeat," Scott allowed idly ricocheting a beam between Haller's floating stones. "They're not the same people, you're right, but when I first saw them it hit me. I guess we shouldn't compare them, but it's human nature. When I first met some of them I couldn't help comparing them to people that we used to know, or rather who they could have been. Not really fair of me but it's human nature I guess, took me longer to learn than you I think."

"We all make associations. But that's our problem, not theirs." Jim shrugged. "I've concluded the most important part of human nature is finding a way to get past it."

Scott nodded, "We get past most things," he agreed, "It's always just a matter of time."

"Yeah. It's just a matter of getting through it." Jim paused, eyes fixed on the blast-pocked rock. At all those boulders.

"So," Jim said at last, "you wanna blow some stuff up for a while?"

"Why, I thought you'd never ask," Scott smiled, "I guess this place could do with some explosive redecorating."


Jim nodded, relieved. He reached out with his telekinesis and began to juggle a handful of stones.

"Okay. I'll pull, you shoot."

Scott nodded, leaning back to stare at the air above their heads, red energy gathering in his eyes as a few seconds later the crack of shattering stone echoed around the quarry followed by a whistle and another crack.