xp_logs | Amanda, Manuel - Sunday afternoon/evening

Following the hints dropped in this log, Manuel confronts Amanda about certain things that came through the link Saturday night, and just who she was feeling them with. It goes downhill from there.

Manuel sat in his room with the lights turned off. His iPod was off, but his laptop was playing a CD over and over again. He was waiting for Amanda to get home, keeping a tight lid on the inexplicable simmering anger to keep his intentions from boiling over onto the link.

The link was behaving strangely, Amanda noticed. No specific emotions, just a sensation of... control? Dumping her bag in her room, she decided to go and see what was up. Perhaps have something of a welcome home party, she thought with a wicked grin.

Manuel could sense that desire, that curiosity, and it was like acid in his stomach, a dull slow burn that stoked the fires within. His fingers clenched around the arms of his chair, knuckles white from the strain. ~Wait.~ he thought to himself, trying to bring his emotions and his power under control. ~Wait for the right moment. Then we will get satisfaction.~

"Manny? You awake? What're you sittin' in the dark for?" Amanda seldom knocked now - she knew the link announced her presence far better. She closed the door behind her, blinking in the sudden darkness.

"I thought it suitable. Hail the conquering heroine!" he said to her, voice biting. "I won't ask if you had a good time in Boston."

"'Suitable' how? If yer goin' for the romantic mood, I think there's supposed t' be candles involved." His tone wasn't lost on her, and she tilted her head, squinting through the darkness to read his expression, at the same time probing the link. "An' I did, you know that. What's eatin' you?"

"Hardly. Romance is wasted on you, you know that." he said, trying for a controlled voice and winding up with icy-cold. "Did you and Angelo have a lovely time in Boston together?"

Amanda sighed. That again. "Yer like a bad remix, Manny. Yes, we had a good time. We're mates, it's what mates do, have a good time together."

Manuel nodded, while inside the inner fires stoked a little hotter. "Yes, you're very friendly that way." he said, still controlling the link and himself as best he could. "It's terrible to find out in the middle of an otherwise excellent recital that one's bondmate is having a good time." he spat. "I had to excuse myself before I embarrassed Adrienne, Emma, and myself. It would be hardly seeming to start a massacre in the middle of a black-tie affair."

"'Massacre'?" Amanda frowned. "What? Yer suddenly decidin' t' get all jealous on me now? Seems like you didn't mind with Beth."

"I don't care, beyond a very small group, who you choose for playmates. Beth, the maids, the boy down the hall, it doesn't matter. Hell, take Frank to bed if you really want to," he hissed. "But after Friday, it was really in very poor taste to choose who you did. I guess I should have known it ahead of time - I all but dared him to try again. Another thing to kill him slowly for, I suppose."

"Who I chose? Manny, what the fuck are you talkin' about?" Amanda paused, his words sinking in. "You think me an' Angelo…?"

"I don't have to think. Thanks to you, I felt every last little bit of it. He must be good, you enjoyed it thoroughly." he said, frost dripping from his words. "Just out of curiosity, what was it that made you finally say yes to him? Was it because I taunted him about it on the journals? Because I was otherwise occupied? Because you wanted to hurt me? Well, congratulations, you succeeded."

"Listen, you great soddin' pillock, I am not fuckin' Angelo. Never have, never will. An' I sure as hell wouldn't do it t' hurt you - why would I want to? You ain't done nothin' t' me." Amanda clenched her fists, willing herself to hold her temper. "I've told you often enough it ain't gunna happen, so what's with all this shite? Don't you believe me?"

"I don't know who to trust any more. Since I lost my power, I have tried to keep the pool of people that I trust down to a small, manageable number. After Saturday night, I think I can reduce that number by one more," he said, volume rising with the passion of his words. "Why? Why HIM? You know how I feel about him - I've never hid that from you. After what he did to me, and has done to me AGAIN ... and I can't fight back! Not openly, and not with my power. He has the advantage of me. And now he has you. Tell me, was it his idea or yours? I couldn't tell at the time. And did you deliberately try to make sure I felt every touch, knowing that it was him you were with?"

"It. Wasn't. Angelo," Amanda grated out through clenched teeth, her own anger flaring along the link. "Yes, I fucked someone - some college bloke. We were at this place, I had a bit t' drink, an' I was havin' a good time an' wanted t' have more. But it weren't Angelo. An' it'll never be Angelo, because he ain't interested in me that way. I know, 'cause I already asked him, back when I first got here. He turned me down."

"You ASKED HIM?" Manuel screamed, standing up out of his chair, drowning out his music with the volume of his voice. "Great. Isn't that just special. And you're wrong. I've seen it. Do not lie to me, Amanda. I have never lied to do. Do me the same courtesy."

