xp_logs | Kyle & Darcy | Maybe there are no safe spaces

xp_darcy posting in

(Backdated) Kyle is back from his trip to the farm, Darcy is finally able to talk after the Malice simulator, and neither of them are happy. They bitch about their mutual dislike of the situation, then get shitfaced.

"It's bullshit, is what it is."

Darcy was staring out Kyle's window, arms wrapped around her waist, voice still raspy from the healing bruise on her throat. She'd finally been cleared to talk, at least. "I'm not in charge of shit and didn't even say anything that bad, and I had to apologize. And you... I know Garrison and Scott well enough, I assume they're requiring something similar of you since you actually are in charge of some things around here. But Quire leads a whole fucking team, and actually said multiple times the two of us needed to die, and what's his punishment? Not a single fucking thing. No time out with his powers, just a few people with personal investment giving him a talking-to, and then forcing the choice of whether or not he gets the punishment he deserves on the two people he threatened. How the fuck... no." She shook her head, curls whipping around her shoulders. "Never mind that his abrupt escalation of hostility genuinely scared me, that I have to drug myself to fucking sleep at night, that I've got Forge turning my room into a fucking mini version of The Box, all of that's JUST FUCKING FINE."

Her lips clamped together tightly, fingers rubbing lightly at her sore throat. "Sorry. Sorry, I'm not... I'm not upset at you at all, but this... this whole garbage fuck of a situation, and then being told that we basically choose whether or not we dump Quire right into Magneto's lap or worse by reporting this to Charles. That's not fair to us. Nothing about this is fair or right though, is it? It's just Laurie all over again. We'll keep ignoring the signs and the hostilities until someone is injured or dead, won't we? If he kills me, put 'I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO' on my memorial marker in giant comic sans. Or Papyrus. In Neons."

"Full like." Kyle set a tray down on his coffee table with charcuterie and cheese and crackers, with a small side plate of sliced roast beef that was nearly raw. "Full animated LED, changes from "fucking told you so" to "I WAS RIGHT" to, I dunno, 'fuck segregation". He sprawled on his couch, far more loose limbed than the growl in his voice would suggest and stretched out both legs. "Also I made snacks. Because I got a real 'nobody on this planet eats enough for her' vibe from your grandmom. Also gave me something to do with my hands." His hands were everywhere for a few moments, and then he abruptly picked up a piece of the roast beef, and started tearing it into bits that he stacked on a cracker. "Scott has said fuck all, Gar. Well. Gar said I should apologize, so I did and I meant it but he didn't say to who." Kyle shrugged. "I scared some folks, that's on me. I'm. Well. I'm better than people who don't reflect on their shitty actions, and the people I scared kinda deserve one. Well most of them. But jesus, I'm not apologizing to someone who thinks that just because some assholes don't want us around that we should leave. Fuck that. It's my fucking city too. I'm not walking away from a goddamn place I've fought to save because some shithead kid thinks we should go live in mutant vegan paradise."

Darcy snorted out a laugh, picking up Kyle's legs just long enough to flop down beside him. "I get the feeding thing honestly. She could probably meet Pyotr and be like that. Hell, she'd probably do the same for Magneto or Blob, so long as they minded their manners under her roof." Her voice turned pensive. "Did you actually scare people other than Madin? I mean. I was worried, because you usually keep your cool better, but I was similarly pissed and you and Terry have done way more to get the center up and functioning. So watching you blow was... little bit concern, little bit not that surprised. And like. If they don't like it here... they don't have to stay. There are other places, other options. I mean. Maybe I can't talk, considering some of what X-Force does... but to some level we're supposed to believe in Charles' mission, right? And that means working alongside humans to the greatest extent possible. And sometimes that sucks. But there's never going to be a mutant utopia, and I'd never want to leave the humans I love to live on some mutant-only island with people that loathe my existence because of things I can't change. I'd much rather stick around a city. Especially if I had to be vegan. No thank you, I love cheese and honey too much for that. Mmm, and brisket. Oooh. Did gran make her brisket?"

Kyle shrugged. "I think I freaked out 'Star, Ter kinda mentioned it, and Alani was worried enough to check on me. I might be worrying too much but this is supposed to be a safe place for mutants, and I shouldn't be biting someone's face off, even if they're a bigot." He ate his beef-stacked-cracker, and then sliced a piece of a goldenrod yellow cheese speckled with tiny pieces of red bell pepper. "I mean it comes down to that. Madin thinks we're not human, I think we are, but this place was founded as a safe place, and Madin's not the first bigot to get housed here. I didn't punch... fuck, I don't even remember the guy's name. Weird transmutation powers, he was Friends of Humanity before he manifested. But it doesn't mean I gotta talk to Madin, or let them make me feel like I don't do good work."

