Topaz and Amanda || The Talk
Apr. 1st, 2020 05:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_topaz posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsIn which Topaz chooses a direction for herself.
"Hey," Topaz called, slowly letting herself into Amanda's and Marie-Ange's suite. "Anybody home?"
She was surprisingly relaxed, for the first time in a long time, and it showed in her expression and general posture. One might even mistake it for almost happy. But it was resolve - she had made a choice, and she was ready to defend it.
"Yeah, just give me a sec," came Amanda's voice, sounding a little muffled. She came out of her room a few moment's later, buttoning up the threadbare jeans she'd changed into after getting in from work. "Hey, Topaz. Haven't seen you for a bit - I was starting to think that magic library of yours had eaten you." Her tone was far from serious, however. "Tea?"
"I've got a life, ya know." Her tone mirrored Amanda's, and she even smiled for a minute, rocking back on her heels. "Tea sounds good." It might have been a necessity for this. "I wanted to talk to you about something, if you're not too busy."
"Of course. I'm never too busy for you. Grab a seat while I make the tea." Which didn't take long - Amanda came over to the couch five minutes later with two large mugs in her hands. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Topaz had leaned back comfortably on the couch - after months of sleeping on it, she felt pretty okay about lazing about on it. "Cheers," she said, taking one of the mugs. She looked at the tea for a moment, trying to figure out where to start. "I'm sick of the libraries," is what she finally said, looking up to meet Amanda's gaze. "I'm sick of the libraries, and Avalon, and I know, that sounds absolutely mad, I've always been fine with just hiding in the background while everyone else does the hard work, and yeah, that sounds terrible, because it kind of is. I'm useless. And I know I have plenty of other options if I just want to be useful, but we both know I wouldn't last on those. And it'd probably be a waste of the powers I have." Her general personality wasn't much of a secret. "I know what I'm asking for and I know what I'm getting myself into." Amanda had probably figured out where this was going, but Topaz said the words anyways. "I want to join you lot. I'm talking to you first out of respect and..." Now she averted her gaze, suddenly interested in the ceiling, "you're important and your opinion matters to me. But there isn't much you could say that would scare me off at this point."
Of all the things Topaz could have wanted to talk about, joining the Trenchcoats was the last she'd expect. Amanda blinked and took a sip of her tea before settling into her favourite armchair, the big squishy one that was good for falling asleep in.
"Okay," she said at last, almost hearing Remy's snort in the back of her mind. "I'm not going to insult you by asking if you're sure. But with all you just said about being in the background and being useless, tell me this..." She leaned forward, setting her mug down on the coffee table and looking directly into Topaz' eyes. "Why should we take you?"
"Believe it or not, I have my own bag of tricks." Topaz didn't even flinch at the question. "I'm only useless if I make myself useless. But if you don't mind a moment of bragging, I'm good at what I do. My magic isn't just for bringing stuffed animals to life and using them to harass people in the library. Not that you all are in need of more magic," she added that last part dryly, "it's just part of what I am. I can fight. I can guard. I can fill almost any role you need. And that giving inanimate objects life thing isn't just a party trick - they're all spies. And yes, I've learned how to control them. I can't talk to them exactly, but I'm at a point where I can get general information about their surroundings, at the very least. For example-" She paused, then closed her eyes and sighed. "Someone just spilled a drink on a couple books. Letting that go for now."
She focused back on Amanda. "Second, empathy. I know you've got a telepath and Doug's skills, but I can do more than just sense and drain emotions. I can get in someone's head and make them feel whatever I want. It's pretty useful in a pinch. And no, I haven't been experimenting on anyone here or outside the mansion. The few times I've done it, it's been warranted.
"Third, and yeah, this one's a little weird but just hear me out - there's a surprisingly large magical community on the Internet. A lot of them are just pretending or trying to 'get into' witchcraft," she rolled her eyes slightly, "but if you ask the right questions, you can figure out who's real. It's something I've been working since... whatever year we turned into fish. And I've been careful. I have a VPN and whatever other security a mansion laptop comes with, and I don't use any variation of my real name. Names. But it helps to keep track of the small things that slip under the radar sometimes."
