Log: Second Chances (Kane & Collins)
May. 5th, 2020 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_wallflower posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsDate: Tuesday 5th May 2020
Time: 6:48pm
Laurie and Garrison discuss some of their issues and Laurie asks for a second chance.
Laurie rubbed the towel against her hair, attempting to get most of the moisture out as she headed upwards from the showers to the command room. Garrison had been true to his word, running her through a variety of training programs whenever she asked for the assistance.
She recognized however that it wasn't done out of any kindness, more an attempt to make sure she didn't get anyone killed. She couldn't fault it, really, even if there dislike of each other was a constant itch against her brain.
It wasn't her favourite experience in the world to be reliant on someone who had such obvious disdain for her. Not that he was without reason, even she had to admit that she had blown it multiple times in regards to his ability to give her any good will.
"How was I?"
Kane looked up from his monitors, idly munching on a red vine. "In-situ reaction time is still below average, since you're still relying on your powers for situational intelligence. But it is improved since the last time, so that's good to see. Other than that, everything else is in the green lines. Solid run. Nothing exceptional, but comfortably within the averages."
Laurie knew her powers had always been her go-to, but it was hard not to use something that in the course of things was so useful.
“Any ideas how I can improve the reaction times? Maybe an inhibitor?”
"Do you wear an inhibitor in the field on a regular basis? If not, that's not really an option. The whole point of the Danger Room is about trying to replicate real world conditions as much as possible."
“No, so no.”
Laurie sighed and allowed the towel to settle around her shoulders. She gestured to the seat beside Garrison at the controls.
“Mind if I sit?”
"Only if you start dripping on my monitors."
“I wouldn’t dare.”
Laurie matched action to word as she glanced over at the stats running down the monitor. The chair was comfy, which probably shouldn't have surprised her given Xavier's degree of wealth. No expense spared.
Laurie had been run through the controls and what everything meant only briefly during an orientation that everyone got at the beginning but she knew enough to program in her own scenarios if she'd been wanting for more work, which she didn't.
She was also stalling, something she was a master at.
Laurie had been given homework to do, such as it was. Although homework was probably not the way she should be thinking about it, she supposed. Laurie had always been, or at least felt; so incredibly awkward around others that masking and delaying or making things about the stats rather than the reality was easier than being open and vulnerable. She suspected truth issues were at the heart of many of her problems, self-involved and self-fulfilling though they may be.
“I’d like to talk to you about why we don’t get along but I also don’t want to make it worse.”
Kane sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Why? No offense Laurie, but it is a big mansion, we share pretty much zero reasons to interact, and it's not like our mutual friendships get in the way." He shrugged eloquently. "Some people don't get along. It's not a new phenomenon."
Laurie shrugged, glancing at his ear as her hands clasped around the towel’s ends. She wouldn’t fidget right now, no matter how much she wanted to.
“I know that. It’s not the not getting along. I don’t like not being liked but that’s not what this is. At least, I don’t want to make anyone like me if they don’t. It’s just that I feel like you have this picture of me in your head and I don’t know if that’s real, or just who you think I am. Because we never talk, and so how do you even know that we don’t get along?”
"You do realize that we got to this place by talking, right?" Kane shook his head. "Laurie, I'm sorry it bothers you, but what, should we try attempt four or five now to find common ground? Has anything changed drastically since the last time we determined we'd rather spend time with anyone else available?"
He touched a couple of buttons and got up. "I'm going to go and get a- check that, many drinks. You want to give it another shot, fine. I'll give you until the bottom of the pint."
Laurie might have taken the time to mention that his dismissive attitude was part of the problem. Especially given she had real problems with feeling less than real most days.
But, you had to work with what you had, and getting Garrison to even give a damn about her existence was probably a start before they looked at things like actual respect.
“Of course. After you.”
***
“You never wondered why I keep trying?”
Laurie had settled herself into a seat at the bar and indicated to Harry that she wasn’t quite ready to order just yet.
"Insecurity. A level of neuroses. The inability to accept that someone just doesn't like you. None of these are exactly uncommon issues." Kane's pint was already on the way over and he took a generous swallow from it.
“All of the above?”
Laurie smiled wryly and finally ordered. A Scotch, neat.
