Amanda, Nate - Thursday afternoon
May. 6th, 2004 03:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripper posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsFollowing this post and exchange, Amanda goes up to Moira and Nate's suite to ask Moira if Nate's lost his marbles, but finds the culprit instead, and finds out just why he's reacting so badly to people wanting to help.
Moira had woken him up a while ago, telling him that she was heading down to the lab for a bit. He had been drifting ever since, his head hazy from the pain medication. He wasn't sure what time it was, but didn't have any particular urge to get up just yet.
Men. Great, blockheaded, stubborn, pillocks, all of them. Amanda was already seething from the altercation between Manuel and, well, just about all of her friends in the mansion on her journal, and then Nate had apparently lost his marbles and flushed his pain pills. And while Amanda wasn't exactly fond of medicines herself, especially anything that made her dopey, she at least was sensible enough to take advantage of alternatives being offered, like, say, the fucking witch with the healing magic. She gritted her teeth and tried to calm down before knocking on Moira and Nate's door - she was hoping to find Moira and get her to shed some light on Nate's sudden attack of idiocy.
#Go away,# Nathan projected almost without thinking, hearing the knock and sensing the angry presence - who, though? - on the other side of the door. #Don't want any more...# He wasn't sure what he didn't want any more of, but the person on the other side of the door had that 'I'm coming to kick your ass' feel about them. He'd had enough of that. The world was kicking his ass quite enough these days.
"Fuck you then, Nate," Amanda replied, raising her voice to be heard through the door, not even realising he hadn't used spoken words. "Lie there an' fuckin' whine about bein' in pain an' bleedin' through yer bandages. 'S not like any of us are actually doin' this 'cause we're worried an' scared an' want t' help." She turned away from the door, preparing to head back downstairs and wrestle with math problems again during her study break. ~Bastard.~ The thought was projected back at him with no small amount of feeling.
The someone was swearing at him in a very familiar 'voice'. #Amanda?# Nathan thought groggily, struggling back to something approaching coherency. #Amanda, what... don't go away...#
Pausing in mid-huff, Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and sent back: ~ Make up yer bloody mind, Nate. You want me t' leave you alone or not? ~ It occurred to her that she looked somewhat odd, standing in the corridor with a huge frown on her face, arguing with someone's _mind_, but she was too angry to care. Bad enough Manuel was pulling that jealous boyfriend shite over Angelo, without Nate shrugging off her offers to help as if they were nothing.
#I didn't know it was you... Moira was gone and I thought I was going to wake up somewhere else...# Well, that was nicely incoherent, the semi-lucid part of his brain sniped. Nathan rubbed his eyes, trying to focus his thoughts and try again. #Come in? And I was supposed to talk to Manuel, wasn't I... I forgot that...#
~Fine, I'll come in. I look like a right loony standing here in the hallway, any way.~ With little grace, Amanda came back and let herself into the suite. He'd sounded fairly out of it, and looked it too - her anger softened a little at the confused expression on his face, the slightly rumpled hair. Then she caught the fresh bloodstain on his shirt and she sighed. "Fuck it, Nate, why won't you let me heal that? It won't hurt me, I promise. "
"I..." For fuck's sake, focus! that somewhat-lucid part of him shouted at the rest of him angrily. "I'm okay," he said finally, his voice hoarse but fairly steady. "Moira talked me into one of the pills." He stopped, frowning. "Not the ones I flushed," he said. "New ones. But I'm still here. And it doesn't hurt as much."
"Great, everythin's fine then. You don't need me. Never mind I can stop it hurtin' at all, but hey, what would I know? I'm just a stupid kid with a power no-one fuckin' well believes is real." Amanda reined in her temper only half-successfully, and tried again. "Look, yer off yer face, you don't need me givin' you grief. I'll just go an' let you sleep off Moira's happy pills, all right?"
"Wait," Nathan said uncertainly as she turned back towards the door. Something had gone very wrong here, and he was fairly sure it was his fault. "No one believes your power's real?" he asked, unable to keep the bewilderment out of his voice. "Where did that come from?"