"I'm not fuckin' lyin' t' you! If yer'd just get yer head out of yer arse for five minutes and pay attention t' the link, yer'd know that! An' yes, I asked him. Back when I first got here, when I was sleepin' with Remy as well as you, remember? 'Cause that's the way I do things. I like sex, an' I liked Ange. Made sense t' put the two together. An' he turned me down, 'cause he'd rather be with Paige." There was a flicker of regret down the link before she could stop it. "You know exactly what kind of person I am, Manny. More 'n most. If that's gunna be a problem now, yer'd better tell me."

Manuel picked up on that flicker like a drowning man clings to a raft. "I think you need to feel this." And then he sat down again, closed his eyes, and shoved the contents of his emotions right down the link. The hot anger, the staggering dislike of Angelo that bordered on hatred, the imaginings of what was happening, all grey skin and tattoos, limbs entangled. Underneath it all, the insecurity, the wounding of a sense of self newborn experiencing its first real injury, crying out in its pain. And his power, always hot and eager, screaming for blood, to share the pain...

She staggered back as if he'd struck her, which, in a way, he had. The link was a searing pain in her head, the welter of emotion too much, too raw, the feeling of satisfaction at her reaction too familiar. Blindly she shoved back with her magic, the telekinesis spell strengthened by her panic.

Manuel was thrown backwards out of his chair by the force of the spell, landing up hard against the wall with a *thud*. He kept up his flow of emotions through the link, now feeding her how Angelo made him feel. "There, do you see it now? He will PAY for what he has done! NO ONE does that to me! NO ONE! I won't allow it! I am FREE now! I! AM! FREE!" Underneath his tirade was a rivulet of fear, almost drowned out completely by the anger. Fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned.

It was Rack all over again. Amanda slumped to the floor, trying desperately to form words, to beg him to stop, but she couldn't. Instead, Strange's training, what they'd been working on for weeks since she'd gotten back, came to the fore, and she combined mystic shields with mental ones, slamming up a barrier between herself and Manuel that was both physical and psychic. In the brief lull that followed, she lay on the floor, gasping for breath between the sobs.

Manuel's head snapped back as the link closed from her end. He rolled into a ball, trying very desperately to not let her hear him cry. "I am free." he said to himself over and over again. "He doesn't get to determine how I feel."

Wiping her nose with her sleeve, Amanda winced as it came away bloody. She could feel the link straining to re-establish itself against her spell, and she loosened it, just slightly, knowing it was a bad idea to cut it off so completely. Looking across at Manuel, her stomach lurched. She knew that position, that particular reaction. "Manny," she croaked, trying hard to send reassurance down the link to him, but managing mostly a 'I'm not dead' sensation at best.

Manuel sniffled despite himself. "I know." he managed to get out before forcing himself to straightened out and wipe the water from his eyes. "I hate him." he said quietly. "He can still do this to me, even now. I cannot forget."

"It ain't him doin' it, it's you. He just reminds you, is all." Amanda pushed herself up into a sitting position, her back against the bed. Her shield shimmered between them, glowing faintly blue. "He reminds you 'cause yer both know what has t' be done sometimes on the street, what you have t' do t' survive." She closed her eyes tiredly, not really aware of what she'd just said.

"I could possibly forgive, if he didn't _like_ doing this to me. That is unforgivable." he said, starting to get some color back in his complexion. "I don't want to feel pity or compassion for him. I want him to suffer. Fat - Alphonso would never have stood for any of this. I cannot do less."

"Did it occur t' you that he might not even realise he enjoyed it? We headblind people ain't exactly used t' examinin' our emotions for every nuance. An' I know just how much you want him t' suffer - thank you so fuckin' much for the demonstration." She opened her eyes, glared at him half-heartedly. "Yer fuckin' lucky I don't follow me 'father's' footsteps, or I wouldn't have stopped at this." She indicated the barrier between them.

Manuel quirked an eyebrow and smirked at Amanda. "Do you think I would have let you?" he asked, voice still a little shaky from his recent reliving of the asylum. "I thought it might help if you knew, if you felt it. If it did not, please just tell me so that I can ... shit, I don't know what I'll do. I'll figure out something."

"I felt it," she said quietly. "An' I'll tell you what it reminded me of. No, better, I'll show you." And with that she dropped the spell holding back the link, let every memory of Rack and what he'd done come to the fore, pushed those emotions - more gently than he had - down the link. Including the fear she'd just felt, the terror that somehow Rack had managed to hide a part of himself in Manuel, and that it had finally come through, or that Manuel was like Rack all along. "You keep goin' on the way you are, you ain't no better than the fucker who raised me, that yer'd be willin' t' hurt me t' get what you want," she said, her voice still quiet but a tremble entering it. "An' you keep goin' the way you are, you will hurt me, worse than you did just now."

