xp_logs | Rahne & Illyana, January 2016

Roommates, after nightmares; faith, free will, knowledge.

Dark. Dark. Too dark -

The sun went out.

The world was crumbling: Her parents' farm, or maybe the lawn of Xavier's, green like she'd first seen it, or maybe the High Line park in the city, just shearing off into nothing.

Not nothing. Darkness, yes. Something that she couldn't see or hear, but felt, instead, a low and constant hum that came from somewhere -

Inside her.

The world wasn't crumbling. She was inhaling it. She was splitting apart; her skin opened like tissue paper, revealing the not-void, the resonance.

Something reached out of her chest and -

Illyana woke up on a strangled gasp, not quite a scream. Years of enforced silence, years of knowing it was the difference between life and death, and she still couldn't keep quiet. She could feel blood pounding in her ears. She was breathing hard, like she'd been running, and her pajamas were clammy, sweat-soaked, cold.

As quietly as she could, she sat up. Pulled her pillow onto her stomach and brought her knees up, feet firm on the floor. Wiped her eyes on her comforter, pressed her back into the wall, and prayed Rahne wouldn't wake up.

No movement.

The door was closed, it was the middle of the night, and maybe she could fall back asleep. She let out a soft, shaky breath and wrapped her arms around her knees. Think about anything else, she willed herself. That's how you forget nightmares.

On the other side of the room, in a bed that was actually being used, Rahne was wide awake. She'd woken up the moment Illyana had, her sensitive hearing having instantly picked up the sounds of the gasp. She lay quietly in her bed as she struggled with what to do. Her initial reaction was to reach out but Illyana was ... different. Rahne was actually really fond of her but 'Yana didn't react to things the way that most people did.

Rahne could simply wait for sleep to come again but she could hear Illyana's raised heart rate and knew that the other girl wasn't going to be okay for some time. So, she took a deep breath and sat up, shoving the heavy comforter off of her. "Yana?" she called softly, accent thickened by sleep. "Are ye okay?"

Damn it. Illyana tried to master her voice, but it still came out shaky. "Yeah," she said - snapped, really, before she could help herself. She tried to soften her tone: "Yes. I'm fine. I just - thought I saw a spider." An obvious lie, but the best she could come up with while she was still tasting metallic adrenaline. "Sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay." Rubbing at her eyes, Rahne grabbed her pillow and slid awkwardly to the floor so they were on the same level. "Do - do ye want me to hunt for it?" She was pretty sure that Illyana hadn't actually seen a spider but she didn't want to push. "I'm not sure I could figure out a spider's scent but I could try."

Rahne was so nice. Illyana wasn't sure whether she appreciated it or resented it more. She swallowed and took another breath, which shuddered in her throat - not too audibly, she hoped. "It's okay," she said, grateful at least to be taken at her word. "I was just - surprised. You should go back to sleep."

Rahne propped up her chin on her pillow and gave Illyana a smile, though she wasn't sure the other girl could see it in the faint light. "It's okay, I don't mind. It ... it doesn't seem like ye'll be able to go back to sleep easily." There was always a sense of embarrassment when she referred to her powers. But the sound of 'Yana's heart rate told her that her roommate wasn't going to get a lot of sleep at the moment. "I'm awake now, I can stay up until we're both ready?"

Illyana curled defensively around her pillow. Being mean to Rahne was - something that bothered her, she realized. She didn't worry a lot about other people's feelings, but Rahne was different. Vulnerable, kind of. So she took a moment to not snap back, swallowing it down instead. "You should really go back to sleep," she said finally, her voice under control, quiet. Nobody was in the other room anymore, but - habit. "Sometimes I just, just can't. After I wake up." After she woke up like this, still not sure if she'd had a dream or something worse. "I'm used to it. It's fine."

"I have nightmares too, though obviously different than yers." It took a few tugs but eventually Rahne got her comforter down off the bed. With care not to knock anything over, she shuffled closer to where Illyana had set up her floor-bed-thing. "I'll wake up from dreams where I'm ... stuck in my wolf form. Like, forever. And I'm losing myself, aye? My mind isn't me anymore, it's just the wolf." She peeked at her suitemate over the blanket and pillow. "Ye dream of different things but nightmares are never fun. I want to help. Please?"

"Sure," Illyana said, very quietly. Her eyes stung and her throat was tight and she was grateful for the darkness. "I didn't used to have them, before coming here. The bad dreams. Not that often, anyway." She tilted her head back, looking at the faint light on the ceiling, reflecting from the snow outside. "Sometimes I wish I could just sleep."