“I won’t bother asking if I’m really that bad. I get the feeling my ego wouldn’t survive. Would an apology at this late stage help at all?”
"See, that's where you're missing the boat. If I thought you were evil or something like that, I'd have you locked out of the team. I don't think you are. And all the shit that you did before is, well, done. There's nothing to change it and it isn't like you did it to me specifically. So the only thing you can apologize for is being the person you are. And do you really want to apologize for that?"
Her smile was bitter as Laurie took a tentative sip of her Scotch before smiling at the smooth taste. It’s light burn warmed her throat and settled in her stomach, a welcoming heat.
“Honestly? I do. If only because what you see isn’t who I’d like to be. I'm aware of how much that sounds like low self-esteem but it's not. Just a few pointed therapy sessions. The truth is, I think I could deal with your dislike if I understood why we don’t get along. As it is, I feel like I’m constantly putting my foot in my mouth every time we talk.”
"That might have something to do with expressing terrible opinions most of the times we talk." Kane shook his head. "What, should we go down the list?"
“As odd as it may sound, yes. At least, maybe the ones you feel the most egregious? It may help, if you’re willing.”
Another sip of Scotch, another spot of warmth in her stomach. Laurie had relaxed into the conversation, maybe due to the fact he hadn't left yet, or maybe just because it felt more productive than 100% of their past attempts.
"The lack of empathy. The willingness to be cruel and use your issues as an excuse to dodge responsibility. Your reliance on your powers without considering how it fucks up personal boundaries and consent. Also whatever that weird thing you had with Wade, MA and Doug, but that's more just confusion and general puzzlement, as opposed to a real issue."
She didn't answer straight away. It was easier to give herself time to mull over any responses she might offer. Dozens thought of and then discarded without leaving the confines of her head. If Garrison had been a telepath with dubious morals, he'd have gotten a very quick course in 'How Laurie Thinks 101'. Whether that would have been a good or bad thing was anyone's guess.
“Earlier you said the past is the past. I respect that but for what it's worth, I am sorry I used my powers on you all those years ago. Even if you don't remember it, I do. I should have asked, and I regret that I didn’t. I know we don’t have a lot of contact with each other outside training, so you wouldn't know but I do ask these days before I use them.”
"Yes, because you've been told that using them without asking is a good way to get your ass kicked. I haven't seen a lot of personal ethical growth that actually brought you there without being made to."
“I’ve never been one to respond to threats of violence by changing my behavior, more the opposite, really.”
Laurie's glass was a percussion instrument. She tapped out a wordless tune against it as she tried to think of how she had gotten here. She couldn't question him about his view on her empathy. Jean had pointed out quite rightly after she'd confronted her about the 'joke' incident. She'd taken that conversation as a sign that she needed help again, before she didn't something she couldn't walk back.
Cruel, though. Laurie couldn’t remember a time that she'd been that. She hadn't ever thought that anyone could say intentional cruelty was part of her makeup. She was aware though that intentions almost never mattered when the end result was the same. Still.
“When was I cruel? Wait, no, that too but first, when did I ever use my issues as an excuse?”
"No. This isn't what I was going to do. Defend reasons not to like you, like you could defend it and then demand I like you because I'm not right." He finished off his pint. "I'm not justifying things. And I don't care. You haven't earned that from me." He held up the glass. "End of the time limit, eh?"
“I’d say I don’t make a habit of being demanding, but we both know that’s a lie.” Laurie slammed down the rest of her Scotch and stood, grabbing her stool as it started to fall behind her. "At least I know where we stand and why. Goodnight, Kane.”
"You are the biggest pussy. I mean, fine, leave. I'm having a better night without you. But if you have a point, fight."
“Kane...”
Laurie took a moment to hop back onto her seat and gave him an incredulous look.
“My point, if I had any at all is that people change, I change. I don’t expect you to like me, but I’d at least like to think you could come to respect me.”
"Have you? You haven't shown that yet."
Laurie ordered another Scotch and waited for it to be dropped off before she continued. It gave her time to get her thoughts in order, more like cats that needed herding than ducks neatly in a row.
“We don’t speak. We have no contact outside training and the moments when I have time to make a journal post. When exactly would I have shown you anything?”
