Family Reunion || Aftermath

[xp_topaz]

Something finally snaps.



Topaz stayed in the shower with the water going as hot as it could for as long as she could stand it. She wasn’t sure if she actually washed her hair, or cleaned herself at all. She mostly remembered staring at the wall until the water had become too hot and she had been forced to get out or consider boiling herself.

Dried and dressed, she went to the kitchen and immediately opened the cabinet she kept the alcohol in. One more month and this wouldn’t even be illegal anymore, she thought as she pushed the wine aside and found the vodka she kept for emergencies. She poured herself a glass, mixed it with the first thing she found in her fridge, and drained the glass in one sip.

There was a tap on the door, before it opened and Amanda stuck her head in. "I thought if I waited, you wouldn't answer," she said by way of apology. She was pale and drawn and dark circles ringed her eyes, the aftermath of her clash with Adam. "Mind if I join you?"

She was probably right, and that irked Topaz for reasons she couldn’t quite identify. She silently poured herself another glass, then got one for Amanda and filled it, carrying both to the couch. A silent invitation, and the only one Amanda was going to get, it seemed, since Topaz turned on the TV and flipped until she found BBC News. They were already reporting on the destroyed graveyard and the body they had found. She probably should have burned Albert, too.

Amanda took the offered glass and took a seat on the couch next to her former student. The news report suggested Satanists had been at work in the cemetery, and at that she snorted, unable to help herself. "If only they knew..." she murmured to herself. Then she turned to Topaz. "What a bloody mess that was, yeah?" she asked in a oh-so-casual tone.

Topaz took a long sip of her drink before answering. “Yeah. He’s always been good at leaving messes behind though.” He’d left her, after all.

So, it wasn't going to be one of those easy talks which ended in hugs and cups of tea. Amanda grimaced just slightly. "More like making them in the first place by fucking over everyone he's supposed to care about," she said. "You're not blaming yourself for any of this, are you?"

"Of course not." Topaz's eyes were still fixed on the screen. "This one's all on him, and it's not like I'm going to lose any sleep about the world having one less Destine." She sipped her drink again. "Happiest ending anyone could ask for."

"And yet..." Amanda swivelled slightly on the couch so she could face Topaz better. "It can't have been easy, seeing your mother like that, having to take her down. I don't expect you to fall in a heap or anything, but you don't have to pretend you're all right. Not with me."

"Did I never tell you I was the one who found her body?" Topaz asked flatly. "At least the...thing didn't look like her." She couldn't say zombie. That was too much. "Everyone who's supposed to be alive is alive - mostly - everyone who's supposed to be dead is dead - mostly, I'm not sure where Albert falls in either category - and I've maintained my status as the resident fuck up. All is right with the universe, isn't it?"

"No, I don't think you did. It's a shitty thing for a kid to go through." Amanda set her glass down on the coffee table. "But Topaz, you're not the resident fuck up. You're someone who's had some hellish bad luck in their life, most of it to do with other people using you. You're so much more than all that."

"Yeah." Topaz smiled humorlessly, finishing her drink and standing to pour another one. "I'm also useless, a burden, a bother, and a waste of space. Got a lot going for me, don't I?"

"Bollocks to that." Amanda pushed herself up off the couch so she was on the same level. "That's nothing but shite and you know it. Fuckitall, you're one of the few people in my life I can rely on, and you think you're a waste of space and a burden?"

"Rely on for what?" Topaz asked, setting her glass down on the counter a little harder than she meant to and turning back to look at Amanda. "For an ego boost? 'Oh look, Topaz is in trouble again, better go bail her out.'"

It took a deep breath for Amanda not to snap back. She was tired and in pain and desperately worried about Topaz, but she couldn't let that colour her responses. "Looking out for the kids, for one. You think I trust anyone else to make sure they're okay when I'm away? To teach them?" She took a step towards Topaz. "You think I tell just anyone about my history, my addiction? For fuck's sake, you're more than a bloody sop to my ego, and you know that."

"You didn't tell me, I dug it out of your bloody head," Topaz said, her feet automatically carrying her back a step. She didn't even know where any of this was coming from. She was just so tired. Luca had used her multiple times. Had that always been the plan, whether Alice had died or not? To turn her into their tool? They had said they wanted a daughter, and someone to pass their teachings onto. That was why they had picked her, out of all the kids. And she had trusted that. How stupid had she been? "Good on me, I can also dig up horrible emotions. Great."

"Just the emotions. I could have told you to mind your own business when you asked later, but I didn't." Amanda felt a tightness in her chest, part frustration and part... heartbreak? It almost physically hurt her to see Topaz so messed up. "Please, kiddo. You're hurting. That's fair enough. But it's not because you're any of those things you said."

"I'm not hurting." And oddly enough, that was true. She had hated seeing Alice like that but.... it hadn't been Alice. Not really. And did it even matter? "This is just my life. Look around for a minute. If I'm lucky I get something right one out of ten times, and rest of the time it's just fucking up. How many times have I been kidnapped or tricked by my bloody father or ended up in another dimension or just done something bloody stupid? Kind of makes that one time I get it right look pretty pathetic."

"It hasn't been just one time. And sometimes you've been the rescuer, not the rescuee." Amanda tried again, but she was starting to realise her words weren't going to be enough this time. "I wish I could get you to see that."

"Once," Topaz corrected, her tone somewhere between self-deprecating and just done. "And that was only because you were somewhere else." She took another step back, grabbing her glass and putting it in the sink. Oddly, she wasn't even in the mood to drink. "Do you know if anyone rescued my car from campus?" She abruptly changed the subject. "Or found my bag? I don't think the Destines took it with them but honestly that's a bit fuzzy right now and I'd like to think they wouldn't just drop my bag with a thousand dollars worth of textbooks into an ocean or something."

Amanda sighed. She was being dismissed, she knew. "I can ask around," she said, shrugging and leaving the half-empty glass of vodka on the table. Somehow she didn't feel like drinking. "And I can see if anyone's handed your bag in at the uni's lost and found." Slowly she headed for the door. "I'll be around, if you want me." And with that, she let herself out, ignoring the fact her eyes were smarting and her nose prickling with the onset of possible tears.

"Thanks," Topaz mumbled, mostly to herself, as the door closed behind Amanda. Exhaustion hit like a brick wall, and Topaz was suddenly shaking as she leaned back against the first solid surface she found, and slid to the floor. Midnight came creeping out of a corner, mewing uncertainly; Topaz held her hand to the cat without thinking. Everything - every single bloody thing - she had was because of Amanda, or from her. She was here because of Amanda, instead of on the streets or dead, which was likely what would have happened after Taboo had abandoned her. Amanda had helped her and taught her so much more than either of her parents. Midnight, her car, hell her favorite jacket, all gifts from Amanda. And here she was... throwing it all away.

What does it matter? A small voice in the back of Topaz's head asked. None of it's real anyways.

Topaz drew her legs up to her chest, resting her forehead against her knees as tears filled her eyes. It sure as hell hurt like it was real.