It took some maneuvering and it was awkward shuffling over to Illyana on her knees, arms full of blanket and pillow, but somehow Rahne managed it without falling onto her face. She settled down and threw her blanket, a large warm blanket that seemed to go on forever, over both of their knees. "Do ye have anything that ye find comforting?" she whispered. In the dark, she pulled out the cross on the long chain that hung around her neck. "I never take this off and when I wake up at night, it makes me feel better to know I have it. Do ye have something like that?"

In the dark, one of Illyana's hands found her own neck, and touched something cold before withdrawing to clutch the comforter again. "Not really," she said quietly, flexing her toes under the added heat of Rahne's blanket. "What is that, anyway?" she asked curiously - and directingly, right back to the subject of Rahne. "I wondered."

Rahne tilted her hand towards Illyana and the cross glittered slightly with what little light was in the room. "A symbol of my faith," she said. "It's not my original one. That one didn't survive when I first turned into a wolf but when I was coming over here, Reverend Craig gave this one to me. Longer chain, thicker metal so it won't break." She smiled. "It's nice to have a piece of home, ye know?

Something in Illyana's throat hurt at that, but she nodded anyway, like she did know. "You believe in God?" she asked, almost wistfully, pulling her feet in closer. "Like, someone that's watching over you all the time?"

"Aye, I do." Rahne's answer was immediate, though still quiet. "I ... try not to talk about it a lot because I know it really bothers some others. But I really do. God's been the one constant in my life, next to the Reverend. Even now when things have gotten so weird I know He's there with me." Her head dropped slightly but her smile didn't waver. "Even when I dinnae understand His plans, I'm comforted that they're still His, aye?"

Illyana felt the phantom-pressure just behind her sternum and looked away, almost jealous. "Don't you ever worry?" she asked quietly, rolling the seam of her comforter between her fingers. "That whatever's out there isn't - good?"

That was a good question and it deserved a good answer. Rahne worried at her cross while she thought over her answer. "All the time," she said slowly. "I question all the time." She laughed and wiped at her eyes suddenly. "When I first changed into a bloody great wolf, I thought He'd left me. I thought I had been wicked and was being punished. But I realized that even in the worst of times, God is still with me. Even if I am wicked, He is still by my side, waiting to take my hand."

Rahne looked at Illyana and smiled, even though she didn't think the other girl could really see. "There's a lot of really bad things out there but that's the whole part of free will, aye? We may stray from the path but as long as we reach out for His hand, we'll find our way back. And just because bad things happen to us, doesn't mean we're bad."

As long as you're alive, you can find your way back. Or get dragged back, into the end of the world . . . "It sounds nice," Illyana said, instead of giving way to the panic rising in her throat. She didn't look back at Rahne, and her voice was almost a whisper. "It's a really nice thing to believe." She didn't sound condescending, as though she thought Rahne was silly; she sounded sad.

Cautiously, Rahne leaned her shoulder against Illyana's and tugged the blanket firmer around them both. It wasn't for warmth, it was for the comfort of the weight surrounding them. "Sometimes yer not in the right place to reach out or even believe," she said, thinking hard over her words. Rahne knew what her heart wanted to say but sometimes her mouth got in her way. And the last thing she wanted was to misstep here when Illyana sounded like this. "But that's okay. And this might not be how ye'll find comfort eventually but ..."

She glanced away and then back again. "But until then I'll believe enough for the both of us, aye? He certainly knows I've enough belief to go around. If ... if that doesn't sound stupid. Ugh, it sounds stupid."

"I'm glad . . . " Illyana stumbled over the words, paused, started again. Her voice sounded tinny to her, small in a world that was too big and dark. "It doesn't sound stupid. I wish I believed it too."

"Faith and believe will come to you, I promise. It might not even be faith in what I believe in! But until then, we are here, ye know? People are less reliable than God but we're still good. Especially the ones here. If ye can't have faith now that His hand will reach out to ye when ye need it, know that ours will." Under the blankets, Rahne reached over and touched Illyana's hand. "Mine will be, I promise."

The darkness of their room - filtered through pale snowy light from the window and an eerie, muffled silence - seemed too big. Illyana was able to let Rahne's hand touch hers for the space of two breaths; then, panic rising again in her chest, she withdrew. "Thanks," she said, not quite able to get out the Sorry that was behind it. She leaned back and looked out the window, at the falling snow and grey night sky, until the stinging in her eyes receded.