"So why do you care? That's the point. Do you want this because you have an issue or you're just that insecure?"
Laurie glanced sideways at him, hoping her gaze was unreadable as she tried to figure out what he was feeling.
She couldn't tell.
Reading people was not her wheelhouse. Laurie wasn't a spy, and her bedside manner had always been her downfall. It was Jean who did the coddling, or Clarice possibly. Maybe Sharon? People who cared about how other people were feeling anyway. She did know that the fact she'd never seen the point till now was something she needed to work on. It was something she was working on, determined to even.
"Because I'm not evil, and while my empathy is a work in progress, I want to be better at treating people with respect. You're someone I've treated badly over time. So I wanted to apologize, and I didn't expect much beyond that. So all this? I guess I was taking the opportunity to learn more about you. I wanted to find out what you actually thought about me beyond what I could guess."
"OK, now that... that's a statement that I respect." Kane said suddenly, turning serious. "Laurie, what you probably think I think about you is likely correct, save for one thing. I don't think you're evil. Because claiming to be evil is a cop-out. I've met evil thoroughly enough to see that evil takes significantly more work than people think. The thing I heard from you now that I actually believe for the first time is a bit of honesty. Trying to take some responsibility."
Laurie's glass twisted slightly in her hand as the amber liquid caught the light and flashed it back at her. She finally took a sip and then flashed a glance at the man beside her, trying to gauge whether he'd answer any more of her questions.
"I'm not selfless, you know? That is, it's fairly apparent that I'm not. But I've always wondered how you and the others do it so easily."
"None of us are selfless either. And it doesn't come easy to any of us."
“Will you give me a chance to prove it? Over time, that is? A new leaf.”
Her gaze hadn't dropped back to her glass yet, determined to keep holding his eyes even though it made her brain itch in an unpleasant fashion.
“I don’t think you want a drinking buddy or a new best friend, but I’d like to have you not think I’m so much of an asshole. Well, not just you, everyone really.”
"I can't speak for everyone else... but I'll try and give you a break. Try. The first time you get busted for coming up with scenarios to kill all of us if we go evil or start posting selfies wearing just a Magneto helmet, you're back on the shit list."
Time: 6:48pm
Laurie and Garrison discuss some of their issues and Laurie asks for a second chance.
Laurie rubbed the towel against her hair, attempting to get most of the moisture out as she headed upwards from the showers to the command room. Garrison had been true to his word, running her through a variety of training programs whenever she asked for the assistance.
She recognized however that it wasn't done out of any kindness, more an attempt to make sure she didn't get anyone killed. She couldn't fault it, really, even if there dislike of each other was a constant itch against her brain.
It wasn't her favourite experience in the world to be reliant on someone who had such obvious disdain for her. Not that he was without reason, even she had to admit that she had blown it multiple times in regards to his ability to give her any good will.
"How was I?"
Kane looked up from his monitors, idly munching on a red vine. "In-situ reaction time is still below average, since you're still relying on your powers for situational intelligence. But it is improved since the last time, so that's good to see. Other than that, everything else is in the green lines. Solid run. Nothing exceptional, but comfortably within the averages."
Laurie knew her powers had always been her go-to, but it was hard not to use something that in the course of things was so useful.
“Any ideas how I can improve the reaction times? Maybe an inhibitor?”
"Do you wear an inhibitor in the field on a regular basis? If not, that's not really an option. The whole point of the Danger Room is about trying to replicate real world conditions as much as possible."
“No, so no.”
Laurie sighed and allowed the towel to settle around her shoulders. She gestured to the seat beside Garrison at the controls.
“Mind if I sit?”
"Only if you start dripping on my monitors."
“I wouldn’t dare.”
Laurie matched action to word as she glanced over at the stats running down the monitor. The chair was comfy, which probably shouldn't have surprised her given Xavier's degree of wealth. No expense spared.
Laurie had been run through the controls and what everything meant only briefly during an orientation that everyone got at the beginning but she knew enough to program in her own scenarios if she'd been wanting for more work, which she didn't.
She was also stalling, something she was a master at.