"Well, no-one'll let me use it, even when there's reason to, so it must be 'cause they don't think it can do anythin', right? Look at you - yer got a fuckin' stab wound, for fuck's sake. An' I can fix that - I know I can - an' you won't let me. Not t' mention I keep offerin' t' do stuff for people, an' they tell me it's fine, they'll manage. It's fuckin' frustratin', is what it is. Half of 'em don't even realise I can still _do_ magic, they just seem t' think I'm here for decoration."
It took him longer than he should have to process her words. "You want to help, and people aren't letting you," he said finally, knowing the words sounded inane. He blinked up at her, seeing the honest hurt in her eyes and wishing vainly that he knew a way to make it go away. "I can't... speak for anyone else," he said slowly. "But me not wanting you to do anything... it's not about you, Amanda. It's not. I shouted at Moira when she tried to change my bandages..." He stopped, feeling a twist of shame in the pit of his stomach. "It's not you," he repeated more quietly. "It's me."
Amanda bit down hard on the snort of bitter laughter. "You need a better script, that one's soundin' cliched," she said, but came over to the bed so she didn't have to keep yelling across the room at him. "It's bad enough I have all thise fuckin' knowledge in me head an' I can't have the power t' use it in case I lose control again. But I can fix this, I know I can. I want t' help, an' I can this time, an' you won't..." She clenched her fists hard, digging her nails into her palms in an effort not to start shouting at him again. "Why, Nate? Why go through this fuckin' pain, why not let Moira change yer bloody bandages? You didn't seem the sort t' punish yerself for shite, but that's what it's startin' t' look like t' me."
"I'm not punishing myself," Nathan said very softly, staring at her. Wondering if she really wanted the explanation she was demanding... if she might understand more than he thought she would, if he gave her the opportunity. "I don't think I am, at least. I just... they kept saying to me that they wanted to help. Over and over, in just about every memory I do have from the weekend." He stopped, swallowed. "But they said it while they had me strapped down and drugged, while they were fucking with my head and sending me out to kill people... I'm not saying it's rational, but at least I know this hurts." His throat tightened. "Moira had to promise me I wouldn't wake up somewhere else."
Amanda was quiet for a long moment, taking it all in, processing it. Coming to a conclusion. "Fuck, I'm a selfish git, ain't I?" she said, shaking her head. "Dunno why anyone puts up with me sometimes." She came over to sit on the edge of the bed, far enough away to not make him feel hemmed in. "I wish you'd just said, instead of gettin' all weird an' flushin' those pills down the loo. Would've made a lot more sense an' I wouldn't have yelled at you half as much."
He reached out, wincing a little, but managed to put his hand over hers for a moment. "You're not selfish," he said quietly. "And I don't know what I was thinking, with the pills." He gave her a faint, unsteady smile. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. I just got... kind of manic there for a while. Moira said my temperature was up..."
"She'd know." Amanda looked down. "Still, I should've thought. I know better 'n a lot of the people here what it's like t' have people messin' with yer head, sayin' it's for yer own good, an' instead of givin' you a chance t' explain, I have t' get stuck in." She sighed. "'S just... when you was missin', there was nothin' t' be done, an' it was drivin' me mental. I wanted t' do somethin', an' there was nothin' I could do."
"Feeling helpless sucks," Nathan said, trying to keep his voice light, but he could feel his expression settling into more serious lines as he watched her. "I was trying to make a joke out of the stuff with the pills, I think. Guess I wound up sounding a little cracked. But my sense of humor isn't all that... robust on a good day."
"Least you have one. Most of the adults here wouldn't know a joke if it up an' bit 'em on the arse." Amanda echoed his attempted lightness, with about as much success. "An' I'm English. We understand that whole sarcasm thing. Irony too."