"I would never hurt you!" he protested loudly. "I made no such assurances for the Mexican, or for anyone else. You want me to leave him be? Fine. I want him to crawl, on his belly, and beg for forgiveness. And then maybe I'll consider it. But what am I supposed to let him do, just let him send me back into that pit any time he wants to? To know that he liked hurting me, that he lusts for you, that he will continue to hurt me, willingly or not? What am I supposed to DO here?"

"You already have hurt me! Or maybe you've forgotten you just shoved half yer fuckin' power down the link t' make a point? D'you think I like gettin' nosebleeds an' migraines? If I hadn't done that shieldin' spell, you would've kept on pushin', no matter how much it hurt, wouldn't you? " Amanda's mystic barrier flared slightly brighter, as if feeding off her anger, and the crystal around her neck was glowing bright enough to light up her half of the room. "An' the only way Ange can hurt you is if you let him - he's keepin' away from you, tryin' the best he can t' keep out of yer face. Yer the one who picked this last fight, remember? Can't you just let it go, agree t' avoid each other? Ain't no shame in that."

"Wrong. There is shame in that." he said hotly. "I cannot avoid him - not and keep what has become important to me. Perhaps my first thought was right - cut my ties, tough out the remainder of my time here. I don't need any of this." His miserableness at the thought gave lie to his words, but there was a determination to not be hurt again under his words. "You would probably be happier with him anyway. And that wasn't half my power - not even close. That was a hard push, but it wasn't that hard."

Amanda let her head drop onto her arms, braced against her raised knees. "Goddess give me strength," she muttered. "Angelo is my friend. Nothin' more 'n that, an' that's how it's gunna always be. An' I don't want t' give up me friend, but since it hurts you that much t' see me talkin' t' him, then I won't." She raised her head again. "An' yeah, maybe it weren't that hard a push, but I ain't a psi, remember? It didn't seem like much t' you, but it sure as hell did t' me. An' I've had it with people pushin' their powers on me. Ain't been that long since the last time."

Manuel, to Xavier's probable delight, felt a stab of guilt at Amanda's words. "I do not know WHAT I want any more. I want Angelo to suffer as he has made me suffer, but I _can't_ and keep a hold of that which matters to me!"

"Then you have t' decide what matter more, makin' Ange suffer, or this other thing." The guilt came through the link, and she felt a twinge of hope that maybe she was getting through to him.

Manuel felt the twinge, and then frowned. "You don't want me to do anything to him. You want me to forsake my honor, to forget all the insults done to me by him, and just let it go. Is that right?"

"Yeah, I would. But that ain't gunna happen, is it? Not with this sense of honour of yers." Amanda climbed to her feet wearily, headed for the door. "Look, this ain't gettin' us nowhere, an' there's a painkiller somewhere callin' me." With a gesture and a word she cancelled the shielding spell, the link flaring back to full life again and the wall disappearing. "An' I'm just aggravatin' you. Best I go."

Manuel pulled his knees up to his chest, and looked at Amanda. "Stay. Please." he asked, a hair's breath away from begging. "If this is what you want - and I know now that it is - I .... I ... I will do as you ask." he choked out over his power screaming in his mind.

He meant it. She could feel that through the link, feel what it was costing him. Biting her lip, she turned back from the door. "Yer'd do that for me?" she asked. "Even tho' yer power wants it so badly?"

"It helps to remind it from time to time that I control things here, not it." He tried to sound confidant and sure of himself, but it came out more questioning and unsure than he would have liked. "And yes, I would. God help me, I would." He then bit down hard on his emotions as they tried to well up to the surface - the dreaded L-word, the searing relief of someone who understood.

Something flickered in her eyes, a welter of emotions too confusing to really identify. She came back over to where he was huddled on the floor, crouched down in front of him, laying her hands on his arms where they encircled his knees. "Thank you," she said quietly.

Manuel looked up, shifted his position, and wrapped her up in a hug - if she'd permit it. "No, I should thank you. I know I am not always easy to deal with. But I am trying to learn a new way."

"I know you are," she replied, letting him hold her with a feeling of relief that she didn't even attempt to hold back. "An' so 'm I. We'll manage, somehow."

"We will. Even if it means that I have to learn to let go of some things in order to hold onto others. But if he ever touches you, or hurts you in any way, I will have his balls on a stick before the sun goes down." he said.

Amanda chuckled tiredly, shook her head. "You just wouldn't be you without the whole macho thing, would you?" she asked rhetorically. She wriggled in closer to the hug, feeling his arms around her tighten. "Just as well it ain't never gunna happen, then."

"I _am_ a Spaniard." he said with a grin out of proportion to the size of the joke. "We define macho."