Kevin & Darcy | decisions we make
Oct. 27th, 2022 01:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsDarcy requests specialized training from Kevin in the aftermath of Malice's reveal.
The nightmares were back. Well, that wasn't fair. The nightmares hadn't really gone away, but she'd finally gotten to a place where they weren't as vibrant, didn't feel as real. Occasionally they weren't nightmares at all, just wisps of memories or could-have-beens. But the vivid, realistic ones were back, the nights that had her coming awake with a scream and a hand scrabbling at her neck as she tried to breathe, and she was starting to fall back into a pattern of getting a few hours of sleep where she could, timing be damned. It'd been fine over the weekend, but tonight...
Tonight had her shrugging into clothes and leaving a note before driving into the city and making her way to Lemon. She put in a few hours of work before her eyelids started drooping again, then stood with a long stretch and made her way to Kevin's office, hoping the older man would have fresh coffee handy.
Unfortunately for her, tonight his office was empty. Darcy let out a snort of amusement. Figures one of the times she'd end up here and willing to admit it he was out of office. No matter, then. The throw blanket was missing from the back of the couch, but she didn't feel like continuing to move around the office, so she ducked into his closet, grabbing a cardigan from the back, and settled back on the couch, using it as a makeshift blanket. She curled into the couch, face half-buried in the soft material at the collar, and drifted into a fitful doze.
A half hour later the door opened and Kevin walked into the office. He didn't hit the light, merely shifting his eyes to improve his low light vision. He crossed over to the bar and built a pair of bourbons; a triple with a small cube for him, the other a single with two cubes and a brief shot of seltzer to water it down a bit before he sat down in his chair. He leaned back, putting his drink on his elbow and the other on the floor by the edge of the couch.
"I had a feeling you'd be here."
Darcy jolted slightly at the clink of ice and glass, but Kevin's familiar scent and the waft of his preferred bourbon were the only things she could smell. She cracked one eye open enough to peer at him, foot tapping the seat cushion next to her in a silent invitation. "Someone moved the blanket," she finally said, pulling the cardigan incrementally closer. Her words held no heat, and she didn't need to justify why she was here. Kevin knew. The whole office was aware. There was no point in hiding it.
"Between you, Lee, and Hardy, I need half a damn linen closet in here. The drink is pretty weak. Might help your nerves a bit." He didn't move; not yet.
She tilted forward slightly, eyeballing the glass. Ugh, bending over for a weak drink. Her arms poked through the arms of the cardigan so it wouldn't wind up on the floor with her and the drink making an entirely shameful mess, and she reached out reluctantly to pick it up, settling back into the couch and taking a slow sip. "If you'd leave the one blanket, we'd take any others with us when we left." It was a guess for the other women, honestly, but Darcy figured they could come to an agreement on which blanket could stay or a rotation of blankets if only he'd leave the damn things in place once they did. She'd ask. Ange would probably get a kick out of it.
"Obviously you all missed putting 'sort blanket situation' into my calendar so I could focus." Kevin said wryly, sipping from his own drink. Despite the early hour, he was still dressed in a suit, as impeccably as if he was starting a normal day. "I read the incident report. Do you want to talk about it?"
"You say put it on your calendar like a joke but you know I will," Darcy replied with a weak laugh before settling into silence. Did she want to talk about it? She contemplated the glass in her hand, white bandages over her knuckles standing out against the amber-brown of the bourbon as she slowly drank it down. Once the glass was empty, she set it carefully back on the floor. "I'd rather you sit over here for this."
Normally Kevin liked to keep a level of distance, even with friends like Darcy, during potential issues. After all, he wasn't the boyfriend or the bestie. But he'd helped Darcy through enough of a dark time to let her risk backsliding as he shifted over and settled on the couch. "Better?"
Darcy inched closer, letting her forehead rest against his shoulder. "I wish I'd killed her," she admitted quietly. "Turned off the alarms on her machines and shot an air bubble into her IV. Or even smothered her, although that probably would've ended horribly for me. I let her go, unable to even face the consequences of trusting her in the first place. I know it's not just my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible for letting this Malice into the world." Her voice twisted as she uttered her ex's new codename, disgust shining through.
