xp_logs | Kevin & Darcy

xp_darcy posting in

Kevin checks in with Darcy after the events of the last two weeks.

Darcy knocked on Kevin's office door promptly at 2, letting herself in and closing the door behind her. She wasn't sure why he'd scheduled a meeting, but she had her recent after mission reports and a short list of some of the things she'd been looking into handy on the tablet in her hands.

"You wanted to meet, Boss?"

Kevin looked up from his paperwork. "Take a seat. Didn't get a chance to do a proper mission debriefing. You want a drink?" He said as he got up and walked over to his well stocked liquor cabinet. She knew how well stuck it was because one of the other newbie jobs that passed to her was getting his drinks order in every week.

"Small one? Didn't sleep well last night, don't want it to go to my head." She slipped into one of the chairs with a sigh, scrubbing a hand over tired eyes. "So, proper debrief? Baltimore, I'm assuming? Or do you want to know about Halloween.." she stopped abruptly, swallowing hard. A drink appeared in front of her, and she gave Kevin a small smile. "Thanks. Avalon too, if we're being thorough." She tapped her tablet with a sharp fingernail. "I have all of that on hand."

"I know we already touched on it, but I want to talk about you marking a man for death." Kevin cut right to the point. The gin and tonic in front of her was mostly tonic. His was gin with the tonic cap waved over the top of the glass. "How are you feeling about that?"

"I'm... you know, you're only the second person to ask me that, and the other was Laurie asking me to fill her in on what happened while she was away?" Her musing was mostly rhetorical, a minute for her to gather her thoughts. "I think I'm more upset that I was able to stay so calm about it. He was scum, and I don't regret trading the life of one scumbag for an entire city, but.." she looked down at her hands, turning them over in her lap. "I feel like I should be more fucked up about making that choice, about every step I took in the follow through. Maybe if he hadn't been such a sleaze I would be, or maybe I'm facing some uncomfortable truths about who I am in the deep, dark places of ourselves that we like to hide."

"You know that my job is to identify people with those truths and put them to work, right?" Kevin took a sip of his gin. "Be honest. Does it really bother you choosing him? Even knowing the consequences?"

"No. Not him. I can't say that I would be as okay if it'd been just a random person off the street. That's the part that's been keeping me awake at night." Darcy took a sip of her drink, crinkling her nose at the carbonation. "I'd like to think I'd be less okay, but my nightmares make me wonder how much of a monster lurks beneath."

"Monster is the wrong way to look at it. You had a job. You did the job. You don't feel any emotion about killing a shitbag because you compartmentalized it. Unless-" He gave her a long look over his glass. "Unless you enjoyed it. Be honest."

Darcy shrugged. "Eh, it was similar to a deep house clean? You don't necessarily enjoy it, but you get deep satisfaction out of doing it well?"

Kevin was silent for a long moment, his eyes boring into her. Finally, he nodded. "That's what I expected. Well done, you passed a test or something."

She snorted lightly, laughing a bit as she dropped her head into a hand. "Thanks, Boss. Just what I needed to hear." It was helpful, in Kevin's own way. Talking about it, knowing she wasn't alone, if anything. "Alright, so is that Baltimore wrapped, or do you have other questions?"

"Halloween. Tell me about it." He said, taking another sip.

"What do you want to know, specifically? The book I got handed on the intel circuit ended up blowing up Avalon. Good thing you went to the pub instead, or you might've ended up in the mad scientist's lair like Doug and Kurt."

Darcy shrugged, eyeing her glass. "Honestly, I'm more upset that I didn't associate 'this package makes me deeply uneasy' with actual danger. And that because I ignored that instinct, I'm indirectly responsible for blowing up Avalon and misplacing Topaz." She took a long sip of her drink, almost wishing she hadn't asked for the light hand.

"So tell me what you did wrong." He said, an undertone she hadn't heard before.

"I don't.. know? The person that did the drop was a new face and skittish, but I just figured it was the book or their newness or both, and they had the right passcodes. I told you, took it to Topaz and let her examine it and make the placement decision. But other than mentioning it gave me the creeps, I didn't suggest taking special care with it. I wish I would have, but a lot of the things in Avalon that make me wary are generally safe to touch. Avalon itself gave me the heebs. But if I'd done something better, maybe.." Darcy didn't bother finishing the sentence. What was the point? She'd failed, and now Topaz was gone.

"OK, you want to know the truth? You didn't do anything wrong. Shit happened, but you did everything right. And shit happened." Kevin said, draining the rest of his drink and getting up to refill it.