Here, she finally hesitated, her eyes flitting to the left for a moment before refocusing on Amanda. "Fourth... you know me. Which I'm aware hurts me as much as it helps, but the point stands. You've known me for seven years. You've seen every dumb mistake I made and breakdown that I had. You have more than enough reasons to tell me to get out and not bother you again. But you don't. I like to think you trust me." She shrugged. "But more importantly, you know when I get something in my head, I don't let it go. And yeah, that has its drawbacks. It also means you know I won't back off something when it gets hard. And I know things get hard with you. Like I said - I know what I'm asking for."
She finally broke eye contact for real to take a sip of her tea. Lukewarm. How long had she been talking? "If you really, really think it would be a disaster, then okay. I'd probably go get a second opinion from Marie-Ange, though. But if you say it's a bad idea, say it because I'm not qualified or I can't handle anything. Don't say it because you want to protect one of your kids."
A small wry grin flitted across Amanda's face at that last. "Oh, that ship sailed the minute Clea went on her first job," she replied. "You're not kids anymore and you have the right to fuck up all on your own. But the Trenchcoats... when we fuck up, people get hurt. Or die. And I know you know that," she added, seeing Topaz about to reply. "You've certainly seen enough of us in the medlab at various times. But what we do... it's not just physically damaging. There are times we have to be bastards to get the bastards. Do all sorts of things, use whatever we can - and yeah, that means sleep with a target if it's the best way - to get what we need. It's not a comfortable life and sometimes you'll hate yourself and us."
"Halfway there already," Topaz said dryly. It wasn't like she had the highest opinion of herself. Trying to come up with qualifying qualities to make her case to Amanda hadn't been easy. "The idea of a comfortable life has been out the window for years already. I don't have any expectations on that front. Obviously I don't know exactly what you all do - super spies and all that - but you've been saying for years you lot started the Trenchcoats so no one else would have to go through what you did. If it was just fighting, that would disqualify every team. And no one knows how they're going to feel or react to anything until they're in the actual situation, but... I think fast, and if there's something that needs to be done, I'll do it." She was actually really good at disconnecting from reality. As long as she reconnected and dealt with things at some point after.
Amanda gave Topaz a long, assessing look, and then nodded. "I hate the idea, but at least you're going in with eyes wide open. What you have to do, what it costs... I won't insult you by telling you the same things I've been telling you for years about this gig. Just..." And here she sighed a bit. "I'm really not good at keeping you lot out of this mess - you're the third student I've had want to sign up."
"Maybe you're just really good at teaching us to see what we can and can't handle." Topaz shrugged, smiling sadly. "We're not ducklings anymore. Besides, I'm sure at least half a dozen more people have to sign off before I can do anything. Maybe one of 'em will remember I'm mental and veto it."
"Well, you've got Angie at least and she knows you as well as I do, for whatever that's worth. And this might sound hypocritical for a bunch of spies, but that whole bottlingg up and keeping secrets thing won't fly, at least not long term. Nervous breakdowns in the field aren't exactly welcome, you know?"
"Still in therapy. Down to once a month, but still." She sounded oddly proud of that. "I'm working on it. Not exactly fond of constantly keeping secrets and nervous breakdowns myself."
"Going to therapy regularly is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, myself," agreed Amanda. "But we've been burned too often already by people's dirty laundry and personal issues to not at least attempt to make people do something about it. Of course," she reflected. "Kevin's got eighty years worth of secrets, so we're still getting blindsided every now and then." She gave Topaz a wry grin. "Listen to me, talking like you're already one of us. I suppose I've made my decision, yeah?"
That got her a small smile in return. "Well, you know all of my secrets already. No one's coming after me unless Taboo decides to do something stupid again." The tea was almost cold now, but it was a good reason to take a break and gather her thoughts. "Sounds like you have. This isn't exactly a 'thank you' moment considering what I'm trying to sign up for, but..." she shrugged. "I appreciate that your immediate reaction wasn't 'god no'."
Amanda snorted a laugh. "Maybe a few years ago, it would have been, but with Clea out doing missions and all, I'd be a right hypocrite. You're not a kid any more, Topaz, and I don't have the right to tell you what to do with your life. It's not what I would have picked for you, but I'm not going to insult you by treating you like a child. And you've already got one advantage over most of our new recruits... I already trust you."
A momentary flash of something - surprise, happiness, something completely unidentifiable - we through Topaz’ eyes before her expression settled into a small, satisfied smile. “That’s something, then.”