Nathan stared down at her for a long moment, knowing that she understood his reaction now, but also knowing that it wasn't enough. Didn't solve the real problem, her confidence in her powers and how she felt about the way people were dealing with the subject - not that the real problem was easily solveable, but this could be a step towards it. And he did trust her, and trying to push away people who could help him really wasn't rational...
"Is the offer still open?" he asked, mustering a smile.
Amanda blinked, an expression of confusion coming into her face. "But I thought..." She recovered, shrugged. "Only if yer all right with it. Wouldn't want t' cause you any more stress, up here." She tapped her temple. "That's just as harmful as breakin' stitches."
"I think..." Nathan stopped, the smile lingering. "I think I want to be all right with it," he said, meeting her eyes directly.
She nodded and scooted closer. "Then lie back an' think of England, then," she said, with a grin.
He tried not to choke. "Are you trying to disturb me?" he muttered, but did as he was told. She reached out and took his hands, and he squeezed hers for a moment, still not breaking eye contact. "I trust you, Amanda," he said more softly. "I mean that."
"I know," she said simply, but her eyes betrayed how much that meant. Then she closed them and began murmuring the spell, on hand on his, the other held above the stab would. As before, light poured from her hands into him, easing the pain, encouraging the wound to begin knitting.
And as before, the sudden drowsiness was overwhelming. "Must like... listening to me snore," he managed to get out as his eyelids drooped. The pain was fading even further, down to an echo, and his head was clearer somehow, even as he started to drift off. It was a funny contrast. "Always putting me t'sleep..."
"All part of me cunnin' plan," Amanda said after a moment, once the spell was complete - or as complete as she could make it. Times like this she really missed Cain's power, and not just because it made her feel good. "I put you t' sleep, an' Moira thinks I'm wonderful and gives me food."
"Oh... get it now..." He managed a faint, sleepy smile, his eyes closing of their own accord. "Ganging up on me..."
"Exactly." Amanda gave him a fond, tired smile and squeezed his hand gently before releasing it. "But yer as big as the both of us together so that's fair, I reckon."
He heard about to 'big as the both of us' before her voice died down to a distant buzz, then to nothing, and he found himself sleeping more soundly than he had since before the weekend.
Moira had woken him up a while ago, telling him that she was heading down to the lab for a bit. He had been drifting ever since, his head hazy from the pain medication. He wasn't sure what time it was, but didn't have any particular urge to get up just yet.
Men. Great, blockheaded, stubborn, pillocks, all of them. Amanda was already seething from the altercation between Manuel and, well, just about all of her friends in the mansion on her journal, and then Nate had apparently lost his marbles and flushed his pain pills. And while Amanda wasn't exactly fond of medicines herself, especially anything that made her dopey, she at least was sensible enough to take advantage of alternatives being offered, like, say, the fucking witch with the healing magic. She gritted her teeth and tried to calm down before knocking on Moira and Nate's door - she was hoping to find Moira and get her to shed some light on Nate's sudden attack of idiocy.
#Go away,# Nathan projected almost without thinking, hearing the knock and sensing the angry presence - who, though? - on the other side of the door. #Don't want any more...# He wasn't sure what he didn't want any more of, but the person on the other side of the door had that 'I'm coming to kick your ass' feel about them. He'd had enough of that. The world was kicking his ass quite enough these days.
"Fuck you then, Nate," Amanda replied, raising her voice to be heard through the door, not even realising he hadn't used spoken words. "Lie there an' fuckin' whine about bein' in pain an' bleedin' through yer bandages. 'S not like any of us are actually doin' this 'cause we're worried an' scared an' want t' help." She turned away from the door, preparing to head back downstairs and wrestle with math problems again during her study break. ~Bastard.~ The thought was projected back at him with no small amount of feeling.