"And we've already talked about what I've done to make it possible to keep sleeping here." Her fingers jerked through her hair in agitation, pulling tightly on the loose curls. "But somehow that's not a concern at all. Or it is, but mostly in making it my own problem to solve." Darcy let out a harsh laugh. "Well, I did. Cost me a favor and snacks, which is a bargain considering the peace of mind it's going to bring me. Flip a switch and nothing in, nothing out. Couldn't make it portable, but it's mostly a concern when I'm asleep. We'll see if it holds against Emma at some point." She sobered up, fingers flexing against the meat of Kyle's calves. "Nica and Haller both checked in on me after. I mean, I expected it from my friends and Kevin. But I wasn't... Nica and I aren't that close. I wasn't expecting it."

"Nica's a good kid." Kyle agreed. "She's that kind of genuinely good person who doesn't quite get when people are assholes without a reason. She gets the X-Men, she gets why you guys in X-Force do what you do." He ate the cheese in one neat bite, and then built a cracker-cheese-roast-beef stack. "I mean she's in her twenties, she's not a kid, but, also she hasn't..." He slumped back against the back of the couch. "Her worst mission was Laurie, and I hope that's the worst one she'll ever get. Tired of people getting chewed up by this life."

"It's a nice hope. I hate that she had to deal with Laurie, mostly because she's got a conscience and ethics. Making those hard decisions can be difficult to live with when you're a genuinely good person. But at least with her, some of the other younger folks here, I can look at them and think we could be leaving them something good one day, if we don't get destroyed from within first. I just... like. Okay. Hard question time, you might not have an answer. I know why everyone kept backing off with Laurie, right? I went back, I did the analysis. She'd go off on one of her holier than thou tangents, people would smack her down, someone she respected would talk her down, she'd get benched a little if necessary, she'd apologize, do better for a little while, backslide. And like. Maya. We held her accountable even when she was a teen, we hold her accountable now. Neither of them were team leads. Maya wasn't even an adult for some of it. Quire's leading an entire team under Charles' roof with his money, is openly disrespectful, gives no fucks about who he stomps on unless it closes doors in his face or keeps him from getting laid, and... people don't say shit to him. Not publicly, not the way they did with Maya and Laurie."

Darcy paused for a minute and finished her tea. "Why? How can this be a safe haven for all mutants when someone who leads a team is allowed to toss out death threats with impunity? The basic shielding we teach can't stop that."

"I don't know." Kyle said, after a very long pause. "Legit, I thought a lot about this, because by all rights, I should be benched right now and I'm not. I self-benched, but like. I also have a therapist who would've straight up called Gar or Scott if I hadn't. I don't know how to make this place better, and I wish I did. Every other time we've had Professor Xavier here to actually step in, and M-Day just absolutely fucked that sideways. We don't have. like. A central authority anymore, and I don't know what else we could do." He slumped back into the couch, and let his head flop backwards. "Maybe it's not a safe space, maybe it's stupid to think there could be one."

"Ugh, responsibility problems. That is, you, me. We're responsible, we have a conscience and mostly pay attention to it." Darcy flopped into Kyle's side. "Sometimes I hate being the sort of person that genuinely gives a fuck about people. But worse, I hate the little flare from my mind that questions me about intending to be... something resembling fair. Friendly and kind, when I can, without being a doormat, but at minimum professionally polite, willing to try and see other sides and come to a good compromise. I'm not always those things, but I try to be. And it just burns me up inside sometimes, wondering why the heck I'm the one that has to always be professional to people that would rather spit in my face than work with me. I get enough of that at work. I had enough of that on the Hill. Why the fuck do I put myself through it here, at a place that's supposed to be my home?" She groaned, burying her face in his side. "Lately I keep thinking I should ask Stacy if her offer's still open, but that would mean leaving all of you."

"Everyone has assholes. This shit is exactly why like -- " Kyle blinked a few times, and then sat up out of his flop. "This shit, this is exactly why Magneto's not right. I mean, he ain't wrong-wrong, he's right that mutants are oppressed and if bigots had their way we'd all be, I dunno, arrested by giant robots screeching about gene freaks, but." He held his hands out, claws fully extended until they curved down. "You guys have the files on Sabertooth, right? That guy. That guy's all about how he's got strength and so he's the best and so he should just get to do whatever he wants, like, eating people, and Magneto fucking willingly works with that dude.' He shook himself, and let the claws return to their natural extension. "Sorry, I'm messing up my point. Everyplace has assholes, who think they get to do shit because they have powers, but if we do the same shit back, we're just Magnetoing on a smaller scale, I don't like that I think about how easy that could be for me."