Laurie had been given homework to do, such as it was. Although homework was probably not the way she should be thinking about it, she supposed. Laurie had always been, or at least felt; so incredibly awkward around others that masking and delaying or making things about the stats rather than the reality was easier than being open and vulnerable. She suspected truth issues were at the heart of many of her problems, self-involved and self-fulfilling though they may be.
“I’d like to talk to you about why we don’t get along but I also don’t want to make it worse.”
Kane sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Why? No offense Laurie, but it is a big mansion, we share pretty much zero reasons to interact, and it's not like our mutual friendships get in the way." He shrugged eloquently. "Some people don't get along. It's not a new phenomenon."
Laurie shrugged, glancing at his ear as her hands clasped around the towel’s ends. She wouldn’t fidget right now, no matter how much she wanted to.
“I know that. It’s not the not getting along. I don’t like not being liked but that’s not what this is. At least, I don’t want to make anyone like me if they don’t. It’s just that I feel like you have this picture of me in your head and I don’t know if that’s real, or just who you think I am. Because we never talk, and so how do you even know that we don’t get along?”
"You do realize that we got to this place by talking, right?" Kane shook his head. "Laurie, I'm sorry it bothers you, but what, should we try attempt four or five now to find common ground? Has anything changed drastically since the last time we determined we'd rather spend time with anyone else available?"
He touched a couple of buttons and got up. "I'm going to go and get a- check that, many drinks. You want to give it another shot, fine. I'll give you until the bottom of the pint."
Laurie might have taken the time to mention that his dismissive attitude was part of the problem. Especially given she had real problems with feeling less than real most days.
But, you had to work with what you had, and getting Garrison to even give a damn about her existence was probably a start before they looked at things like actual respect.
“Of course. After you.”
***
“You never wondered why I keep trying?”
Laurie had settled herself into a seat at the bar and indicated to Harry that she wasn’t quite ready to order just yet.
"Insecurity. A level of neuroses. The inability to accept that someone just doesn't like you. None of these are exactly uncommon issues." Kane's pint was already on the way over and he took a generous swallow from it.
“All of the above?”
Laurie smiled wryly and finally ordered. A Scotch, neat.
“I won’t bother asking if I’m really that bad. I get the feeling my ego wouldn’t survive. Would an apology at this late stage help at all?”
"See, that's where you're missing the boat. If I thought you were evil or something like that, I'd have you locked out of the team. I don't think you are. And all the shit that you did before is, well, done. There's nothing to change it and it isn't like you did it to me specifically. So the only thing you can apologize for is being the person you are. And do you really want to apologize for that?"
Her smile was bitter as Laurie took a tentative sip of her Scotch before smiling at the smooth taste. It’s light burn warmed her throat and settled in her stomach, a welcoming heat.
“Honestly? I do. If only because what you see isn’t who I’d like to be. I'm aware of how much that sounds like low self-esteem but it's not. Just a few pointed therapy sessions. The truth is, I think I could deal with your dislike if I understood why we don’t get along. As it is, I feel like I’m constantly putting my foot in my mouth every time we talk.”
"That might have something to do with expressing terrible opinions most of the times we talk." Kane shook his head. "What, should we go down the list?"
“As odd as it may sound, yes. At least, maybe the ones you feel the most egregious? It may help, if you’re willing.”
Another sip of Scotch, another spot of warmth in her stomach. Laurie had relaxed into the conversation, maybe due to the fact he hadn't left yet, or maybe just because it felt more productive than 100% of their past attempts.
"The lack of empathy. The willingness to be cruel and use your issues as an excuse to dodge responsibility. Your reliance on your powers without considering how it fucks up personal boundaries and consent. Also whatever that weird thing you had with Wade, MA and Doug, but that's more just confusion and general puzzlement, as opposed to a real issue."
She didn't answer straight away. It was easier to give herself time to mull over any responses she might offer. Dozens thought of and then discarded without leaving the confines of her head. If Garrison had been a telepath with dubious morals, he'd have gotten a very quick course in 'How Laurie Thinks 101'. Whether that would have been a good or bad thing was anyone's guess.
“Earlier you said the past is the past. I respect that but for what it's worth, I am sorry I used my powers on you all those years ago. Even if you don't remember it, I do. I should have asked, and I regret that I didn’t. I know we don’t have a lot of contact with each other outside training, so you wouldn't know but I do ask these days before I use them.”