The someone was swearing at him in a very familiar 'voice'. #Amanda?# Nathan thought groggily, struggling back to something approaching coherency. #Amanda, what... don't go away...#
Pausing in mid-huff, Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and sent back: ~ Make up yer bloody mind, Nate. You want me t' leave you alone or not? ~ It occurred to her that she looked somewhat odd, standing in the corridor with a huge frown on her face, arguing with someone's _mind_, but she was too angry to care. Bad enough Manuel was pulling that jealous boyfriend shite over Angelo, without Nate shrugging off her offers to help as if they were nothing.
#I didn't know it was you... Moira was gone and I thought I was going to wake up somewhere else...# Well, that was nicely incoherent, the semi-lucid part of his brain sniped. Nathan rubbed his eyes, trying to focus his thoughts and try again. #Come in? And I was supposed to talk to Manuel, wasn't I... I forgot that...#
~Fine, I'll come in. I look like a right loony standing here in the hallway, any way.~ With little grace, Amanda came back and let herself into the suite. He'd sounded fairly out of it, and looked it too - her anger softened a little at the confused expression on his face, the slightly rumpled hair. Then she caught the fresh bloodstain on his shirt and she sighed. "Fuck it, Nate, why won't you let me heal that? It won't hurt me, I promise. "
"I..." For fuck's sake, focus! that somewhat-lucid part of him shouted at the rest of him angrily. "I'm okay," he said finally, his voice hoarse but fairly steady. "Moira talked me into one of the pills." He stopped, frowning. "Not the ones I flushed," he said. "New ones. But I'm still here. And it doesn't hurt as much."
"Great, everythin's fine then. You don't need me. Never mind I can stop it hurtin' at all, but hey, what would I know? I'm just a stupid kid with a power no-one fuckin' well believes is real." Amanda reined in her temper only half-successfully, and tried again. "Look, yer off yer face, you don't need me givin' you grief. I'll just go an' let you sleep off Moira's happy pills, all right?"
"Wait," Nathan said uncertainly as she turned back towards the door. Something had gone very wrong here, and he was fairly sure it was his fault. "No one believes your power's real?" he asked, unable to keep the bewilderment out of his voice. "Where did that come from?"
"Well, no-one'll let me use it, even when there's reason to, so it must be 'cause they don't think it can do anythin', right? Look at you - yer got a fuckin' stab wound, for fuck's sake. An' I can fix that - I know I can - an' you won't let me. Not t' mention I keep offerin' t' do stuff for people, an' they tell me it's fine, they'll manage. It's fuckin' frustratin', is what it is. Half of 'em don't even realise I can still _do_ magic, they just seem t' think I'm here for decoration."
It took him longer than he should have to process her words. "You want to help, and people aren't letting you," he said finally, knowing the words sounded inane. He blinked up at her, seeing the honest hurt in her eyes and wishing vainly that he knew a way to make it go away. "I can't... speak for anyone else," he said slowly. "But me not wanting you to do anything... it's not about you, Amanda. It's not. I shouted at Moira when she tried to change my bandages..." He stopped, feeling a twist of shame in the pit of his stomach. "It's not you," he repeated more quietly. "It's me."
Amanda bit down hard on the snort of bitter laughter. "You need a better script, that one's soundin' cliched," she said, but came over to the bed so she didn't have to keep yelling across the room at him. "It's bad enough I have all thise fuckin' knowledge in me head an' I can't have the power t' use it in case I lose control again. But I can fix this, I know I can. I want t' help, an' I can this time, an' you won't..." She clenched her fists hard, digging her nails into her palms in an effort not to start shouting at him again. "Why, Nate? Why go through this fuckin' pain, why not let Moira change yer bloody bandages? You didn't seem the sort t' punish yerself for shite, but that's what it's startin' t' look like t' me."
"I'm not punishing myself," Nathan said very softly, staring at her. Wondering if she really wanted the explanation she was demanding... if she might understand more than he thought she would, if he gave her the opportunity. "I don't think I am, at least. I just... they kept saying to me that they wanted to help. Over and over, in just about every memory I do have from the weekend." He stopped, swallowed. "But they said it while they had me strapped down and drugged, while they were fucking with my head and sending me out to kill people... I'm not saying it's rational, but at least I know this hurts." His throat tightened. "Moira had to promise me I wouldn't wake up somewhere else."
