Sins of the Father || Apologies
Jul. 29th, 2018 01:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsTopaz and Amanda talk. And finally, finally, progress is made.
It could have been worse.
Nobody would actually say that, of course, for fear of sounding like they were discounting what the young witch had been through. But Topaz knew what the curse victims had gone through, how bad Amanda had been hurt, and she knew she was nothing in comparison. A few bruises, the scratches she had dug into her own skin (now hidden under bandages wrapped around arms), and probably enough trauma to warrant therapy again. Just another day.
Topaz slid down, turning to look at the wall, her back to the door. Not even bad off enough to warrant the Box, which she was grateful for - the faint buzz of the mansion was back in her head. She'd never thought she'd find that comforting. Her eyes drifted shut as she considered sleep again.
There was a soft sound from the door, the slightest click, and then the slow shuffle of feet punctuated by a rubbery squeak - the sound of a rubber-tipped cane on tiled floors.
The sound caught Topaz' attention, and she sat up immediately, eyes landing on Amanda.
~Face it, kiddo, the only reason anyone wants you around is so we have a spare. An inferior spare, but what can you do?~
"Um..." Topaz shook her head, taking a deep breath. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. "Hey. How are you?"
"Much better for seeing you back home," Amanda said with a wan smile. She was too pale, with dark circles under her eyes and a greyish tinge to her lips, while most of the skin exposed by the hospital gown was covered in bandages. The squeak came from the rubber-tipped cane she was using to support herself as she carefully made her way into the room. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Looks worse than it is," she lied as she reached the bedside, not taking a seat until she was sure Topaz wanted her there. "How're you?"
The look Topaz gave Amanda was far from impressed. She drew her her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms loosely around her legs. It was a position she had gotten far too used to in the last few days. "You're a horrible liar for a superspy. Sit before you fall over." She didn't answer the question - because she had no idea what the answer was. She was tired. She was confused. She was shaken. She was guilty. She wasn't sure she wanted to be alive.
Amanda sat gingerly, trying to avoid tugging at any of her many stitches. "Yeah, okay, maybe fine was pushing it a bit. I didn't want you worrying about me when you've gone through seven kinds of hell."
"Yeah..." Topaz' gaze drifted off to the wall as she absentmindedly started chewing on the skin of her thumb. After a moment she shook her head, snapping back to reality. "I didn't almost die, though. I mean, ya know..." She waved a hand absently. "Of course I'm going to worry."
"There's more than one kind of death," Amanda said ruefully. "And just because someone is still breathing and walking around doesn't mean that they aren't dead inside for all intents and purposes. Not that I'm saying you are, kiddo," she added, reaching to lay a hand over Topaz' free one.
~What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?~ Again that hand on her cheek. ~Truth hurts, kiddo. I thought you were grown up enough to hear it. Looks like I was wrong about you. Again.~
Topaz reacted without thinking, yanking her hand away and curling tighter into herself, her breath suddenly short and choppy. "No, nononono," she mumbled, digging her nails into her hand as hard as she could. The world, and Amanda, suddenly felt very far away as she tried to keep herself anchored to the present. Not real, not real, it's not real, it's not....
Amanda's immediate instinct was to reach forward to wrap Topaz in a hug, but her second instinct held her in place. She'd seen - and experienced - enough trauma to recognise the reaction and she knew Adam. What he would have used to torment Topaz. "Hey, Topaz, it's okay. You're safe, you're not there anymore. Whatever he did, whatever he said, it was a lie. It's over now. You're home." The words came out as a kind of mantra, slow and soothing, an attempt to give Topaz something to hold onto - figuratively, if not literally.
She pressed her forehead into her knees, nails still digging into her skin as she tried to breathe. "Ten," she mumbled shakily. It's okay. "Nine." You're safe. "Eight." You're not there anymore. "Seven." Whatever he did, whatever he said, it was a lie. "Six." It's over now. "Five." You're home. "Four." Home. Right. She was home. "Three." She was safe. "Two." No one was going to hurt her. "One." She was still shaking, and there were tears in her eyes as she lifted her head again, but she was breathing.
"That's it. Just keep breathing." Amanda kept still, although she just wanted to comfort her former student. "You don't have to talk about it yet," she said softly, the same tone she'd been using to help calm her down. "So I won't ask. But whatever he showed you, it wasn't me. It was just his version of me, trying to hurt you on purpose. 'Kay?"
Topaz didn't quite meet Amanda's eyes. She finally released her hand, showing the crescent-shaped marks her fingernails had left, and began fiddling with the blanket instead. "It... you... he..." She shivered, shaking her head. "He knew everything."
"Adam was always good at getting into people's heads." Amanda sighed and leaned back in the chair. "You know this already, but he and I... we have a history. Moreso since the whole frankenberry thing. I'm so sorry he used that to mess with you."