"Yes, because you've been told that using them without asking is a good way to get your ass kicked. I haven't seen a lot of personal ethical growth that actually brought you there without being made to."
“I’ve never been one to respond to threats of violence by changing my behavior, more the opposite, really.”
Laurie's glass was a percussion instrument. She tapped out a wordless tune against it as she tried to think of how she had gotten here. She couldn't question him about his view on her empathy. Jean had pointed out quite rightly after she'd confronted her about the 'joke' incident. She'd taken that conversation as a sign that she needed help again, before she didn't something she couldn't walk back.
Cruel, though. Laurie couldn’t remember a time that she'd been that. She hadn't ever thought that anyone could say intentional cruelty was part of her makeup. She was aware though that intentions almost never mattered when the end result was the same. Still.
“When was I cruel? Wait, no, that too but first, when did I ever use my issues as an excuse?”
"No. This isn't what I was going to do. Defend reasons not to like you, like you could defend it and then demand I like you because I'm not right." He finished off his pint. "I'm not justifying things. And I don't care. You haven't earned that from me." He held up the glass. "End of the time limit, eh?"
“I’d say I don’t make a habit of being demanding, but we both know that’s a lie.” Laurie slammed down the rest of her Scotch and stood, grabbing her stool as it started to fall behind her. "At least I know where we stand and why. Goodnight, Kane.”
"You are the biggest pussy. I mean, fine, leave. I'm having a better night without you. But if you have a point, fight."
“Kane...”
Laurie took a moment to hop back onto her seat and gave him an incredulous look.
“My point, if I had any at all is that people change, I change. I don’t expect you to like me, but I’d at least like to think you could come to respect me.”
"Have you? You haven't shown that yet."
Laurie ordered another Scotch and waited for it to be dropped off before she continued. It gave her time to get her thoughts in order, more like cats that needed herding than ducks neatly in a row.
“We don’t speak. We have no contact outside training and the moments when I have time to make a journal post. When exactly would I have shown you anything?”
"So why do you care? That's the point. Do you want this because you have an issue or you're just that insecure?"
Laurie glanced sideways at him, hoping her gaze was unreadable as she tried to figure out what he was feeling.
She couldn't tell.
Reading people was not her wheelhouse. Laurie wasn't a spy, and her bedside manner had always been her downfall. It was Jean who did the coddling, or Clarice possibly. Maybe Sharon? People who cared about how other people were feeling anyway. She did know that the fact she'd never seen the point till now was something she needed to work on. It was something she was working on, determined to even.
"Because I'm not evil, and while my empathy is a work in progress, I want to be better at treating people with respect. You're someone I've treated badly over time. So I wanted to apologize, and I didn't expect much beyond that. So all this? I guess I was taking the opportunity to learn more about you. I wanted to find out what you actually thought about me beyond what I could guess."
"OK, now that... that's a statement that I respect." Kane said suddenly, turning serious. "Laurie, what you probably think I think about you is likely correct, save for one thing. I don't think you're evil. Because claiming to be evil is a cop-out. I've met evil thoroughly enough to see that evil takes significantly more work than people think. The thing I heard from you now that I actually believe for the first time is a bit of honesty. Trying to take some responsibility."
Laurie's glass twisted slightly in her hand as the amber liquid caught the light and flashed it back at her. She finally took a sip and then flashed a glance at the man beside her, trying to gauge whether he'd answer any more of her questions.
"I'm not selfless, you know? That is, it's fairly apparent that I'm not. But I've always wondered how you and the others do it so easily."
"None of us are selfless either. And it doesn't come easy to any of us."
“Will you give me a chance to prove it? Over time, that is? A new leaf.”
Her gaze hadn't dropped back to her glass yet, determined to keep holding his eyes even though it made her brain itch in an unpleasant fashion.
“I don’t think you want a drinking buddy or a new best friend, but I’d like to have you not think I’m so much of an asshole. Well, not just you, everyone really.”
"I can't speak for everyone else... but I'll try and give you a break. Try. The first time you get busted for coming up with scenarios to kill all of us if we go evil or start posting selfies wearing just a Magneto helmet, you're back on the shit list."