"Hey," Topaz called, slowly letting herself into Amanda's and Marie-Ange's suite. "Anybody home?"
She was surprisingly relaxed, for the first time in a long time, and it showed in her expression and general posture. One might even mistake it for almost happy. But it was resolve - she had made a choice, and she was ready to defend it.
"Yeah, just give me a sec," came Amanda's voice, sounding a little muffled. She came out of her room a few moment's later, buttoning up the threadbare jeans she'd changed into after getting in from work. "Hey, Topaz. Haven't seen you for a bit - I was starting to think that magic library of yours had eaten you." Her tone was far from serious, however. "Tea?"
"I've got a life, ya know." Her tone mirrored Amanda's, and she even smiled for a minute, rocking back on her heels. "Tea sounds good." It might have been a necessity for this. "I wanted to talk to you about something, if you're not too busy."
"Of course. I'm never too busy for you. Grab a seat while I make the tea." Which didn't take long - Amanda came over to the couch five minutes later with two large mugs in her hands. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Topaz had leaned back comfortably on the couch - after months of sleeping on it, she felt pretty okay about lazing about on it. "Cheers," she said, taking one of the mugs. She looked at the tea for a moment, trying to figure out where to start. "I'm sick of the libraries," is what she finally said, looking up to meet Amanda's gaze. "I'm sick of the libraries, and Avalon, and I know, that sounds absolutely mad, I've always been fine with just hiding in the background while everyone else does the hard work, and yeah, that sounds terrible, because it kind of is. I'm useless. And I know I have plenty of other options if I just want to be useful, but we both know I wouldn't last on those. And it'd probably be a waste of the powers I have." Her general personality wasn't much of a secret. "I know what I'm asking for and I know what I'm getting myself into." Amanda had probably figured out where this was going, but Topaz said the words anyways. "I want to join you lot. I'm talking to you first out of respect and..." Now she averted her gaze, suddenly interested in the ceiling, "you're important and your opinion matters to me. But there isn't much you could say that would scare me off at this point."
Of all the things Topaz could have wanted to talk about, joining the Trenchcoats was the last she'd expect. Amanda blinked and took a sip of her tea before settling into her favourite armchair, the big squishy one that was good for falling asleep in.
"Okay," she said at last, almost hearing Remy's snort in the back of her mind. "I'm not going to insult you by asking if you're sure. But with all you just said about being in the background and being useless, tell me this..." She leaned forward, setting her mug down on the coffee table and looking directly into Topaz' eyes. "Why should we take you?"
"Believe it or not, I have my own bag of tricks." Topaz didn't even flinch at the question. "I'm only useless if I make myself useless. But if you don't mind a moment of bragging, I'm good at what I do. My magic isn't just for bringing stuffed animals to life and using them to harass people in the library. Not that you all are in need of more magic," she added that last part dryly, "it's just part of what I am. I can fight. I can guard. I can fill almost any role you need. And that giving inanimate objects life thing isn't just a party trick - they're all spies. And yes, I've learned how to control them. I can't talk to them exactly, but I'm at a point where I can get general information about their surroundings, at the very least. For example-" She paused, then closed her eyes and sighed. "Someone just spilled a drink on a couple books. Letting that go for now."
She focused back on Amanda. "Second, empathy. I know you've got a telepath and Doug's skills, but I can do more than just sense and drain emotions. I can get in someone's head and make them feel whatever I want. It's pretty useful in a pinch. And no, I haven't been experimenting on anyone here or outside the mansion. The few times I've done it, it's been warranted.
"Third, and yeah, this one's a little weird but just hear me out - there's a surprisingly large magical community on the Internet. A lot of them are just pretending or trying to 'get into' witchcraft," she rolled her eyes slightly, "but if you ask the right questions, you can figure out who's real. It's something I've been working since... whatever year we turned into fish. And I've been careful. I have a VPN and whatever other security a mansion laptop comes with, and I don't use any variation of my real name. Names. But it helps to keep track of the small things that slip under the radar sometimes."