"No. We all make decisions, and sometimes the right decision leads to the wrong outcome. After almost fifty years in the CIA, that was a lesson I learned over and over. You should wish you killed her now. That doesn't mean it was the right decision then." He said, squeezing her knee lightly. "We make deals with monsters every day. What separates us is not becoming them for the reasons that they become monsters in the first place."
"I wasn't there to do it, and I know you'd rather me be honest about this..." Darcy broke off, glad her position meant she wasn't obligated to look at Kevin while she talked. "I know my brain got the all clear, but I don't trust myself up close and personal. I think I could detach enough that she was just a threat. A mark. Keep it mostly impersonal. I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about her getting inside again. Making me hurt people for her sport. Being susceptible, and not being able to fight back this time."
Kevin took a long sip from his drink and paused. "When I was twelve, my old man beat me badly enough. I spent three weeks laid up in St. Marks and another two months in casts. He was a mean drunk; blamed me for killing my mother by having me. But that night, he came home and I was done. I fought back. The son of a bitch made sure I learned what the cost of that was." Kevin rubbed the glass between his hands. "He made sure I knew that I was helpless. It didn't matter if I fought. It didn't matter whether I had done anything wrong. He was sure I knew that if he wanted to kick the shit out of me, that was what would happen regardless. I might have been able to forgive the alcoholism or the violence... but he taught me to be helpless and I never, ever would forgive the old bastard for that. Hated him so much, once I left for the Army, I never set foot in the same city as him until after he was dead. She wants you to feel helpless, because for weak people, it's all they have."
Darcy pressed her forehead firmly against his shoulder, unwilling to risk spilling his drink. It was a good thing his father was long dead and buried, because she loathed that sort of person. Would cheerfully murder him if he appeared in front of her for what he'd done to his child, even though it'd helped shape him into the man she held in deep trust and respect. "I don't want to be weak against her," she murmured. "Don't want to have my heart in my throat when we inevitably face her. Would never want to be left behind as a liability. Do you think I could learn to snipe? Or act as a spotter and bodyguard for those of you who can, if I turn out terrible at it?"
"You sure? One of the parts of being a sniper is that it takes away the excuses." He said quietly. "In Korea, I had 127 official kills. Mostly officers, but to this day, I remember the faces of every single one before I put a bullet through it. Are you sure you want that?" Kevin paused. "It's not a weakness to say no. It means looking at your target at their most vulnerable and close before killing them."
Her left fist clenched closed, and she sat back, looking Kevin in the eye as the fingers of her bandaged right hand lightly squeezed his. "I trust you," she said firmly. "And I don't ask this lightly. I haven't forgotten my concerns after Baltimore. But I did it then, and to protect you, the rest of the team... my friends... all of us? I would do it for them, for us. This isn't a knee-jerk request because of that report. The timetable is just moving up a bit because Collins can't just be grateful she's alive and fuck off to the Bahamas or something."
"No. That is trying to turn it into a shield. I need you to tell me you're going to put her down because when her head comes across your scope, you're willing to do it for you."
"I'm willing to put her down because I don't want her to hurt anyone else, including me. Especially me. I want to kill her because she's a threat and a loose end that I'm partially responsible for. I'm cleaning up my mess. That's going to have to be good enough." She bit her lip, thinking for a moment, then continued. "I don't want to be the sort of person that kills just for a personal vendetta, and if you ever think I'm becoming that sort of person I want you to stop me."
Kevin took another sip and put his drink down. "Sniping is a specialized skill. I'll need some time to set that up. Up until I'm ready, you can back out. Once I am, I expect this level of commitment. You sure you're ready for that?"
"As sure as I can be on three hours of sleep," Darcy quipped, a little of her spirit coming back now that there was a bit of plan in place. "Haven't I given a high level of commitment to everything you've thrown my way? I even run now. If I would've slacked on anything, it would've been that, not something I'm asking you to take extra time on."
"I'm not asking because I think you'll slack. I'm asking because this is stepping over a line you might not have approached before. And I want you to be sure." Kevin said, his face as serious as a thunderstorm. "I'll support you regardless, so be honest with yourself."
"I'm sure. If I do change my mind, I'll tell you immediately, but like I said, this isn't a whim. I've been thinking about it for a while. If I turn out terrible at it that's fine, but I at least want to try. To know. And if I'm not terrible, then it's another tool in the kit."
