AEFAE Log Five || Tea Time

[xp_topaz]

Mandatory post-disaster tea, and some serious talk. Backdated to 8-31.



One shower and three cans of Monster later, Topaz was almost back to feeling like a normal person. The slight floating sensation that came with dissociating was wearing off, and by the time she finished the third can she was mostly sure she could face people. Or one person, at least.

She knocked on the door to Amanda's and Marie-Ange's suite, wearily calling, "Anyone home?" as she opened the door.

There was a pause and then Amanda appeared out of her room, towelling her wet hair. She looked tired and her eyes were pink and puffy. "Yeah, 'm here. Let me put the kettle on."

Topaz slipped into the suite, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. Staying near the exit like she hadn't made this suite a second home. Her bag was still at the end of the couch. "I'm sorry."

Amanda stopped dead in the midst of walking to the kitchenette and turned abruptly to face the younger woman. Her voice, when she spoke, was almost fierce. "Don't. Don't you do that. Not to yourself and not to me. None of this is your fault. Adam made his choices." She turned away again, her voice shaking a little. "And he's paid for them. It's over."

"Yeah. It's over. That's not what I meant though." She watched Amanda's back for a moment, choosing her words carefully. "I'm sorry for you. For what all of this did to you. I'm not blaming myself." Well, that was a lie. But just a little.

"Another one of Xorn's little surprises. The gift that keeps on giving." It wasn't said with anger, however, more a deep weariness. "Tante always said everything has a price. You don't get miracles for free. I guess this is mine. But you know what?" She looked over at Topaz again. "I'm kind of glad it happened this way. I got to see what I could've been and what I am instead. That's something to make you grateful for your blessings, y'know?" She moved over to the kitchenette and finally plugged in the kettle. "Don't worry, I'm not going all born again on you. Just been thinking."

Topaz pushed herself off the door, walking further into the suite with the same caution she'd come in with. "I tried to talk to him," she said slowly. "I mean, I was kind of a jerk about it, but to be fair, he'd kidnapped me. I tried, though."

"I know. And I appreciate it, even tho' it wasn't going to work. Adam was too far gone by then. He was what Rack made him, and there was nothing to be done." Amanda took down mugs, teabags, got out the milk, all in an absent sort of way, operating from force of habit. "He'd fixated on you as an acceptable target for all of his rage and nothing you could have said or done would have changed that."

Topaz shrugged. "Yeah. I got in his head. There wasn't much left to change." She sat down on the arm of the couch, staring at her folded hands. "I dunno what he made a deal with, but it took whatever humanity he had left."

And he gave me what he managed to save. Amanda didn't voice the thought - she knew Topaz would blame herself for it, just as she knew Topaz was blaming herself any way, despite her words. "Demons tend to do that," she replied instead. "The weird thing is, I recognised the energy signature it left behind. Same bloody demon that Rack tried to sell me to back when I was a kid. Another of Xorn's jokes, I s'pose."

"Great joke," Topaz said dryly. "Really enjoying it." She was silent for a moment, turning things over in her head. She wanted to ask, she didn't want to ask, she wanted to know but she didn't want to bother Amanda with it while she was still dealing with this. "You knew," was what she finally settled for saying. "You knew something was coming." It wasn't accusatory or angry. Just tired.

"My best friend's a pre-cog. She got a blip on her radar a few months ago and we decided to put a protection spell on you." The reply was without any note of apology.

Which opened up a whole new batch of questions such as don't those visions come with a price now?, but that was something to discuss with Marie-Ange later. "You could've told me." Her voice was almost small in a way it hadn't been for years. Like she was fifteen again, down in the Box apologizing for whatever screw up she'd made.

"And if we had? What would you have done?"

The question tripped her for a moment. "I... don't know?" It was an honest answer.

Amanda nodded. "You were already driving yourself crazy with fear. If we'd told you that Adam was going to have another go at you, but we couldn't say when or where, you would have been ten times worse. And that's not to say you're a coward or weak or anything like that - anyone would have been the same. So we decided to take it on ourselves and put the protection ward on you instead."

Topaz maintained eye contact until Amanda was done, then dropped her gaze to the floor, fingers tapping mindlessly against the couch. "Yeah," she said finally. "You're probably right. I'm a mess. But I don't want to just... be your burden for the rest of my life. Or yours." She shrugged, still looking at the floor. "I was thinking about it, you know, while I was waiting for Adam to kill me. The last two times we went up against him, you were the one who got hurt. And maybe you think better it be you than one of your kids, but that's not better for me. Or for anyone, really, but I can only speak for myself. And I don't want to be in a position again where you're taking hits for me." She took a deep breath and looked up again. "So, yeah. I get it. I probably wouldn't have told me, either. But at least it would've put us on equal footing. And this isn't another idiotic 'I don't need anyone' fit - I lived, I learned, I get it, that was dumb - but, eventually, maybe... I'd like to be in a place where you don't think you have to take on my problems yourself."

Amanda turned away, busying herself with making tea now that the kettle had boiled. A long, uncomfortable silence stretched between them, before she sighed and spoke, still not facing Topaz. "You're right." She gulped a breath to steady herself and continued. "You're right, I shouldn't have taken all this on myself. But the thing is, you're the only one of my kids who made it through the whole end of the world thing. I lost every one else. I couldn't stand to lose you too." She turned and held up a hand to stop Topaz' reply. "And maybe with any other situation I still would have included you. But Adam... he was my monster as much as yours. And I know it wasn't really me who grew up with him and who got out and left him with Rack, but in a way it still was. I left him behind, just like I left Manuel behind, and Meggan, and every other person I gave a shit about." She bit her lip against the tears that were threatening. "I didn't want to leave either of you out there alone."

"I know." Topaz sighed quietly, pushing herself off the couch. "I know Adam was a personal thing for you. I know you worry about me because somehow I'm the only one the universe didn't manage to kill. And I know anything I say right now is going to be ridiculously hypocritical, or just ridiculous, but for what it's worth... you have a perfect track record of saving me from my own stupidity." A small, dry smile twitched at her lips. "I know that's not much compared to the past, but it's a lot to me. And to every other person you've saved. Or just stopped from doing something insanely stupid with their magic," she added with a sigh, thinking of Stephen.

"It does. Mean something." Amanda took a deep breath and closed her eyes tight, willing away the prickle of tears. "I know I get crazy protective and I'm trying to stop, but..." She shrugged helplessly. "Caring's a tough gig sometimes."

"It could be worse." She rocked back on her heels, chewing over her next words very carefully. "Just, you know... next time there's a disaster... so next week, probably - I care too."

"Never doubted that you did." Amanda smiled wanly. "Now, how about that tea?"

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[xp_blackcat]

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