Here, she finally hesitated, her eyes flitting to the left for a moment before refocusing on Amanda. "Fourth... you know me. Which I'm aware hurts me as much as it helps, but the point stands. You've known me for seven years. You've seen every dumb mistake I made and breakdown that I had. You have more than enough reasons to tell me to get out and not bother you again. But you don't. I like to think you trust me." She shrugged. "But more importantly, you know when I get something in my head, I don't let it go. And yeah, that has its drawbacks. It also means you know I won't back off something when it gets hard. And I know things get hard with you. Like I said - I know what I'm asking for."
She finally broke eye contact for real to take a sip of her tea. Lukewarm. How long had she been talking? "If you really, really think it would be a disaster, then okay. I'd probably go get a second opinion from Marie-Ange, though. But if you say it's a bad idea, say it because I'm not qualified or I can't handle anything. Don't say it because you want to protect one of your kids."
A small wry grin flitted across Amanda's face at that last. "Oh, that ship sailed the minute Clea went on her first job," she replied. "You're not kids anymore and you have the right to fuck up all on your own. But the Trenchcoats... when we fuck up, people get hurt. Or die. And I know you know that," she added, seeing Topaz about to reply. "You've certainly seen enough of us in the medlab at various times. But what we do... it's not just physically damaging. There are times we have to be bastards to get the bastards. Do all sorts of things, use whatever we can - and yeah, that means sleep with a target if it's the best way - to get what we need. It's not a comfortable life and sometimes you'll hate yourself and us."
"Halfway there already," Topaz said dryly. It wasn't like she had the highest opinion of herself. Trying to come up with qualifying qualities to make her case to Amanda hadn't been easy. "The idea of a comfortable life has been out the window for years already. I don't have any expectations on that front. Obviously I don't know exactly what you all do - super spies and all that - but you've been saying for years you lot started the Trenchcoats so no one else would have to go through what you did. If it was just fighting, that would disqualify every team. And no one knows how they're going to feel or react to anything until they're in the actual situation, but... I think fast, and if there's something that needs to be done, I'll do it." She was actually really good at disconnecting from reality. As long as she reconnected and dealt with things at some point after.
Amanda gave Topaz a long, assessing look, and then nodded. "I hate the idea, but at least you're going in with eyes wide open. What you have to do, what it costs... I won't insult you by telling you the same things I've been telling you for years about this gig. Just..." And here she sighed a bit. "I'm really not good at keeping you lot out of this mess - you're the third student I've had want to sign up."
"Maybe you're just really good at teaching us to see what we can and can't handle." Topaz shrugged, smiling sadly. "We're not ducklings anymore. Besides, I'm sure at least half a dozen more people have to sign off before I can do anything. Maybe one of 'em will remember I'm mental and veto it."
"Well, you've got Angie at least and she knows you as well as I do, for whatever that's worth. And this might sound hypocritical for a bunch of spies, but that whole bottlingg up and keeping secrets thing won't fly, at least not long term. Nervous breakdowns in the field aren't exactly welcome, you know?"
"Still in therapy. Down to once a month, but still." She sounded oddly proud of that. "I'm working on it. Not exactly fond of constantly keeping secrets and nervous breakdowns myself."
"Going to therapy regularly is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, myself," agreed Amanda. "But we've been burned too often already by people's dirty laundry and personal issues to not at least attempt to make people do something about it. Of course," she reflected. "Kevin's got eighty years worth of secrets, so we're still getting blindsided every now and then." She gave Topaz a wry grin. "Listen to me, talking like you're already one of us. I suppose I've made my decision, yeah?"
That got her a small smile in return. "Well, you know all of my secrets already. No one's coming after me unless Taboo decides to do something stupid again." The tea was almost cold now, but it was a good reason to take a break and gather her thoughts. "Sounds like you have. This isn't exactly a 'thank you' moment considering what I'm trying to sign up for, but..." she shrugged. "I appreciate that your immediate reaction wasn't 'god no'."
Amanda snorted a laugh. "Maybe a few years ago, it would have been, but with Clea out doing missions and all, I'd be a right hypocrite. You're not a kid any more, Topaz, and I don't have the right to tell you what to do with your life. It's not what I would have picked for you, but I'm not going to insult you by treating you like a child. And you've already got one advantage over most of our new recruits... I already trust you."
A momentary flash of something - surprise, happiness, something completely unidentifiable - we through Topaz’ eyes before her expression settled into a small, satisfied smile. “That’s something, then.”