"Fair enough. Get some sleep." Kevin said, settling himself back. "I'll wake you when it is time."
The nightmares were back. Well, that wasn't fair. The nightmares hadn't really gone away, but she'd finally gotten to a place where they weren't as vibrant, didn't feel as real. Occasionally they weren't nightmares at all, just wisps of memories or could-have-beens. But the vivid, realistic ones were back, the nights that had her coming awake with a scream and a hand scrabbling at her neck as she tried to breathe, and she was starting to fall back into a pattern of getting a few hours of sleep where she could, timing be damned. It'd been fine over the weekend, but tonight...
Tonight had her shrugging into clothes and leaving a note before driving into the city and making her way to Lemon. She put in a few hours of work before her eyelids started drooping again, then stood with a long stretch and made her way to Kevin's office, hoping the older man would have fresh coffee handy.
Unfortunately for her, tonight his office was empty. Darcy let out a snort of amusement. Figures one of the times she'd end up here and willing to admit it he was out of office. No matter, then. The throw blanket was missing from the back of the couch, but she didn't feel like continuing to move around the office, so she ducked into his closet, grabbing a cardigan from the back, and settled back on the couch, using it as a makeshift blanket. She curled into the couch, face half-buried in the soft material at the collar, and drifted into a fitful doze.
A half hour later the door opened and Kevin walked into the office. He didn't hit the light, merely shifting his eyes to improve his low light vision. He crossed over to the bar and built a pair of bourbons; a triple with a small cube for him, the other a single with two cubes and a brief shot of seltzer to water it down a bit before he sat down in his chair. He leaned back, putting his drink on his elbow and the other on the floor by the edge of the couch.
"I had a feeling you'd be here."
Darcy jolted slightly at the clink of ice and glass, but Kevin's familiar scent and the waft of his preferred bourbon were the only things she could smell. She cracked one eye open enough to peer at him, foot tapping the seat cushion next to her in a silent invitation. "Someone moved the blanket," she finally said, pulling the cardigan incrementally closer. Her words held no heat, and she didn't need to justify why she was here. Kevin knew. The whole office was aware. There was no point in hiding it.
"Between you, Lee, and Hardy, I need half a damn linen closet in here. The drink is pretty weak. Might help your nerves a bit." He didn't move; not yet.
She tilted forward slightly, eyeballing the glass. Ugh, bending over for a weak drink. Her arms poked through the arms of the cardigan so it wouldn't wind up on the floor with her and the drink making an entirely shameful mess, and she reached out reluctantly to pick it up, settling back into the couch and taking a slow sip. "If you'd leave the one blanket, we'd take any others with us when we left." It was a guess for the other women, honestly, but Darcy figured they could come to an agreement on which blanket could stay or a rotation of blankets if only he'd leave the damn things in place once they did. She'd ask. Ange would probably get a kick out of it.
"Obviously you all missed putting 'sort blanket situation' into my calendar so I could focus." Kevin said wryly, sipping from his own drink. Despite the early hour, he was still dressed in a suit, as impeccably as if he was starting a normal day. "I read the incident report. Do you want to talk about it?"
"You say put it on your calendar like a joke but you know I will," Darcy replied with a weak laugh before settling into silence. Did she want to talk about it? She contemplated the glass in her hand, white bandages over her knuckles standing out against the amber-brown of the bourbon as she slowly drank it down. Once the glass was empty, she set it carefully back on the floor. "I'd rather you sit over here for this."
Normally Kevin liked to keep a level of distance, even with friends like Darcy, during potential issues. After all, he wasn't the boyfriend or the bestie. But he'd helped Darcy through enough of a dark time to let her risk backsliding as he shifted over and settled on the couch. "Better?"
Darcy inched closer, letting her forehead rest against his shoulder. "I wish I'd killed her," she admitted quietly. "Turned off the alarms on her machines and shot an air bubble into her IV. Or even smothered her, although that probably would've ended horribly for me. I let her go, unable to even face the consequences of trusting her in the first place. I know it's not just my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible for letting this Malice into the world." Her voice twisted as she uttered her ex's new codename, disgust shining through.
"No. We all make decisions, and sometimes the right decision leads to the wrong outcome. After almost fifty years in the CIA, that was a lesson I learned over and over. You should wish you killed her now. That doesn't mean it was the right decision then." He said, squeezing her knee lightly. "We make deals with monsters every day. What separates us is not becoming them for the reasons that they become monsters in the first place."
