Jean and Topaz || Thursday Night

[xp_topaz]

Post-squiddening, Topaz goes to find out what the now former Marvel Fishgirl saw in her head, and to secure a promise for discretion.

WARNING: Talk of suicide and suicidal ideation



Topaz was no stranger to standing in front of doors she didn't want to knock on. It was almost her pastime. She sighed warily, raising her hand to knock. She just needed to know....

"Hey, Doc? You in?"

There came silence, but faint footsteps echoed behind the door before it opened and Jean smiled warmly. She looked back to normal bu she still had a vague pallidness to her skin, and her eyes were a tiny bit darker as the blackness that had been there was leaving her system.

~Topaz? How can I help you?~

"Still can't talk?" Topaz asked, tilting her head. "I can come back later...."

Jean waved the thought away.

~It's okay. If you don't mind me talking me this. Or I can write it down.~

If it was important enough for her to come see her, she wanted her to feel heard.

"What's one more thing in my head this week?" Topaz asked wryly, shoving her hands in her pockets as she made her way into the suite, rocking back and forth. "I won't keep you long, don't worry," she said slowly. She wasn't really one for small talk. Might as well get to the point. "But I... what did you see when you were in my head?"

Jean's suite looked relatively kept in order, but around the edges there was evidence of disarray, with a few piles of clothes and knickknacks scattered about. It had a neutral grey, white, brown, and beige color palette, with pops of deep purple and green. The room was also cold temperature wise, colder than others normally were. She was still trying to get back to a normal body temperature.

Taking a seat on the L-shaped couch, Jean motioned for her to sit after a couple of moments of silence.

~A lot of things~ she admitted. Being evil meant everything was fair game.

~I'm sure you must be worried I might say something. I won't. Those are your private thoughts. Consider it....doctor patient privilege. Even if there's really no doctoring.~

"Specifics?" Topaz asked, sitting on the edge of the couch. "If you don't mind me asking?" It wasn't like she had any huge secrets - her entire life was basically on display in the files, Jean could access it any time she wanted. She could find out about how her mother had been killed by a clan of magic users, how her father had gone mad trying to get revenge and ditched her and then tried (and succeeded in) tricking her for his gain. She could find out how Topaz had been in and out of therapy for the last five years, either with Haller or the professor or both. She could find out about how Topaz had used a fellow student as a guinea pig to test her powers, or her spectacularly disastrous first trip to the world of Slendermen. There was no such thing as secrets when your entire life was in manila envelope.

But Topaz still wanted to know.

Jean crossed her legs. It was still strange to go from legs, to a tail, to back again. Occasionally she wiggled her toes to remember they were still there. Once she was feeling better she planned on going for a long run.

~I...know about how you feel about yourself. Your low self worth, but also your willingness to sacrifice yourself if it means saving the ones you care about.~ Something that rang true for her.

She studied the woman a moment. .

~I know about your feelings toward Amanda after what happened. How you feel like you need to stay away, even if you hate it. Other things.~ Shaking her head, she glanced away.

~I know it wasn't me but...it still hurt you and I'm sorry for that.~

Topaz kept her eyes on the floor, listening silently, giving no outward reaction other than a slight twitch when Amanda was mentioned. She'd gone deeper than Topaz had thought, apparently. "It's not like I don't think it myself every day," she said finally, shrugging. "You couldn't say anything that hasn't already crossed my mind."

Jean shook her head. ~Maybe. But those are the thoughts in your head. Hearing them aloud from someone else...~ She was quiet a moment.

~What I--what was said. It's not what I...what's real.~ It felt strange to talk about this, especially if she didn't know if it helped her not.

~It was just to throw you off. To mirror what you thought.~

The smile Jean got in return was grim. "I've survived a lot worse than being told to kill myself, Jean." And she had the physical and mental scars to prove it. "And I know you didn't mean it."