"Yeah, well..." Topaz made a sound that was almost a weak laugh, wrapping her arms around her legs again. "Just another day, right?" Even if this time she'd done to herself. And hadn't had any intention of coming back.
"Something like that." The older witch sighed. "I know you aren't going to like hearing this, but don't bury this, yeah? Talk to someone, and I mean someone qualified. The Professor, Doug's bloke, someone. I left you alone to sort yourself out before, but this is too big for anyone to handle on their own. Believe me, the Trenchcoats know better than most - this sort of thing is an occupational hazard."
Topaz' gaze drifted off to the wall, and she was completely still for a moment. "Why do you care?" She asked finally, quietly. The words weren't antagonistic, or angry. If anything, they were exhausted - years of hurt and fear and anger and emotions even the best empath wouldn't be able to identify weighing it down.
Amanda paused, biting off the easy answer on the tip of her tongue. Topaz' tone held the weight of far too much hurt and loss to be replied to with a trite response. Slowly, thinking it through, she said: "At first, it was because you reminded me of me, when I was a kid. Lost and afraid and trying like hell to hide it in case someone took advantage. I didn't want you to go through the mess I had. But that's not the case any more. You're more than a rescue project, or a mini-me or whatever the fuck you want to call it. You're..." She paused, groping for the words that would encompass what she wanted to say. "You've grown up into this amazing, incredible young woman, who is too bloody stubborn for her own good, but who would strip the skin off her back to help someone else. You're more than a student, or a mentor-ee, or even an apprentice. You're important to me because of you. In all your cranky-butt glory. I care because you're someone I want to care about, for her own sake."
It would have been easy to scoff, to think Amanda was just saying what she thought Topaz wanted to hear, what Topaz wanted to believe - that she was more than a bother, more than a spare.
But hindsight was a bitch. Being locked in a room, left blind and deaf, didn't give much opportunity for anything other than thinking. Thinking about the last few months, about everything she'd done wrong. About how horrible she'd been. She took a deep breath, scrubbing her eyes with the back of her hand as she whispered, "I'm sorry."
Slowly, carefully, Amanda reached out and let her fingertips touch one of Topaz' pulled-up knees. Not much of a touch, but hopefully enough to let Topaz know she was cared for, that she was loved. "I know, love. It's okay. I promise."
Topaz didn't immediately jerk away, which was something. This was real. Amanda was real. She wasn't here to mock Topaz, to put her down, to abandon her. After a long, stiff moment she lowered her hand to rest it right next to Amanda's fingertips.
It could have been worse.
Nobody would actually say that, of course, for fear of sounding like they were discounting what the young witch had been through. But Topaz knew what the curse victims had gone through, how bad Amanda had been hurt, and she knew she was nothing in comparison. A few bruises, the scratches she had dug into her own skin (now hidden under bandages wrapped around arms), and probably enough trauma to warrant therapy again. Just another day.
Topaz slid down, turning to look at the wall, her back to the door. Not even bad off enough to warrant the Box, which she was grateful for - the faint buzz of the mansion was back in her head. She'd never thought she'd find that comforting. Her eyes drifted shut as she considered sleep again.
There was a soft sound from the door, the slightest click, and then the slow shuffle of feet punctuated by a rubbery squeak - the sound of a rubber-tipped cane on tiled floors.
The sound caught Topaz' attention, and she sat up immediately, eyes landing on Amanda.
~Face it, kiddo, the only reason anyone wants you around is so we have a spare. An inferior spare, but what can you do?~
"Um..." Topaz shook her head, taking a deep breath. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. "Hey. How are you?"
"Much better for seeing you back home," Amanda said with a wan smile. She was too pale, with dark circles under her eyes and a greyish tinge to her lips, while most of the skin exposed by the hospital gown was covered in bandages. The squeak came from the rubber-tipped cane she was using to support herself as she carefully made her way into the room. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Looks worse than it is," she lied as she reached the bedside, not taking a seat until she was sure Topaz wanted her there. "How're you?"
The look Topaz gave Amanda was far from impressed. She drew her her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms loosely around her legs. It was a position she had gotten far too used to in the last few days. "You're a horrible liar for a superspy. Sit before you fall over." She didn't answer the question - because she had no idea what the answer was. She was tired. She was confused. She was shaken. She was guilty. She wasn't sure she wanted to be alive.
Amanda sat gingerly, trying to avoid tugging at any of her many stitches. "Yeah, okay, maybe fine was pushing it a bit. I didn't want you worrying about me when you've gone through seven kinds of hell."
"Yeah..." Topaz' gaze drifted off to the wall as she absentmindedly started chewing on the skin of her thumb. After a moment she shook her head, snapping back to reality. "I didn't almost die, though. I mean, ya know..." She waved a hand absently. "Of course I'm going to worry."
