xp_logs | Kyle, Garrison, aftermath

Garrison comes looking for Kyle to talk about the blowup with Madin, and why it affected Kyle so much. They have a discussion about why they do what they do, the hard parts of it, and about how Kyle really needs to take a break.

Kyle flipped a steak with the stiff movements of someone with eleven broken ribs and a concussion and an uncountable number of contusions, sprains and fractures. He was not any of those things, but he had been an hour, a bag of frozen chicken nuggets hastily microwaved and a protein smoothie that tasted like how socks smelled ago.

He'd heard the footsteps into the kitchen, and opted to ignore them in favor of his frying pan and a pound of poorly cut steak strips and pounding back a luridly green gatorade.

"I'm pretty sure your girlfriend doesn't like me. And yet, even she didn't get in my way. I mean, I have the logs. The logs, Kyle." The tone was dripping in sarcasm but it wasn't unkind. "So, when she, who doesn't like me, gets out of the way when I point out you're going through shit, maybe you might want to tell me the shit you're going through."

"I'm not going through shit I just am trying to not punch that little purple douchebag in the teeth." Kyle's tongs screeched a little on the edge of the pan. "Fucking little shit accusing all of us of not doing enough and doesn't do a fucking thing except complain."

"They're a teenager. They don't know shit about shit. I remember when you were a teenager. And you didn't know shit about shit." Kane said, crossing his arms across his chest. "So why don't you tell me the real shit about shit you don't know about?"

"They're twenty four." Kyle muttered. "When I was twenty four I'd already fucking coded once on Jean's table, gotten shot, and grew back all my skin." He set the tongs down, and started taking strips of steak from the hot pan and eating them. "Little spoiled fucker wants a fucking mutant only center like that actually fucking works in America." He bit off a piece of steak, and then finished the Gatorade. "It's never gonna be fucking enough, and even the people we're supposed to be helping are assholes, Gar. How the fuck do we keep doing this?"

"Because it is the right thing to do. Even if they don't give us prizes. Even if they hate us for it." Kane said, stepping forward and jamming his fingers into Kyle's chest. "We do it because it is the right thing to do. Like Eugene Judd told me, if you didn't like the joke, you shouldn't have volunteered."

"Ow, fuck. Dude, my entire chest is a bruise." Kyle stuffed another two slices of steak in his mouth, talking around them. "Yeah, right thing to do, blah blah, I get it, it's just. Fuck, Gar it's been a whole ass week and Madin's an arrogant little shit and I'm trying not to break all their teeth because, fuck, where do they fucking get off saying this shit?"

"They are young. They have gone through a lot of personal shit. And they haven't gone through our shit." Kane patted him lightly on the cheek. "You care a lot and it's getting in the way this time. They're a stupid kid. The bigger question is why is it getting you this much?"

"I don't know, Gar. It just pissed me off." Kyle chewed aggressively, and swallowed his steak. "The fucking separatist talk pisses me off, the only mutants, only not passers thing pisses me off, it's just fucking separatism bullshit and it's like they're so far up their own pity me I'm purple ass that they don't see how fucked it would be to actually try that shit."

"They are a child. You aren't." Kane said, almost obnoxiously cheerful. "I expect more from you. And you're better than that. So tell me I'm wrong."

"What, about me being an asshole? I'm an asshole." Kyle said, with a dismissive shrug. "I dunno, it just hit a fucking soft spot. The separatist shit like. Like how the fuck would that even work, we have twelve year olds at the center, how do we fucking exclude their parents? What do we do, steal the mutant kids from the parents? Then what?" He flipped the stovetop off, and pulled the pan off the burner. "Oh, wait, I fucking know, then we pull the mutant kids out of where ever so they're fucking vulnerable and then the government can turn them into fucking weapons."

"Erik liked to talk about his mutant Utopia. You know the first thing I noticed? That behind his words, he was describing a powers based caste, where the vast majority of mutants would be an underclass while the most powerful would rule. He would never admit it, and talked about counsels of elders and the coordination of powers by need and all kinds of democratic noises, but in the end, power would rule." Kane said. "But they aren't thinking about it, because they're again and 'Magneto was right' is a great replacement for thoughts or a personality. I mean, just look at Quire."

"Well, Quire's just vanilla Madin. All this fucking talk of how we're not human so why should we act human is just fucking what assholes who cross the fucking street when I'm walking want." Kyle leaned against the counter, almost sagging into it. "Fucking fifteen years of my fucking life trying to prove I'm not an animal and these little assholes come in saying well we're not human, what the fuck, Kane."

"Put people under pressure... some get tougher, some crack. You're not going to win by shouting louder than him." Kane shook his head. "Madin is going to learn or they're going to put themselves out of the mansion. And if they're going to learn, they're going to do it from other people's examples. You're part of other people."

“I don’t want to win I just want them to shut the fuck up and let us do the work. Fuck, at least Quire does some of the work.” Kyle shook his head and the ragged chopped off ponytail came loose, framing him in a sweaty mane. “I know, I said some wild bullshit, I know I should do better but none of us get a break. The second any of us step out of line and stop being perfect those little shits go whining to, fuck I don’t know, Magneto or Essex or whoever the fuck preaches the latest sunshine up their ass mutant utopia and we get fucked.”

