xp_logs | I am retarded, and posted this in the wrong journal...

x-cannonball.livejournal.com posting in

Wednesday Evening

Piotr has been looking for Sam.. he wasn't in his bedroom, the kitchen, the gym, the stables, or the rec room. On the verge of asking Xavier to check Cerebro for him, and heads into the library to check there. Holding a somewhat large manila envelope, Piotr carefully checks between the aisles of books until he finds Sam...

Sam is standing in the heavily-stocked row of books on flight. He leans against one side, letting his eyes wander over the titles on the shelves of the other side. He turns abruptly when Piotr finds him, face dark with brooding. A very uncharacteristic look. "Piotr?"

Piotr smiles gently, he was prepared for this. Of what little he saw of Sam from yesterday, and from what Alison told him. "Hello, Sam... I was hoping you could help me with something, please?"

Sam looks puzzled, his eyebrows scrunching as he stands up straight on his feet. "Um...sure thing. Yeah." His voice is a little hoarse, as if he hadn't been using it much recently. "What. What with?"

Piotr frowns, looking concerned.. Sam looks and even sounds worse than before. He glances down at the folder, and then back up at Sam, re-thinking what he had in mind. "Um.. could we come sit.. at a table?" He absently motions to one.

"I...sure. A table." Sam sits heavily at the table, leaning his chin in his hands and splaying his legs out at a lazy angle. He wonders for a moment what Piotr's on about, and why he seems so awkward, but his recent bout with apathy takes over, and he sits listlessly waiting for an explanation without asking any questions.

Piotr sits down across from Sam, sets the folder down, but doesn't open it. He leans his head down so it's somewhat level with Sam's, and asks in a quiet voice, "Sam.. what is wrong?"

Sam had begun staring off into space, and jerks back to the real world at the sound of Piotr's voice. "Oh, nothing." He falls silent for an awkward moment and decides that the subject really needs to be changed. "What's. Um. What's in the folder?"

Piotr shakes his head a bit, his tone becoming sterner, "Sam.. do not lie to me, I know something is wrong. It is so..." he pauses, thinking of the right word, "obvious... you can talk to me about it..."

He shrugs noncommittally and stares at the tabletop, tracing the wood grain with a calloused finger. "Okay, so I'm under the weather. Ya caught me. But I don't hafta talk about it." Suddenly fuming for no good reason, he hisses "I asked you a question, y'know. What's the goddamn folder for?"

Piotr stares at Sam unblinking. He has never once heard Sam talk that way, not to him. His nostrils flare, his lips thin, and his eyes go cold for a long moment. Knowing this is because Sam is hurting, he simply opens the folder, taking a drawing from it, and slides it in front of Sam. His shoulder lifts slightly in a small shrug, "It is for you." 'It' is a drawing of Alison, looking at something (not pictured) next to her, with an adoring, loving expression on her face.

Sam stares at the picture, reactionless for a long moment. Remorse for snapping at Piotr washes over him in waves, followed closely by a mélange of indescribable emotions. He knows what Alison is looking at. Piotr doesn't have to tell him. And he doesn't know what to do. He just. Can't. Handle it. Anymore. It doesn't take much to get him upset these days, and he doesn't like it. Crying is awkward, and it leaves him feeling empty. Tears leak out of his eyes, though unbidden, and he pushes the drawing away to save it from ruin as Sam lays his head down on the table and lets himself go. He cries silently, shuddering, not caring that Piotr is watching, not caring about much of anything as his solidity crumples.

Piotr's expression softens considerably.. he didn't think it would make Sam cry. He had just hoped it would help him open up. Starting to feel like he's a human handkerchief, Piotr quietly gets up and crosses the table, sits down next to Sam and puts an arm around him for comfort. He speaks in hardly more than a whisper, "Sam.. I am sorry.. I just do not want you to hurt anymore.. you or Alison.. and I do not understand why you will not talk to her, or you will not talk to me.. or why you feel so bad.. she wants you to be with her, and I know you want to be with her. I can see it easily, so why are you both having such troubles?"

Sam shakes his head, looking up. His face is dry, if a bit puffy, and his voice is sounding close to normal again. His words come slowly, his accent thick with a lot of painful pauses, but he knows Piotr will listen and let him speak. "She don't. If she did...why didn't she say anything? Piotr...I don't. I don' wanna complicate another friendship. I didn't want to do somethin' that would mean. More to me that t'her. But then...she..." He sighs deeply. "I swore to m'self, that I wouldn't let me. Fall in love. With my best friend. Because." He gives Piotr a significant look. "I just... And then, after her fall, I went up t'see her, and. I didn't want to have no more meaningless kisses. T'confuse things, y'know? But she…did. She kissed me, and I kissed back, and I knew. And then she didn't even remember it. Ignored it. And I can't keep going around pourin' myself into things with all my heart and then gettin' nothin' back."

Piotr, being reminded of what happened between he and Sam in the past, tries not to look as guilty and awful as he feels. He can't keep his gaze on Sam anymore, and looks at him in glances. His arm slides down involuntarily, until it's hardly touching Sam. "She does, Sam.. she does. It means a lot to her, really. She was crying.. she feels so bad. ...When did you kiss her?"

Sam stiffens, realizing Piotr's attempt to ignore his role in all this. "I didn't kiss her. She kissed me. Last Thursday." He wants to lean into Piotr so much, needing the contact so badly and yet he doesn't dare..."What means a lot to her?"

Piotr is quiet for a long moment. He puts both arms at his sides, and stares at the tabletop as he thinks. He glances over, "Sam... she was on the pain medicine last Thursday. Do you not remember that she said she took too much, and she could not remember what happened that day? .. And you mean a lot to her."

"She could remember a lot of other things. Like, things I said around the same time. Inconsequential things. Makes no sense." Mulling things over, he adds belatedly, "...She. Means a lot to me, too. Obviously. A real lot."

He replies simply, "Then you should tell her that."

Sam blinks, slowly. "Well, she knows it already. She's my best friend." And after a minute, "I don't know if I want to lose that."

Piotr cracks his knuckles, feeling a bit fidgety, his expression hardening some. "You need to decide, then, because you are hurting her feelings too, you know."
Suddenly surly again, Sam puts his head in his hands. "Well, gee. If you're tryin' to make me feel worse about the whole thing, you're doing a hell of a job. ...I know I'm hurting her. I can't seem to do anything but hurt her."

Piotr frowns, and scoots his chair back, standing up in one smooth movement. He looks down at Sam while grabbing the folder, "I am sorry.. I did not mean to. I just wanted to help, but I guess you two should be left alone to make up your minds. Sorry, Sam.. for this.. and hurting you before, too. I will leave you alone."

Sam lifts his head, eyes bright and voice quiet. "No, I. I'm sorry, Piotr, I just. I'm not used to feeling like this, and I don't like it, and I can't ignore it. I just...I never learned to keep it inside, so when I feel horrible I act horrible towards everyone else." He takes a deep breath. "So...thank you. For listening to me. And...that drawing. It's the most beautiful art I've ever seen. Do something special with it."

Piotr puts a hand tentatively on Sam's shoulder, "You keep it. And.. if you want to talk to me, come find me, okay?"

Sam nods, swallowing any words he may have had except for a soft "Thank you." He brushes his fingers over Alison's likeness, drawn so skillfully on the page. "I will."

Piotr, trying not to look too troubled, replies with a barely audible "okay", and quietly leaves the library.