"I wasn't there to do it, and I know you'd rather me be honest about this..." Darcy broke off, glad her position meant she wasn't obligated to look at Kevin while she talked. "I know my brain got the all clear, but I don't trust myself up close and personal. I think I could detach enough that she was just a threat. A mark. Keep it mostly impersonal. I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about her getting inside again. Making me hurt people for her sport. Being susceptible, and not being able to fight back this time."
Kevin took a long sip from his drink and paused. "When I was twelve, my old man beat me badly enough. I spent three weeks laid up in St. Marks and another two months in casts. He was a mean drunk; blamed me for killing my mother by having me. But that night, he came home and I was done. I fought back. The son of a bitch made sure I learned what the cost of that was." Kevin rubbed the glass between his hands. "He made sure I knew that I was helpless. It didn't matter if I fought. It didn't matter whether I had done anything wrong. He was sure I knew that if he wanted to kick the shit out of me, that was what would happen regardless. I might have been able to forgive the alcoholism or the violence... but he taught me to be helpless and I never, ever would forgive the old bastard for that. Hated him so much, once I left for the Army, I never set foot in the same city as him until after he was dead. She wants you to feel helpless, because for weak people, it's all they have."
Darcy pressed her forehead firmly against his shoulder, unwilling to risk spilling his drink. It was a good thing his father was long dead and buried, because she loathed that sort of person. Would cheerfully murder him if he appeared in front of her for what he'd done to his child, even though it'd helped shape him into the man she held in deep trust and respect. "I don't want to be weak against her," she murmured. "Don't want to have my heart in my throat when we inevitably face her. Would never want to be left behind as a liability. Do you think I could learn to snipe? Or act as a spotter and bodyguard for those of you who can, if I turn out terrible at it?"
"You sure? One of the parts of being a sniper is that it takes away the excuses." He said quietly. "In Korea, I had 127 official kills. Mostly officers, but to this day, I remember the faces of every single one before I put a bullet through it. Are you sure you want that?" Kevin paused. "It's not a weakness to say no. It means looking at your target at their most vulnerable and close before killing them."
Her left fist clenched closed, and she sat back, looking Kevin in the eye as the fingers of her bandaged right hand lightly squeezed his. "I trust you," she said firmly. "And I don't ask this lightly. I haven't forgotten my concerns after Baltimore. But I did it then, and to protect you, the rest of the team... my friends... all of us? I would do it for them, for us. This isn't a knee-jerk request because of that report. The timetable is just moving up a bit because Collins can't just be grateful she's alive and fuck off to the Bahamas or something."
"No. That is trying to turn it into a shield. I need you to tell me you're going to put her down because when her head comes across your scope, you're willing to do it for you."
"I'm willing to put her down because I don't want her to hurt anyone else, including me. Especially me. I want to kill her because she's a threat and a loose end that I'm partially responsible for. I'm cleaning up my mess. That's going to have to be good enough." She bit her lip, thinking for a moment, then continued. "I don't want to be the sort of person that kills just for a personal vendetta, and if you ever think I'm becoming that sort of person I want you to stop me."
Kevin took another sip and put his drink down. "Sniping is a specialized skill. I'll need some time to set that up. Up until I'm ready, you can back out. Once I am, I expect this level of commitment. You sure you're ready for that?"
"As sure as I can be on three hours of sleep," Darcy quipped, a little of her spirit coming back now that there was a bit of plan in place. "Haven't I given a high level of commitment to everything you've thrown my way? I even run now. If I would've slacked on anything, it would've been that, not something I'm asking you to take extra time on."
"I'm not asking because I think you'll slack. I'm asking because this is stepping over a line you might not have approached before. And I want you to be sure." Kevin said, his face as serious as a thunderstorm. "I'll support you regardless, so be honest with yourself."
"I'm sure. If I do change my mind, I'll tell you immediately, but like I said, this isn't a whim. I've been thinking about it for a while. If I turn out terrible at it that's fine, but I at least want to try. To know. And if I'm not terrible, then it's another tool in the kit."
"Fair enough. Get some sleep." Kevin said, settling himself back. "I'll wake you when it is time."