"There's more than one kind of death," Amanda said ruefully. "And just because someone is still breathing and walking around doesn't mean that they aren't dead inside for all intents and purposes. Not that I'm saying you are, kiddo," she added, reaching to lay a hand over Topaz' free one.
~What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?~ Again that hand on her cheek. ~Truth hurts, kiddo. I thought you were grown up enough to hear it. Looks like I was wrong about you. Again.~
Topaz reacted without thinking, yanking her hand away and curling tighter into herself, her breath suddenly short and choppy. "No, nononono," she mumbled, digging her nails into her hand as hard as she could. The world, and Amanda, suddenly felt very far away as she tried to keep herself anchored to the present. Not real, not real, it's not real, it's not....
Amanda's immediate instinct was to reach forward to wrap Topaz in a hug, but her second instinct held her in place. She'd seen - and experienced - enough trauma to recognise the reaction and she knew Adam. What he would have used to torment Topaz. "Hey, Topaz, it's okay. You're safe, you're not there anymore. Whatever he did, whatever he said, it was a lie. It's over now. You're home." The words came out as a kind of mantra, slow and soothing, an attempt to give Topaz something to hold onto - figuratively, if not literally.
She pressed her forehead into her knees, nails still digging into her skin as she tried to breathe. "Ten," she mumbled shakily. It's okay. "Nine." You're safe. "Eight." You're not there anymore. "Seven." Whatever he did, whatever he said, it was a lie. "Six." It's over now. "Five." You're home. "Four." Home. Right. She was home. "Three." She was safe. "Two." No one was going to hurt her. "One." She was still shaking, and there were tears in her eyes as she lifted her head again, but she was breathing.
"That's it. Just keep breathing." Amanda kept still, although she just wanted to comfort her former student. "You don't have to talk about it yet," she said softly, the same tone she'd been using to help calm her down. "So I won't ask. But whatever he showed you, it wasn't me. It was just his version of me, trying to hurt you on purpose. 'Kay?"
Topaz didn't quite meet Amanda's eyes. She finally released her hand, showing the crescent-shaped marks her fingernails had left, and began fiddling with the blanket instead. "It... you... he..." She shivered, shaking her head. "He knew everything."
"Adam was always good at getting into people's heads." Amanda sighed and leaned back in the chair. "You know this already, but he and I... we have a history. Moreso since the whole frankenberry thing. I'm so sorry he used that to mess with you."
"Yeah, well..." Topaz made a sound that was almost a weak laugh, wrapping her arms around her legs again. "Just another day, right?" Even if this time she'd done to herself. And hadn't had any intention of coming back.
"Something like that." The older witch sighed. "I know you aren't going to like hearing this, but don't bury this, yeah? Talk to someone, and I mean someone qualified. The Professor, Doug's bloke, someone. I left you alone to sort yourself out before, but this is too big for anyone to handle on their own. Believe me, the Trenchcoats know better than most - this sort of thing is an occupational hazard."
Topaz' gaze drifted off to the wall, and she was completely still for a moment. "Why do you care?" She asked finally, quietly. The words weren't antagonistic, or angry. If anything, they were exhausted - years of hurt and fear and anger and emotions even the best empath wouldn't be able to identify weighing it down.
Amanda paused, biting off the easy answer on the tip of her tongue. Topaz' tone held the weight of far too much hurt and loss to be replied to with a trite response. Slowly, thinking it through, she said: "At first, it was because you reminded me of me, when I was a kid. Lost and afraid and trying like hell to hide it in case someone took advantage. I didn't want you to go through the mess I had. But that's not the case any more. You're more than a rescue project, or a mini-me or whatever the fuck you want to call it. You're..." She paused, groping for the words that would encompass what she wanted to say. "You've grown up into this amazing, incredible young woman, who is too bloody stubborn for her own good, but who would strip the skin off her back to help someone else. You're more than a student, or a mentor-ee, or even an apprentice. You're important to me because of you. In all your cranky-butt glory. I care because you're someone I want to care about, for her own sake."
It would have been easy to scoff, to think Amanda was just saying what she thought Topaz wanted to hear, what Topaz wanted to believe - that she was more than a bother, more than a spare.
But hindsight was a bitch. Being locked in a room, left blind and deaf, didn't give much opportunity for anything other than thinking. Thinking about the last few months, about everything she'd done wrong. About how horrible she'd been. She took a deep breath, scrubbing her eyes with the back of her hand as she whispered, "I'm sorry."
Slowly, carefully, Amanda reached out and let her fingertips touch one of Topaz' pulled-up knees. Not much of a touch, but hopefully enough to let Topaz know she was cared for, that she was loved. "I know, love. It's okay. I promise."
Topaz didn't immediately jerk away, which was something. This was real. Amanda was real. She wasn't here to mock Topaz, to put her down, to abandon her. After a long, stiff moment she lowered her hand to rest it right next to Amanda's fingertips.