~But you're here to see me.~ Jean said. ~So something was on your mind.~

"It....bugs me when people know things about me and I don't know what they know," Topaz admitted, shrugging. "Especially in a situation like this. I know you didn't mean to, but you did find out a couple things I'd... rather people not know. And people have a tendency to go to Amanda when they think something's wrong with me, so I just... wanted to make sure you wouldn't tell her. Or that you haven't already."

~You're an adult, Topaz. You're allowed to have your own thoughts.~ Jean said, folding her arms. ~If you knew all the things I had in my head I didn't want anyone to know about....~

~You're not hurting yourself or anyone else at the moment so I have no reason to say anything. But I would recommend maybe talking to someone when you're ready. ~

"I don't need to talk to anyone." Another shrug. "Life is a lot easier when you just accept it for what it is."

Jean slowly nodded. She knew so many stubborn people. It was kind of astonishing. Only kind of.

~Which is?~

“In my case, a series of unfortunate events. Minus the family inheritance and a bad actor chasing me around the world in bad costumes.” Topaz rolled her eyes. “So is that all?”

Tilting her head, Jean paused in consideration.

~I think there's quite a few bad actors chasing you around the world in bad costumes if you count the rogues's gallery~ Jean mused with a smile, then nodded.

~If you think that's all.~

That got her a somewhat weak smile. “I mean, was there anything else you saw? I’m really not mad - occupational hazard, being the mansion screw up and all. Should’ve been shielding. My fault.”

~I'm sure you weren't anticipating being mentally bombarded by a mind-controlled telepath.~ Jean said before shaking her head. ~I didn't really see much else. I didn't dig very deep. It had to be quick to try to throw you off.~

Deep enough to get to Amanda-related thoughts. But Topaz knew those weren’t buried as deep as she would like. “Okay. Thank you. And... thanks for not telling anyone.”

Jean smiled. ~You're welcome. And thanks for knocking some emotional sense into me.~

“That’s my specialty,” Topaz said dryly. “Speaking of, what did you do to my telepathy? It’s been... different.”

~Different how?~ Jean said, then added thoughtfully. ~It's possible when I temporarily boosted your powers that it you might have retained some of that boost.~

Topaz tilted her head, trying to think of the best way to put it. "I mean, the telepathy is fairly new anyways - within the last year new, and it took us a while to figure out what actually triggers it. But usually I just... hear thoughts associated with really strong emotions. Like, fearing for your life emotions. But the last couple of days it's been... looser, I guess? Still only thoughts with emotions, but they don't necessarily need to be fearing for your life strong. I heard someone cursing when they came home from school earlier." It hadn't been on purpose - she hadn't known to shield against it. She was working on that.

Jean was silent a moment. ~You're probably still working on the strong emotions level, but now it's a little easier. When I boosted your powers it's like...opening a door a little wider. Your mind may have gotten used to it and adapted to the door being open, rather than closing it again.~ She remembered her own struggle as a kid and how patient Charles was.

~If you'd like, I'd be happy to show you a few exercises to keep those thoughts out.~

"Yeah... may be a good idea. No one's head is a great place to be when they're particularly emotional. Especially in this place." Topaz rolled her eyes. "So much drama. Maybe... not right now though. Wait a week or so, I mean. I don't know about you, but I need a chance to recover from..." She waved her hand vaguely.

Jean laughed. Or she would've, but it came out as puffs of scratchy air and she grimaced.

~Yeah. I know you mean.~

She was talking to an empath. She didn't need to laugh for Topaz to hear her amusement. "Thanks," she said honestly. She wanted to say something else, something reassuring, like I don't think I'm useless or I don't think about dying that much, but those would both be lies, and Jean would probably be able to tell right off. "I'll email you when I'm ready to start working on this?" Was what she finally settled for.

The laugh was reflexive. Jean hadn't intended on doing it to show much of anything on purpose.

~Absolutely.~ Jean said. She knew there was a balance when trying to get someone to feel comfortable about opening up. They weren't there yet, especially given their previous interaction. It took time to build trust.

"Brilliant." Topaz stood, rocking back on her heels. "Sorry, didn't mean to keep you so long. I'll get going."