"I thought about it, after –" Darcy's voice was quiet, and she'd curled into herself as Kyle sat up, arms around her legs and chin tucked on her knees. "After everything with Laurie, I thought about it. How terrifying we could've been together, if she'd brought me into her confidence after she started meeting with Essex." Her voice wobbled, just slightly, and so did the upward curve of her lips. "Her pheromones, my persuasion. Package it together, hone my training. Give us the healing, some of the strength, send us out into the world. Send me back here after another of Laurie's healing trips, keep her at his side. Boom, inbuilt mole."

She shook her head at the thought. "Anyways. Yeah, I've read the files on him. All of the major players in the Brotherhood, major allies, some of the minor players and allies. It is easy to decide fuck you, got mine. It is much harder to keep trying. But Charles says keep trying, and we see the merit in making that effort. But we have personal limits too, right? Like we're not trying with Laurie anymore, because she chose to fuck off and give herself over to Essex. We're not trying with fuckers like Senyaka or Sabertooth or the sentinel program, because those are direct threats to the health and safety of everyone. So like. I don't know. Maybe we need some lines in the concrete, because non-passing and passing people here should both feel safe, and people with less power shouldn't have to worry about omega-level fuckers killing them in their sleep for not existing ~the right way~. Until then, I'll... keep doing what I need to do to feel safe, and if it gets me kicked out... well. Stacy will welcome me. Or I'll go back to the farm, even if that's not what I wanted to do with my life. And if trying to keep faith gets me dead instead, you'll erect that monument fuck you of an I told you so."

'I was gonna say, the first time I died on a mission, what a ridiculous fuckin' sentence, right? But I did, at least, my heart stopped. Girl I was dating at the time had to electrocute me to get Senyaka to calm his psycho tits enough to leave us alone." Kyle started, and then trailed off, considering what he'd just admitted. "The first time I died, I came back and Scott asked me if I wanted to keep being an X-Man, because this is what it meant. It meant dying to these fuckers, he didn't use that word.." He laughed darkly. "Can you imagine Scott saying fucker? I can't. Anyway. it meant knowing I might not come back, even with the healing factor. I didn't think it would ever be somebody I knew, and now Laurie.. man I can't handle more than one person I've known who might want me dead, but I guess I gotta. The job's important, sounds like you're in the same boat. You picked a job, damn the risks, even if they're in the home front."

"The first time you... fucking hell," Darcy swore half under her breath, leaning over to give Kyle a hard hug. "Yeah. Yeah, I get that. I mean, I've been told the job will kill me one day. And if someone gets the drop on me, that's one thing. But we shouldn't have to worry about someone under this roof taking a shot because we woke up and got a 3am snack from the kitchen. I mean. What's a psychic bullet look like, damage wise? A stroke? A heart attack? An aneurysm? Would it even be traceable? I assume there's a psychic trace, but if it looked like something natural..." she paused for a minute. "That's it, I'm putting it in my will that if I die in the mansion or on a mission with that little turd, someone has to do a full psychic scan as immediately as possible after. Morbid, but who gives a fuck. I don't want him to have the chance of getting away with something like that." She freed one hand just long enough to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Fuck, now I'm gonna have nightmares about psychic serial killers. Can I just get like. Super, SUPER drunk? Do we have pineapples? You wanna get trashed and forget about all of this for about two hours?"

"I have three kinds of pineapple." Kyle said, with a dark laugh. "Frozen, fresh rings, and a whole ass pineapple. Four if we count the weird pineapple soda I got at the store." He bumped his head into Darcy's shoulder to lean into the hug, and waved his free arm towards the kitchenette. "And most of a decent bar in there, according to google. Lets drink, because I'd like to forget that I confessed that I keep dying." He paused. "Better me who can come back from it than like, anyone else though." He tilted his head, in the very style of a dog and shook his hair out of his face. "Well, maybe Logan first. I think he could legit come back from being like, bifurcated."

"You, Logan, Kevin." Darcy shook her head. "Like. That's gotta be a thing that fucks with you. I get on Kevin about not taking unnecessary risk, he says it's better than one of us that would die permanently. Which. I get, but also. Would rather just avoid that as much as possible so nobody gets cavalier about dying."

She stood abruptly. "That's enough of that. Let's get wasted and put this shit behind us for a little while."