"I got an entire pocket dimension blown up. An entire person disappeared. And that's not... Kevin, that's definitely my fault. That has to be my fault. It can't.. I can't live with one of my friends being gone because shit just happened. If I fucked up, I can fix it. I can be better, smarter. I can get her back." Darcy dropped her face into her hands. "I promised I'd get her back," she whispered, voice breaking. "I try not to make promises I can't keep."

"What you're responsible for and what you did wrong are two different worlds." Kevin said, not unkindly. "You did everything right and bad shit happened. That's on me. On Colbert. We trained you the right way and it led to this."

"I was so.. not calm, but I just. I shoved down my upset and horror and finished the job. I don't think I made myself any friends doing it, but all I could think was that Topaz would be pissed if a bunch of magical artifacts got broken from everyone trying to kick and punch holes through the seal." Darcy's laugh was watery. "I think informing people after was worse. I delegated what I could, but Amanda was in no position to.. and Wanda and Doug weren't much better, so I did what needed done. I hope I don't have to do it again anytime soon."

"Our world is difficult. But you're learning that." Kevin said.

Darcy nodded in agreement. "Yeah. It's just been a lot, these past two weeks. I think I'll be okay once I can breathe long enough to process."

"Maybe. Or maybe not. The one luxury that you absolutely cannot have in this job is being able to lie to yourself about what you need. Because what we do, what we face, is designed to find any weak point and bare down on it." Kevin said, leaning back in his chair. "Believe me, I've watched it break countless good people because they couldn't be honest to themselves about what they needed to cope and turned to... anything else you can imagine. I don't need you to suck it up and put on a brave face. I need you to actually deal with this and be able to get back to work."

"I'll talk to someone. This, you, picking apart what's happened will probably help, but I'll talk to Laurie too. If I'm still having trouble sleeping after I'll ask Doug if his therapist has openings. I'm also open to your suggestions." A brief smile flashed across Darcy's face as she sipped her drink. "I like working for you, doing this. I feel like I'm picking it up okay and actually being useful. I don't want to fuck that up."

"You're not going to fuck it up by having feelings. And if it turns out the field isn't for you, there's no shame in that. You provide plenty of value from a desk in here." Kevin said. It would hurt to lose her from the field, but better that than burning herself completely. "OK, so we can assume that the book was a trap meant to cause problems. What's the most important first step for us?"

"The feelings thing is just.. what I do in a crisis? I shove down the unhelpful parts, do what needs to be done, and deal with it later. It's just a little built up right now." Darcy tapped her tablet on as they settled in to problem solving, pulling up a note file. "Book is a trap... who and why are both pretty valid? I have some theories on why, but they don't have any sort of analytical backup and I'm not sure they'd get us to a who. But why.. either a personal grudge, or a more general anti-mutant sentiment? Maybe a test of sorts? So, personal grudge. A specific person at the Mansion? A group? Given the pickup happened on our intel run, I'd probably look at people with grudges against the team specifically? Start with..." she trailed off, fingers typing rapidly as they caught up to her brain. "Magic users with grudges against team members, or people with grudges against our magic users. Black Court to be thorough, although my minimal read on Shaw is he's more flaunting and public humiliation than destruction of artifacts?"

"No. Who and why matter, but not immediately. The most immediate issue is that one of our intel runs has been compromised with someone who knew the drop point and code sequences. So, we need to develop a new set of drop-points, communicate that to our contacts, and vet them for the possibility one of them sold us out and/or is working with another hostile party." Kevin nodded towards the main office. "Jubilee can scope out the new run. I want you to follow her as she does, see what she looks for and how she sets things up to be both mundane and secure. You'll have to set up your own someday, so might as well use this as a teaching experience." Getting her back out, even on something simple was the best thing he could think of for Darcy.

"Yeah, of course." Darcy added it to her notes. "I keep trying to think big picture, maybe I need to think small and just pan out so I can see the whole scope of things better."

"That's why there's a team of us. Wanda and her magic squad are looking into the book and Topaz' situation. North is checking out the supposed location and group the contact mentioned. I've got Hardy and Doug digging into the archives, seeing who we know with magical connections and who knows me specifically might have a grudge. And later this afternoon, I have a couple of contacts who are going to have a deeply unpleasant time answering a few of my questions. Topaz is one of our people, which means we're going to get her back. None of us does this alone."

Darcy relaxed into her seat at Kevin's words, some of the strain leaving her shoulders. "I'm not used to having a team. It's different."

"We often operate on the end of a very long line from support.. That's why it is important to know that there is a network behind us when we're in the field." Kevin said. "Alright, debrief over. I want you to take the rest of the day off. See if you can unwind a little and we'll start you out with Jubilee first thing tomorrow."

"I'll adapt. It's what I do. Thanks for the talk and the drink, Boss." Darcy gave Kevin a small smile as she stood, a brief wiggle of her fingers as she left his office.