Amanda was quiet for a long moment, taking it all in, processing it. Coming to a conclusion. "Fuck, I'm a selfish git, ain't I?" she said, shaking her head. "Dunno why anyone puts up with me sometimes." She came over to sit on the edge of the bed, far enough away to not make him feel hemmed in. "I wish you'd just said, instead of gettin' all weird an' flushin' those pills down the loo. Would've made a lot more sense an' I wouldn't have yelled at you half as much."
He reached out, wincing a little, but managed to put his hand over hers for a moment. "You're not selfish," he said quietly. "And I don't know what I was thinking, with the pills." He gave her a faint, unsteady smile. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. I just got... kind of manic there for a while. Moira said my temperature was up..."
"She'd know." Amanda looked down. "Still, I should've thought. I know better 'n a lot of the people here what it's like t' have people messin' with yer head, sayin' it's for yer own good, an' instead of givin' you a chance t' explain, I have t' get stuck in." She sighed. "'S just... when you was missin', there was nothin' t' be done, an' it was drivin' me mental. I wanted t' do somethin', an' there was nothin' I could do."
"Feeling helpless sucks," Nathan said, trying to keep his voice light, but he could feel his expression settling into more serious lines as he watched her. "I was trying to make a joke out of the stuff with the pills, I think. Guess I wound up sounding a little cracked. But my sense of humor isn't all that... robust on a good day."
"Least you have one. Most of the adults here wouldn't know a joke if it up an' bit 'em on the arse." Amanda echoed his attempted lightness, with about as much success. "An' I'm English. We understand that whole sarcasm thing. Irony too."
Nathan stared down at her for a long moment, knowing that she understood his reaction now, but also knowing that it wasn't enough. Didn't solve the real problem, her confidence in her powers and how she felt about the way people were dealing with the subject - not that the real problem was easily solveable, but this could be a step towards it. And he did trust her, and trying to push away people who could help him really wasn't rational...
"Is the offer still open?" he asked, mustering a smile.
Amanda blinked, an expression of confusion coming into her face. "But I thought..." She recovered, shrugged. "Only if yer all right with it. Wouldn't want t' cause you any more stress, up here." She tapped her temple. "That's just as harmful as breakin' stitches."
"I think..." Nathan stopped, the smile lingering. "I think I want to be all right with it," he said, meeting her eyes directly.
She nodded and scooted closer. "Then lie back an' think of England, then," she said, with a grin.
He tried not to choke. "Are you trying to disturb me?" he muttered, but did as he was told. She reached out and took his hands, and he squeezed hers for a moment, still not breaking eye contact. "I trust you, Amanda," he said more softly. "I mean that."
"I know," she said simply, but her eyes betrayed how much that meant. Then she closed them and began murmuring the spell, on hand on his, the other held above the stab would. As before, light poured from her hands into him, easing the pain, encouraging the wound to begin knitting.
And as before, the sudden drowsiness was overwhelming. "Must like... listening to me snore," he managed to get out as his eyelids drooped. The pain was fading even further, down to an echo, and his head was clearer somehow, even as he started to drift off. It was a funny contrast. "Always putting me t'sleep..."
"All part of me cunnin' plan," Amanda said after a moment, once the spell was complete - or as complete as she could make it. Times like this she really missed Cain's power, and not just because it made her feel good. "I put you t' sleep, an' Moira thinks I'm wonderful and gives me food."
"Oh... get it now..." He managed a faint, sleepy smile, his eyes closing of their own accord. "Ganging up on me..."
"Exactly." Amanda gave him a fond, tired smile and squeezed his hand gently before releasing it. "But yer as big as the both of us together so that's fair, I reckon."
He heard about to 'big as the both of us' before her voice died down to a distant buzz, then to nothing, and he found himself sleeping more soundly than he had since before the weekend.