He snorted, loudly and bared teeth and for a split second, his eyes were wild and feral like an untamed coyote. “Literally.”

"Kyle. Stop." Kane said, suddenly a lot more serious. "Look at me. Stop." He'd lived through Kyle's worst years dealing with his powers; the feral instinct that lurked not far below the surface for a long time.

"If this is all about Olivier and what happened, you need to be honest, man. That wound doesn't heal until you admit it exists." He leaned back and crossed his arms. "And if you have something you need to say to me to handle that, I'm right here."

"Oh my God, no Jesus, Gar." Kyle reared back, eyes wide and white around the dull hazel irises. "Oh, fuck no, I'm not pissed at you. Holy shit, you were right there getting the same shit as me. I mean fuck, yeah it's fucked me up but not because of you." He sat down on the floor, abruptly, still holding the tongs and a piece of steak. "I'm just tired, man. I'm tired of having to be twice as calm and centered and human as anyone else, and you know, it's fucked up when the people I'd think would get it, don't get it. But I'm not pissed at you."

"You're going to be in a minute. You know you need to apologize. In public and in person." Kane said. He took a sip from his beer. "Because you crossed a line you can't. Not here. Not with what we claim. But I'm here for you after."

"You gotta work a lot harder to make me pissed at you, man." Kyle said. "I think Madin's a little jackass who doesn't know shit from shit, but I already know I'm an asshole who crossed a line."

"Good. So you eat shit and tell Madin they're the specialist bunny in town and everyone rejoices." Kane said. "And then after that, we figured out how to make Italian Beef and thank the gods that a hot redhead loves you unconditionally."

"Fuck that, I say I crossed a line. I'm not blowing happy thoughts up that kid's ass." Kyle grumbled. "Look, I can fuck up and say I fucked up, but they're not getting compliments from me. They're a naive little shit, me letting myself loose and saying dumb shit doesn't change that, and them being a little shit doesn't change that I was a dick." He turned and leaned against the cabinets, and rested his arms on his knees. "Olivier made me admit sometimes I like cutting loose. Sometimes it's easier to just be somebody's attack dog."

"Sure. There's nothing to think about. Put your head down, follow orders and fuck up who you're told to fuck up. But that's not who we are, which is why it is important to make this right. Who do you want Madin taking notes from? You or Quire?" Kane said with a nod. "It's easy to be a self-entitled asshole, but the only thing you can do is make other self-entitled assholes."

Kyle did not look up. "Kane, for like months at a time, more than once, that was me and I remember most of it. I'm so fucking just tired of, fuck, all the shit Quire and Madin preach, being our mutant selves? My mutant self doesn't get that because spoiled rich vegan kids freak out when you walk in holding half a skinned rabbit. Fuck up who'm told to fuck up, I mean shit, you know what Weapon X did to make me. I was designed to fuck up whoever someone told me to fuck up and the only reason I'm a functional person is because I spend a lot of time making sure everyone only sees dumbass himbo Kyle and not two inch finger claws can bite a guy's hand off Kyle." He shook his head, hair everywhere, still damp from a post Danger Room shower and sticking to his cheeks. "I know. Suck it up, don't scare the kids. I know, be a good example. It's just in my face right now and I slipped."

"It's also allowed to be hard, Kyle. I spent months with the people they idolize and believe me, they'd lose their minds if they ever really encountered the real deal." Garrison shrugged. "I'm also a cop in a mansion where ACAB is a mantra and I can't even disagree with them half the time. You know, I could have walked away. With Adrienne, or being an-" He cut himself off. No one needed to know about the Avengers. "Something more open. And instead, here I am. Because I took an oath. Because I believe in something that is bigger and more important than I am, eh? It's not a lot of comfort, but... fuck, I don't know... it's important. It matters."

Kyle snorted, and looked up. "I know man, I'm here because I'm real fucking tired of kids ending up in the same place I did. I'm just also just tired of being tired of it. I know I put my foot in it, I ran myself exhausted in the Danger Room so I could stop and think about how to unfuck the situation. Sometimes it's easier to actually think if I'm dead tired. I'm working on it. I just. I dunno, man, I gotta think more before I can apologize, because my head's not on right. I'm not walking away, I"m not quitting anything again. I just gotta figure shit out before I eat crow, because you know how this goes if I don't. I could be as fucking genuine as anything, they're gonna pick it to death, and we'll be right back in the middle of this and it won't have made it better for them."

"I'm not worried that you won't do the right thing. Just don't beat yourself up too much getting there. And-" he said, standing up. "There's a big difference between walking away and taking a break that you probably need. Take some time off. Go see your girlfriend's home and native land and scandalize the locals by breaking the bed in every bnb you stay in. As Logan once told me, sometimes you just need to howl at the moon. Just give us a head's up when you're on your way out and when you think you might be back."

"Yeah, I just need to get my stuff in order. Laying low here a day or three, then I'll let you know the plan." Kyle agreed. "Strongly thought about like just fucking off to Florida but one, the grandparents are on a cruise, two, ugh, Florida's gross lately. Fucking don't say mutant laws or whatever." He leaned his head against the cabinet. "Might maybe need to take a week or five off testing Malicebot. She's nasty and I think it got to me."

"I'll take care of her. I've been meaning to blow off some steam myself and... man, messing that bitch up over and over again sounds like catharsis, my arse is."